time goes slow
against the backdrop
of another bedroom
another wall
i cling to
i was surprised with how welcome i felt here
i want to live here for a while
and discover
all that
i looked over
(you)

the past of you
hides
and taunts
in interesting ways
i am learning
how to develop
a soft
armor
around
my heart
and mind
in order to move
(you)

the pale gesture i make to speak to you
is small and adolescent
you must feel this as you hardly return

i am wearing the ropes thin
hoping to endure what i can
until i give in
and finally forget about
what it was that i even
was hoping for

i am your devoted one
until my memory is gone

i lapse
in a moment of space
where you were talking
and i think about
love
and romance
there's such a difference
i understand this now
as i sink my head further into the pillow

love is dog eared
spread thin
and getting thinner by the hour
taking courage to sustain
in small doses of subtle hints of reality
pulling at your neck line
(can i have the noose already?
i swear, i've thought about dying since I was 8 years old)

romance
on the other hand
is heavy
light
everything all at the same time
a stagger
a limp
a shrug
a heavy sigh
someone giving you their favorite bracelet in a bathroom
writing your name
perfectly
in small sectors

of a bedroom
i once adored
i mourn you
tonight
a shape
is what
love and romance
has come down
to for me
a feeling
so morose
i long for it to be gone
to be known

I remember waking up to your texts

it would baffle me-the various ways you could say “good morning”

you kept it interesting and i fell asleep every night smiling, knowing i would hear from you

but now my phone stays silent most of the time

in a dream
underwater
i realize
the advice
i never gave myself
would one day
haunt me
it is here
now
that i cover my ears
open my mouth
and swallow the words
whole
heavy

in a perfect world

Holding my hand down the street
It is the luckiest street to witness this
And in this moment, I feel like the luckiest woman living
It is these small moments
When I am holding you at night
And I am merely mirroring what you give me darling
They say we can't start
But I can't listen
Because in this moment
Sitting across from you at the restaurant where we order the exact same thing,
I saw the softness of your face
What I haven't seen for some time
And I can't help but revert back
To only 3 weeks ago
And tell you just
How beautiful you truly are.

in my head
a frozen
still
image
of the girl you could have been
and the girl that i actually am
it all lines up
between wounds and gunshots
but i was always the only one left bleeding

i sit here
now
with thoughts
in a line
stacked
i like them that way
refrain
an endless longing for your teeth on my wrists
so that you may get
it in
argon
all along
all gone

if it was not for music
i would be
strung out
hopeless
waiting for a mistake to enter my temples
i'd regret this
only for a moment
but it's beautiful to be a loner
at times
when you can't make up your mind
how lovely it is to not waste another's time
with your regrets and indecision

Dear Universe,

I know that I **** up a lot when it comes to writing back
but I am working on getting better.
I'm actually working on getting better at a lot of things.
When I get home, I plan on gathering some recipes, running on the treadmill, buying stamps, paying those parking tickets.
In fact, I have a long list of to-do's in my head.
You'd laugh if you could see the race my mind plays (or maybe you can)?
It's exhausting.

You know, I wanna love without fear. I want to be confident in my emotional investments. I want to hold her and not wonder where it is her mind wanders. I want to be the best non-girlfriend girlfriend a girl like her could have.

I also want an even tan.

give me
the night
to lay in
i'll wrap my arms
around the hours
until i swallow the age in
ageless or aimless
are we now?
i can't keep my head in this
so instead
i gaze out
and fade in
bow out
because the body is tired
of repercussions
give me anything
to feel sentimental
over
and i'll adore it
like i've never known
love
before

slept between her thighs
for hours at a time
i could stay there all night
and you know i gladly would
but a woman has to keep some pride
am i right?
nowadays, i don't feel so right
but good god, i'm in love
(or I was)
and that should be enough
so i use my tongue to
lap up every apology
swallow it whole
even the stem
so that maybe one day
i can look past your sins
and call you

M I N E

in my head
a bride
of devout steel
around my fingers
through them
as if i've no skin
a pale aquamarine or night blue
where i turn to you
and simply say
"forget"

It is here
I was so blind
To realize
You have always deserved it all

our will is pure
but the past
we can't endure
and i am left guessing
which way we'll go
as the christmas tree we bought together
stands still
on your living room floor
undecorated
saying it all

This hell in my head
I can't shake it
This hell in my head
I can't fake it

I think about it all
about what was lost
I think about it all
about what we had

'Cause no one's gonna **** up my way
No one's gonna **** up my way now

If I told you what's on my mind
in the night
would you be careless with it
would you fight

