I want my love to swallow him

I want my love to be all he wants to think of and all he wants to know

I want him to think of me
To love me when the sun goes
I want him to be blind with only me in his eyes

I want him to think of me when he’s lying in bed
Every waking thought should be of me

Unless he were to be dead

I want to be a river, one with no end

When the days turn into waves I want to be the one he saves

I want to be a tsunami
A force needing to be seen

When the calm arrives and the storm leaves I want to be the sea
I have a thirsting need to be seen
To be remembered and obsessed

When the time comes to leave I go without a mess
He will be fuming 

I will leave him as a bird without a nest

For he is the one that needs me

But I don’t need him

I want to go home but I’ve never really had one 

Home has always been a wasted place full of lies and burdens, talking yet never listening 

When the time comes to leave I’ll only remember how I placed home in a body that couldn’t love the preciousness In a goodbye, the awakening in a hello

When my problems become unbearable I tend to make myself out to be the righteous one, the innocent one

I didn’t want to kiss him, didn’t want to do anything with him yet I still took those steps

The alcohol helped but the clarity through the haziness should’ve halted me 

The process begins with an internal emotional breakdown, mind goes numb, fingers tingle and the heart races 

Thoughts point to “it’s already ****** so why not **** it up more?”

I just want it to hurt, feel the pain I deserve for what I’ve done 

Pleasure doesn’t phase me anymore 

My mind is so delusional these days that I can’t tell what is wrong or right, if I’m making up the issues in my head. Subconsciously Exaggerating them for my personal advantage 

Which is why I always go back 
Back to the lies, lack of love, hardness, tight grips and hateful kisses 

Does he find weak minded girls because he knows they’ll never have the strength to leave? 

Stuck thinking this is love, rough and hatefully passionate but never soft 

Take me, take everything I have, mind and body, do whatever you want to it 

Because I’ve been taught love is giving, giving everything you have until you have nothing 

Take my dignity and pleasure

Leave me with bruises, shame and a numbness that courses through my every cell 

it means he cares

The messier we got the messier my room got. I always say your room is a reflection of your mind.
  Clothes piled on top of each other, doubling just like our problems.
  I couldn't bring myself to clean it all up.

I keep the door unlocked every night incase you ever decide to come back 
      
  Strangers have only entered, i had tea with a burglar once and he told me love wouldn’t come home if it already found a new one
  After he left i locked the door and told myself Love would have to knock from now on

i dreamt of you the other night and i cant say i've felt the same since
why were the bumble bees on the appalachian trail so furry and friendly? Maybe it was the fresh mountain air that turned them into fuzzy mutants. I swear i could feel them softly whispering calming pleasantries into my ear, like stop worrying you're going to fall off this mountain silly girl, that wont be the way you die.
a white spotted greyhound tagged behind our group on the trail for a solid thirty minutes, my heart ached for the loneliness and hopelessness it must've been feeling, depression cant only be limited to humans? i thought about that dog obsessively for a week straight while everyone else shooed it off easily. No living thing wants to die alone and that dog reminded me of that paralyzing fear i inhabit.
bare feet padded down the beaten dirt path, walking sticks and grime galore. smiles graced their content dirt streaked faces. this must be an early preview of what my heaven will appear as.
cows were dotted everywhere, in another life i hope to be apart of a cow herd on a mountain filled with dandelions. they aren't weak, they are assertive and docile, only a ***** if you mess with them.
i wish words could fathom the beauty in the orange that sunrise contained. rustling sleeping bags and soft sighs of sleep enveloped the tent in a hazy glow, chilled faces turned rouge from the bittersweet breeze. this moment awakened my resonating need for individuality, the feeling of standing alone amongst others who seem to be enduring each day in a sleepy zombie like state. Only surviving for the moment they can finally collapse into their homely, bundled sheets. I'm afraid of being like them.
where did i leave off on you, something about a dream?

I will wear you until the threads begin twiddling into former ghosts of themselves.

The last wooly remnants still slightly smell like your woodsy scent and that’s why I don’t go camping anymore.

It’s not because I hate the thought of you but I’ve Always hated kicking someone down when they’re just beginning to get back up and the thought of you does that to me.

The memory of that truck doused in flames on the way to Washington remains in my overworked brain still. The smell of burnt, charcoaled tires and metal prominent in the chilly December air. I never feared fire until I put myself in the shoes of that lonesome truck driver and that was the night I wanted to try dying a little as an attempt to get closer to you.

You see it’s not death that paralyzes my emotions and sends me into a numb, fearful state. The thought of regrets and things left unsaid with people, that didn’t understand what I was going through at the time is what gets my anxiety pumping.
Oh, why do I wear this sweater despite the warmth outside? To thaw the frost surrounding my heart

Everyday that goes by, his heart gets a little weaker. we used to joke that he didnt have one, now he actually wont.
                                                           ­               

  his voice used to resonate through the house, rattling the walls and slamming the doors. we used to joke that we’d be better off if he’d run out of breath, now he actually does.

  some days i try not to breath so i can feel what he feels when hes gasping for air. fear clogs my throat and blocks my vision. im not sure if its fear for him or for myself when hes gone.

  ive been spoiled since birth, never having to put anyone before myself growing up, always getting my way. now i know what i want most of all out of everything in my life but the only response i hear is the yelling and stomping of my tantrum attacks, god looking at me and saying see you cant always get what you want.

  In times of crisis i always retreat into myself, finding shelter in my thoughts and words. This time though, theres no solace in my mind, only panic and hopelessness making me want to escape. The voices get loud and they shout what if, what if, what if. A 50/50 chance isnt a lot to hang on to and everywhere i grasp my hand comes up empty. Trust isnt my strong point and i cant trust a possibility.

  Im afraid one day ill get a letter titled “mesages from beyond” and each one will say “you couldve done better”.

  Im looking for something like hope but every corner i turn is silent and dark. The quite used to relax me but now it surrounds me, all i can hear is the echo of my voice.

  The fort i built around myself is crumbling at a fast pace, all my gaurds betrayed me leaving me when i needed them most. winning this war looks unnattainable by myself, how do you win when the enemy can only be defeated when the person you want to save is deafeated too?

   The only letter i want to get is one saying “you did the best you could”.