I stare into the flames
and wonder what it would be like to burn,
to feel anything at all
except for this agonising numbness.
My eyes close slowly,
my breaths come slowly,
as if I could disappear for a while.
Take up so little space,
separate from the world for a minute
and make this feeling go away,
make these screaming thoughts stop
and allow me a moment of peace.

Hold my hand
Tight enough to hurt.
Dig your nails in
As hard as you can
To keep me grounded here.
I’m begging you not to let me go.
Just look at me like you might love me
And I’ll imagine the rest
Because that’s all I know.
Hold me close,
As tight as you can,
Tight enough so I can’t breathe.
Hold me there like you can keep me safe
And I’ll imagine that you care enough to try.
Take a step beside me
Then take a thousand more
Walk the world with me
A lifetime at my side
And don’t stop until I do

The moonlight falls onto my skin,
Silver and rippling
And I feel a semblance of peace.
I close my eyes
To let it all in
And let it all go.
My eyes glisten
With the reflection
Or tears perhaps.
I find I don’t care which.
Because peace is precious,
Peace and a certain kind of silence.
Not the lonely kind,
The suffocating kind.
Just the silence of calm.
I allow myself hope for a moment
That everything could be ok,
That I might be ok.

I am not a forgiving person
And you never should have asked
And every time I gave it to you
I told you to do it again
Except I begged you not to
You couldn’t seem to stop breaking my heart
No matter how hard you tried
At least I hope you were trying
Maybe you wanted to see how far you could go
Before I wouldn’t allow you back
And I let you do it
This is on me
Except I realise now it was all a lie
Every time I forgave you
It was me blaming myself
Telling myself it wasn’t your fault
And therefore you didn’t need my forgiveness
But I couldn’t forgive myself
I can’t forgive you for letting me die alone
I could never
And I will never forget how it felt
Every time I close my eyes
I suppose they say everybody dies alone
But it’s another thing to live it
You made me choose
I chose you over me
Your happiness over my life
And I chose wrong

If I hold my breath a moment
And let the silence seep in
I could quiet the madness
That seeks my destruction
And I’ll go oh so slowly
You won’t even notice what’s missing
As I slip away with madness
The cold holds my bones
And grips tight around my throat
I can’t even tell if it’s my salvation
Or my death it desires
And which I hope for now
As I shut my eyes
Allow a tear free
It freezes on my cheek
From the cold of my skin
The cold in my heart
Like ice I melt away so slowly
Or perhaps I’ll shatter
You’ll cut yourself on the pieces
And you’ll know how I felt

I had to burn it down
To ever feel it’s warmth
I had to watch it burn to know I’m free
To ever feel ok
I need to feel the smoke in my lungs
To breathe again
To know it’s finally over
And when the ash stains my skin
I will be sated
Only destruction will satisfy me now
Will pacify me now
And silence the rage that screams at me
Constantly
Telling me I need this
Revenge
Telling me to burn it all down
They say it’s best served cold
And I say let them burn

A smile tugs at my lips
Yet a tear falls from my eye
I cannot seem to find happiness
Without endlessly asking why
I had to suffer all I did
And why I suffer still
Have I lost the girl I used to be
Has all the pain broken my will
And changed me into someone else
Someone who’s not quite there
Who’s always a word away from darkness
Who can taste sadness in the air
And I stare into a mirror
And wonder what it is I’ve lost
Has the price of all this been to high
Can I still afford the cost
Is there enough strength left inside of me
To fight this hard each day
Or is this all just futility
My final useless attempt to stay
But I decided I had come to my end
And I felt it in my soul
And now that I have to live with that decision
I don’t believe I ever will be whole
So I take one step after another
And I clasp my hands into fists
I collect together all my remaining pieces
To have the courage to just exist