I was three years old standing barefoot on the screened in porch in the summer heat
you had a beer in your hand with condensation wetting your skin
I asked and you answered
My first sip of alcohol fascinated my three year old self
Bubbles

I was six and wearing a white dress walking next to a boy in a suit down a church aisle
Eyes fixated on the moment I would grow in my faith
First communion came with excitement to me
I tasted church wine for the first time
Genisis

I was twelve and at Christmas dinner with extended family
table set makeshift bar locked eyes with mine
You poured me a glass of red
a special occasion you said
Acceptance

I was fourteen then fifteen then sixteen
Every week a glass of wine with dinner
A beer in the summer
it complemented the steak
You taught me to drink at home to know my limits
To protect me from going crazy when I left home
Normality

I was eighteen and a two-time college dropout
The wine on the counter and a constant supply of liquor comforting
A stressful day ended with a numbing to my feelings
A glass away from silence in my head
and an easy night of sleep from being mixed with my medications
Routine

I was twenty when I realized a drink would turn into a few
and a few would turn into asleep on the floor
or vomiting and sitting in the shower for hours
I was twenty when I realized it took more to get me tipsy than it used to
that I needed to drink and when I did I wouldn't stop
because what was the point unless you were drunk
I was twenty when I started to jokingly call myself an alcholic
I was twenty when my friends dropped the joking part
I was twenty and tipsy and unable to legally drink and I had already become what everyone else in my family denied being

I blame you
the three year old with a fascination of forbidden things
the six year old who had an intrigue in the taste of communion wine
the twelve year old who accepted the drink from her grandfather's ***** breath every holiday dinner
the teenager who let herself drink at home in the presence of her parents who thought it would help prevent the inevitable
the eighteen year old who learned the hard way life was a much crueler teacher than school and accepted the easy access to numbness
I blame you for the twenty year old I have become

I've known these people less than 48 hours and already the knowledge they leave on monday is causing ants to stamp their feet into my chest
I should be happy that they are leaving
that they've progressed enough to not need constant supervision
but instead I am anxious
already fearing the change
I'll still be here
and though they owe me nothing
I feel abandoned, betrayed

These people know more about me than my parents
these people know more about me than my closest friends
I have a hard time opening up to people
I have difficulty trusting
seeing them go feels like heartbreak
I will be alone again

--while I love to be alone, I'm not very fond of being lonely

The withdrawal is nicotine induced but im the cigarette being stomped to the ground

And for years I dreamed of recognition
Of acceptance from my peers
But you showed me that I shouldnt worry about all the stars in the night sky
When I had the love of the full moon

It should have been easy
I shouldnt have had that unsettled feeling in my stomach when kissing you
And honestly I really don't
But the thought of anything else makes me uneasy
I'm attracted to you
I'm comfortable with you
So why can't I make myself go further?
I thought it was just that I hadnt found the right person
Or maybe we just hadn't been together long enough
Or that my religious upbringing caused me to have an avoidance to ***
Some psychological training in the back of my mind telling me I would be shunned from God
I never understood cheaters
How *** could be so tempting
How anyone could get addicted to it
How random hook-ups and one night stands were the norm in our world
I am out of place here
It's not like I dont want to have that connection
I just don't feel the drive
Then I thought it was my medication
But I realized long before the chemistry in my brain was artificial that I wasn't intrested in the ****** acts most people were
And to be honest even when I am in the act, I dont really have a drive
Never felt the need to ******
Always focused on satisfying the other partner
Because this was a relationship and it's what I'm supposed to give and I dont want to keep that from them
It causes strain in them
Causes a distance that I dont feel is there
For a long time I thought I was broken
Now I know for sure that I am
But I want you to feel secure,
So I'll fake it again and again
Let you do to me what I have no interest in
Maybe this time will be different.

His tongue felt too big for his mouth
A cotton plant growing in his throat, but he choked the words out around the dry leaves and the tears that threatened to fall and water it.
"I'm sorry too."

