Shady Pines NC    1977 -   
Hello folks If ya dont know me then what the hells wrong with ya?
Im a madman insane kinda weird legend of Hello.
Better known as Gonzo and yeah I owned the Pub.

Im a baroom poet influenced by Burkowski. And Hunter S Thompson Im a music freak and have been inspired by many songwritters to many of which to name

Im alot of things website owner insane nut.
and a out there writter but hell im fun.

Hey and if ya like my humor and rather hear than read it check out me out
on youtube at
gonzo robbins
Just think Gonzo live yeah I know but hell I need the views and fans or crappy comments hey I'm
a asshole tons of people tell me every day.

Also be on the look out for my first book coming out through Dipp Press.
Entitled A Cold Beer Beats A Warm Heart .

Yeah I know I have a publisher most people are shocked I can even read.
Well folks anything else you need to know just shoot me a message.
Cheers your drinking buddy for life.

Hello folks If ya dont know me then what the hells wrong with ya?
Im a madman insane kinda weird legend of Hello.
Better known as Gonzo and yeah I owned the Pub.

Im a baroom poet influenced by Burkowski. And Hunter S Thompson Im a music freak and have been inspired by many songwritters to many of which to name

Im alot of things website owner insane nut.
and a out there writter but hell im fun.

Hey and if ya like my humor and rather hear than read it check out me out
on youtube at
gonzo robbins
Just think Gonzo live yeah I know but hell I need the views and fans or crappy comments hey I'm
a asshole tons of people tell me every day.

Also be on the look out for my first book coming out through Dipp Press.
Entitled A Cold Beer Beats A Warm Heart .

Yeah I know I have a publisher most people are shocked I can even read.
Well folks anything else you need to know just shoot me a message.
Cheers your drinking buddy for life.


We had blown through half the booze and the drugs were nowhere to be found  in this oasis's of debauchery and bad decisions .
Bone had thrown his usual  temper fit and with his spoiled rich boy roots showed his ass in the worst possible way till someone finally shut him the fuck up.

And after the pissed off dude had knocked my sometimes friend most times pain in my ass sidekick out.
Looking to me in half spent rage and bloody knuckles asking now what the fuck are you  going to do?

Well I'm going to have another round and play the jukebox now that someone finally shut that bastard up what you having amigo?
You mean your just going to sit there and let me get away with what I did to your friend that way.

Who that guy in the floor I don't know him.
But you came in here together shit you been sitting here drinking for at least five hours and your telling me you don't know him?

Oh that guy sleeping in a pool of blood in the floor?
Yeah stupid .
Nope never met him but he 's alright sometime when he's not shitfaced then he's well less a prick and more just a regular asshole .

What are you fucking with me gringo!?

The burly man asked as pure anger flowed like the Rio grand within his eye's
Some people have to build the rage up like some strange volcano to inflict damage on others and some are just pissed off by design.
I wasn't sure of this man's type I just knew it was to dam hot to hit the highway and the cervasa was cold the music was right and I had no intention of leaving before my buzz kicked in.

What's to stop me from just kicking your ass like I did this fucking jackass  gringo you tell me what's to stop me from taking your money and  rolling your ass right out of this place?

Mexico still bleeds of the past and it's people still show that passion for a good fight that at it's base is the true nature of man .
Not to be some violent nut but the passion for life at it's sharpest and most dangerous edge .

Well my friend I can think of a few reasons and probably none will be that pleasant.

I'm done with your games fucker .
The man moved forward fists clenched ready for round two I suppose
but his eye's sure were shocked when he found a barrel of a gun placed firmly between his eyes.

Now I told you this wasn't going to be pleasant sure you could have sat your angry ass down on a bar stool had a drink or two but no you had to play the asshole when I was just trying to catch a good buzz I swear some people have no manners .

