I checked the mail everyday hungover feeling like shit probably looking just as bad.
The mail clerk always looked at me strangely .
How's the writing going ?
I had made the mistake one time of speaking to her one day.
She saw I was always sending out envelops to different magazines it was a small town what can I say she was a nosey bitch.
Well I'm almost making it I replied to her walking out the door.
It must be great seeing your words in print .
I don't know when they are I will tell you what it's like I replied .
I was standing at the door more than ready to leave get back home mix a drink and start my routine all over again.
She looked puzzled .
You get so many back surely you must get some things published .
There rejections they always are.
Aww come on you haven't even read them yet .
I'm psychic I don't need to read them.
How come you keep sending them out then if you know the result?
Well you see just like women turning me down I seem to never tire of asking besides if I badger them long enough just like a woman in a bar after a few drinks maybe I just might get lucky.
She just looked at me .
Well you have a nice day MR Robbins.
I left made my way home happy I could make the nosey bitch uncomfortable I never understood peoples need to know everything I loved my privacy I hated social networks there false bullshit happiness all on display it was like a store window all fake all fucking mannequins and fake smiles .
It was never reality besides who gave a fuck what you had for dinner !
I sat the mail on my desk or on that over crowded thing that I believe once was a desk .
Mixed a gin and tonic and began the self abuse that was reading rejection letters .
Most were the bland same shit .
Sorry to say no , We have to pass sorry and good luck .
One was a card not even a rejection slip these people were pros to bad the women didn't hand these out at bars .
Thank you for buying me drinks all night making crude jokes while staring at my tits.
Sorry to say not if you were the only man on earth and even if there wasn't a battery left in this world for my vibrator .
Now that would at least be good for a laugh I thought .
I got to the last one some little college paper known for there edgy bullshit .
Dear MR Robbins
We are happy to inform you on your recent submission to us.
We will be publishing your poem.
A Good Day To Feel Slightly Bad .
In next months issue of are paper thank you again and please feel free
to send us more work.
Goddammit I thought to myself.
Now how would I ever face the post bitch again knowing that I was a total fraud as a psychic.
Well either way I was always happy to be wrong.
I mixed another drink I thought about telling friends about my recent success.
Then I thought to myself.
I really didn't feel like making any today .
I never watch them leave .
You must remain a bastard to exist amongst the sharks.
But there's always the scars of a jaded mind to allow you the replay.
Dark nights always find me .
Where those memories reside the tomb stands in the cemetery I just seldom cast my view there anymore .
The fire never leaves you it remains to mock your current efforts.
And the great question seems far more right than wrong when dealing with the years of rejection.
I wonder am I alone ?
I wonder does the path run forever will my luck run out tonight ?
Kiss the wind as it casts embrace upon others.
Let the storms destroy them all and allow you to remain.
We are all locked within the asylum some just laugh to hear themselves think.
Old books give older answers to such simple questions .
Take her while she is waiting never think twice bout the moment .
A good bottle a darkened room.
I find solace in the silence .
Inside I'm always laughing to.
I lingred upon the edge as early morning and no replies have found a truth only the darkness can grasp.
Pills taken and hours spent the moment won't matter as it all is forgotten just the same.
In chased chords the tune clings to the heart if only I could do the same.
We saw the ending and now it is I whom stands alone.
They are all false truths were told the high so vast when you come down they will all judge you just the same.
I am a space taken and nothing more.
You played in the shadows and found the depths not shallow as you hoped it to be my dear.
We shared vices and nothing more
To you I say good riddance.
And a sincere fuck you!.
Why bury the past when you can allow those demons to run free?
Push it a little further and embrace the decay.
You probably won't be shocked when you hear.
Course you know what they say about opinions.
And a space will be available soon.
Once it was so fucking easy to connect.
We drifted as stranger's.
And now I a relic.
Stands part of something long forgotten.
Fueled by ego now drown in rejection they all leave you eventually.
Friends are nothing more than accidents waiting to happen I need only the critic to tell me I'm wrong to know something still is done right.
A theater of my thoughts tattered in a part of town long since overlooked by others stands all the same as I still remain.
