Life is destruction
Like a glacier to a mountain
Like a volcano's blast
Like tornado's cruel whip
Like a scathing remark
Unstoppable and Uninterested
Smashing, crashing, and lashing
Laughing while you struggle
Prometheus without the metaphor
Literally struggling through
Literally unable to cope
Literally all alone
Until the bleak, black, blistered,
Bashed, Banished, Blindness
Fades into bright light of sunshine
A welcome sight to sore eyes
To sore ears, mouths, and noses
To sore hearts, minds, and souls
Too sore to reach out
To grasp for the sun like a final breath
To overcome the scars, scabs, and scrapes
And as the sunlight fades away
The creature, product of this world
Sinks, crawls, and curls
Into a ball at the corner of existence
With its dying, agonizing, and brief
Hollow and rattling breath
Chasing away the rays of sun and happiness
And closing its eyes
Its heart, its mind
It accepts the darkness as its own.

It may be the hardest thing to do
Though it may come easy to you
Reject ideas you're used to
Try to find the meaning of 'truth'

But maybe if you try to see
The world may just clearer be
From lonely mountains to chopped down trees
From big blue whales to bumblebees

And you may just wonder how
Can you change yourself right now
Your question answered with a scowl;
Immediate change is not allowed

Instead you must take years to wonder
To speak the lighting and draw the thunder
And in this time, you'll no doubt blunder
Just don't let the setbacks take you under

Just try from each mistake to learn
Try not to reject, lest you be spurned
Though the world is endless turns
Don't just seek knowledge, yearn

And if you follow this advise
Realize this world may not be nice
Just remember to think twice
Unless you want to pay the price

Take your life in your own hands
Do everything you think you can
Before the hourglass is drained of sand
Make your living, Make a stand

Smoke circles my eyes
Glasses of fog rise
Through them, my life seems different
Beautiful, not like it is, rent
This mist keeps me alive
Without it I would surely die
Life of Cigarettes
Life of Regrets?

It's almost as if you think I wanted it this way
That I wanted to be the reaper, blotting out your rays
I ask you, take a walk with me, and see the other side
The feelings that I'd been running from I sought no more to hide

I'm sorry that I hurt you for that was not my plan
I merely wanted to be right with you, let you know where I am
How could I tell you Truth in absence of being so blunt?
These past weeks were not to play; the feelings were no stunt

I'm sorry that you hate me now, and that your blood boils hot
I'm sorry I thought I knew who I was, only to find that I was not
I'm sorry you gave so much to me, you should have kept it all
I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you, to catch you when you fall

But do not take this as a hope that you will take me back
I've moved from wanting to be tied to you to wanting more than slack
I don't curse our past for you have shown me a different part of life
I wish my words read out as words, and not whispers of mocking strife

I wish that I could be there, to help you change your mind
But what I've done is better, don't drop me another line
You should forget me, and all the pain I've caused you
Remember what it means to love when eventually you love anew.

I don't know if I'm lost or found
If I should let go, or show latch on
I want one, but need the other
I love you still
And that's what haunts me
I could be with you
And hope you stay true
I could run away
And never again talk to you
I could be ******
I could be sad
I could be happy
I could be mad
But what I am
Might surprise you
Because what I am
Is in love

It pains me that you don't see what I
Saw that very day
I saw nothing in your eyes
I saw there was nothing I could say
Because you convinced yourself you couldn't be rescued
That you were on your way out
Your declaration of passing away cued
Tears and ended my shout
See I saw that day that you'd never listen
When times got much worse
You'd look to yourself, and if you weren't there
There ain't nobody else that can help
So speak about how I left you
About how all I am is high
About how I abandoned you when you needed me
And blind yourself from the truth you need
You were my constant as well
I'm glad you've already forgotten
I'm glad I meant so much to you
That your only opinion of me is rotten.