The room went dead silent like some cheap spaghetti western right before someone was about to get killed minus that weird ass music so I guess it wasn't that silent at all as one old man turned his head then just went back to his drink like I don't give a fuck as long as he doesn't bother me or make me stop drinking.

Oh shit gringo don't pull that fucking trigger  the man said his rage had turned more into a look of fear or maybe just a look of he just shit his pants honestly what's the difference well minus the smell.

with a gun in one hand and a beer in another I called the bartender down .
Mix me a mist and coke barkeep please.

No Whiskey just tequila senior .
What ! I replied in a fake sort of shock .
I swear no whiskey No women what kind of bar is this place I swear do I have to shoot somebody to get a bottle of whiskey ?

No no gringo the man at the end of the gun pleaded just get him some fucking whiskey Goddamit  he yelled at the bartender.
Really you don't have to be rude oh I'm sorry what's your name I been to busy holding you at gunpoint you must forgive my manners.

My names Gonzo I enjoy killing my liver hookers but only in moderation  like a good Christian  and ballroom dancing .
The man at the end of the boom stick lost all fear at least for a second.
Really ballroom dancing?

I'm kidding bout that one amigo but I do enjoy watching a good pole dancer  high five to that I mean I would  give you a high five if I wasn't holding a gun to your head and all .

Um you ever going to tell me your name bud?
I looked at this now downright scared shitless man who seemed to have a real issue with sweating from the strange puddle on the floor.

I swear you pull a fully loaded pistol on someone and point it to there head and everyone just acts so serious people are so strange these days.

Bill the man with a sweating problem replied.
Bill ?  Really what Mexican is named Bill ?
I mean I come all the  way down here get into some wild west kickass trouble and I find the only Mexican named Bill .
Fuck you Machete you ruined my whole experience of what this was supposed to be like.

Sir. the man tried to speak up behind the  bar.
Don't interrupt me barkeep I'm on a dam roll here duh who you thinks writing this story imaginary person I created within my own demented mind.

You see Bill when I come across the border I expect a few simple things kick ass whores cheap drinks and badass people like yourself named Razor or Spider  Or  El Nino or some sort of shit is that raciest sure put labels on what we have here amigo but I come for a kickass time in Mexico  and you really well you just killed it so I hope your happy.

I'm so sorry but please don't kill me Bill Replied .
Sir the barkeep spoke up again.

Okay what bartender being my whole trip has been ruined by Mexican Bill who honestly I feel if not for all this gun and life or death shit we could have a true connection but not like in a gone fishing on that mountain shit were those two cowboys corn hole each other  or maybe they just played corn hole once is fine I mean its not like I saw that movie and cried at the end cause duh I would never go see that in some cheap attempt to get laid by my teenage stripper girlfriend yeah don't ask.

Okay barkeep what the hell is it.
Well sir were not in Mexico.
This man was clearly more drunk than I for he didn't know what dam country he was in.

Amigo are you sure you know what your talking about.
Well yeah the barkeep replied your in Busch gardens theme park .
Well that certainly explains the fucking roller coaster and why that woman near it slapped me when I asked how much for a blowjob boy do I feel embarrassed.

I knew I shouldn't have had that acid before leaving the house .
I did think it was strange that Germany was within walking distance.

So after nearly giving Mexican Bill a heart attack who was actually was Canada Bill once made me feel a little better because  honestly just for Nickleback and Justin Bieber  was grounds enough to pull a gun on him .

We sat  enjoyed some drinks as Bone laid passed out in the floor and said I don't want to go to school every time I kicked him cause I'm a true jerk for a friend duh like you hadn't figured that out.

We laughed we rode rides we beat some dude up in France just because he was French .

And in the parking lot as we said are goodbyes.
I stood there and said you know Bill it's been great sorry bout the whole thinking I was in a foreign country and pulling a gun on you and stuff.

It's cool Gonz sorry about all my shitty music we pollute your airwaves with I know it's like being prison fucked by some dude called Harley .

