Love is a cruel evil twisted sick kind of joke that is and forever will be played on me to fall in love with someone it's only to set yourself up for a complete and total hurt pain sadness and  heartache that feels like you've been run over a burnt., stompt on and hit ....  no amount of medicine or drugs can make that feeling of Eternal sadness go away every time you fall back in love every inch of the wall you  took so much time and thought into building  up with the bricks of Life past dismay  depression and pain gets crushed into dust due to someone else's self greed and will to be care and  thought free ....... no matter how many times love sinks  it's malicious grasps on your heart it never gets any easier actually it only gets worse now only do you feel the same soul-******* leave you gasping for breath full body pain and suffering you also feel like a fool for allowing yourself to be subject to the worst Dark Cloud gloomy energy-draining sadness that feels like forever may never be enough time for you to heal ......why would someone who says you are there everything and loves you unconditionally want to hurt you and leave you feeling in the Deep spiraling out of control depressed state.......... the initial burst of spine-tingling body warming floating on a cloud feeling love gives is where you get hooked it's the same if not more intense then the feeling of trying drugs for the first time it's Blissful and wonderful it makes you wonder how until this point in life you ever manage to make it through life without it .....you feel like you are on the top of the world then once it's evil and sadistic razor-sharp claws has its death grip on your heart mind ,body ,soul ,and life you start to need it to live  ....and without it  you are mentally and emotionally plus physically sick ....when  you finally  cant take it no more you  decide to rehab yourself and it's a long road ....that you feel like leads to absolutely nowhere and just one more high from it is what you would wish to  have   and for some time is all you can think and dream about .... once you're finally free of The pain and suffering you can finally live again and you may not be happy but you're just thankful to not have to endure that energy draining gloomy endless pit of sadness   consume your every action feel ing u once endured ....now you live consciously of it and then and always remind yourself not to fall prey to Temptations and desires only no matter what you feel that area of emptiness inside yourself just like to helpless pathetic  addict. your relapse is nothing but a foregone conclusion.... you though  think this time it feels different because it's not the same situation as a last time... you know that this time it'll be different and you will never allow yourself to become what you once were....but before you know it it's  heart shattering is desperate All consuming cycle is back in full motion...despite  you're already foreseen the future you like in a blind man on the path to the gates of fears and feelings that will terrorize every inch of every  aspectof your existence you go on just hoping that this is the road to somehow lead to somewhere unknown to you..... when thought of in this sense I can't tell the difference between an addiction and love but my Outlook on love at first looks like the irrational thoughts of a person who has been hurt and withered and beaten from Agony past...... there are people who can use drugs every day and live a normal existence with little to no issues just like a normal happily married forever people who live in love with no major issues for the most people these  exceptions are not what there  experiences have been ...I have come to accept albeit kicking screaming fighting that I am unlovable and helplessly an addict I need to be forever conscience to not let myself fall victim to that decietful  evil always lurking in the shadows of Life burst of initial free as a bird false sense of hope love always lays as a framework to another vicious game of spirit killing days of endless tears in a lifetime of resentment that is an inevitable...... so I ask myself as a hopeless and helpless unlovable addict  to something much worse than any drug imaginable how do I live without the love I so desperately have searched for in all aspects of Life...the  answer is I don't and i need to accept that in life I am set up to live in for ever agony  and eternal sadness of the hopelessly helpless Love phene  have been forcefully made  to accept as my sorrow and lonely life .....maybe it's karma or maybe I just drew the short stick in life whatever it may be I do know one thing is for sure that I would without question undoubtedly give up every other skill and quality I have as a  person to just somehow be able to be lovable as a person and  to find that one person who will without no other reason then.  pure genuism. fill my world ,my life, my body, and my heart with that high I so desperately continue to blindly wander aimlessly in this existence to one day find..... I as just a person and growing weary and tired of the overwhelming anxiety pain sorrow and sadness that the drug of love has and will forever inflict upon my being

I live here all alone in my mind, in my lonely cell.
  For all I've did wrong is why I am sentenced to this lonley hell.
My feelings are so gone ,and all the pain leaves me numb.
    It does hurt to know death is wished upon me by some.
Love is so weak ,all it's ever worth is sorrow and pain.
   All my eye's cries have left my emotions with a dark stain.
The days here are gloomy no matter what the weather man may say.
  At some point in my journey I managed to have lost my way.
I ask "what will it take to make this sorrow stop ? "
    Seems to be the only ending will be when I bleed my last drop.
My only hope is that God will have mercy on my heart.
   But to be so lost in sadness that happiness is just another world apart ....

Its the memories that hurt the most ,

  Time only has made the real us seem like a long forgotten ghost,

We paint a picture for the world to see ,

   Since none of them could ever  imagine what its like to be thee.

Trapped in a scary place all alone in our head,

   Sometimes so sad we cant make it our my lonely bed,

Cursed by past mistakes thats the way its always been 

    Yes once we were happy only we cant seem to  remember when 

Its misery that reminds us of all the days gone by

 So numb to the pain that long ago we stoped asking why

With glimpse of happiness we think this time it will last 

   Only how can we be hopefully for the future when it looks so much like our oh so familar  past….

Loyalty...what exactly does being loyal entail? Well that is hard to put into words.
Some may say that being loyal means "down to ride " or even "Iwill never cheat " . Its easy to be loyal when what your being loyal to is at lifes mountain top...
   To me real true loyaltycomes when you see some one at there worst and/or lowest point. And you still stand tall by there side .loyalty is being there  when no one else will or even wants to be .loyalty is seeing helplessness and hopelessness and embracing it as a oppurtunity  to give a hand up instead of a kick down .
   Its loving some one the same amount wether its the superbowl or the tolietbowl .loyalty to me just comes naturally and is the absolute right thing to do. It means no matter what happens they know they have you.
    Loyalty is the foundation on which every relationship and friendship is built around . With out loyalty life is meaningless and feels as fake and lonely  as it .
   Loyalty at times can be hurting even withering but at that exact time be rewarding ..loyalty is shown at lifes highs n lows ,in all shapes and forms
..so in life if you can find another person that can be truely and honestly  loyal back to you ..it gives you the sense  that it was all worth it ..
We all need that one person. That no matter which of lifes path you journey either up or down wrong or right ..you know unquestionably  will with out doubt be there for you and when you see that the road traveled leads you to a dead end you have  them to point you  in a new direction