Shifting his gaze from my face to the ground
His twisted mouth shouts at me without a sound
Pleading with his stoic expression
To save him from his inner depression

Holding your hand like running water
Leading you, a lamb, slowly to slaughter
Not out of choice but because we must
To hope that are actions are ones we can trust

Smiling spite into suspicious spectators
Assuring them that there's nothing greater
Nothing greater than life's unfairness
To strip us of worth and force us to bareness

To remind them all that life is bleak
And its answers we're not meant to seek
Denying the purpose, the magic of life
Showing it is nothing but tremendous strife

You should know better than to think this way
To reconsider what you're trying to say
Because life may sometimes be far from gay
But that doesn't mean in the valley it stays

It means more than imaginable for life to just be
Its undeniable magic is not lost on me
Though there are limits on what we can see
Finding yourself through the ******* is key

Cause if you don't know who you are, then who will?
What then do you become except a flesh-bag with skills?
Why not sup from life's goblet until you've had your fill?
Why rise up in objection, voice scratchy and shrill?

You don't understand, that much is clear
It doesn't make sense that you're not filled with fear
How can you do anything when there's nothing to do?
How can you have an internal rendezvous with just you?

We are on different levels of thinking of stuff
And I don't mean for my words to be taken as gruff
But maybe your spirit is not up to *****
You know who gets going when the going gets rough

I hope you're not thinking that I've given up
That I've had my fill, and am done with my cup
I'm hoping that life can make a turn for the better
That it turns warm and sunny, with no need for a sweater

No, I'm still here for a reason; I'm not done yet
There's still a lot in life I'm trying to get
I'm not quite ready to admit this is the end
There's still to many wounds that need to mend

Now you are talking like a man with some sense
You've opened your mind, stopped being so dense
And though life's not perfect, from this point hence
Try to understand it, even though it's immense

I will do my absolute best
And I know someone else will take care of the rest
Just promise me one thing before you go
That you'll always be with me, that you'll help me grow

*I promise to you that I'll always be there
To take arms with you, and help you prepare
To fight back against things causing despair
No need to check by your side, I'm not going anywhere.

Please don't worry baby
It's just a night alone
I'm staying safe
I'm staying sane
I'm staying in your heart.

Please don't worry baby
She's just a friend
Just trust me honey
Just trust me doll
I'm staying in your heart

Please don't worry baby
It was just one time, that's all
I know I was wrong
I know I betrayed you
I'm staying in your heart

Please don't worry baby
You'll make it out alright
It's not you it's me
It's not you it's her
I'm leaving from your heart

Please don't worry
We're not together
It wasn't healthy
It wasn't right
I'm tearing out your heart

I'm sorry that you worry
I'm sorry I wasn't there
I'm sorry that I ****** it up
You're still here in my heart

Please tell me how I'm wrong
Please tell me that you're right
Please explain to me how you didn't break my heart
Please tell my friends that I'm okay
Please understand, I've thought this through
Please, I want to say these things to you
If they're wrong, tell me why, and then I'll believe you
But so far, you've just told me they're wrong
And asked me to get on with my life
I'm sorry I'm hung up
I'm sorry I can't let go
I'm sorry that you're the only person that meant a **** to me
I'm sorry that I wasn't cool with the way you wanted to live your life
I'm sorry that even now, you mock, and despise me
I'm sorry that this poem will do nothing
But I hope that it will tell you
Something that you need to know
You're not always right
I'm not either
I find out when you are when I listen to you.
Do you find out that way too?

