The taste of bile
Tears slipping down ashen cheeks

Please don't flinch away
Not when we've shared so much

you might always have yourself convinced that things are better this way.
and for all we know, they could be.
but i know for a fact that you were scared.
and to this day, your hands still shake
at the thought of your foundation being ripped away.
so you play it safe.
but this this false comfort is ******* you dry
and you refuse to admit it to yourself,
blinding yourself to the faults in your foundation.

the leeches on your skin steal your blood,
replacing it with poisoned obedience.
how can you call that love,
when your dreams are deemed as childish aspirations?

love is not written with an asterisk.
limitations
are
invalid.

i won't forget that night
or the taste
or the feeling.
and the warmth of your kiss
in the cold, still air.
as smoke swirled behind us
and moved towards the sky,
the rest came crashing down.

it's way too easy to get used to being unhappy.
to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

with a soul like rotting wood.
and a heart like an empty home.

i don't even know what to say
you never think something like this will happen to you
you hear the stories and think
"oh, ****. i hope i never have to go through that."
you think how horrible it would be
maybe you think too much about it and cry
then you forget about it all
until its brought up again
but you never really think
it will happen to you

six six six is the devils number
cancer is a six letter word
and i can't help but think of how fitting that is
for a disease where your own body kills you
i've loved you for three years
three plus six is nine
and you have nine months left
a pregnancy lasts nine months
so i keep hoping that maybe reincarnation isn't *******
and when you pass away
you wake up as a baby
so that i don't have to live in a world where i am surrounded by souls
but not a single one is yours

and in case that doesn't work
i've been praying to God
almost every day
that you find him somehow
because if i mess up somewhere in my life
and end up in hell
i'd rather look up from the flames
and see you happy
than watch from above in paradise
as you burn
and i think if i had to
i would crawl into hell for the next nine months
bathe in flames and drown in the wailing of lost souls and demons
if it meant you would somehow beat this

i wish i could scream loud enough
to shake every last tumor out of your body
loud enough to wake up God
and ask him if he's really listening
because i feel so hopeless
and i'm beginning to doubt everything
i thought i believed in
because how could a God
who is supposed to want the best for me
take you away?
let you cough up your life
until your lungs are dried up
and you can't tell me you love me anymore
and even if you don't mean it
at least pretend
kind of like that ron pope song

when you're gone
i'll never hear a piano the same way again
you will be in every note
in every vibration
in every key touched so delicately
and deliberately
i will hear you in every beatles song
see you in every flower
i will watch every video as to not forget
the sound of your voice
the way you grin
i am terrified of you fading
because that is the saddest part of every death
you do not die when you pass
you live on in the people who loved you
until they no longer live
or until they forget
i will not forget
i will not forget
i will not forget
i will not forget
i will live until i am nothing but dust
and my last words will be your name
so you will live even after i die
in the wind
in the trees
in the flowers you always compared yourself to
i will get your art tattooed on my skin
so that when someone asks why i got it
i will tell them all about you
and the love for you
that will always be in my veins
you will always matter
you will always be my light
you will never fade
i will always love you
i will never forget
i will never forget
i will never forget