I have nothing to look forward to
I'd say December
But it won't be Christmas without you.
</3

Some days I wonder if to you it's a blessing that you're not allowed to talk to me but you don't know how to stop so you don't end it when you come back. I wonder if you realize how little I cared for you the first two months we talked and how I never realized what the word love meant when I said it until the first time you left. I don't think I even knew how much you meant to me until now and now is exactly when I can't tell you. Sometimes I wonder if you want to come back but then I realize if you didn't you'd have told me because we were always honest with each other. Sometimes I wonder but then I comfort myself and smile becauseI know you love me.

I can't listen to a love song
Without relating it to you or us

I know you don't care
But goodnight,
Even though you'll stay up for hours
Talking to her.
You don't know how I envy you
You talk to the person you love
Every day
And every night.
Have a good time talking to her.
Value it
I know you don't care
Since it's coming from me
Good night

Heck with this world
I hate it
I'm leaving
*forever

Close the window
close the tab.
you know he's not coming back
why do you still hope?

Oh lonely poet girl
for whom does your heart sing?
it sings for the boy in Kansas
a thousand miles away

Why do you think he loves you,
when he leaves without a trace?
why do you say he cares
when he left you high and dry?

oh happy poet girl
tell me from the past
do you believe he loves you?
if so, love him back

delete his email
delete his contact
scratch out his name
from your heart

oh tired poet girl
don't give up just yet
if he truly loves you
you know he will come back

erase his phone number
delete your den
tell your friends
not to mention him

oh joyful poet girl
Is it he who makes you smile?
if so then you're in love
treasure the smiles and him

Get him out
of your mind,
and soon he can be out
of your heart

oh scared poet girl
what makes you cower in fear?
the thought of him leaving
and never coming back

He abandoned you,
yet you love him still?
in what way does he
deserve your love?

oh hopeful poet girl
with dreams of a future so bright
hold on to those dreams,
maybe they'll come true.

Close the window
close the tab
If he loved you,
he would've come back

oh sad poet girl,
who is it that broke your heart?
who is it that can fix it?
they're the same boy

i have an unhealthy obsession with sharp objects
I'm cutting myself
I can't wait for Tuesday
I can't wait to be alone at home so I can blast music and get out my blades
Can you please stop? It's annoying
JUST FREAKING STOP ALREADY GET AWAY I HATE YOU LEAVE
can this be over?*
Can I please just die already?

I could have contact my boyfriend's parents through his uncle and risk finding out that either 1. He isn't who he says he is or 2. He can never talk to me again

Or I could wait it out, uncertain of if he'll ever come back to me but with hope

I don't know

Stay with me
One more day
One more night
Even one more post

Talk to me
One more time
It's not allowed
But when did that stop you?

Say to me
Tell me you love me
Just one more time
Remind me of our forever

One more e-mail
One more post
Breach our distance
Please?

Just once more?

Last night, I had a dream
I went to Kansas
And I saw you there
It was the best dream of my life

I woke up believing
I'd see you beside me,
Because in the dream,
We fell asleep together.

Why did I have to
Wake up to the reality,
You've been gone for four months,
And will be away much longer.

Andy, Andy,
Our playlist of souls.
Why'd you have to go?
All playlists run out
But yours should go on
It should have been longer
Now it only echos in our hearts
The pleas,
Your cries that we never took seriously
Because we couldn't believe them
No
I'm Crying in math
Hyperventilating
No
The only thought in my mind
No
Not Andy
He had his rough edges
But I loved him
He was like my brother
He was a friend
I would've listened
I was there for him
I'd have help if he asked
If only we could go back,
Even one song,
I'd turn it around
He didn't need to die
Andy, please,
Rest in peace
We All Love You
You are in our hearts<3

When your realize
You're better off without them
You're happier not talking,
You knew this was inevitable
But you delayed it
Made excuses
Not this time.
This time, they went too far
This time, what they did was inexcusable.
This time, even you can't excuse what they did
Blow it off
This hurt someone
This killed them
This is inexcusable
They tell you they hate you
For saying your opinion
And you smile,
That's when you know
This friendship is dead

Okay honestly I want beautiful words for Andy but all I can get is a bunch of word **** about how I can't believe it, won't believe it.... So I'll just say for now that Andy is honestly the best person I ever met and though he is... Not not going to type that word fill it in yourself.... He lives on in our hearts forever. Someday someone should put his poetry into just a book because it deserves to be shown to the world. We love you Andy<3

Don't tell me I can't be in love with him,
Just because it's online.
My boyfriend never said the word love when not referring to me.
He came back to me twice.
Tell me to my face I don't really love him
And I will prove you wrong.