I'm old
Now I know what you're thinking
You're twenty
You're young
But the truth is
My bones groan and pop with every movement and my eyes haven't shown in this daunting world for quite some time
We grow up sooner now
Which is strange to think
Because I'm not 14 and married with 2 children
But we grow up sooner
Because this world we live in is harsh
Its cruel and they stopped giving us rose colored glasses at birth
I've been here before
I'm old I say
And you laugh with lines on your face telling of age
I guess I will never make you understand

I cried over take out mexican last night ashamed of my lack of friends
It never bothered me before
Probably because I never really took notice
But when you moved away it made me realize I had nobody
My family wouldn't even go out with me
Two friends
One I barely have the time to speak to anymore
And you, who moved hours away
I guess it's kinda funny that this of all things caused me to spiral down
Being alone is the worst kind of pain

I want to pack a bag, step outside, and walk
I don’t know where—I don’t have a destination,
Never have
I just want to walk and escape life for a little while
But I can’t do that
I have bills and jobs and people and animals depending on me
I was supposed to know who I was by this point
Instead my soul endlessly wanders without my body’s company
Reaching conclusions with flawed logic
And I know healing is not linear,
But all I’ve ever done is walk forward
and I’m still unsure of where I am and where to go from here

You told me once you read my poetry to check in on me
Does  reading it sting you the ways writing it burns me?
It's been months
I haven't spoken to you in over a year now
I moved planets for you
You used my friendship for yourself
I've discovered I'm easy to use

I've been cheated on now three different times by three different guys
The two people I considered my best friends never saw me the same way
I was convenient
A scapegoat

I have trust issues now
Codependency comes quickly to me
And I'm jealous watching the people I now talk to talk to others
It's selfish
And stupid
But this is the damage you gave me

I throw money at people and things so they won't leave me
I mirror behaviors scared if I'm too different I'll be abandoned once again
I want love so badly but I'm scared to fall again and not be able to get back up this time

If it was sunny outside, her eyes didn’t show it. The darkness in them was glazed over leaving every light that touched them turn to a dull void. It was as if her mind was a black hole and the opening in which it was seen was her eyes. None the less, they were beautiful. I had never noticed brown eyes to hold such beauty. I had always grown tired of mine- plain, boring, simple. Brown eyes didn’t have the many shades of blue I often found myself intoxicated with. Those elaborate patterns of greens, whites, gold, and silver hiding behind delicate lashes. Yet hers, they were so intricate. The depth at which they fell, the richness of the chocolate was like breathing for the first time. I guess I hadn’t realized how much I needed that air until I found myself drowning in her eyes. That is how I discovered love for the first time.
            She held my gaze only for a second. I guess it could have been an eternity. Time is a funny thing. It is always here, it is always gone, and it is always coming. In a way, there could be an eternity in a second. In one second life could change. I baby is born, a man has died, a new species is discovered as another goes extinct.  All I know is that in that one second, in that one, single eternity- life was changed for me.  I knew at the exact moment that I would never be the same. I had found the one person that could make my life feel meaning again, and in that moment it was taken away.
             I know that many people would tell me that I am being ridiculous. I know that they will tell me that there are so many other fish in the sea. But you see, I’m not looking for any fish- I’m looking for a clam. All I’m looking for is my simple clam, but there is the secret. When you open up a clam, there is the possibility of a gem. The most shining, pristine pearl could be waiting inside. All you have to do is find it.

  --An attempt at writing romance:
       From my high school years

It's rejection

And loss

The slow realization that everyone who meets me expects me to change


I find myself alone

Guarded

Knowing that every time I open up to someone

They eventually leave


And in losing everyone else

I'm slowly losing myself



--and my mind

It sent shivers through his body;
he sought warmth in the sharp tang of the whiskey
no matter how much he drank though, he was still cold--
the only burning in the back of his throat,
in his stomach,
as he tried to not *****.
strange too, was the burning of his hands, of his forehead;
ghosts of her soft touches from earlier in the day
they calmed him then
why weren’t they calming him now?