Well I got to go and Bill  you stay crazy and by the way go take a fucking bath cause you shit your pants and it smells worse than Taylor swifts crouch okay .

Yeah the city landfill doesn't have shit on her .

We parted  are ways drunk and behind the wheel like good Americans .
And if that pisses you off just wait till my next write.

Duh it's just a story dumbass.
Stay crazy hamsters .

Your captain  


If there is anyone I have neglected to offend please feel free to contact me at.

Shady Pines Mental Facility.
PO box 3   27950
#funny   #weird   #insanity   #party   #theme   #mexico   #parks   #boobies   #gonzo  

The first inductees were named I sat there half hung over and a stiff drink in the wait to  kick the party off once again.
The names were called and they were the people who actually started this site not just came long afterwards to pick the bones clean of a already dead animal that ones for you like button zombies.

They were all there Bathsheba ,Richard Shepard although his where is Waldo new persona had not allowed him to be seen yet again.
Chris Smith they were all announced minus one name that shown through the dark like a true beacon  of total debauchery  the man the myth the walking train wreck yours truly Gonzo.

After the announcement everyone made sure to give the lucky panel a good dose of the clap once I'm sure wasn't the first time some of are panel had encountered that.

What?,They are all excellent writers and deserve the applause get your mind out of the gutter you loveable pervez  you.

I knew there must have been some mistake so I approached the strange little Nazi who runs the show here to ask had my name been forgotten by mistake.

Hey there person I cant say your name or you will banish me to the hello closet with your co owner and life partner .
Yes Gonzo can I help you ?
The dark lord himself said in his usual why wont this bastard die and leave me alone little naughty  voice of his.

You mean in a sexual sense Hitler ?
Adolf looked at me in his usal look of is this bastard insane or just fucking with me sense .

Look you misspelling weirdo what the hell do you want?
For murder and rape to become legal and Justin Biebers  head on a silver platter .

That is in such bad taste.
Yeah I replied I know maybe just the murder thing cause that man rape is terrible have you ever seen deliverance?
Made me want to never go camping again I mean honestly why couldn't it have Mark Walberg being rode like a piggy mmm twisted .

Gonzo what the hell is wrong with you !?
Honestly Adolf to much to explain in this write I believe it all started when my mother sold me for crack yeah she only got like four rocks duh I'm at least worth ten what a bitch love ya mom.  

I swear you drunken perverted halfwit if you don't just get to the point I'm going to shoot you myself you insane bastard .

I was shocked by these words never had anyone said such nice things about me with there outside voice once was strange being we were inside at the holiday Inn convention center deep in the mental wasteland called Ohio .
Yeah I know why Ohio?
Well cause Hello has no money that's why we beg more than those cheap hookers at PBS.

But enough with the foreplay children.

Adolf I will for once in my semi sober existence speak clearly .
Why the fuck am I not a part of the motherfucking hall of fame being I was here from day fucking one before half the people who think there hot shit ever fucking were you fucking cyber Nazi!

Was that clear enough ?

I must have hit a chord for the mighty cyber warlord shot me a look of pure rage that made me wish I had brought my trusty rape whistle.
Sure   I know that no one will respond I just like blowing it the whistle that is cause Gonzo don't swing that way yeah sure there was that one summer in college and I know  what your thinking.

Gonzo went to college?
What it could happen hell were did you think I got my black belt in drinking?

Look you demented fucker you may have had a audience of perverts and teenage girls and demented old ladies who raise coyotes for there dominatrix job fooled into liking your work but I will never ever ever Put you into the Hello Hall Of Fame ever ever he continued on for awhile beating his little fist on the podium he was such a loveable little Nazi kind of a mix of Elton John and Martha Stewart.

So maybe next year ?
No dumbass .
So what your saying is maybe after I'm dead and the world has gone into a state of thank the fucking Lord we don't have to read this long winded bastards work anymore  then maybe?