As I reflect back
On previous poems
I remember the feelings
That each one contains
They're there in the words
Not visible,
But palpable
Speaking more than the symbols on the page
Could ever hope to convey by themselves

I think of my anguish
The pain and hurt I've been through
And as I hear stories from others
I learned what to do
To keep my head up
Even if I'm alone
To let it out, and let it in
No matter what feelings they are
To cry when I'm sad
Or laugh when I'm glad
Or sit there when I have nothing to say
Not to intrude
Not to delude
Merely to Live each and every day

I don't mean to Live
As to possess life
I mean to Experience
And value your life
I take much for granted
I'm realizing more
Whether it's a long talk
Or laying on the floor

I think Living is contingent on Loving
Not anyone or anything in particular
But Loving the world wholly
And knowing that you don't know
You and I don't know why the trees grow
You and I don't really care
You and I can't tell if it's a Heavenly glow
We just hope to make it there

Believe in what You choose
I'll believe in my choice
God or no God
Take hold of your voice
And proclaim out loud
What you believe
Because though some may shun you
Some may shut you out
Some may tell you you're wrong
Some may tell you 'what it's all about'
I ask you to answer
When criticism knocks
To stick up for your feelings
To stand up for your thoughts

And when you stand strong
Head held aloft
Know that I'll listen
And Learn from your thoughts
I may find it silly
I may not agree
But one thing I promise
You'll receive no critiques from me

I've learned through others
And through myself
That we each have our own paths
Our own crosses to bear

And I will never know
What lead to our paths crossing
But what I do know is
That I owe it to you
To figure it out
To learn who you are
To seek out the answers
To drive in your car

See, to me it seems
The world has become mean
And discontent with being a part
Of the Evil, Greed, and Misery
I choose instead to seek out the Good
To seek out the Giving, and the Elation
Because though I'm glad
That I've been sad
And that I've learned from it
I'd rather be Happy
And spread Goodness
Than fester in this rotting pit termed Humanity

People together can do great things
People alone can too
People in general are maddening
People specifically are True
True to themselves
True to others
True to their Values
True to their Brothers

Beware the false Prophets
The ones who reach out
And try to tell you
What it all is about
They tell you to conform
To go with the flow
And pretty soon you're converted
Content not to know

Please avoid this Fate
If you so choose
Try not to Hate
Yourself, don't lose
At the end of the day
You're nothing but yourself
So be the best you you can be
The rest will handle itself

I wish these lines in my mind would straighten out
Not really sure how they got twisted about
All I want to do is break free and shout
But no, that's not what it's all about

I wish I understood where I stand
I am, after all, only a man
I just want to reach out, and again feel your hand
But I can't, after all, I'm only a man

I'm so tired that a forever sleep is too short
I'm so confused and my thoughts must be sorted
I don't know if I want or need you Lauren
I need my thoughts to be sorted.

I love you Lauren
You know it is true
I hold tight to Us:
To me and you

And I don't expect
Us to always agree
I only wish
For you to love me

And because you do
It makes me happy
I only want you
Even though it sounds sappy

You make me Me
Without even trying
When I am laughing
And when I am crying

You mean so much
To me as a person
I want my parents to say
You have done well, Son

Because you are with me
Even when you're not right there
You've made me see
That love should be shared

That love is a wonder
That love should be held
As closely as you can
No matter what hell

And I don't mean to say
That being with you is bad
Because it isn't baby
Being with you makes me glad

Being with you completes
Where I alone cannot
The love I found with you
I would have never have thought

So thank you baby,
For all that you are
For being my baby
My bright shining star

The cross-tressed paintings on the wall
Let light in, but hide it all
Not to short, not too tall
The cross-tressed paintings on the wall

The gilded handle on the door
Will enclose me here no more
An hour long in this bore
The gilded handle on the door

The piercing sunlight through the trees
Doesn't seem to bother me
Now outside, I'm finally free
The piercing sunlight through the trees

Where are you?
I look for your face in the darkest of places
Who are you?
I try to erase all of your traces
What are you?
You demon, you devil, you smiling serpent
Where are you?
I'm seeking this out, to put it to end

I am a moth
And you are a light
I'm drawn to you like magic
Seduced by your aura
I drift in closer,
longing to wrap my wings around you
To feel your warmth
As I get close
Excited and Nervous
I accept your warm embrace

Burn me up with your light
Because though you're bad for me
I just can't stay away