And what do you want
From me
What?
Why do you talk to me
But you didn't reply
What

I don't even know

In a word
I would describe
The way I see you
As beautiful

In one word
I would describe
The way I see me
As ugly

But then I realized
You're in my heart
So maybe my heart
Is beautiful

If my heart is beautiful
The am I beautiful?
Maybe I can be
If you love me too.

I looked up
Smiling like crazy
And I realized that maybe
I shouldn't write this
In the middle of math

Set a flower free
watch it float on the breeze
float, fly away,
blow to him

A flower a day
pointless routine
they don’t reach him
The never will

He won’t get my flowers
won’t know they exist
Yet I do it again
I have to have hope.

Hope that my flowers
will reach him one day
after weeks, months,
of journeying.

Set a flower free
watch it float on the breeze
float, fly away,
blow to him

Wind, blow my flower to him.

It used to hurt with every breath I took because I didn't want to live if you weren't with me
Now it hurts with every one I let out because I don't want to let go.

Um...
I went on the Internet.....





And nothing else?
Shoot.

To be depressed
And suicidal.
Crying at the littlest things
Being so upset
You'd end your life
To end your pain.
And some part of me
Knew
leave
now
I'd end my life if I stayed
I had the power
I have the means
And I just wanted it
To
stop
stop
stop
So I ran
I got out of that house
And I ran
To a friend's,
No one was home
Didn't go back
Run
Continue
On to the park
Farther
The woods
Old house
And I sat there
Sobbing
For an hour
Wondering why I didn't
Stay at home
And die
Why I was alive
If I had tried
To not be,
If I had hurt myself
And never told anyone
If I had tried
And almost done it
Almost done it
But hesitated
Why
I don't know
I wanted it to end
But I hit continue
Instead of give up
And gave myself a second chance
That goodness knows I don't deserve
I sat in the woods
And wondered
I told myself
The world would be okay
The world would be better
If I wasn't here
But I made myself stay
And I don't know why
Crying in the woods
I found thorns
Instead of razor blades
And stabbed my wrists
Stabbed my veins
Not sharp enough
But I can't go home
I'd die
So I stayed
And walked around
And I found my feet carried me home
So I went in
And
I found my blades
And I took them to the veins
But I didn't do it
I luv d
Somehow
Someway
I stopped
Myself
And I hit
Continue
For some reason
But I still wanted to
This is what it means
To be depressed
And suicidal

The familiar ache in my heart
as I know I want to write
there's a poem inside me
waiting to come out
waiting to be printed on paper.

The scratching of my pen on paper
the ink forming letters, then words
not glancing at the clock
not wanting to stop
wishing I could freeze time

Glances from other people
pencils scratching their papers
rushing to get their work done
a feeling I know well
and can connect with now.

Bell, please don't ring
wait a little longer?
seconds tick by cruelly
counting down without mercy
they match the beat of my heart

People packing up stuff
anxious to leave
for once I am not with them
how can I want to leave?
Here I can write, I am free.

I hate you. No. Not really. I hate how you can never talk to me and when you can it's not for very long and I hate how you make me so happy when you're there even though I know that as soon as you leave the happiness will be gone, I hate the way I just have to talk about you whenever anything connects to you, I guess what I'm saying is I hate that I love you, I hate that I fell in love with the one boy online whose parents don't want him to be in love, I hate all the little things that make me love you.
On that note, I love you. I love talking to you and  he way you make me feel and how even the thought of you can raise a smile to my face I love how you remained in love with me even though your parents don't want you to and they punish you, against all odds you still love me and I know you're the only person who would still love me, however badly I've treated you you came back and always tell me you love me, you remember me and keep going when everything in life tells you to quit, I love the way you still argue with me about how I'm better to you and how you love me more, I'm so lucky to even have met you, and somehow through crazy means I can't understand you love me and I just want to tell you I love you and even when I hate you I love all the things I hate I love you Daniel, Thunderclaw, whatever name you go by I love you.