My pages worn beaten exist with as much passion as they did so long ago.
Fruits of my labor now rotten none wish to consume.
Fuck what you know!
For even I cannot understand whom I truly am.
Trace the lines there still mine just the same .
I listened to the fools laughter at my expense thinking I have lost what we never choose to behold.
The sleeping dog simply waits for the chase worth while than runs to
do something simply to spend time.
I never left I simply waited .
Time choses the fate and I simply fill in the blanks.
And in between the changes she moved a ghost to only haunt my wants .
To deny the needs and linger in such a tormented pleasure the poison leaves only the lust.
In between rounds the music's backdrop faded as thought's of sharks and pricks of all sort simply lingered for the kill and the prey was clear.
She held the keys and I simply admired the view in between drinks .
A good dancer moves with the music and a true one owns the moment and makes you forget all the rest.
She could pop the clutch without ever shifting the gears the nights tension was electric and the passion was as real as the false splendor of the buzz.
Nights are a mystery and fuck if her page wasn't worth reading and if not it didn't matter when the mind escapes the wolves .
Never to consider the want fuck the politics!
The race was far better than its finish and the night played far better in my favor standing alone.
In those moments we share and between the emptiness we try in vain to fill the scene of perfection and the silence a pleasure in the hours .
Tonight I viewed the devils outline.
She was a picture the fragment of a fix and the night a backdrop. Summer wasn't all that kept the night hot .
As night was chased to light .
Sometimes its best to never show your cards .
As tomorrow was never my destiny but tonight was are pleasure.
The page tattered has seen its share and the rest is best left a mystery.
It was a hell of a view .
I have searched for you in many things found parts but never the components that existed within the whole of you.
I have searched for you in others , I have searched for you in the bottle .
I have found emptiness in my efforts broken dreams bitter ends I have found rejection that you never allowed me to see within the dream you cast over are existence .
I knew as I awoke this morning the rains symphony cast upon a tin roof would cause me only to reflect .
I remember you without effort you were my evergreen and those are the worst kind of memories for no others can live up to the delusion of what once was .
Together in those moments we lived more than in these years apart .
I remember it all in spite of my efforts to erase every single image of you from my dreams .
How I need that delusion when the silence brings nothing but pain.
I have to say goodbye to you now for the poison of what was is killing the moments I have left .
I realize love was are curse and time will remain the burden.
We were the best of are passion nights with you spoken words though few between in a passion cast serenade .
Would remain hours over simple sentences of others.
I wonder do we stand still somewhere in time if so I do not a more beautiful portrait ever could be painted in red sunsets and a oceans farewell.
The hardest thing I have ever done is closed my thoughts to you.
Goodnight sweetheart .
Maybe somewhere in time we will wake together anew .
I was trapped lured into lie by a clever evil mastermind .
Lost in a strange land locked away in a basement guarded by some twisted hamster on steroids known as a kangaroo.
Sure I had been tricked by evil means by the mastermind known as Helen hey look she told me there was a huge orgy down in the basement with tons of strippers and cocaine who wouldn't fall for that? Duh everyone knows you never let strippers in the good part of your house .
So here I was living in the basement like some sad nerd who probably posts on a web site everyday thinking they are totally awesome cause they have five hundred followers when in reality they'd be lucky if they had even one human friend in real life.
I was talking about one of those star wars nerd sites cause everyone knows I'd never bash a site like Hello that is ruled by a evil cult leader who moved to the states after collecting money under guise to help the site when in reality it was for his sex change .
Yeah Id never pick on someone like that .
Frankly I'm hurt you'd think that I'm kidding and as long as I'm breathing I will always be your favorite ruthless bastard slash hooker with a heart of gold.
I sat there in my new cell wondering just what the hell I was to do all the while kangaroo jack kept his beady little eyes locked onto me .
Yeah I knew he was sitting there mentally undressing me with his eyes I felt so naked course id probably feel better if I actually put some clothes on.
Duh who wears clothes at a orgy dumbass?
Had I known this was all a lure I would have kept my clothes on and kept my trusty rape whistle and not got into this mess to begin with.
I was ready to scream for help when all the sudden I herd a sound .
