the love i had for you
existed in deleted poetry
beautiful, but not for the world to see
because cruelty broke the reality
that, for a moment, led us by

and i wonder
if you still stay awake like how we used to
like i do now
hoping... that one day
i'll love you again

i am a fool to believe
a sun that brings light
cannot bring fire

"i love you"
and im back circling in your gravity
locked in an orbit you pull me by

i linger between the rocks you left for me
always so generous
there is no air in space

and i patiently wait

wondering wondering
as you lift me across constellations
if this is not love
why?

wondering wondering
as my core erupts from your contact
if this is not love
what is?

He said Your name

as He reached for me, reached for the child
who He says unbuckled His pride and knelt
with sin and sweat (or is that blood?) on her back.
His reverence pleasured itself against the length of her throat
she left her mouth agape,
gagged to submission
but he wouldn't know the better.

and as He sunk deeper, wounded me, and sunk deeper still,
soul scorched under his Divinity and Damnation,

He said Your name.

in that moment, oh God oh God oh God
did You forgive Him?

you said i was hurting you
for how i made,
and yes i must've made,
your fingers cramp
when your nails gripped my skin.

you said the blood on your hands was yours
but we both knew better.

i know i shouldn't
i mean i know i wouldn't
of course i wouldnt
why would i?

but
if i could tell you how you make me smile
when you laugh
or tell you how i love how you occupy your space
full but free, comforting but never caging
i would do just that
but i know better

and
i know you could never love me
but if i could tell you
just once
how beautiful you are
i think it would just be nice
that's it
that's all

her name begins with a c
and she's afraid of the wind

eyes like sun rays, blinding
she dances for the early spring

feet against concrete walls
she stands tall in reverence of whats to come

shes afraid of the wind
but the wind is what will bring me to her

my body is a crime scene
snaked up from behind me, a man slits my tongue
tells me god knows i sinned
tells me god made him sin

but there are no coroners here
the detectives mother the sidewalk
they don't dare cross over to me
they expel my lungs and call to me
they tell me to breathe

he's gone now
but i'm still here
i'm still here
i'm still here

you push away his trust
and keep yourself from sinking
by drowning him
he who keeps you afloat

i want so badly to disagree
to prove myself untethered
to the desires others pose to me

but when i sink into myself
see myself for who i am
i come crawling back to complacency

the invisible leash ive tied
hangs around my neck so perfectly

I did not choose to love a women
so she choose to love me instead
she saw in me what i couldn't see
and what she saw a calm future fled

my mother told me i was a difficult one to deliver
how i kicked her
how i jumped
how i threw a child's tantrum in my moments chrysalis  

so why is it now i falter?
why do i stand as stone in light of my future?
who have i begun to live for if not me?
where have i gone? when will i come?

but, as i outgrew the cocoon that wrapped me
i will outgrow this stagnancy
and if i may lose some of me in pursuit
may i gain my freedom in my rebirth

I have not written for myself in a while
so I'll write to her now

I'll tell her everything she's missed
tell her that the sun still rises and sets even if she can't leave her bed to observe it
even if she can't leave her bed at all

I'll send her secrets that I've learned
from the friends that I've made that I'm sure she'd love
if she could just ******* love herself first

I'll tell her that I saw her once
flickering between us
holding onto herself, her life, the womb
and I will tell her that she was beautiful
because I was there too

and I know this letter will mean nothing tomorrow
like the strength she had to start writing this
it will be gone from memory.

but I hope she'll remember that she wrote this
that we wrote this
because she, for a moment,
felt she could be loved enough to be written for
I hope this will remind her sometime
that I could love myself too