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archives Jun 2015
i can't begin to understand why you do what you do or say the things you say but you weren't meant to be understandable; you're not mine to figure out and that frustrates me. not that you're not mine but that someone else has the pleasure of knowing you in a way that i couldn't.
archives Apr 2016
i wore black today
not because i was in the mood
or because it was laundry day
but because
it was the day that i lost you
and somehow that comforts me
that when you blink
for the last time
i'd already know
what loss feels like
so maybe it won't
hurt as much
because distance is an excuse
but grief is all the same
archives Nov 2016
forgive those who wrong you
          especially yourself
archives Oct 2016
she liked listening to records
because they reminded her
that old things are still good
but she hasn't played one since
she last saw you
archives Feb 2016
the birds will eat
have a place to sleep
water to wash
their feet
yet, i've stood up
one too many nights
contemplating what makes them
any better than
me
i've flown to the highest branch
over every green pasture
counting every flower
that i keep

the grass is withering
and so am i
archives Jun 2016
you paint over your freckles
that you used to like
before everyone else decided
you didn't
archives Aug 2015
to eighteen years,
first times and lasts
crushes on boys that never liked back
friendships and heartbreak
growing up too fast
places and faces
scents and  laughs
lessons learned, second chances
scraped knees and full hearts
new books, different chapters
old songs, favorite parts

to new beginnings,
mistakes and coffee stained chats
long drives, adventures
let's cheer to that

here's
to eighteen years
young or old
to not merely exist
but to live
what life unfolds.
archives May 2017
i am more
more than an opened text
compared to your ex
leftover flowers
stepped on to impress
my heart
flourishes without your care
my plants will still grow
when you're not there
to watch over
i should've the **** was
still growing but i kept it
and hid it out of the knowing
of the damage it's caused
instead of cutting it
from my roots
because i wanted it to
blossom
some petals are withered
but i will keep growing
without you
archives Jun 2015
i was
a prisoner
caged in my own mind
dragged down by the chains
in my words
throwing myself at a world
that didn't take me in
you set me
free
and i still wore those shackles
around my feet
like my favorite pair of shoes
but
your grace kept me
my debt
was paid
i am no longer defined
by my shame
my insecurities can't pull me
down
keep me above the waves
that crash around me
i'll keep calling
your name
archives Jun 2016
as i scroll through sentimental facebook posts, i couldn't help but write this note. for the father days i didn't call, to your birthday's sung without me. you might've not shown me how to change a tire, but you taught me how to ride a bicycle. i wish you could've been there when i got into my first car accident; the brakes didn't really work the same way as that pink bike. milestones missed by 1,000 miles but each one had you in mind. i waited every time knowing nothing had changed. my 7 year old self is tired of leaving you to blame. thank you for helping me find the love of my Heavenly Father; in him i know i am a beloved daughter.

happy father's day,
i forgive you.
archives May 2017
i used to think
i was special
because i thought
i was the flower you picked
until i realized
you were watering the entire garden
archives Nov 2015
eve-ry syllable
that comes out of your pretty mouth
makes me uneasy
daggers covered in roses
but the thorns won't heal my wounds
how can the same person  
say something
that can make you feel  like
for once
you're going to be more
than "okay"
but can tear you apart like
the page in your journal
you tried to forget
your lungs are meant to give you life
but they're surely taking away mine
archives Sep 2017
i was not a half
before you
i am not a half
with(out) you
you may have added
extra pieces
but you don't leave
a space in my heart
because it is already whole
i don't need a void
to be filled
like the moon
i come in phases and fractions
but the stars always shined brighter
when the moon was full
archives Dec 2015
maybe if you didn't
walk with your head hung so low
fixed on the feet of people you know
leaving as if you had somewhere to go
wrapping your arms
around your chest
constantly worrying
if your skin shows
they would-

look at you the way
they look at them
if you would try
include you in
their exclusive lives
if you would try

maybe i
walk with my head so low
because i'm carrying their burdens
on my back
gazing at the ground
because my eyes are tired
of looking for faults
in myself
running
from the silence
in between sentences
that i tried to fill
with my appearance
i will-

leave my nest bed head
the way i had it
when i woke
be heard
without shouting words
that i spoke
love my body
the way it was made
all curves and marks
that wrap around my waist
unapologetically carry the bags
under the eyes
on my face
i will-

continue to speak love
from my unfilled chapped lips
i'm not trying

i'm living.
archives Nov 2016
your body is a garden
and your mind needs water
for your roots to go
but not giving them time
to rest
is like cutting them off while
you water them
self-love isn't bending
till your stem breaks
or hurting yourself
to cover others from the sun
it's embracing the rain
things you can't change
letting go of the waste
that's stopping you from
growing
bloom at your own pace
because the seeds
that stay in the storm
can grow in any place
archives Jul 2015
if you asked me five years ago if i would ask you why if i had the chance to, i would tell you yes in a heartbeat without a beating in my heart. your pedestal has sat so high that it has taken my lifetime to knock it down- but it's hurt the builder more than the royal sitting on the throne. i never wanted anything from you except your time and if that's wrong then i'm sorry that i bothered; but for loving you i won't apologize for.
if you asked me a month ago if i would ask you why if i had the chance to,
i'd leave my answer as empty as the way you left me.
archives Nov 2015
how can a hollow heart
feel so
heavy
rusted bones
in dusty spaces
between ribcages
that's where you
used to be
i don't know
who lives there anymore
the walls are empty
from the borrower
who didn't try
to knock them
down
but
stole all the frames
that hung
in my scars
instead
the pit of my stomach
was engraved
with your name
like a welcome home sign
so won't you
unpack those bags
under your tired eyes
and
stay
archives Jan 2016
loseen the grip
that's in your finger tips
wrapped around your neck