Muffled as it was still I herd it the kangaroo hopped as it approached me oh dear lord man I was far to fragile to be assaulted by this weird ass overgrown rat .
The sound was so strange it sounded like the men at work song land from down under but where the fuck was it coming from!
The Kangaroo was getting far to close it leaned over into my face and being a true man I did what any other true man would do.
Began to cry and beg this fucked up gerbil not to rape me.
Answer the fucking phone mate.
It said to me as I was stunned .
Hey asshole answer the fucking phone .
It said again incase your to high or didn't read it the first time .
You fucking talk and what fucking phone I asked trying to hold back the tears let me tell you these animals were known killers they were like Canadians on crack with incredibly strong legs yeah imagine what nickel back could do with powers like these those heartless bastards would be unstoppable .
I was lost naked and afraid minus the camera crew and some dirty chick who smelled really bad and bitched at me for not having great hunting skills why not call that show what millions of people wearing clothes call it .
Marriage yeah now there's some scary shit!
Look shit for brains snap out of hit .
The kangaroo said as it kicked me upside the head .
Answer the fucking phone so we can get on with this story you dipshit.
I swear those kangaroos really had a mouth on them who knew such cute looking standing rabbit could be such a asshole.
Okay so where the hells the phone and never kick me again you got it!?
I have no clue where your furry foots been.
Up your grandmas ass mate and where else would I keep my phone in my fucking pouch .
Look You can insult me how ever you like Gerbil but I'm not putting my hand in that pouch besides that is the oldest trick in the book you know how many times I fell for that with grandpa ?
This steroid fed mouse asked as it looked at me like all other people and some who read this might think.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Yeah that's a whole other write in itself .
Answer the fucking phone in my pouch now asshole!
Umm no .
Why not ?
Cause I don't want to .
Look you prick if I had long enough arms I would do it but I cant okay
you know how fucked up it is to have arms this short now you know why the T Rex was the most pissed off dinosaur of them all .
Yeah I had to admit my new friend slash captor had a point imagine being a total badass that cant jerk off boy that's some fucked up shit but enough with the foreplay hamsters.
After some back and fourth debate I against great protest reached in this hopping asshole's pouch and found a cell phone .
Well Gonzo how you like your new digs mate?
I knew that voice anywhere .
My friend turned evil super villain explained to me her evil plan to keep me hostage and force me to co write for eternity in this basement guarded twenty four seven by Ursula her trained evil kangaroo henchwoman .
It was clear all hope was lost how could I ever escape the clutches of such twisted evil?
Then it occurred to me I would simply bust the window in the basement and get the fuck out of here .
I had to act fast cause it's almost happy hour at the bar kids and this hamster is thirsty.
Hey Ursula I really got to use the bathroom .
Well go ahead mate the toilets in the corner .
Yeah but you know I really like my privacy you know I mean I tell you those burritos are really talking back if you know what I mean but hey if you can stand the smell be my guest I mean sure the oder alone will strip the paint off the walls but I'm sure after you pass out from the fumes you will be fine.
Fine you stupid bastard just make it quick Ursula said as she bounced her grouchy ass upstairs .
It was my only shot and thank God they had left a trusty boomerang around so I could bust the window to make my escape its almost like it was planned that way being I'm writing the story.
No shit Sherlock!
I was free as a bird if a bird had a really bad drinking problem and twisted sense of humor and was totally naked .
I looked to the front gates but there was no way I could escape that way barbwire and flesh didn't mix that well besides without there draw bridge down the crocodiles would eat me alive yeah these Aussies were total freaks .
So like some naked ninja I made my way around Helens Compound of evil making my way upstairs I slipped into a room in hopes of finding just where my clothes had been taken to.
Hey help me .
I herd a mans voice say as I flipped on the light to find a horrific scene a strange man chained to the wall no wonder this evil woman was such a prolific writer .
Hey mate help me please get me out of here .
I knew this woman was evil but after some deep discussion I learned this poor man trapped in this upstairs sex dungeon was secretly her husband I know how weird who has there sex dungeon upstairs ?
I don't know what I'm going to do I'm never getting out of here Gonz .