I wanted to write you a poem
Not to tell you to take
Life one step at a time
Not to show you the extent
To which I love you
Not to tell you how
To live your life

I wanted to write you a poem
Not to hope to draw out
Some inner sadness
Not to cause a dramatic
Change in your thinking
Not to seek desperately
Your praise and love

I wanted to write you a poem
Not to make you feel
The same way for me
Not to keep you from
Being honest with me
Not to turn you away
From your current beliefs

I wanted to write you a poem
Not to show you that
My feelings for you
Mirror my former, misplaced
Emotions and actions

I wanted to write you a poem
Not to bring you to
Your knees with awe

I wanted to write you a poem
Because you're worth writing about

I wish I still missed you
I wish I'd angrily text you again
And apologize later like usual
I wish you'd want to talk to me
But you don't, and I don't
I miss wanting to talk to you
The aching, the pain, the bliss
I miss crying my eyes out and burning my arm
Sweet release coupled with intense sadness
I miss giving a **** about you
Because honestly, I don't
I don't love you anymore
Your icy heart has grown hard as stone
And your words have turned into venom
Begone from me, snake, I need you no more
Go have fun and get blown away
Because
At the end of the Day
You lied to me about who you were
Made me believe something untrue
I'll not **** away the memories
But quite frankly darling,
I'm done with you.

Oh you know her?
She likes you
She wants you
She's into you
Go for it man
Go for it Zack
Go for it Bud
And then, standing,
Choking on the words I pretend to mutter
Sputtering with embarrassment at not being heard
But unable to speak louder
Caged behind a wall of glass emotion
Colorless
Odorless
Painless
The pane holds it in
So I let nothing out
Blank expression
Relaxed body language
Are you tired?
Yeah, I had a late night
Not a lie
But not the truth
Hide behind the sleep
Or the ****
Keep to myself
Who cares to know me?
Listen instead
Learn secrets
Maybe about you
Maybe about other people
Could be interesting
Uninterested
Wonder if I look that way to the customers
They tip well
or not at all
Hard to tell
Spiraling into control
Learning to live again
You've degenerated me
Back to the middle school
version
Timid
Shy
unsure
unconfident
Wanting to escape
Nothing to say
Nothing that would matter to anyone anyway

Read:
Talking to you last night
Helped me to understand
Understand this wasn’t right
Which is why we changed our plans

I’m not going to lie to you
I’m better than before
I’m not 100%, that’s true
But I don’t think you as a *****

I know that this is hurting you
As much as it is me
I wish there were things I could do
To help you forget about me

Reply:
*I’m shadowed by the memories
I’m hollow with the loss
I’m weighed down by my heart of lead
I bear it as my cross

I know we did what’s best for us
I know we did what’s right
That doesn’t mean I don’t still miss
You holding me at night

Forgetting you is not my goal
My best times that would take
I cannot lose that part of me
I only want to numb the ache

I wish that you could say the same
But that may not be true
Forget me, if that’s what you need
I want what’s best for you

As I lay here inspired
I try to think of the things I want to say to you
I want to say I know exactly how you feel
I want to say that someone is waiting for you to come along
I want to say that you're a good person
But I don't know you
I don't know if the words spat, spoken, and whispered
Reflect all of you
I have no doubt
What you say is what you mean
But I think there is more to you
Than the letter type that I see before me
Your words are beautiful
Your emotions seem sincere.
As someone who has hurt,
I yearn to help
But
It's hard to fix what isn't broken
It's hard to see what isn't shown
It's hard to be let in without a key
And
Though I believe that it's true
Though I feel your pain
Though I want to reach out
I won't.
I can't.
Because reaching out means letting you in
It means hard work
Sacrifice.
It means I'm ready to help
and I'm not yet.
My mind is broken,
I had a mental car accident
2 broken legs and a fractured wrist
The legs have healed, and I can walk with my head high
But my wrist hasn't healed yet
And though I try to pull you from the water
We both end up drowning

