How can i forget
When i never even got to choose to forgive you for myself
I never had the chance to comprehend
Cuz you shoved your apologies down my throat
Everything I've ever forgiven you for was to save you,
It was not for myself
Well, I wont forgive you for that
It's not how forgivness works

you don’t know what it’s like,
watching a person you love, love something else.
partaking in what they want,
pretending to love it too,
hiding how you really feel.
it seems justified when you see how happy it makes them.
their eyes light up with joy,
they can’t help but smile,
they wear the look you do when you think of them,
but then it fades.
not their happiness, but yours.
you feel trapped,
changed into what they want.
slowly forgetting what it was that used to make you happy,
slowly forgetting what the happiness even felt like,
so you close yourself off.
following along faithfully.
all they wanted was to share the thing they love with the person they love,
but you can’t hold on forever.
so they fall out of love with you,
seek a new person to share with,
leaving you alone,
lost.
chasing after the object of their affection in hopes to win them back.
forever distancing yourself from the person you used to be,
forever trapping yourself in the world you so desperately want to escape,
forever following hopelessly in their footsteps.

You're a time-bomb,
Seconds away from imploding.
Tick-tack! Get a holding,
You're about to be.

You don't measure your words,
And they tend to cut like knifes.

Today
Today I saw nothing but blissness,
Covered up with clouds of video games and the exotic taste of Wi-Fi to lead me in the direction of blindness.

Today
Today I felt my thumb and index finger throb in exhilaration with just a teaspoon of rejuvenating pain.

Today I sat anxiously looking at the screen,
Running away from reality by re-creating a fantasy where I was the hero.

Today I ran away from this distasteful land.
Just like most people would.

Today I became an ignorant human being.

I followed the loud whispers of 'ignorance is bliss'
And for that I got the sweet serene kiss of nothingness.

Yes I admit today I was ignorant and I ran
Dodging and jumping, avoiding trouble in the forest of life.
After all there's only so much one can handle.

Responsibility called out to me and I pulled my get out of jail free card and I sat in front of the screen.
Envisioning a world like my video game.

Today I was ignorant
But not for long.

Leaving my sanctuary screen,
It was that time,
The time where my chores screens in "finish me,  do me, it's about that time",
Reluctantly I stood, eyes fixated on the trash I had to take,
With a heavy sigh.
I listened to the callings of my chores.

Plastic in my hand filled with yesterday's food,
Today's cleanings and maybe a little bit of breakfast.
Stomping down the stairs,
Unaware of my surroundings,
As ignorance enveloped me in a tight hug.
Shucks I'm only human.

My last step down the stairs
My senses heishtened, the warm chill envading my legs,
Causing goosebumps to rise, along with my left brow.
"Am I not to be ignorant? Why do I feel the wind? " my mind searched
My ears picked with a cry from a girl.
But this was no ordinary cry.

A cry of happiness when a daughter sees her father
A cry of contentness of an adventure between a father and daughter.

My ignorance shattered after that.
There are fathers that stay and become the greatest of parents
They need appreciation too.
Because a father daughter bond is just as important as a mother daughter one.

The smell of cigarettes reminds
Me of my father, but not
The thick chemical smell
Of most cigarettes, no he
Smokes an all natural brand:
Oxymoron Lights.
Which will still **** you, but
They smell so much better.
I used to hate that habit of
His, but now I know it's
More complicated than the
Addiction they warn about
In health class.

Kindergarten was the first
Time I learned about tobacco,
Properly. The teacher asked:
'Whose parents smoke'.
My tiny hand shot up with
Eagerness, pride even.
She had those of us with
Our hands raised get our
Jackets from their hooks
On the wall. Our classmates
Took turns smelling our coats
To determine whose smelled the
Most of cigarettes. The winner
A small blonde boy who's name
I don't remember, only his
Brown leather  jacket and the
Stench so strong it has stayed
With me fifteen years later.

I know now that my pink
Puffer coats lack of odor
Was a sign of my fathers
Good character and love.
I know now that he is not
Perfect. That he carries a
Life time of pain and regret
Behind his eyes because he
Thinks that I can not see it there.
And that cigarettes are a much
Lesser evil than the demons that
Haunt his past and the he will
Not let them haunt my present.
I know all of this now, but
Back then I just wanted
To smell like him.