Don't you understand the word no?
Well being I hear it all the time from my teenage wife you think I would but hey I've learned like after some very manly crying and begging like a dog eventually  she caves  in or if I pay her like her other clients  .

I'm kidding I'm a writer I have no money.

It was clear this egg wasn't going to crack or go sunny side up for me now maybe get a little scrambled in-between as you sit there reading wondering what the fuck is wrong with this guy writing this story on a poetry website.

It's cause I'm black isn't it Adolf ?
Do you own a mirror Gonzo?
Duh what do you think a snort my lines off of dumbass besides  my heart is more black than that of any twisted freak ego maniac who enjoys a good drink and some even better hookers .

Look Gonzo I'm tired and I got to get out of here cause if we don't clear out we have to pay a late fee besides there's a star track convention waiting and you know how those nerds get when they when you put off them meeting there messiah William Shattner .

True those strange little hamsters were worse than rednecks at a monster truck show with no beer in sight.

I had to for once admit defeat Adolf held the keys and much like a hot barely legal chick The Hello Hall Of Fame wasn't in my cards .
Yeah rules and stupid laws can be such a cock block.

I was broken so I did what any grown man in the same situation would do went to the bar and pouted in a corner and flipped all my old friends off then realized that the bar was filled with a bunch of Sci Fi nerds who kept wondering who the fuck is that weird dude crying in his beer flipping everyone off.

And after one to many insults the nerds decided to go all Chuck Norris on my ass I'm kidding they threatened to call there parents and have them give me a good scolding and being it was the first time Mom and Dad  got them out of the basement this year I knew there would be hell to pay.

I looked deep into my darkened soul and had to think fast .
So I did what any good con man and half ass writer would do.
Told them I was Gene Roddenberry's son and signed autographs and took there free drinks and had a good screw with a green chick .

And who said I didn't believe in happy endings .
Live long and stay crazy hamsters .


And upon reading this you may wonder hey is there a Hello Hall Of Fame?

Really do you need a answer.
Newsflash neither is Santa Claus , The Easter Bunny, Or Katy  Perry's Tit's .
#im   #funny   #jokes   #insane   #acid   #rainbows   #cocaine   #ohio   #gonzo   #kangaroos  

We sat there hung over and out of are minds in some no name dinner just outside of Austin .
Are thoughts ached from the party we sat there nursing lukewarm coffee no words spoken between us said more than any burnt out conversation could ever express .

I viewed my friend a madman who's spark had left him with  far to many vices and they had consumed his thoughts he no longer was the man behind the character he was the god dammed character.

I can't say where he lost it maybe between the whores and cocaine or the constant drinking binges the bastard seldom was clear and I learned I was no match for the train that was bound to leave the tracks at some time.  

Where to next amigo?
He asked looking at me through those sunglasses that seemed to never come off his head it was like a weird mask that was a permanent part of his self indulged existence .

I got to head back man , I found myself saying in a almost apologetic sense even though 'for my own mental health I truly had no other choice .

The drugs the nonstop train wreck existence of a candle burned at both ends wasn't in my cards and I had no desire to view this stranger I once called a friend crash and burn before my very eye's let alone take me down with him.

He simply looked into his black as night coffee and laughed to much for you is it old bud?
Hell John it's to much for me pal but I only understand full throttle and I been doing this shit to long to stop  now .

It's not all that Gonz I'm just fucking spent my minds bleeding from the last couple of days you fucking can't keep this shit up or you'll be dead you and I both know it .

Gonz just shook his head man your getting soft.
Fucking to much of that home cooking and regular pussy will warp you amigo not my kind of scene brother but I understand .

As he said those words I knew this was as close to a farewell  as I could ever expect he was going down the track and off the rails no matter who stood in his way or expressed there concern it truly didn't matter .

We finished are coffees tipped the waitress and said are goodbyes well as close to a goodbye as you could expect from this real life character the last of the true outlaws no matter how much I wished he would slow the fuck down I knew in some ways it just wasn't the way shit was supposed to play out.