Because I'm not
Honestly, I'm sort of glad.
I'm just saying
We all make mistakes
And you made a huge one
And maybe I shouldn't have been so blunt
Maybe I should have been nicer about it
But you should've been too
I just wanted to say
I don't hate you
I'm just not your friend
And that was inevitable
So I wrote this
Just to tell you
I'm not saying I'm sorry,
That would be a lie
I just wish it didn't have to be so harsh

Let me know if I ever improved your life or made you smile or brightened your day or anything.... I need to know I'm worth living for.

How I'd use what they taught me,
Tally marks, straight lines,
They never have let me go through
They wouldn't have taught me it
one two three four slash

Instead of on paper,
Counting cereal,
I re-learn these skills
Straight lines on my wrist,
Tally marks on my heart
one two three four *slash

I'm sorry, okay?
I get it
You hate that I talk about Him.
I'm sorry
He's the best thing
In my whole life
He makes me smile
And laugh
And has freaking kept me alive
I'm sorry I talk about him
So much
I'm sorry it annoys you
I'm sorry I have to mention him
He's my answer
My everything
The better part of me
The only part of me I can love
Don't scorn that
Please
I'm sorry I annoy you
I'm sorry I talk about him too much
I'm sorry that I won't stop
But I'm not sorry I love him
I won't  Ever be sorry for that

I think I'll try and stay off the internet for the next week or so
I can try to be on at school
But not for very long.
So don't be alarmed
If I'm not here
And just in case I miss it
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Flip a coin and let it land
heads I’ll tell them everything
but as I watch it fall,
I pray for tails.
How could I explain?

It landed tails
It’s probably best
I’d never tell.
1 million heads
I never got the courage.

I want to tell them
but yet I don’t.
torn down the middle
what would I say?
I can’t decide

Flip a coin and let it land
heads I’ll tell them everything
I watch it land
heads up
maybe I’ll tell them this time.

But maybe I’ll flip it again.

To us?
Oh wait
There was no us,
But we
Not we
I can't have you
And me on the same line
There's not we
No us
No you and me
But you have changed so much from seventh grade when you
And I  were friends
Maybe not friends
But you
And I could get along and have friendly competition and joke and play games and laugh together
And this year you hate
Me
You ignore
Me, I was sick and
You didn't even ask if
I was okay or if I needed help
You would have done that last year before you found out
I liked
you like that should change anything but it did and now
You ignore
me and turn away and won't even talk to me why what happened to
you and
I being friends what happened to the friendship I felt towards
You it just evaporated when you started ignoring
Me and hating me and now
I hate me because of
You
I can barely even smile
You make
Me hate myself and believe I'm worthless and should be kept away from everyone well
You and
I were friends I wish I could forget because something happened to the friendship that belonged to you And
I

How do you get over someone who was so important?

It's been a year
Filled with problems
But now you're here
Almost as if to solve them
And I can't live in a world without you now

All my life
I've been searching for you
How did I survive
In this world before you
'cause I don't wanna live another day without you now

This is the best thing
The best thing that could be happening
And I think you would agree
The best thing is that it's
Happening to you and me

All I'm gonna have
Is all that you can give me
And I'll give right back
Everything I have in me
'cause nothing ever felt as right
As this does right now

I'll go back to before we met
Can I erase the past
Try harder to forget 'cause
Nothing will ever be as good as here and now

'cause when I looked into your eyes
And you dared to stare right back
You should've said "Nice to meet you, I'm your other half"

And this is the best thing
The best thing that could be happening
And I think you would agree
The best thing is that it's happening
This is the best thing (the best thing)
The best thing that could be happening (the best thing)
And I think you would agree (whoooaaa whooaa)
The best thing is that it's
Happening to you and me

Always knew
I'd find someone
I never dreamt
It'd be like this
You've surpassed
All that I've hoped for (and ever wished)
And I'm tryin'
So hard
With all my heart and mind
To make your life
As good as you've made mine

This is the best thing (the best thing)
The best thing that could be happening (the best thing)
And I think you would agree (whooaaa)
The best thing is that it's happening to you and me

The best thing is that it's happening to you and me
The best thing is that it's happening to you and me

(The best thing) The best thing that could be happening
(The best thing) I think you would agree
The best thing is that it's happening to you and me

Valentine's Day
And now I have back
The person I love
my reason to smile.

It's been a long time
5 months without you
but it felt like forever
without reason to smile

Then came that day
friday the 14th
My lucky day I guess
I got back my reason to smile

I now have my light
after months of darkness
for you came back,
My reason to smile

Is it even possible
to write out my happiness?
if it is
There's not enough paper.