My favorite bruise belongs to you
A galaxy on my neck
The colors change like northern lights
And while I act differently I do not want
them to fade
I would tattoo my colors
Colors show the world I am taken
Colors show I am willing to give a part of
myself to something bigger
Colors make the world brighter
Northern lights turn even the darkest night
bright
My galaxy will fade
The small colonies created from broken
blood vessels will surely die out like a
plague
Black they called the last
How ironic the darkest color is always the
first to go

   --An ode to hickeys

I had so much to say I wrote it on paper, folded it in a square until I couldnt anymore, and sealed it in a bottle
When I dropped it in the ocean I thought nothing of it--
Thought nothing of who would answer or where it would end up
A part of me believing it would break and sink to be unanswered forever
Theses bottles
These messages
My secret.
I can tell you, the ocean, the river, the stream
I can whisper my words into your waters.
Hope comforting that they will evaporate in time
And rain down again
An answer in their downpour

She asked why I loved the rain
I didnt know what to say

I used to love apologies
When you’d admit your wrongness in lew of
my rightness my pride did somersaults
with my ego
I would spend hours admiring their
acrobats and my posture would reflect
their newly practiced muscles with ease
Your apologies were music to my ears
until the bow broke the string
Now the music isn’t right
The gentle hum of my ego doesn’t find
comfort in your shame anymore
I now beg you to stop the music
It has become a terrible scream
A high pitched ringing no one else can
hear but I swear it’s there and I’m not just
crazy or lacking potassium
I want to grab a needle and thread and
sew your mouth shut before you can ever
apologize again
You cannot control the weather
Don’t apologize when I say that I’m cold
You cannot control my sleeping habits
So don’t apologize when you hear how I
couldn’t sleep last night because I
was craving something but didn’t know what
it was and I couldn’t go to bed without it
Don’t apologies to me
When you say you’re sad please don’t
apologize
We are all sad sometimes
There is no shame in realizing our
happiness is only skin deep sometimes
When you say you don’t understand the
joke I just made please don’t apologize
I promise I will explain it to you differently
even if it loses its humor that way
I know you can’t control how your brain
deciphers the meaning of words
When you read my expressions wrong
please don’t apologize
It was my fault for not seeing your
hesitation and confusion and failing to
comfort your headspace with promises
that I’m not mad or upset
I promise it’s just my face and you
heard me the wrong way
That’s okay
I hear things wrong sometimes too
But please don’t apologize for being you.

          ---Autism is funny that way

The only steady thing in this world is the fire in yourself--
A burning, constanly flickering flame refusing against all odds to die out
You are here
You are burning

I guess I was surprised when I met him
he often asks me what I love about him
I always feel bad because I’m never able to tell him
I’m always at a loss for words
and that’s a scary thing for a writer
it’s a terrifying thing to be completely speechless--letting the silence stop thoughts in a chokehold
letting that blank piece of paper blind you from
writing with its whiteness
it’s a terrifying thing to not know what to say
normally it all comes so naturally to me,
I’m able to create worlds with words,
but when I look at him, my mind suddenly forgets
what an article is and what an adjective does
it’s a terrifying thing, truly
but it’s a beautiful thing to feel the silence
for once instead of the constant hurricane of ideas pounding
at my skull, and I have to wonder if this is how it must be for everyone else

It's been weeks since I've showered
the shower is clean here
ready for use
but bathing feels like a sign of progress and I'm not there yet
the shower here is unfamiliar
and cold
green plaster floors and walls match the green of the sheets I spend my nights on nothing like the cool gray of my shower curtain at home
no familiar scents for comfort
nothing to hang a towel on
they are making me shower here--
well highly encourage it --
but I haven't showered in almost a month and now my anxiety is making what should be a simple task difficult
I am once again having to face my own mind and its reluctance to let me (breathe, live, function) exist.

I took a shower tonight
borrowed hospital gowns replaced mine
so I can wear clean clothes again
showers normally feel like catharsis
tonight it felt like defeat
anxiety swelled in my chest as I forced myself to take calculated breaths
slow
in
out
in
out
breathe. repeat.
the shower I was in had a chair
and that made it easier to stomach the idea of "clean"
I don't know why I felt that way
it shouldn't be this way

I took a shower today
a ritual I was taught as a child--
one I had abandoned long ago;
showers are cleansing and comforting
I used to not think that I deserved that
but I needed a shower today and I took one
I know it may not seem like much to you
but I am proud of myself

There's food here
and they remind me to eat
I don't remember the last time I had consistant meals like this
food and I have a unique relationship
textures, smells, colors
too many senses to take in at once
it's overwhelming sometimes
food is a battle
one I really never know how to combat
my weapons once vehemently familiar metal talons and serrated edges
were replaced by supervised plastic and paper
I have to ask for everything here
I would find it demeaning,
but instead I find comfort in being cared for
it's been a while since I felt so safe and secure