Standing there in his worn sports jacket fedora and shades he seemed a force of nature not a broken down madman most would consider him to be .

So where the hell you heading now you crazy bastard ?
He laughed that big laugh of his as always.
Opening both arms yet another gesture as big as the personality that truly was him .

Mexico brother!
Some crevasses some tequila some good well good in a bad way women it'll be a time that would make the devil himself blush sure you don't care to tag along drinks always on me brother.

In that moment I had to admit he could bullshit the best of them  but considering my liver was already bleeding and my thoughts were burnt from a scene that would surely shock even the most jaded of us all I had to pass .

Maybe next time my friend .

I said knowing full well this would be the last time of course I could never count this madman out but I had to view from afar for my own sanity's.

Well brother your going to miss a hell of a time ,He said as he turned to head towards his car .

Some many outlaws rode of into the sunset while it seemed this walking circus of debauchery just preferred to stagger in the sunrise
Don't know what kept him going guess the fucking drugs helped .

He never bothered to wave goodbye as he squealed his tries  bound for hell and a last good time.
But as he always said there's nothing more corny in this life than looking back my brother .

Are farewells were unspoken and that I knew was the last I would ever see of the friend who had become the character again.

Adios brother.

This bar has seen the past as it has been washed clean by today.
Known the scars of fights past lingered in the moment only to  see it replay.

Old friends and past faces we've known together so many years now  I stand alone.
This bar is part of my soul as a ghost I remain long after my life and these doors come to a close.

To the raised glass and closing time dance .
Are waters have seen many a storm tomorrow will be no different my friends.  

Amber the whiskey gold held to light the pint glasses perfect hew .
Time has left us all fragmented time breaks the soul ,time is all that is the history of me and you.

A toast to the nights they paint magic without canvas my thoughts a evergreen signs of neon cast the best fucking shadows my dear.

This bar stands eternal a ghost as myself .
The fog holds mystery but none for you .

Closing time has come .

Cherish your thoughts for it's all we truly ever own my friends .

He stepped into the bar like a refugee finally hitting free land.
The cool washed over him as inevitably everyone turned around to see who was coming through the door.

You always saw people come through here during the summer the marina drew them in like flies to honey in this stranger was no different than the rest.
What can I help you with pal I asked knowing full well what his answer would be but hey it's my fucking job all right.

As I'd expected he was just here launching a boat .
The weather was perfect the water as smooth as glass but this man wasn't  out for enjoyment as I can see out the window at the dock his family waiting impatiently for him to get his ass out there and get this little family get-together on the road so to speak.

Want a beer bud , I asked.
Man I fucking wish might make this trip a little fun actually he said in a he wasn't really joking kind of manner.

It's always good to see someone stripped of their balls a person who works there ass off all week only to be tortured just a little bit more on his off time maybe  that's why never had family or maybe I was just a self-centered bastard you probably agree with the latter.

So you off with the family for a little boat ride huh?
Yeah man I wish I was sitting here in this ice cold air conditioner drinking a even colder beer fuck it would be nice, he said as no later did his new mother  better known as his wife opened the door.

David come on were  waiting so  get your ass in gear, The high-pitched speaking banshee yelled looking up at a room full of drunks in a repulsed manner such a charming woman no wonder this man had a look in his eyes like he rather chew through his own wrist then set sail with his charming wife and already bored and over it children.

I'm coming Gloria he replied as he looked back to me and rolled his eyes.
She slammed the door as she stomped off like a little child who'd been denied a toy from a store.

The man paid his launching fee  as he turned to leave I told him to wait.
As I poured a stiff double bourbon placing it down on the bar in front of him.

He looked at me, puzzled I didn't order that.
No my friend but you dam sure need it and I said to him.
Well I can argue with that one he took the shot kicked it back like a man wandering the desert who just discovered a oasis.