We just got through the toughest time
We made it out of the valley of death
We finally seem to be making things right
And then, again, it happens.
The worry
The aching heart
The tear-stained face
The devious mind
The thought of you with another
That's what sets me on edge
You act like you're innocent
When you're actually ignorant
You don't care why or how I feel or do
You just care about finding fun
You should care for me, you love me
Then again, I love you
It's okay for you to get jealous
Of course it is, it's fine
But God forbid I say my fears
Because it's fine, it always is
Just forget about the past
When you didn't love me too much
When you decided to choose another
When you tore out my heart
I can't just forget about them,
Though it is almost a year since
You're a prime target
It doesn't matter if you think you are or not
Because half the guys at the party
See you as prettier, which already you are.
I'm just stuck waiting around
For you to mess up
But don't worry, if you do
I love you
It's okay.

One White, pretty and clean
One Black, shady and mean
Their Puppy perceived as crazy, nice, even humdrum
The Truth is none, maybe just a conundrum

Picture a big Dog, a ******* risen from Hell
None understood, to many, just a mere shell
He loved many *******, therefore fathering many puppies
His intentions were redeeming, his soul would be condemned

Picture a small Angel, genius incarnate
She walks a lonely road, always menial, not subordinate
Angel carries a curse, and that of a strong will
For it was the choice of life that brought her thrill

Two Dogs from opposite litters and homes
Harboring different triggers from opposite roams
Meeting in a place of retribution and salvation
Trying to end the Common Search for Reconciliation

Two dogs, one Black, one White
Seeing them together, a very odd sight
Only one Puppy would leave their nest
Always in turmoil, never knowing which Dog barks Next.

Don’t worry baby
It will be alright
I gently rub your back
And say goodnight.
I walk out of your room
Down the hallway and stairs
Walk into the kitchen
I crack open a coke
And turn on the television
I stare at the screen
Distracted by what’s happened
Not listening to the death
Not listening to the races
Not listening to the sports
Not listening to the crimes
Not watching the dog chase its tail around and around
Watching that dog, realizing he’s me and you
While the dog’s excited about going around
We aren’t, and can’t be
Because the closer to our tail we get
The further from each other we are.
I’m preparing for the bite on the tail
But the dog keeps chasing
Around and around and
Around.

I love writing to you
You make me complete
Complete like a finished puzzle
Puzzle Pieces, that's what we are
Are we going to last long?
Long have I hoped for someone
Someone who helped me
Me and you together forever?
Forever is a long time
Time seems to move fast
Fast and furiously erasing the past
Past that haunts me to this day
Day and night, while thinking
Thinking of our future
Future so uncertain and scary
Scary, yet I can't help but be hopeful
Hopeful that we will last
Last for a long time, together
Together, nothing can stop this train
Train hard making seconds count
Count the days we've been with each other
Other than that, I'm blind
Blind as a bat to the outside
Outside of us, I feel nervous
Nervous that I can't make it through
Through the hard times
Time's trying to catch up
Up to our heaven
Heaven must seem like this
This has been great
Great love has yielded great trust
Trust in my words
Words may be cheap
Cheap as in free
Free, ah baby, that's how I feel with you
You are my sunset
Sunset so beautiful you can't help but stare
Stare intently to capture every detail
Detail my feelings so you understand
Understand I love you

Dear God, are you there?
Or am I just praying to air?
I once believed beyond doubt in you
And now I just don't know what's true

Dear God, can you help?
Can't you hear my fearful yelp?
I don't wish to be an issue
I just want to know if I would miss you

Dear God, I'm struggling here
I'm not used to not feeling you near
To tell you the truth, I'm really scared
I miss the trust we used to share

Dear God, is Love real?
Is it really the biggest deal?
How can I know Love without my past?
How can I know Love's meant to last?