What an odd thought
of what's not, of what's gone
A strong bond
I knew it wasan't the one

This hell in my head
I can't shake it
This hell in my head
I can't fake it

I want patience                        I want patience
Give it to me                            Give it to me

I want patience                        I want love
Give it to me                            Give it to me

she tells me she wants to go to the beach
on a day where we may each have the time off
i tell her "of course, i'd love to"
when really in my head i want to tell her
"i would take every **** day off just to go anywhere with you".
the beach, DMV, a gravel parking lot, my mother's abandoned apartment, her father's old high school, the desert, a hospital waiting room, her wealthy indecisions.

archaic
like the times
i used to play basketball
in the street in front of my house
with my brother
(David)

archaic
like the times
i sat on my bed
crossed legged and
filled with wonder
(terra)

archaic
like the times
you would braid my hair
and i knew you loved me
(Faith)

archaic
like the times
we finished each other's poems
on the rooftop of your tiny bedroom
(Lucas)

archaic
like the times
you took me for night drives
and we listened to new music
without speaking
and i knew that we didn't have to
(Strands)

archaic
like the time you took me
to Stinson Beach and
we played basketball
on a tiny heath
and you kissed me
wholly
fully knowing
we wouldn't last
(Strands)

archaic
like the times
all the times
these lives
that we live

i don't get ya sometimes
i'm trying

it's in small moments
when we are honest with one another
and i wish these small moments
lasted longer
so that we could actually grow from them
rather than just mind **** each other

i want to know you
i want to adore and endure this
i want to learn you
i want to love you
i want to understand how easily you change time
and your mind
and your glance

you asked me the other day if you think we are compatible
i haven't been able to shake off your question
because i never once doubted that
but by you asking, it shows you have

and i have nothing to say about that
other than
it's just sad.

you and i
should never leave the bedside
stuck to my left hip
i carve petals out of your rib
and finger the emblem
of knowing
this is love

late night rehearsals
jogging in my sleep
most days it feels like
this hard work is worth it
just something i repeat
to myself
when life is a lull
thick vellum around me

everything leaves me restless and yearning

but i thought that the timing was perfect

no less it could have been

but i am grateful

for such a beautiful woman

for such a forgettable sin

has brought us here

i rally my mind in a line to cross stitch time

i shrug my shoulders at the lulls

at the hours that i lost

and silently swallow in

all that you offer

all that you must

She asks me to understand her grief
I sleep beneath it
A pillar of flowers I hang my head with
I am surrounded by your hurt
(Well, at least the noose was beautiful)
Darling, I would undress your wounds
If I could
Like them clean
Heal with my tongue until you had no more feeling
But love is fleeting
and I am no better than the next one
Bury my mind with petals
Burn my eyes in haste
I want to forget
What it felt like
To discover hate

these days
i'm not afraid
cautious, rather
maybe you could even call me timid
because i learned not to love hard
not to waste excuses on what's not given
falling through the cracks
of a lie, of the living
i may as well be dead to you
so we could create a rhythm
with our apologies intertwined
on our tongues, split in mind
we'll never progress
darlin
we're just stalling the momentum.

i left a hair tie in your bed
under the pillow you use to rest your head
are you rested now?
i tried so hard to love you
even when it was not allowed
and you
fought the walls in which you lived
i know you are hurting
i can't imagine the race inside that mind of yours, darlin
but i tried
and i'm tired
of seeing you battle the one who cares for you
so, cling to the sins you haven't committed yet
while i try to look forward
because
forward is all
i have

You wanna hold my hand
You wanna break my heart
You wanna share your mind
With no regard

Oh, you're gonna lose me
If you keep this up
I believe in loyalty
But I'm not a fool
At least not yours.

in the throes of a trophy
in the throes of a nobody
while on top
of
a
beautiful body

nothing so beautiful as nothing at all

hung my head over your left shoulder
kissed every inch of your skin
as if those sins were clung to my lips
and all i want is to forget
and begin
again

i wonder
i wonder if she knows just how much i think about her
an embarrassing rift between my mind and what is
separates the left and right side of the brain
separates this prize into a gift
it corners into the color of my skin
just enough to augment

and it is her
undeniably
undeniably her
that i worship
that stirs
this endless blur
into a ruthless cure
that i was so longing for

i cannot shake you
i'd like to
i would prefer to
but since i cannot find the reason
nor the lesson
i fumble with my hands
before bed now
you humbled my being
and i guess i needed that
this beat down heart
never needed another beating
but there you went
i slow my breaths
how strange we humans
adapt

I trigger your bicep
and kiss you down to the marrow
my aimless heart takes shape
in the ridges of your hand

every line of your skin
every freckle, every gland
is a detail i want to inhale
until it sticks to the ribs, until i see where it lands

darling,
while i was away
i became good at collecting.

i rallied how many times i thought about you and they became my finest
collections.

here, come tread through this mind
of tooth and bone and there you will find
endlessly
you.