I unchained my knew friend after he told me he knew how to find a way out of here and after finding my clothes and grabbing my trusty case of bourbon we put on some music caught a killer buzz and totally forgot why we were trying to escape the clutches of evil to begin with.
The party was great we laughed we cried we watched some really freaky homemade movies once only made me love my knew Aussie brother more Shawn was fucking awesome a bit of a freak but fucking awesome.
The party was going full swing when the doors few open and there she was my evil long lost sister Helen and her demented ass evil henchwoman slash house pet kangaroo Ursula who although a animal had some great legs I have to admit .
The gigs up Gonz it's off to the basement with you forever !
I looked at my new best friend thought about how sad he was when I found him and thought of the great times we could have roaming the wasteland looking for gasoline like in mad max just being totally drunk instead.
Yeah then Helen yelled in her outside voice inside and bout made me piss myself so I said fuck this and left my brother behind and hauled ass
I made it to the kitchen but was trapped by Helen and her evil sexy minion .
Give it up Gonz Helen said .
At that moment I grabbed a knife .
Oh cut the crap Gonz stop being silly what are you going to do with that ?
She thought she had me but I had one last trick up my sleeve .
I opened the fridge and grabbed her trusty box of wine
You bastard don't you dare hurt my baby!
Yeah you want this back I said as walked forward and out of the kitchen towards the veranda .
You get back Helen or I swear the box of wine gets it.
Oh yeah you stab that box then I will drop this fifth of your bourbon over the rail Helen said with that devilish look in her eyes.
You heartless bitch !
She dropped the bottle I swear it cried daddy as it fell to the ground shattering to a million pieces on the concreate beside the pool wow I had to admit she really had a nice place.
I mean sure she was twisted evil heartless had a awesome husband she kept in a upstairs sex dungeon but enough about Helens good quality's .
I looked as my pour bottle lay shattered upon the floor .
I laughed you know that wasn't my only bottle .
I know that mate then reached to Ursula grabbing yet another bottle from her pouch dam you Australia why must you have so many fucked up animals in one place its like a zoo on crack.
Helen went to drop yet another bottle over the rail when I cracked.
I will put your box of wine down just don't hurt the bottle okay .
Deal mate Helen replied .
We both slowly put are true passions in life down .
I'm glad you could see things my way Gonz now time for you to get writing .
Yeah Helen I don't think so I said pulling the trusty boomerang from a location I rather not disclose hey I been to prison before you be surprised the stuff people smuggle in.
Dam that hurt.!
I threw the boomerang with all my might this was my one truly last chance at getting out of here.
But like some Aussie ninja Helen just ducked the thing as it flew past her head went flying around the house and turned direction coming straight towards me hitting me in the skull.
As I fell to my death music played as I took that long dramatic one story fall .
I hit the pavement like Lindsey Lohans career.
I laid there broken my new best friend speaking to me no gonz don't leave me we could have are own spinoff if only you didn't die .
Shawn my brother I will never forget you but I have just one last thing to say to you are you listening .
Yes mate I am.
And at that moment of dire sadness I ripped the biggest fart .
Shawn busted up laughing as above Helen looked at Ursula
Men are so fucking disgusting .
And later as they all sat looking down upon me from the veranda Helen furious at her man slaves betrayal told her partner in crime slash killer kangaroo .
Ursula go fetch the battery out of the car and the nipple clamps someone is going to be punished .
Shawn's face lit up with joy yay he exclaimed .
Helen shoot him a look .
I mean oh no such horror please don't torture me mistress .
But hey don't judge them there not freaks there Australian.
Ursula shook her head as she made her way to fetch the car battery .
Jesus Christ why couldn't I have been Mel Gibson's pet.
Helen looked down one last time at her dead brothers body .
But to her surprise he was gone .
The dramatic Halloween music played as Shawn looked to his evil temptress slash wife .
Mistress was that the boogeyman?
She slapped the shit outta him fuck no its just that lovable perverted misspelling prick across the water everyone calls Gonzo.
She shook her head and laughed to herself .
We will meet again my friend .
Until next time kids or Helen finds and actually kills
me stay crazy.