Dear God, please don't let me go
There's things I've learned I don't wish to know
Please show me God what I can do
Anything, everything, to get back close to you

I love you baby
I know you do
Don't you...
Want to tell me you love me too?
That we're held together like glue?
That nothing can stop a love this true?
Well, that is true
And I do love you
But we're far from being new
We're turning from yellow to blue
And I think that soon
Something bad will bloom
And you and I
Will be doomed
But my love don't you see?
Love can set us free!
Be who and what we want to be!
Baby girl, are you listening to me?
I am listening
And I hear what you're saying
But what if...
The sky turns black
I lose my Zack
And turn my back
Memories stacked
Burned, turned to ash...
Baby, this negativity
This negativity will be the end of you and me
While staring at the sights unseen
You lose track of the present scene
And I don't want you to think I mean
That you live the world in a dream
But that you could do for positivity
Please baby, please. For me

Hurt
Heartbroken
I am

Pain
Sharp and biting
I feel

Furious
Disappointed
I am

I thought of you
Always
You thought of me
When it was convenient

I want us to work
But you have to understand
I am your man
Not him, or him, or him, or he
You're not a toy to me

And I'm not a toy to you either

Sitting on this floating couch
I'm drifting in and out
Notes float around my head
I can't hear, but I can see

Floating through this bitter life
Alone is how I spend most nights
Thoughts floating like the cursed notes
I can't think, but I can feel

Bitter as a butterscotch
You all turn your heads to watch
My body slowly fades away
Eaten completely by Love decay

Never far
Never close
Not these feelings
Never again

Always asking
Always crying
**** these things
Always alone

Sometimes happy
Sometimes sad
**** it all
Sometimes angry

Possibly crazy
Possibly sane
I don't know
Possibly suicidal

Probably dead
Probably alive
Languish in grief
Probably the end

I saw your tweet today
It reminded me of you
And how you've gone away
And I was sad

Smiling in the morning
I'm rising as you shine
Brightening up my day
By waking up in bliss
I love this love and tenderness
I hope it never goes away

That's not to say,
That I think it will
That all things fade with time,
But rather to say
In a happy way
That things like this should shine

And while some may doubt
And think it won't last
And curse our brand new love
I don't quite care,
The love we share
Is given from Above

So hearken, hear
And listen closely
For my feelings can hold no longer
I love you honey
I love you babe
And each day, my love grows stronger

You hear what you want to hear
Ears open to things you love and fear
All else cascades like a hurricane
Against the wall you've erected around your emotions
Can I blame you for the security?
Can I blame you for the way you feel?
No. I can't. And neither can you.

I hope this brings you happiness
Which you so dearly seek
I'm sorry I couldn't bring it to you
Please understand, I am meek
See I believe in a thing called love
And that's what makes me weak
I believe in its power over me
Something not to throw away, but to tweak

I hope in the end you're happy
Because you deserve to be
I want you to know I won't be there
When your life is a small raft on a sea
I want you to know
How much you've really hurt me

It's not the letters that bother me
It's the way they are worn
It's not the ignoring me that bothers me
It's why
It's not the cheating that bothers me
It's you doing it
It's not our arguments that bother me
It's the way we argue
It's not the necklace that bothers me
It's what it represents
It's not your life that bothers me
It's just the way you live it.

Perpetual clouds dominate this place
I long to be rid of this loathsome place
Wishing the depression, the fear, the pain
To be swept away like leaves in the rain

I know that nothing can be known for sure
I hold on to the things that can be sure
Not wishing to dwell in the darkness around me
Wishing to come to light, wishing to see

And though the darkness keeps pressing in
I do my best not to let it in
I do my best to stay true to myself
Not to put my beliefs away on the shelf

It's hard to stay strong when you're pressured to change
When everyone around you wants you to change
When you see the people, riddled with sin
Try to explain to you why we should be kin

In the perpetual darkness, for now
I have to escape, but not now
I have to keep going, I have to stay
I have to understand why they say what they say

