The opalescent fish,
a predator
measured in unconscious patience,
chooses his path
without choosing.

A dip down beneath a bowed plant
to tune alee from the drift
and a sudden twist up
for a sharp gulp of bubble matter,
all without a wanting mind.

As I bend to indulge in no-time
with my friend, the fish,
I can only feel ashamed,
as my back and forths are
scaled to moment,
and wholly, unforgivingly
considered by desires.

If only to conduct the self like the fish,
unassuming of any space,
without a knowledge of this wish,
and unaware of natural grace.

Tell me how,
One person can divide into
Three perfectly psychotic sentiments
While still appearing to be whole

Tell me how
Multiplying your kindness only
Creates a rift between myself and patience
And ends with nights of contemplation followed by tumultuous
Back-and-forths with imaginary numbers

For I am no mathematician

I cannot find a solution to every concrete problem
I do not bother with equations or substitutes
I only skim the symbol, rewrite questions and leave the answers hanging in the air

Tell me why,
Subtracting victims from my life
Only added a murderous sentiment
To every repeating decimal that couldn’t find its’ place

Tell me why,
The quadratic formula is emblazoned in my memory
But everyone keeps throwing opposites at me
So forgetting whether to add or to subtract becomes hazy
And the square root gets suspended until next class, so the
Four drops off the plane, two goes insane, and
Letters lose their fictitious meanings

For I am no mathematician
Archimedes is finding the constant of my triangular coffin
While Newton is rolling in his gravity
Carl Gauss is busy laughing his *** off with fundamentals in his eyes and
Descartes keeps whispering incoherent Latin, migraines sprinting towards me
As if in a race

So don’t ask me
Whether or not you should divide by zero
Or whether it requires sine, cosine, or a tangent
My logic will not tell you anything you want to hear
I am through trying to piece together this imaginary puzzle
And I’ve had enough of playing this never-ending game
Because I’ve been through two continents, and 4 different states
And I still don’t know the meaning of my name.

For I am no mathematician
The only pie charts I am fond of,
have to do with sugar and preheating an oven to 450 degrees
And with every cubic centimeter
I start thinking of cubes of cheddar cheese


For I am no mathematician
I can’t graph a simple line
I don’t understand the dimensions of the polygon shown above
And I’m tired of wasting precious time

it's burning down

all of it

isn't it

no no no you can't read the fire

or curse it out

blowing out the world's candles

that lit the hidden

showed what sat in front of squeezed-tight lips and eyes

idiots all of them never learning that the end is never

will this all end in clever back and forths empty

or will we move God ****** from that master past

tearing us afar

pearl-filled hearts begging for for forgiveness

in the lacey sweetness of Valentine cards

weeping for their skin

collecting tears in water-bottles

plastic spittoons holding forever

held back words that rot teeth and livers

a cold shiver in the leaving of the light

I'm with a customer when I feel your heart seize in my own body, this sympathetic pain always all I have when our signal gets shotty. That's most the time now. As much as I miss you and I love you, I figure if I matter, you'd stop running. Connection can't be carried by one only, thats an unhealthy anomaly. I sense you get solemn when I'm no longer calling. It makes me want to reach out and soothe but God booms no everytime, says quit playing mommy, he's clearly done playing daddy. If you will stand as friends, you shalt not be both legs. He said he was so busy it's not for you to go to him. It might feel good to be in contact but cheap moments are tricks robbing the big picture. If you're two to exist thats on him. He is big on "action" so allow him to imprint upon the universe his stance if and when he's ever ready, do not take that opportunity from him or anything you mend is only temporary, for your God wants for you a man who understands the sacredness of intention. The past must pass you by and leave you alone for what's to come. You deserve to be someone's priority, never second to their ego. If it's not this man why get caught up and waste your mojo. If he loves you so much he'll follow and find the time to pick up the phone device and call you. Why should it always be you smoothing it over, making sure he knows "I love you". It is not right, there is no time for waiting idle for progression that is stalling. You deserve partnership of back and forth, not wallowing. It is not up to you to pick him up out every hole. Maybe sometimes as that back and forth but where's he been when you are spent? He's off wandering. Looking for new back and forths to make him feel rich. That's always the plan, it just never goes accordingly. There is not enough connection to fill the pit he keeps digging. Just because he might know now you're worth his time, doesn't ever make soliciting love right. God says let him go, and if he cares he'll fly back. And if he never does, I'm so glad to know where I stand. On this branch. In the morning mist. Being grand, receiving my plan. I'm over the self punishing. I'm over supplying the only constancy. I miss the old days when I was worth the world and all the words you'd never found a home for til our eyes got reaquainted. You are the biggest blessing of my life but I follow God, not humans. He wants me happy. Says if I am strong my strength will funnel into the next connection that is borne. Will it be with someone new oneday or ours. All I know is we are worn and our torch submerged in the tears of our storm. If we are to be reborn I am so happy. But I will not keep dancing on doubt just so it flashes me money. Doubt is never to touch me. It makes me feel cheap and I like to dance classy. If you wanna talk ask me. I will not crawl. If you say you're busy get back to me. If you miss me, tell me. If you're gonna say goodbye, write words I understand cuz I'm worth that, I will not pull out the medical dictionary I dont own to decipher poetic geometry. You know I **** at math, that is a headache and a half adding up what's this and that mean.  The only reason i know what your saying besides every other word is hashtags, how tragically sad our last gasps of connection are becoming. When you write for me in the face of uncertainty you never branch my way, its always in code as if writing for yourself only. When you are happy with me though, its always crystal clear. What have we become?! This is US! Talk to me, tell me how you actually feel. Otherwise I'll see you next life. I hope you're loving yourself as much as I love you. It's not a job for the faint of heart. I would know, cuz loving me is a comparable chore, a dutiful art. But I find a way everyday. Everyday. Everyday. I love you so much for teaching me everything there was to know about my goodness. Before I found mine you were the billboard blasting my praises. If we are to go separate ways, I will be ok. For I know I gave you the same. I gave you confidence, hope and perfect love. At least for a time we had eachother's backs and loved eachother harder than anyone else had been capable of. That is what soulmates do, it has been my honor to serve you. I release you now, hoping you find your way back home  to oneness to sing his song. Maybe I'll see you oneday in the branches of sobriety, faith and love, by my side or in the distance flying with some other ***** with better luck. It'd not be that she's worth more, cuz I know I've got a good heart.

