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El Nov 2021
I guess I’ve been depressed for a while now,
But to be honest it feels like the world‘s been falling down,
It’s like when I get back up the earths rotation tumbles me around.
The things that make me happy turned out to only be a phase,
Then I get back sad again— I can never win this race.
I try talking to people about it,
But nobody cares about it, about me
They don’t understand the way I feel,
Or the things I see.
I want to leave this planet,
But don’t wanna die.
That’s why I’ve turned all my hopes to the sky,
To build a spaceship and go so far and high,
But there’s always someone to shoot down my ambition-
to make my life a living hell is their mission.
So maybe I’ll just fall into the trap,
Follow their lead,
Or maybe I’ll just **** myself
And make everyone’s heart bleed.
I don’t know what’s happening to me.
El Aug 2020
I am just a person
No worth behind my name
No money for me to give
No audience or fame

I am just a person
Or so everyone and I think

But am I still a person
If I have no light to bring?

I am totally inept
With that reason why I never move from bed

Asinine remarks spill from my mouth all the time
So I just shut up and listen instead

I am still here.
My presence never falls
But people don’t notice me.
It’s not their fault  
I blame it on myself for putting up walls.

But I am just a person.
Or so everyone and I thought.

But I noticed my self worth.
During a period of time when all my emotions burst

Now I have confidence and I accolade myself.
Because people cannot help you,
If you do not want to help yourself.

Now I believe I can be a better person.
One who doesn’t hold grudges and gets jealous for no purpose.

I still have a long way to go in order to become perfect.
And I might not ever because,
I am just a person.
El Jan 2020
I have all these feelings trapped in my mind
Will they ever go away?
If they do I promise you,
I’ll have even more doubts.
Have more doubts that I’m actually useful,
And that I’m actually charismatic,
And smart,
And deserve the friends I have,
And so many other things.
I always have them; those doubts.
But hide them with a smile.
Because people always believe that trickery.
I guess you can say I’m part of that industry.
But that’s all just fine with me.
I don’t like showing my emotions,
It makes me feel weak.
Yea I’m weak, I admit it.
But that would never be any of your business.
So I’ll stay in this isolated land I’ve made in my mind.
And stay there forever,
And for the rest of time.
El Dec 2019
I'm brainstorming up a riot.
One where people will die
When they're asleep
And quiet.

I'm brainstorming up a riot.
Where you can hear all types of war cries.
One where all types of people will die

I'm brainstorming up a riot.
With lots of fire and guns.
One where all you can hear are
The traumatizing sounds of bullets being released.
And the blood curdling screams of people dying.

I'm brainstorming up a riot.
That the government can't handle.
With bombs designed as food,
And no ruler is there to rule.

I'm brainstorming up a riot.
To where when you step outside,
There's a 98% chance you can die.

I'm brainstorming up a riot.
Where all you can see is blood,  
And corpses.
And all you can smell is the putrid scent of rotting flesh and dried up blood.

I'm brainstorming up a riot.
One that can't even compete with war.
One where peoples hearts are took over with hatred.
And the only thing on their mind,
Is death and ******.

You read it right.
I'm brainstorming up a riot.
And the funny thing is,
I don't even know why.
Just another psychotic thought.
El Oct 2019
I'm sorry
I apologize
From the bottom of my heart .
I'm being stricken
With this heartbreaking feeling.
With this endless guilt.
And it won't subside.
I'm so very sorry,
And this is how I'll apologize.
If you see this or not,
I just hope you can feel
The pain,
In every conversation we reel-----
Out from the bottom of the sea,
Out from the bottom of me,
This guilt makes me feel so uneasy.
So I  apologize,
So deeply.
I'm sorry for what I did. Learned my lesson --- you took my bid.
  Sep 2019 El
I don’t want to
Open my mouth
Because I’m still afraid
The truth might come out
And if it does
If it really breaks free
You’ll see what I am
You’ll see the true me
The one I hide
With jokes and lies
I’m a terrible person
All jokes aside
You don’t seem to know it
You don’t seem to see
Even a glimpse of that person
That I know to be me
I’m such a good actress
I hide it so well
Cover it with a laugh
And you’ll never tell
You see depth in my eyes
You see love and emotion
But what would you see
If I ever did open
I can’t bear to find out
I can’t bear to show
The me you don’t see
The me that I know
If I let it out
If I let it be
I know for a fact
That you would hate me.
this is a poem i found on hello poetry long ago and saved it, it speaks deeply to me
El Sep 2019
Love is a feeling
Not a thing
Love is an emotion
That cannot be hate
Love is true
So do not lie to
Be true to yourself
And love you
For you
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