Valentine's Day
And now I have back
The person I love
my reason to smile.

You are my reason to smile<3

And you tell me to give that up.
You tell me he's not worth it
That he doesn't care
Well, let me ask you
If he never cared
Why'd he come back after loosing his computer because of me?
Why'd he keep doing everything to bring us together?
Why did he keep talking to me even though he'd get in trouble and he knew it?
Why'd he sneak on his xbox when his computer died?
Why'd he get up at five in the morning just to tell me he loved me?
Why'd he tell me so often how he loved me and I was the best thing in his life?
Why'd he talk to me?
If he never cared
Would he have had banners made for me?
Have never forgotten a special day?
Would he have repeatedly told me he didn't deserve me and I was the best mate ever?
Would he have said I was his world?
No.
He proved to me
Every day
He loved me
He cared more than anyone.
And you want me to give that up
Answer me this
Do you want me to die?
Because without him, I'd be a ghost
Trapped in myself.
Scared, hiding
Maybe even dead.
When you ask me to give him up
You're telling me to give up
My world
My hope
My dream
My love
My angel
My reason to live

So when you ask me to give him up,
Don't be surprised
When I say
HECK NO.

Today I tried To outrun
the person No one can ever leave behind
Myself

I got outside and Ran
As fast as I could
But then I stopped

I realized how pointless
My struggle was
I can't outrun myself.

However far or fast I run
I can't outrun myself
And that's the truth of life

You can't outrun yourself

How long, how long,
I check my watch,
and wait, feeling like,
though I'm complete,
I left my heart with you.

My heart is wrenched out,
every day,
while I'm away.
I daydream and sob,
mourning for the love I've left.

Your love, or what I think is love,
makes me want you more.
I want to see you soon,
I NEED,
Or I will lose my sense.

I cannot stay away much more,
I'd **** to see your face.
Even on my birthday,
I only have one wish:
for you to love me back.

What kind of friends don't even care when you want to **** yourself?
Love you guys too.

Another Friday.
I get up
False hope
That this one could ever
Be like that Friday

That Friday night
When he came back
And made my night
Even better
A night I will never forget

And as 7 comes
And passes by
I reload the page
A million times
While sitting there crying.

I wish he'd come back
I'm empty without him
He left me a shell
Empty, worthless,
Waiting for him to return.

They Say they'll be there
But when you need them they ****
When a thing comes up about you
They ask others about it, not you.
They never mention it to you
They leave you out
They hurt you
They mock you
They betray you

*I'm done with "Friends"

Today
At my friend's house
And I talked to him
For the first time
In a while
And though my heart beat
Just a little bit faster
I'm almost sure
I'm over him

You make me glad
I use ink, not blood
To write with,
Other days
You make me wish
I used razor blades,
Not fountian pens.

I know you all hate me
And wish I just stopped posting
And talking to you
And being around
Don't think I don't see the looks you give me
Or hear the whispers
I know you hate me
Think I'm insane
Yes, I am
Get over it
I'm a messed up kid
I cry in class
I get annoyed
I either do really well or really badly
I know I used to be the smart kid
But just because
You get a better grade than me
Doesn't mean you can shout it to the class
That you got a better grade than the smart kid
I have feelings too
I hurt too
I can be put down as easily
Maybe even easier
Than you
I'm not the best
I write
I sing
I'm smart
But you don't care
Because I'm overshadowed
And the only thing you care about
Is laughing at me
Or being better than me
Well, I get it
Quit bragging
*it hurts

I'm fine
I'm not okay at all but you don't care so I'll lie to you
I accidentally hit my wrist on something, it doesn't hurt
I didn't mean to say ow and I need some excuse
sorry
I get it I'm a freaking idiot and loser quit reminding me
whatever
It means a lot to me but I don't want you to know
go away*
I need you but I'm testing you to see if you can tell and if you care

Dear friend
Why didn't You
ever tell me
Anything.
I just found out
Everything
By talking to
your other friend.
You trusted them
Not me
And you have the guts to call us friends.
You tell them everything
And me?
You tell me nothing
You barely even talk to me.
This has been too long in coming
It's through.
Of course,
I'll play along
Pretend I'm your friend,
The way you do to me,
But I will tell you
Nothing
The exact thing
You told
Me