Hey man you know of any places out there on the sound that got really good views he asked me as I poured him another double.
Just then a just of age brunette walked to the bar in a pair of tight shorts and a  snug top and leaned over the bar hey there I'll have my usual she said shooting me and the stranger a smile that I'm sure had gotten her more than just prompt service before.

The poor sap stared at this young woman like a prisoner seeing some half naked young thing driving by in a convertible waving to him as he stood on the other side of the fence.

Well amigo as for the water I can't really say but from where I stand the fucking view is outstanding.

The guy took one last shot and headed out the door and as the launched his boat he nodded his head as he shot me a look like Fuck I wish  I was staying at the bar.

I just nodded my head and turned my back.
Yes for some the white picket fence the dog out in the front yard shtting all over their lawn screaming kids and wife who greet you every day when you get home and secretly plots to poison you or kill you in your sleep.

Yes that delusion cast dream may seem like a stable paradise for some.
But viewing the beautiful wicked little creature across the bar seemed a far better evening than one spent in a nonstop bitching purgatory.

Cheers stay crazy


Sometimes we have to go through hell just to understand were alive.
In that case I am doing great I do suppose .
I have seen friends vanish lost a website I created and ran for many a year lost readers and lost my mind on more than one occasion.

Sprinkle in a very bad accident on a motorcycle and you have the ingredients for a bang up year.

I find people are delusional when it comes to writing .
They think a contract means your life all the sudden changes for the better ,When in truth it is just the end of one struggle and the beginning of the next.

Problems never end but with any change there are just new problems .

My life is a fucking train wreck and I have played that full throttle lifestyle to my advantage for far to long .
But it was never a act there is nothing fake about me .

I live for I know every moment is uncertain and in that understanding I embrace every second.
Few people truly know me they either know what they have herd or simply make up the rest .

You cant waste time over the ignorant for as soon as you knock one down there are fifteen more standing in that fools exact same place.

Fuck them if they don't get you .

I have found more comfort in a night spent under the stars than in the company of those who would tell you there good intentions while placing a knife to your spine.

I'm a asshole, a drunk ,A fool ,I am whatever you choose to label me
but I am always a hundred percent real .

Those who preach those who try to pretend they would point you in the right direction are full of pure crap .
I cant lead me so fuck off if you think I could even begin to help you.

My road has taken me so far from everything I once thought I held dear.
Twisted my logic and weather beaten my soul.
Maybe I'm fucked up from life but no worse than the image that stares at you in the mirror you refuse to truly see so you place the labels on others .

Whatever make 's you feel less of a freak sweetheart is fine by me.

I  found that it's always uphill when you don't settle for what's there.
I never did listen worth a fuck and I dam sure wont buy into someone else's bullshit I would rather be a fool to my own guidance.

Take this as you will.



I have existed a liar so pardon my bitter sweet intrusion this note of passing shall be a forward of my forgotten voice now a eco within a long since empty hall.

To lead takes no true direction just a gimmick and I have grown tired of the restraints that now scar my words.
They all want something far more than I will ever give.

May I shed light on my breakdown if you will reveal me your skeletons before you judge me for my own.
I hate the page for it is a twisted lover and cruel bitch when your in need.

Take comfort in the madness sundown will break us all to soon.
Time is a burden I have nothing more to prove yet everything to gain.
To toss aside the fruit others yearn to taste is the truest form of rebellion.
Or maybe just another fools act and I have know many in my time.

What started a hobby now is my vice poured regrets goes well with the taste of not giving a fuck to begin with.
Curse my actions for you can never bury my words.

A simple epitaph could never convey the rage that is far to misunderstood .

I believe  I will leave you with a mystery for some riddles were not worth the time to solve I ask will mine weigh heavy as a long regret?

I right in the shadows for in there darkness I understand not all but the ultimate critic myself.

Last call is here.

#thoughts   #my   #just  
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