for it can not take back
the words
you never said
in your head

loosen the tape
that binds
around your irregular waist

for it won't mold your shape
deep enough
to change the state
of your breaking heart

loosen the chains
that have been broken
from your ankles
instead of holding them
in place
with your unforgiving hands

loosen me

until i am free enough
to fall at your feet
archives Aug 2015
what if i don't want to be a wildflower
or a rose waiting to be plucked
dying for your entertainment
with broken stems
and withered petals
telling fates, "loves me not"
but to be able to grow
in the muddiest of waters
without the sunshine
staying afloat
when the waters get too rough
i don't want to be
the prettiest flower in the garden
just because
you picked me

i want to grow on my own.
archives Oct 2016
if someone slaps you
turn the other cheek
they say
but there are mountains
inside me
that will move
without shaking
everything in its path
i am but a quiet thunder
soft enough to demand space
but strong enough to
let it pass
archives Jul 2015
you told me to give you my heart and all i had was a bouquet of flowers but i guess sunflowers were never your favorite.
archives Oct 2016
i'll keep buying books
instead of reading the one
on my bedside
because maybe
if i keep reading
i'll find the answers
to why
you left
archives Jun 2015
they say broken things are beautiful
well dear, i'm the prettiest thing
you've seen
with crooked edges
flawed imperfections
shattered pieces of you
reflecting in pieces
of me
but i can't be put together
like your old dollhouse
i'm not your doll
sewing my scars
for others not to see
i don't need to be fixed
"broken things are beautiful"
archives Aug 2015
tired eyes, sapping me dry
"to give, to take"
but all you do is
take, take, take
he told me,
"honey, you're far too young to feel this way"
i told him i was born a little late
an old soul
living life with
eyes closed
archives Apr 2016
just because you haven't fully bloomed
doesn't mean you're not worthy
of being picked

-a.e
archives Oct 2015
why was it so easy for you to let go?
you break apart the hearts
that adore you, dear
covering your sleeves
from what's underneath
on the run and go
from your fears that
keep you awake at night
only running from yourself
but you'll keep cutting corners,
even if it's hurting someone else.

if that's what "love" is,
i hope i never know.
archives Nov 2015
i think
i've forgotten how to swim
but i'd rather drown
than reach for your hand
don't let me
pull
you
d
o
w
n
i've dug a hole
too deep
to climb out
save your ropes

it's a nice view from down here
archives Jul 2015
rejection is such a common fear in our society. we prepare ourselves for the worst and hope for the best only to learn that sometimes the best times are found in those worst of times. we've grown up in this world that teaches us that it's better to leave words unspoken and risks not taken than to reach for our dreams. they seem as attainable as the stars but my creator is the maker of those very stars. i am not accepted by this world and that's okay because maybe i just don't want to live an "exceptional" life. i am accepted by the only one who is acceptable and that's something i can accept.
archives Jun 2015
one thing that i've learned about time
is that it doesn't slow down
for me, for you, for them
the days are flying by
like a car
swerving past me on the road
dancing around
the brink of life
the brink of death
and i'm trying to catch
my breath
people are coming and leaving
as i blink my eyes
and i can't make them
stay
time scares me
it's demanding
and i'm not ready
to take orders
it gets better in time,
it gets worse in time
i'll get better in time,
i'll get worse
in time.
archives Nov 2016
i'm full to the brim
of insecurity
from the words
that you fed me
tip me over
i'll spill
it might burn
but i'm left half empty
pour me out
of the lie
that i need you
to be full

i may be a teacup running low
but i am whole
archives Jul 2015
thinking about you is like glimpsing through my old photo albums and realizing that you were looking at her this whole time; dancing to the songs i showed you, playing you back in my head like a record but the player broke and now all i have are these unsaid goodbyes and hellos. knots and ties in my stomach by a boy scout for a badge.
well now you're just another album  taking up space.
archives Jul 2015
if home is where the heart is, i guess you're homeless.
archives Mar 2016
nights rang with slamming doors
days half empty
like her creaking king sized bed
mirror reflected regret
poured down the sink
along with her budded cigarettes
the memories
she tried to forget
building bridges
that were burned for twenty years
with her matches
that he gave her
slept-in cars
driven over
the crossing line
of arguments that reoccurred

mornings rang with silence
air filled with tension
thick enough to start a forest fire
if the lighter fluid's out
put the cigarette to your mouth
it'll burn more than
your love ever did
archives Feb 2017
how foolish are we
to think we've written
all of the words felt or sung
living between
the stage of life and death
through poems on pages
written battles lost and won

if you write
the more you live
i intend to write novels
but my words
won't always be
enough
to fill the paper lines
you try to read
in between
my bleeding pen
will run out
but i will not
archives Aug 2015
like taking a breath of fresh air
into my lungs
when i've been
holding my breath
for so long
and trying to ride my bike
for the first time
endlessly falling
and getting up
again
or that feeling i get
when i'm too tired
but i don't want to fall asleep
hearing my favorite
old song
when it comes on the radio
what i see
when the leaves
change color  
the smell of rain

home.

— The End —