The lighter's a trigger,
I load my gun
& swallow the bullets
straight into my lungs

With every drag
& hit I take,
my thoughtless mind
will come awake

No more mother's coming
or more of daddy crying
Just coughing & heaving
& careless flying

I guess it's living,
I guess I'm dying,
& if I'm not,
I'm surely trying

Extraordinary is what I'd call her,
Lets no one stand in her way
I'd call her stronger than she looks,
Zig zags in & out of being misunderstood
A military man has stole her heart
Betting for a marriage proposal one day,
Even children, a big house, & a dog or two
The end is no where near for their young love
He's the one, she knows this, even I do

No words will ever bring her down,
I'll be there for her until our dying day
College will not separate our friendship, &
He'll meet me one day at the alter
Oh, I'll be the one holding her bouquet,
Letting the priest say his piece,
Explaining, "You may kiss the bride"

Breaking their kiss will be the sound of the *****,
Roaring to life as they exit the church
One is what they'll be together, holding hands,
With their family & friends standing & smiling
No one will be sad, he's the one, she knows it, even I do
I'll admire their love story because I'll remember
Never hearing her say a word that didn't involve him
Going in their ride with a ribbon & generic letters reading,

"Happily Married"

What does forever mean to you?
When you couldn't even keep it true.
You said you'd forever be there,
but were those just words from thin air?
Did you actually love me?
Did you really see the feelings I see?
The truth, the love, the loyal tears,
the betrayal, the hate, the fears.
I thought you felt the same,
that you would cover me in the rain.
I thought forever & always was forever,
but now there's not an us, not ever.
You said you'd always be there for me,
but now I truly see.
That you never saw the feelings in my soul,
now you've pierced my heart with a hole.
But my heart will heal,
now I have friends that are real.
& You're gone out of my life,
unable to pierce me with the heartbreaking knives.
I thought forever was forever, not just a word,
but I guess that's not what I heard...

I excused myself to the bathroom which was shared with laundry
& I remember the door not closing all the way
because of the door **** missing & something in the way
Once I was finished with my business, the door flew open
I would have been startled had I not been drunk off my ***
It was him & he was smiling & I didn't like, but I did
He pushed me against the washing machine & drier duo,
& all thoughts left my mind along with the clothes on my body
It happened so fast & I didn't like it, but I did
He kissed me with such force, my lip got stuck in his braces
& I had to awkwardly explain to my mother about the bruise
I may have been drunk, but I knew what was happening,
but the only thoughts on my mind was about how
much **** I had to do tomorrow, I was so bored & unsatisfied
He wanted more after what he got & I promised I would
even though he had zero game & very poor aim
He lead me back to the couch & he fell asleep
with his head dug in my shoulder, arm around my chest,
hand between my thighs, & heavy snores in my ear
But I wasn't going to sleep, never planned on it in fact
I slid out of his grasp & quietly slid into my shoes by the door
I couldn't find my pants or my bra, but it didn't matter
I gathered all of my things & stepped out of that college party,
my almost completely exposed body meeting the cold winter
I got in my car & drove myself home at 5:30 in the morning
with the smell of bud light, ***, but almost no regret in the air
I climbed in through my window, not wanting to wake
up my parents or brother for arriving home so early
I slid into bed & pulled the covers over my poorly dressed frame
before deleting my one night stand off of my snapchat history
& falling asleep...

I'm tired of dreaming,
I'm through with trying
Tired of living,
yet scared of dying
Maybe things are good for you,
but look at all that I've been through
Look at all the pain I've won,
I bet you think that it's been fun
You never thought I'd turn away,
you never believed you'd see this day
Look again, cause here I go,
leaving behind all that I know
Changing it all as I must do,
not daring to stop & think things through
Wanting to run as fast as I can,
not stopping until I understand
Like why did I let things get this way?
Why didn't I leave, like, yesterday?
How are things going to be,
when there is no more you & me?

Born a self hatin' little girl
with a soul so pure
Beautiful & smart--
so young, yet mature
Talented with words,
but the world doesn't see
That this is the only way
that I know how to be me
Broken & beaten by this
world that I despise
I've learned to block it all out,
I no longer open my eyes
They've been permanently shut,
so now I live through what I feel
I'll be great one day,
that's what I tell myself
I'll be great one day
without any of their help
I'll be great one day
& then they'll see
I'll be great one day--
& good enough for me

I love the way you smile,
I love the way you smell,
I love the way you look at me,
but only time will tell

I love the way you think,
I love the way you look,
I love the way you feel

I don't love what you did to me,
my heart is what you took

I hate the way you used me,
I hate the way you played,
I hate the way I trusted you,
but then I was betrayed

But still, I'd love to have you back,
& lie in your arms again,
but for now, I talk to someone new,
& keep you out of my life entirely