Babygirl told me to own that ****
so I'm gonna own that ****
gonna wrap my legs and heart around it
'til the armor, it cannot fit

Babygirl told me to own that ****
so I'm gonna own that ****
gonna wrap my legs and heart around it
'til you cannot but feel this *****

How strange
How strange
It is to love
How strange
How strange
It is at all

oh, i don't want to be everything
i just want to be (your) something

i want calm
not to be
just another number
for her to call
when she is feeling
alone
but i allowed that
so pay the consequence
of allowing yourself
not to make sense
and when will i
hold myself accountable
for letting in
what is not healthy?
for what is not kind?
for what is not right?

It's okay
To do without
When it's providing
Nothing
Within

the day goes blank
as i stare ahead
but can only see
the mouth of me
grazing your skin
empty promises acting as teeth
caught in between
ending
and
leaving
run this memory
all over me, darling
down to the dust of doubt
while i make love
to the pendulum of our love
when i say
i see beyond it
in my way
i mean to say
i see you
and i will always

could go crazy over
this
over
analyze
over
think
this
but i'm over
over thinking
so you come to me
with what you will
when you will
and that's just what we call life,
now ain't it?

i wonder
where it is that you go
when you leave
out of mind
elsewhere
repeating
your same behaviors
i've never been a fan of
the outsourcing of details and denial
so, if you must
then please leave
darling
and stay gone
because i'm tired of
the wonder
when it's not longer mystery
it's exhausting

you being you
unable to look truthfully at
yourself
unable to admit
your addictions
denial
or position
you being you
act horrible to me
and it's hard to not take it personally
but i know
it's because you don't like yourself
right now
but i did
i did

mr. know it all

knows no boundaries

no bounds

as she takes her words and makes her rounds

one by one

keep it coming, darling

your **** is so sweet

i’m so grateful for the wounds that your mouth keeps at repeat

it’s a graceful act

your love and song

because you act real quick and pretend nothing is wrong

until you’ve lost everything

and then you deny and you pause

and you look the other way

when the perfect girl is gone

last love's shadow,
exhausting
my mind is a rat race
shook and breaks
and i am not withholding
arms upon arms
wring your regrets around my neck
my darling
i'd still kiss every finger
until you've nothing left
we'll overthink this to death
and then it's up to you
where you'll stand
what's next

i'd like to move past
what time has stood still
for me
and turn my head
to your weak demands
of denial
and thoughtless pounding
on my chest
it hasan't broken yet
but it's bound to
if i stick around you
and i'm ******* stuck on you
just like the others
line 'em up
1, 2
i don't want to be the third
but darlin, i'm infinity
when it comes to loving



(you)

Is what people say to lessen the blow
of hearts benign
I stare at you and want nothing more
than the time you give me
yet your mind races and you fight yourself
while giving it
It's not the best feeling but I am feeling it.
You say you don't want love and I hear it.
You say you want only a friend so I'll be that.
Give me that chance rather than posing and stalling your words- I can see you using your mouth as a trap.
You're gonna **** off what was once such an easy, beautiful thing
All because you don't believe I can be what you need.
And that simply is- a friendship so deep
only we could understand, only we could reach.

we lay in bed
and speak to the ceiling
through each other
to one another
and finally tell our feelings
to the placeholders in the walls
to the guilt inside our chests
you were meant for loving
and i am craving it
my arms around you
my mind intertwined in this sweet divide
of where you and i started
of where you and i hide
it's easy to lose
when you face the collide
but darling,
all i've ever wanted
was to be by your side

every note, a reminder
of you
every note, a reminder
of why i have to leave

_

wait for it
that's what we say
when we don't know what to do with pain.

_

if i could undress your thoughts
and disregard your arms for armor
we could go there every night
we could go there every night

if i could undo this love
would i want to
(as armor)
we could go there every night
we could go there every night

understand that things got lost
understand that i got lost
understand that things get lost
understand that i got lost

__

in this moment, i don't exist
make me forget
holding my own hand
just for the sake of it
this modern truth
was not made for you
_

father, make me new
just like your used to
take me blindly
forced to understand you
and you can have what's mine
you can have your time
take me blindly
forced to understand
you
you
you