Dusk to dawn, you keep draining me,
Chug me up till I’m the whiskey you need.  
I don’t smoke, but I crave cigarettes after ***,  
Smoke then ****—what’s coming next? 
 
But darling, keep it just between us—because secrets are sweeter when I don't kiss and tell.
Baby, you know I can't control this feeling, but I just want to keep it to myself instead.

**** my soul the way you lick my body,
Kiss the **** out of me, I miss your fire.  
The smell of your sweater fuels my desire.  
When I wear oversized tees, I feel your trace,  
Like your touch still lingers, leaving its place.  

It is making you cry every time
You give your love to me this way.  
Saying you’d wait for me to stay,  
I know it hurts you, but it tastes like pleasure in pain.  

And I’m kissing you, lying in my room,
Holding you until you fall asleep.  
And it’s just as good as I knew it would be,  
Stay with me—I don’t want you to leave.  

You intoxicated me with your love so true,
I fall deep into the rabbit hole with you.  
I fall upside down, not on my knees,  
But begging silently for moments like these.  

I might like it oversized on me, 
But underneath, it’s your hands I need.  
Come and be my pillow, soft and true,  
You look so tired, let me baby you.  

In this vanilla twilight beneath pale skies,
Drop-dead gorgeous, you ignite my highs.  
So hot, I needed an espresso shot,  
You’re my craving—are you feeling what I’ve got?    

I’ll touch myself, but no, it’s not the same, 
I love when your arms play their claiming game.  
You’re **** in person, but do you miss me too?  
Does my body haunt the best of you?  

Are you happy? Or does longing remain?
I’ll hold you close, let’s burn in this flame.

Match your energy
with someone that has the same energy as you.

Never force it. You will get tired.
Just let the vibe flow.
If you click, it will.

He made me realize that I was living in a house filled with demons
Their bad habits are quite common
If you could compare it with anything else
I only want nothing more, nothing less
They are quite cruel
They only wanted to conquer and rule
Conquer and rule the world and own it like it's theirs
But they aren't the heirs.

I have a mother whose like Beelzebub
I have a father whose like Beelzebul
I have a sister-in-law whose like Lucifer
While my siblings were the accuser.

Unfortunately, my cousin, his girlfriend and my aunt were like Leviathan,
Craving for drama and twisted lies, slander and everything they want to put into.
While, their house is the demon's den
As well as, that ***** was soon the devil's snack
My grandmother is ill, but not dying, but feeling righteous and pure.

She forgot who saved her from her latin prayers,
Not us. But the devil, who tricked her.

How I wonder, my home no longer has love in it
How can I feel it?
My heart is already numb
And my mind is super dumb.
How can I call it my home
If I feel hopeless and alone,
Where shall I locate my house?
Well, Hell is already my house.
No wonder, I have been feeling like hell
Every time you try to wish me well.

Hindi ko talaga alam kung saan ako magsisimula.
Hindi ko alam kung alin sa mga bumabagabag sa isipan ko ang dapat kong unahin. Pero isa lang ang sigurado ako ngayon—kailangan ko itong himayin.

Magsisimula ako sa tanong na:
“Si Ate na lang ba talaga palagi?”

Si Ate na lang ba talaga palagi ang mag-a-adjust?
Ang utusan sa pamilyang ito?
Kesyo ganito, kesyo ganyan—mga rason na hindi ko na alam kung valid pa ba o hindi. Pero sige na nga, i-aagree ko na lang. Para matapos na ang usapan. Para hindi na humaba pa ang diskusyon.

Si Ate na lang ba talaga palagi ang magsasakripisyo para sa pamilya?
Si Ate na lang ba ang mag-iisip kung paano magtitipid, kung anong dapat unahin—hindi ang luho, hindi ang sariling kapakanan—kundi kayo?
Kayo na lang muna. Ako, mamaya na lang.