-- hear my greatest threat is me

And eventually your name will stop tasting like poison
and your picture will no longer stab like a knife
I will be able to face you without slowly dying
Finally able to continue on with my life

I hung up my clothes today
separated them into donate and keep
folded the ones that didn't need to take up vertical space
and when I was done I spent the rest of the day on the verge of a panic attack
unable to complete the rest of my work
unable to do anything worthy of contribution at my job
I took more breaks today than I ever have
hid in the office for a few hours occupying myself with paperwork
hiding from guests
and coworkers
and responsibility
and stimuli
I sat out on the receiving dock
where others go to some cigarettes
I found myself sitting on the concrete steps still slightly damp from rain earlier that day and resisting the impulse to knock my head against the brick wall of the building.

I did a simple task and I could not function
this is what I mean when I say I need help.

It's been 6 days
My hair is in a greasy knot kept semi presentable with dry shampoo
My skin breaking out like I'm going through puberty
My legs and armpits constantly hidden because I dont trust myself enough with a blade to only shave.
It's been 6 days
My towels are hanging right where they should be
My toiletries glaring at me from the edge of the tub
I cant bring myself to step over that threshold
It's been 6 days
And I know if I attempt I wont be able to stand
Instead sitting in the dark while water too hot blasts this punishment into my back for abandoning it for too long
I can always pretend my life is together
Fridge full, makeup neat, bills paid
From the outside I look like I'm doing fine
But I know the truth
And it's been 6 days

You told me once that you
were lost and just needed
to feel things out but
your hands had been broken

I'm trying to put these feelings into words but I don't know the vocabulary
I know I am uncomfortable
I feel reprimanded---
chagrined in a way that is thoughtful but wary of change

these steps seem simple to you
but I am trying and they're steeper than I'm used to
I'm scared that if I reach the top
then I will fall back to the bottom even harder than before

and the climb becomes more difficult each time
and the summit is never as beautiful as I was told
so I sit at the bottom of the stairwell and watch as others around me sprint up the steps
They're waiting for me again dancing at the top to a rhythm I've never heard and will forever struggle to learn

Healing takes time

I heard just what you said
empty promises on your breath
A cup of coffee in between
I'm meeting your eyes through the steam
But it's like when I talk
I'm a coprse not a human being
Because I'm sure you heard what I said
But I can tell you don't really see me

And like you
The coffee is bitter on my tongue
I hope next time you shoot your shot
That you're the one who gets stung

I wrote this instead of sleeping
Because everytime I close my eyes I think of you
And I'm still unsure if it counts as a nightmare
If you wake up more longing than scared

I have fallen in love, out of love, and everything in between
lately I don't know what I've been feeling
and I don't know what that means

I come from a family of alcoholics
so you'd expect me to be such
But I like to believe I'm different
I drink because the thought of being in
reality terrifies me
I'd rather dream
And when I drink
It's like I'm dreaming while being awake
I don't feel
I don't exsist
I know I have a problem
But this dream world of mine is so
tempting
You'd never understand

I asked and you answered
One thing on your bucket list
An act I have since put on mine
Go to a castle
And sit on the throne

If I told you what I really thought of you
And insults were like cavities
I wouldn't have any teeth left

Growing up,
my mother always said
that life isn’t always fair.
I’ve come to realize
that this is only one of the
many lessons that I will take
away from my mother

    --But it should be

Love, as I've come to know, is  a shapeshifter
every time I experience her she is in a different form
but there is always some semblance of nostalgia every time
I used to think every new love would be my last
and figured that every past love was a misunderstanding of the term
but I've come to realize that every love will be different
every love teaches me new lessons
and I could not be more grateful for what she's taught me

I know that better days are coming
I haven't seen them in years
every time I think I'm better
or that life has delt me a good hand
the gamblers curse returns
and I'm in worse debt than before
this dealer is good
he knows just how to deal to make me play
gives me a enough wins to think I'm ahead
but the house always wins
and the dealer for my life always steals back more than he gives

---I've tried to quit before, but addiction is prevelant and I can't seem to stop playing this game called life.

