It leaves
Then it comes back
It haunts me
I forget about it
It's still there
It does not exist
Yet it is my greatest fear

The monsters in my head
That I call fear, jealousy and insecurities
They are ghosts that should have died
Lingering and following me around

They make this puzzle so complex
Though I am almost finished
And already holding the last piece
Why am I searching for other pieces
to complete the missing space,
when the answer is already in my hands?
And all I have to do is to place it down

And what seemed like an easy jigsaw
Becomes a stage performance
And I am the actor with only one line
The monsters, they scream
They try to taunt me
I struggle to fight back
But I see them in the crowds
And what seemed like one line
Felt like a dictionary I had to memorize
And I mess up
And the monsters have won
They always find a way to take over me

The first thing that hits me is the fear.

I wake up screaming in my heart, plastered to the sheets of my bed that weigh me down like an anchor. There are tears streaming down my face and I know if I could see my own face at that very moment, there would be terror; panic etched in every corner. It should comfort me, the morning rays of sunlight dancing in the room, but it doesn't. Only when I take the first inhale and exhale of the day does my pulse start to slow down, my mind reminding me that I am awake. That this is reality now, and everything that I just saw - no matter how real it seemed - was only just a dream.

I turn to my side and whisper in frantic breaths for you to still be safe, to always be safe, to be alive. It is a mindless thing, acted upon impulsion, desperation and intuition. There are things in this world that cannot be explained until a person finds themselves in that particular position, and this is one of them. This is the second time, a voice reminds me in the back of my thoughts, that I have been terrified that you have possibly passed on. Scared to the very core of my heart, even, and it frightens me to even consider the possibility of you not there.

People don’t understand. I didn't either, not for a very long time, how one can love another wholeheartedly and completely. To be connected to someone in your heart - and to just know that connection is, and has always been there. That somehow all the moments in life and everything that happened was building up to that one grand moment where it all began. That even though you try to convince yourself otherwise, you know you would do anything for them. That despite everything that has happened, you still hope for everything in the future to happen, a future with them still in it, because they’re a part of all you have.

Sleep takes me under her wing soon after my murmuring ends, but you are still at the tip of my tongue, base of my thoughts and whole of my heart.

Please, I love you. Be safe, be safe, be safe.

(A.H.Z)

I'm feelin' it
hope you are too
hungry for love
but mostly you

I have a mouth
that I wanna use
to show off my skills
hoping to impress you

your love is sweet
good enough to eat
all I wanna do is please
like I do in my dreams