I love the smile on your face whenever you wake up in the morning with me.

I love the way you occupy three forths of the bed when you sleep with me and I am in your arms.

I love when we shower together I'll scrub your back and you'll scrub mine.

I love how the sound of your voice when you sing your favorate songs to me.

I love when we watch movies that I like and you'll sleep the entrie time.

What I love the most is when you cook for us and we eat together.

Like the leaves that were rustling with the wind
Touching surfaces, blocks, and walls
Reflecting adult-like banters
Each passing,
Going back and forths

Like those pebbles that were skipping
branches that were kissing
And dirt flying against our skins
Each passing,
Retiring from mine to hers

A thousand chirps I did not mind
Yet a venture made it clear
Your soul is a wanderer
Like mine. Yet, we ought we’re not as much
As we thought we’re alike

Feeling disappointed.
Feeling certain that this feeling is routine.
The same conversation plays out so typical
Like a yo-yo on a string.
Our back and forths go up and down,
With the same outcome
You want to avoid living your life
And I want to get things done.
This certain disappointment weakens my faith
With every excuse you spit.
But I'm supposed to keep betting coin on you,
And cheer you on as you sit.

i say you don’t know me
so you parrot back too many back and forths to count
you have this favorite and i have one different
you remember this one time and i remember another
you have these few problems and i’ve worked through them prior
but you don’t watch when my eyes are closed
or when i’m turned away in imagined solitude
you know things, moments, memories
about me but you don’t know me
you’ve never cared enough to know me
and i know this cause i know you
and i’ve been you and i love you and i want you dead

happiness has always
been a hallway
to me.

the kind of hallway
where ghosts of dudes
that died of heart attacks
stare at sleeping kids from.

so I'm in a single room
cabin in the middle of nowhere
trying take over a world or two.

no I'm not.
duh.
I ruin more than contrivance,
stay for the encore.
it goes for three forths of my life,
at least.

"you all should place bets"
he says brushing his teeth
in the mirror,
to himself.
weird.

I can write about you    forever
About the small things I remember
Of all the pain  and childish habits I
Had when it came to knowing you
Like milkshake dates we never had
Because I was too scared and you were
Too silent
Like watching you through binoculars and back and
Forths from our balconies you must have
Thought I was a creep
And I thought you were divine
And yet when we did sit next to each other
We just didn’t   know what to talk about
And no matter how much I told myself
That you simply took the breath out of me,
I knew    we just weren’t meant  to know
Too much about each other

You remain untouchable  like a legend,
I flipped your pages just enough to
Smell your   soul   and then let you
Take your course, wherever it took you
I don’t desire to know

as my tendencies begin to stop---for panic   attacks
and anxiety-fueled
nights      of non-stop thinking  
back-and-forths about the
nature  of my spirit, good or bad
I start to fear more instead  
are all the people I love dead?
will my  dying dog kick his way into my room
and speak to me    truths  
I can’t bear to hear?