I believed my mind to be a box of glass walls
the moon to be chasing my car at night
the roaring of the car wash to be a lion trapped in a den
I believed quicksand to be a much more prominent threat than it truly is
and that I would have surely caught fire at least a few times in my life at the rate Stop Drop and Roll were engraved into my brain
I thought by now I would have experienced peer pressure and that saying no to a drink or a smoke wouldn't have been this easy-- no one ever retorted
That by age eighteen I would be free from my parents rules and I would be living alone with a dozen animals  working my dream job
Or at least that I would be dead
That I would surely be dead

I must be allergic to you
every time you come near me I swear
my stomach starts doing somersaults
My palms grow slick with perspiration
and I start to asphyxiate on fantasies of you
Surely I must be allergic
Why else would my eyes water at the thought of losing you
why else would I hold onto hope like an epi-pen that you are meant for me?

I wish my life were an etch-a-sketch
I wish I could just shake the screen
and have a blank slate
or have at least been born an
artist or a geometrist
so that my life weren't just a series of confused squiggles
because I've never been one to walk in a straight line
and I have no clue where I am or where I'm going.

I'm on my third group of patients
now the welcoming committee to a place I was once a stranger
I know the walls and schedules,
which nurses work at night,
where the Tech met her husband,
and the due dates for the pregnant staff
I'm on my third group of patients
each one leaving bittersweet
these people know me without judgment
I can talk without fear
and with each discharge--
I feel like I'm losing a piece of myself
I'm on my third group of patients
I'm having to learn to let go
this part is never easy

I told you loved you
And you said it back
I've never felt relief
Such as that

In this moment it all feels subdued
in the quiet light of the moon who has known me my whole life
The darkness that blankets me with comfort rather than fear
The knowledge that life
At least for right now
Is meaningless

They told you
you had changed since you met me
of course I believe that to be true too
I've changed since I met you too
But of course over two years you would be different
who wouldn't be?
change of school, jobs, life plans
the only constant here was me
so fingers were pointed at the only thing that stayed the same about you
and I had no say at all

Small but there--
I can acknowledge it in the least;
A dim glowing of a promise
That something is yet to come
And I feel like Gatsby staring at that green light across the lake
So certain his love is there,
But I know that my light is attainable
If only I should chose to be brave

--Im holding out hope that fear will not stop me from loving again.

But she was there
Beautiful and intelligent
Strikingly so in both terms
The world couldnt begin to understand
And she wondered what it said about her that she always longed to outwit the detective rather than to catch the killer

I don't want to exsist for awhile
But I'm told that's suicidal ideation
And I realize time again that yes I have depression
I want to call into work sad
Tell them I cant do this today
Or any day for that matter
That my brain is missing chemicals here and has too many chemicals there and it makes me exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally
But I can't call into work sad
I can't take a personal day to not exsist
There are jobs to be done and people counting on me
Ironic that anyone would when I cant even count on myself
How could I ever explain that I fight every day with a body that doesn't want me to exsist
How do I explain that showing up to work took more energy than my coffee fueled brain has
How do I explain that while I dont want to die,

I dont want to be.

You know sometimes I feel like I'm slipping
I can feel it coming
Its presence obvious by the steps echoing down the hall
Its wearing heels today
I knew I should have put carpet down instead of tile
Maybe this feeling wouldn't be so daunting then
But I know I'm slipping
Back into the headspace where nothing makes sense
Back where I can smile but it is only sketched and not carved
Back where solace is my favorite company
Back to where I hate being but somehow always end up
I know I'm slipping
I promise I'm looking for a handrail
A countertop
A ledge
Something that will catch me or at least buffer the fall a little
I'm slipping over here
I guess they forgot to put out the wet floor sign
I will never win this lawsuit though
I'm clumsy
I slipped

For as long as I can remember
I believed that I would die young
I'm still here
Age twenty
And I still wonder
If death will show it's face soon
I've tried to meet him many times
Clearly he's avoiding me for a reason then
If I am still here
I'm still here
Death,
I'm still here

We have choices every day
I choose now to be better
try harder
every day I am a different person
and that used to scare me
the first step is discipline
it creates stability
here--I am fighting
my demons that only I can see
every second
every minute
every hour
I am fighting now

--when I look back I hope I like what I see