The first time I saw her,
everything in my head went quiet
All the ticks, all the constantly refreshing images
just disappeared
When you have obsessive compulsive disorder,
you don't really get quiet moments

Even in bed, I'm thinking:
Did I lock the doors? Yes
Did I wash my hands? Yes
Did I lock the doors? Yes
Did I wash my hands? Yes

But when I saw her,
the only thing I could think about
was the hair pin curve of her lips,
or the eyelash on her cheek—
the eyelash on her cheek—
the eyelash on her cheek

I knew I had to talk to her

I asked her out six times in thirty seconds
She said yes after the third one,
but none of them felt right,
so I had to keep going

On our first date, I spend more time organizing
my meal by color than I did eating,
or ******* talking to her,
but she loved it...

She loved that I had to kiss her goodbye
sixteen times or twenty-four times
if it was Wednesday
She loved that it took me forever to walk home
because there are lots of cracks on our sidewalk

When we moved in together, she said she felt safe,
like no one would ever rob us
because I definitely locked the door eighteen times

I'd always watch her mouth when she talked—
when she talked—
when she talked—
when she talked

When she said she loved me,
her mouth would curl up at the edges
At night, she'd lay in bed & watch me turn all the lights off,
& on, & off, & on, & off, & on, & off, & on, & off, & on, & off
She'd close her eyes & imagine
that the days & nights were passing in front of her

Some mornings, I'd start kissing her goodbye,
but she'd just leave because I was making her late for work
When I stopped in a crack in the sidewalk,
she just kept walking
When she said she loved me,
her mouth was a straight line

She told me I was taking up too much of her time

Last week, she started sleeping at her mother's place
She told me that she shouldn't have let me
get so attached to her,
that this whole thing was a mistake but...

How can it be a mistake that I don't have
to wash my hands after I touch her?

Love is not a mistake,
& it's killing me that she can run away from this,
& I just can't
I can't go out & find someone new
because I always think of her

Usually, when I obsess over things,
I see germs sneaking into my skin,
I see myself crushed by an endless succession of cars,
& she was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on
I want to wake up every morning
thinking about the way she holds her steering wheel,
how she turns shower knobs like she's opening a safe,
how she blows out candles—
blows out candles—
blows out candles—
blows out candles—
blows out...

Now, I just think about who else is kissing her
I can't breathe because he only kisses her one,
he doesn't care if it's perfect!

I want her back so bad...

I leave the door unlocked
I leave the lights on

Let me know that I've done wrong,
when I've known this all along
I go around a time or two,
just to waste my time with you
Tell me all that you've thrown away,
find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my ***** little secret
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
My ***** little secret,

Who has to know?

When we live such fragile lives,
it's the best way we survive
I go around a time or two,
just to waste my time with you

Who has to know?

The way she feels inside,
those thoughts I can't deny
These sleeping thoughts won't lie,
& all I've tried to hide,
it's eating me apart,
trace this life out

I'll keep you my ***** little secret

Depression
is
not
just
sadness.
Its
an
emotion
of
lonely
&
inner
madness.

Ronnie told me to write a poem
but I am very intoxicated.
So.
This is my poem.
You're welcome Ronnie.
You are welcome.

Little worries cause my mind to race,
And I can only wonder how you're doing
No one knows how much I miss you,
Don't speak, don't tell, my secret is untold
Only remembering past memories, they're beautiful
No new memories or mistakes to share with you

My mistake was ever taking you for granted,
A mistake that blew up quickly in my face
Drama is not my strong suit, so I ran away
I regret what I said to you & did, & I'd take it back
Sorry doesn't begin to express my feelings on the matter
Oh, I only want to talk to you & be friends again,
Not that it matters anymore

True friendship is like a rose,
we don't realize its beauty
*until it fades...

I'm so incredibly jealous of
anyone who speaks to you

I shouldn't be here, I thought to myself
as soon as I stepped foot into that college party
But since they invited a high schooler, I thought,
who am I to turn down free ***** & a good time
I was greeted with a ping pong ball & a partner
& we found ourselves winning game after game
Someone got me a beer & a shot of fireball whiskey,
which were followed almost instantly by three more
I wanted the escape & I knew alcohol would  help,
help with getting me there faster & not having to worry
He was dancing with his friends before I noticed,
he was dancing over into my direction with another shot
It was bright blue & tasted like a sheet of rusty metal,
but I downed another & found myself dancing to the beat
of the music that I would never listen to sober
because rap music has absolutely no meaning to me
Everyone was sweating & dancing against one another,
& the only person I knew when I got there was Jordan,
but he was no where to be seen, only strangers now
But were they really strangers anymore? They knew me
Maybe as that drunk high schooler, but they'll remember
me tomorrow when talking about how fun their night was
& what I thought was coming to an end, was only the beginning