And though I am surrounded with no exit
I don't want to leave early, to walk out the exit
Because though the darkness presses hard
I want in my deck, the darkness card

The card that shows the world where I've been
The places, the splendor, the sadness within
The memories of times not so good
I don't think I should let them go, but maybe I should
And maybe all I've said is for naught
I just want to show the world that I fought
That I didn't give up when the light seemed to vanish
That I didn't curse it, so I shouldn't be banished
That I sought to find the bright in each day
Well that's what I want,
I just don't know if it will end up that way

I'm back where I started:
Ground Zero
I hear the same insults
The same snide remarks
The same character judgments
Supposed to make me better
At school
At life
Instead all they do is push this knife
Further and further into my bleeding head
Twist it around, hang out with him
I can handle this pain
I know you love me
I know you're here
But believe you me,
I get the same amount of jealous as you
I just do a better job of hiding it
I don't have to be childish about it
I don't have to delete your messages, your contacts
He wants you, you know
And if I'd guess,
I'd say you do too.
You're longing for respect
You're seeking it with these strangers
But they don't respect you,
Not like Me and He
Those strangers hit and ran
Not like Me or He
We stuck around
For whatever reason
And we have your back
Whenever you need it
He's respectful of you
He's interested
He wants inside
You want to let him
Here again I am
Outside looking in
It's like watching someone get shot in the back of the head
You know it's coming,
You try to warn them,
Then BANG, dead
I'm trying to warn you
He likes you like that
Remember the last time
You had someone like that?
How it ended sexually, with you feeling awful?
Or what about him, will you break his heart?
Does he deserve that?
No. He doesn't.
He respects you
He likes you
He is nice to you
He takes care of you
All of these,
I cannot do.
Not because I can't,
But because you won't let me.
I need your help
I need you near
I need you to stay home
I need you to isolate
Because while I'm sitting at home,
Getting yelled at again
I'm thinking of you and He
Spending time, holding each other
Talking, *******, Kissing
Smoking, Drinking, Snorting
I hate this.
I can't break free
I just want to leave and be with you
But you don't want to be with me

I think about the words wrote before
Wrought with the iron of anger
Dripping with meaning, emotion and more
Each word expressing some danger
I haven't written like that in a while
I guess I've calmed down a lot
I prefer now to take the world with a smile
Learning the lesson not taught
More mature now, maybe
But more childish than ever
Perhaps I'll never lose that part of me
Perhaps it's already gone forever
I'm trying to correct my perceived fault
Trying to change who I am
To reset my personal default
To become a better man
I am no longer a boy
That much is clear
I've put away childhood toys
And held 'adult' things near
I do not want to claim
That I think myself a man
Though I am not the same
I'm not yet finished with my plan
I have a rough outline
Of where I want life to go
I want what I attain to be mine
Skills working in unison to put on a show
I will say for certain
There's no turning back
I'm pulling back the curtain
Releasing light from the black
I've decided a few things
About what to believe
I believe in what God brings
I'll trust Him fully when I leave
I'm not sure of a lot
But I'm not that worried
I still have years left of thought
My life needn't be hurried

I've learned a lot about life
In these 4 short years
They've not been without strife
They've not been without tears
But what I've gone through
Has made me who I am today
I've learned some things that are true
And things that aren't, decay
I'm glad of my trials
Because they could be much worse
They've been softened with smiles
To lift some of the curse
I am the person that I am today
Because of the following:
Because I thought I was in love, but realized that I wasn't
I turned into someone I didn’t want to be me
I found true love in someone unpleasant
And found out that love isn't always meant to be
I've found what true love means
When you're connected with another
I've learned what is needed
To be considered a brother
Knowing what I know now
And knowing that I'll never know all
Gives me hope through the doubt
That I'll be helped up when I fall

