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Alex Apr 2018
i think
i've preached a great deal about setting yourself free
and going for your dreams

but, ****

i may actually be
left behind by everyone else
i've definitely used up all of my
excuses
Alex Apr 2018
there were once scars on these wrists,
spaces even, waiting for other scars to align the existing ones.

and then they were gone.
washed over the wave of being an adult and a cloud of illusion willing ones self to be alright..."alright".

there were no scars on my wrist
or my thighs
or my ribs
but it still felt like there was a rip tearing apart my mind,
no matter how clean my vessel was my soul was still in a war.
Alex Nov 2017
Principium

I thought I’ve already made enough mistakes to last a lifetime, but as it turns out he was only the beginning.
I know. I know I should’ve listened. For someone who claims to be so self-aware, I stumbled onto him like a new born in a world of monsters.
A monster ready to pounce. Ready to control. Quick to eye someone they know is easily vulnerable.
I knew, from the start, this love was not going to work. Wasn’t supposed to.
And I knew, from the start, his I love you’s were lies uttered only by the fleeting feeling that he had to have someone to catch him and make him feel worthy while the other crumbles.
But I believed them anyway.
___
Contrariorum

And suddenly, I was a kid again.
You had so many plans, and I got swept along with it. I remember being so glad. Because for the first time, someone saw me as having a place in their future.
You were the first person to talk to me about the possibility of marriage. And I remember thinking, Oh god I’m only twenty but, actually even when I’m thirty I still don’t want to.
Turns out I also said that out loud. You shrugged and said we’d talk about it some other time.
But then you decided to let go because my storms became too much for you to bear. I never did blame you. I was just surprised you gave up that easy.
You said that you almost loved me.
What did you expect me to say to that?
___
Quid tibi accessit?

I was so sure of you.
I gushed about you so hard to my friends, so proud and so sure that this wouldn’t happen.
I believed everything. Every little thing. Until now nothing is quite clear, except for the fact that you found it appropriate to be selfish.
I never want to regret any of my loves.
But you’re close to disappointing.
_____
Domus Meus

This will be the first one I will write for you, and if you stay, it won’t be the last.

I’ve fallen so many times for people who only accepted my love. I give and give and give, never learning when to stop. Because I’m stupid like that.
I always say that love is ****. Relationships are messy. And love is not until death.
But dear, you are the only person I’ll ever admit this to, I crave love.
I crave for the deep love people seem to always experience in movies. Love written by poets through the years, the same feeling I’m trying to capture with the things I make. Love in Art. Love that is enough. Love that will tread the storm and come out of the other end stronger. Love that is realistic but will never give up. Love that will choose you, even during the days when you’re not so sure anymore.
We had to meet at a time when both of us were broken. We still are, on some level. But we’re trying.
There are days where I am afraid. Days when I don’t think I’m worthy. We were proved to be made from star dust, you know? There are galaxies inside of us. Of you.
I look at you and I see all the amazing things that have happened, and will happen, because of the greatness you have in you.
I’m thankful you’ve allowed me to be a part of it, even for now.
I don’t know how this story is going to go. I don’t know how this book will end. But you are the first chapter of what I think will be my greatest love, yet.
Love, I’m scared shitless. But they always told me that I had to be brave to face the things that will be worth it in the end.
And you are worth it.
Alex Aug 2017
when you feel an episode coming, shut down. shut down from everyone. deactivate your facebook. don't talk to anyone for days. keep on staring at that wall like it will magically give you answers.shut down until you feel the void inside of you lessen its intensity. until you calm down.

2. drink until all you can feel is the food that's coming up your throat waiting to be vomited at any nearby gutter.

3. stay clean. and then relapse a couple of months later.

4. tell everyone who will listen about how you "feel" stuck but in reality you just can't do anything about your current situation, therefore making you stuck.

5. doubt everyone who even tries to show the tiniest hint of their ability to be able to love you.

6. drill into your head and accept that you are not easy to love. and that you can't demand for it.

7. if you really want to survive, ignore all of this. these are the things that we do when we feel alone. when we feel that no really can love us. but they do. and they can. and they're out there.
Alex Aug 2017
I know a man, lovely in his touch
he looks at the world with softness,
as if everything only has a second to be there.
he touches like he's afraid,
that everything will melt and eventually disappear.

I know a man and his smile blinds me,
but i'd choose to be blinded for the rest of my life
if it means that i could feel his warmth,
soft as it touches my body,
soft as it settles there.

I know a man who was so sure of me,
and it brought me to tears,
I wasn't even sure of myself
but his declaration felt like a punch to the gut
and a push to reality.

I love a good man and my heart has never been this full,
overflowing with what feels like
the petals of flowers and the buzzing of bees,
all too good. all too perfect.
the number series is a collection of poems I made for someone
Alex Aug 2017
5
There is a heavy weight
In the center of my soul

It never leaves,
Only feels light from time to time.
When it becomes too heavy,
I drown in an ocean of darkness
I’m all too familiar with but never got used to.
Never something that felt comfortable.

I’m afraid that if I let you tread the dark with me,
You’ll come out the other end with too much of my baggage
Hanging off of you

— The End —