Remember when we
were best friends
& we called on each
other when in need
& we would sit right
next to each other
in every class that
we could because
that's how close we
we were to one another
& everyone asked
if we were dating
because it's apparently
not normal for a boy
& a girl to be just friends
But that was the case,
wasn't it?
That was why our
friendship ended
so abrubtly,
so suddenly,
so out of the blue
Maybe not
You found out I
didn't like you back,
so you did the
number one thing
you do best
You ran away,
you left me,
you abandoned
everything we had
because I like him
& not you
So I'm very sorry
that I don't love you,
but I am not at fault here
*You are

You never turn the lights off
When we get ready for bed
You play the sounds of the rain
As loudly as you can
It helps you sleep,
So I shouldn’t complain
Cause at least now I don’t
Have to worry about what I say
You can smoke without me,
But if I do, it’s like I’m cheating
You can have a good time,
But would **** me for breathing
You make me feel little,
& you make me feel dumb
When I state my opinion,
It’s the wrong one
Everything I say is another battle
Of you being angry
& me just being sad
This poem has no ******* rhythm,
Cause I can’t see my screen
I’m too busy crying at
What you said to me
I’ve typed out a hundred
Different honest replies,
But backspace them all,
Too scared, I’d rather lie
I know I deserve better,
But you always play victim
I just want to be happy,
But I’ve lost all my freedom

Would you care if we quit talking?
Would you care if I went walking?
I need to know how you feel,
so I that I know how to deal.
I like it when you're by my side,
I hate it when you try to hide.
All the cheating & the lies,
brings me one step closer to saying goodbye.
I know the cheating is a fact
because I've caught you in the act.
I wish I had more trust in you,
but it's hard since I busted you.
Seems to me you wouldn't care,
even if I wasn't there.
I always wonder who you're with,
hoping it's not another chick.
I'm not saying I don't believe you,
it's just too many people want me to leave you.
But you are everything to me,
which is why I want us to always be.
Believing you may be a mistake,
but it's a risk I'm willing to take.
I really love you, always know I do,
& remember there will always be a me & you.

So remember me through the dirt & the weather,
I'll always be just a little bit better
than that other girl that you call your own
You promised me more & then left me alone
Now don't get me wrong, I still love you,
but that don't mean that I want to
So I'll move on, it's the thing to do
You moved on, but that's not new

You're just a ******, you always will be
Get what you want, but not from me

Cause that's the past & this is the now
I'm done fooling around, I'm done falling down
You threw away perfection,
but frankly I don't mind
Cause that's just your opinion,
& I won't be your second option

The truth I hold, took years to unfold,
locked up & never told
Now I speak, for I am done being weak
about the man I said was a one night stand
'Cause I wrapped a cast around my damaged heart
& signed it, "I wasn't *****"

It's strange how a few short seconds
Can lead you in a whole new direction
It alters how you think & act,
& see your own reflection
From a single moment on,
My life was forever changed
Like everything I previously knew,
Had suddenly been rearranged
I can go to psychiatrists
& spill out all my thoughts,
They can prescribe me pills
& say that I've been taught

But I still think about that night,
When I couldn't find the light
In the bathroom so I peed in the dark
Cause I was too drunk to figure out a light switch
Little light shined through the cracked door
Cause of a pair of boxer shorts on the floor,
But I still heard the creaking of the door
As someone behind it pushed it forward

I pulled my jeans up & flushed my bladder,
My foggy eyes looked up, his mouth watered
I reached for the door, but his hands wandered
For my waistline until he pushed me against the washer
His other hand slid up my shirt
& I thought I had stopped breathing
I pushed my hands against his chest,
& his mouth crashed against mine too fast
My mouth started bleeding as I pulled
My lip from the metal braces of his lower teeth,
Tears stained my cheeks before his fun was over
His strong hand forced my head below his zipper,
As the other ripped the button free

I envy that button

Another day of life by the drop,
I pray to the lord, help me stop
I awake in pain, feeling shame
knowing soon again, I'll play the game
For the brief second with myself,
before I walk over to that shelf
I stop & think of all the things I do,
& the people I hurt while drinking *****
I grip the bottle o' so tight,
I won't let go until the night
All these thoughts rush through my head,
loves & pride & things I once said
I know it's from the former me,
the one that can no longer be
It hits me hard, I cannot cope,
so drunk until I start to choke
Day to day, I live like this
High to high & kiss to kiss
I hope one day, the drunk will let me out
& never again will I drink & shout
Until that time, I'll drown & hate
I just hope that's not my final fate

I do not understand how
you got your master's degree

"Tell me a lie,"* she said.
"I love you," he said.