I miss what we had
Twisted
Alone
Broken
We've grown far apart
Losing
Crying
Hurting
You've moved on, it seems
Independent
Carefree
Rebellious
I haven't moved on
Clinging
Hoping
Searching
Your texts still make me smile
Guilty
Addicted
Confused
But your smile makes me wilt
Sinking
Withdrawing
Frowning
Your happiness reflects my pain
Great
New
Visible

I'm leaving this pain behind
I don't need it anymore
I can't be friends with this person I don't know
She doesn't want that anyway
She just wants to prevent
Another death
From another
Depressed
Hurting
Being
She doesn't want to become
Just friends either
She wants separation
Forever
To be left alone by the annoying
mosquito
That buzzes and buzzes
In her ear
Trying to remind her
She isn't single
She's promised love
She's said she cares
She swatted at this pest
Missed a few times
And hit it
Struck it down
Until it ceased
it's incessant buzzing

I never wanted it to end
But it did.
And though it's hard accepting that
I'm still not stupid
I'm not going to try to convince you I'm right anymore
I'm not going to follow you like a servant
I'm not going to love you like I did
I'm through being with you
I realize it was ****, and that's fine
I know I did all I could
I know you didn't
You admitted that it was unfair
Far too late, but early still
Our commitment wasn't made golden just yet
Symbolized by the bands on our hands
I wish you the best life in the world
I know you deserve that much
Because I've lived it, and it's great
The only problem:
I lived it through you

I miss you
Your image haunts me
Every step
The memories pull my hand
Tug me to places I don't want to go
Places that belong in the past
For the sake of my misery
but when I looked at that picture
I remembered us
And what exactly that meant to you and I
How I was floating on a cloud for a year
And suddenly came crashing back to Earth
It's as if I've been asleep
Unconscious to what I've been doing
Now I try to get back to sleep
By staying up all night smoking ***
When you're thinking about everything,
It's a lot harder to think about one thing
The cool steel is pulling out of my chest
But it stings more now,
that it's almost out
I thought this was over
But now
I think this is just the beginning

***
Coke
Blunt
Smoke
Cough
Choke
Laugh
Joke
Drink
Deep
****
Sleep
Wake
Bake
Con­template
Relief

Smile
Frown
Ups
Downs
Use
Abuse
Tight
Noose
Slip
Free
Just
Be
Smoke
Tree
****
Me
No
Peace
Can't
Breathe
No
Life
Just
****

To whom it may concern
I'm leaving this world
I realized that life is short
So I did my best to live
And I did, for a while
For a couple of years
I did a lot of things
Got a lot of experiences
But now I know
I'll never be married
I'll never live till 30
I'll never get to hold my newborn daughter in my arms
I'll never have a house
I'll never own a nice car
I'll leave all my friends
Well, if they see it like I do
It's better that way
This isn't a call for attention
I just need you to know this is real
All of these words I meant.
Goodbye mom, dad
Goodbye sisters
Goodbye friends
Goodbye my love
The one who gave me everything
The one who I turned to
The one that means so much
I'd die for you
In fact, I probably will.

I'm on a kick again
A rhyming, patterned disease takes me
And before I can even count to ten
I've succumbed to the feeling, trying to see

Not to see the whole world objective
Not to see the good in the bad
Seeing positives may be my directive
But dwelling on negatives turns me sad

Not just a sad that a few tears can fix
Not just a feeling that's gone soon
A feeling, or feelings, that inside mix
So I'm walking, head down, by noon

And though I pop out of the feelings eventually
I'd rather not feel them at all
I'd rather feel freedom, to feel happy
To not look at the ground, but instead stand tall

Not always, I know, can I forget the sad
Not always, but sometimes I can
And not feel the feelings that make me feel bad
But to rise from my chair, to stand

Stand up for what I believe
And understand the other side
To let myself, when necessary, grieve
But not to be swept away by the feelings tide

So to all of those people
Who think I should care more
That I should look only at the steeple
That I should guess what is in store

No.