Si Ate rin ba palagi ang kailangang magpakumbaba at magpatawad?
Ang aako ng responsibilidad, ang gagawa ng gawaing bahay?
Alam ko naman—may mga kapatid ako. Pero ako na lang ba palagi ang kikilos?
Ako na lang ba ang laging may kusa?
Ako na lang ba ang mag-iisip kung anong ulam ang lulutuin?
Maglalaba, maghuhugas ng pinggan, maglilinis ng bahay?

Kabisado ko na lahat ’yan. Hindi niyo na ako kailangang pagsabihan. Hindi ko na kailangan ng utos.
Pero paano kayo?
Paano kung wala na tayong mga magulang?
Paano kung ako na lang ang natira?

Si Ate na lang din ba ang laging magtuturo at magdidisiplina?
Noong ka-edad ko pa lang kayo, namulat na ako sa responsibilidad.
Pero ngayon, anong nangyari?
Halos lamunin na kayo ng cellphone. Wala nang kusa. Wala nang malasakit sa paligid.

Baka nakakalimutan ninyo—tao rin si Ate.
Hindi ako robot. Hindi ako ginawa para lang sumunod sa utos.
Marunong din akong mapagod. Marunong din akong masaktan.
May damdamin din ako.

Sana maintindihan ninyo ’yan. Na may sarili rin akong buhay na kailangang atupagin. Hindi ako utusan na sunod-sunuran lang. Hindi ako kailangan bigyan ng sahod para gawin ang iniutos ninyo, walang barya o walang pahinga ang makakapagbigay sa akin ng pahinga na hinahanap ko.

Pagod? kaya kong tiisin, kaya kong matulog nang ilang oras lang, kaya kong pagsabayin ang trabaho ngunit anong nangyari sa akin? nagkasakit ako in return. Walang halaga ang bawat barya na binibigay ninyo sa akin, kapalit ng nawala kong adrenal gland.

Puyat at pagod, ipagsabay mo. Instant noodles at walang masustansyang pagkain ang makakapatay sa akin. Coke at kape na ginawang tubig. Pagbantay sa lola kong maysakit ang naging libangan.

Hindi sa hindi ako marunong magpasalamat o baka isipin ninyo hindi ako grateful at wala akong utang na loob sa ginawa niyo para sa akin. Ang utang na loob na habangbuhay kong pagbabayaran ay hindi katumbas nang pilak at ginto o salapi, kundi habangbuhay na karangalan at respeto ang ibibigay ko sa inyo sa pagsilang sa akin sa mundong ito at dahil binuhay niyo ako at hindi pinabayaan.

Hindi niyo ako narining na nagrereklamo, hindi niyo ako nakikita na nagmamaktol, hindi niyo ako naririnig na nagpapaliwanag at nagrarason dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na sarado ang isipan at taenga ninyo kung sakali man na ako ay magpapahiwatig nang aking saloobin sa inyo.

Alam ko, naiinitindihan ko na napapagod rin kayo, iba rin ang pagod na nararamdaman ko. Hindi kumpletong tulog, hindi unan at kama ang lunas nito, dahil kung minsan kung ako ay tulog na ay sadyang nag-iingay rin ang aking isip. Ang tanging lunas na gusto ko sa pangungulila ko sa pahinga ay kapayapaan, katahimikan at dalampasigan. Iyon lamang.

Hanggang dito nalang,

Nagmamahal,
                               Ate :)

I
killed so
many versions
of myself...

Just to make you happy
Just to change myself for you to love
and accept me,
Hence, I was wrong.

How do I get away of ******? by not killing so many versions of myself just to feel loved and accepted.
But I was wrong again

we **** our old self, bury the hatchet, oblivious, they say
to love and be loved, is what I longed for
but never to force a reckoning connection,
never spark a dull moment in your life that you would ever think twice
not knowing when that love will come or it shall pass
life's uncertainties are things we cannot control of,
for so long, I was never a love fan
but I am not desperate for a love that was never mine,
then, certainly will, **** like a bubble, they are gone.

so again, how not to get away with ******? is never to start a ******.

when trust is broken
your sorry means nothing.
but I forgave you,
when you were dying
you asked for my forgiveness
and I did forgive you.

but that does not mean you were forgiven,
It was never bound to be forgotten.
your bruises and wounds of me
were my battle scars
proof for everyone to see
that when I was a child
innocent to the world
I was forced to grow up
trust no one
and be cruel.

how many times did I called your attention
to stop the whips,
to stop me from beating up
to stop me from following your orders
listening to your ****** up rules
but it all ended me, in one blow.
when you plead me for mercy,
It was not mercy that came to my mind at first
It was never forgiveness, sought or not
but it was hatred and bitterness
I will let you taste it.
I will make sure that your life is a living hell
as long as you breathe and
as long as I breathe.

I made your blood boil.
It itches your skin
to not hurt me
punch me
skin me alive
burn me
what else have you got?
stake me through my heart?
put the gun in my ******* head
pull the trigger
make me drink the poison you made
It made you crazy seeing me breathe
maybe you forgot,
I was your offspring
from you, I came from
you are my kind
yet you denied me
despised me,
denied me.

be cruel to me, father
at all costs
whatever you did,
it was never buried with you in the first place
in your deathbed, you lie
pleading for forgiveness
enough is enough
because it ends with me.

one time, I remember
out of curiosity,
out of poverty,
soy sauce, oil and vinegar,
dried fish,
fried rice with egg,
cracklings,
instant noodles
were our viands
with rice, as the queen of every meal.

just to get by in life,
just to survive from hunger and thirst.
just to be alive for another day
and experience it once again
just like clockwork.

I could never demand before,
for how hard life is.
but now, with every privilege given to us
like a chance we could get,
every opportunity slipping by
we hastily chase over them.

for once in my life,
I could buy what I needed and wanted to
without asking for my parents' money
I earned my own and I hustle to provide

not knowing the history of how I made it this far
God only knows what I went through
which were so easier for others to conclude
too quick to judge
I hope you know what you were talking about
I hope you are not making a wrong impression
or wrong words to say, just to make your theories sound
plausible for audiences to hear

everything I went through,
every experience I had gone through
every face of unfamiliar people I met,
kind or not, trusted or not
ally or not
went behind my back to judge and backstab me
I thought that who I was to judge you
who I was to do revenge?
I am unworthy, in fact.

An unheard explanation waiting to be heard is enough for an amount of silence traded for peace of mind.
Do we really need to know everything at all costs?
What costs us when we heard unspoken truth unfolding right before our very eyes,
heard by what our ears supposedly should not hear,
gives us pain and suffering in return.

maybe it is better to let it be.
known or unknown.
heard or not
seen or not
tangible or intangible.
does it matter? or does it not?

questions are quite tricky that was stuck in the corner of my mind
is it worth it or is it not?
to be or not to be? that is the question.
maybe Shakespeare seems to be offended of me for stealing Hamlet's dialogue
just like this poem, I intended to write it
to let my mind wander free here on Hello Poetry

sometimes, I consider myself as a cloud.
I am quite emotional. I cry a lot.
I am softhearted and sensitive.
I hate it. I go soft for things that are sincere.
I hate petty things to be fought over.
I love music, I love poems and songs
in short, I love literature.

it feels like I am stuck in a wrong era, in a wrong world
in a wrong generation, in a wrong century
everything in my life feels so wrong.

Nice try, you can't hurt me
With a single blow, once or twice
I've done that, experienced that
A couple of hundred times
I ain't coming from the wake & bake family
I need no cannabis to smoke,
I breathe the smoke they puff in
I breathe it in like an air freshener
I breathe it out like a toxic waste
You know me don't you?
Only by my name, not the real me.