There is no fear of death in me
For I am merely passing
Out of one world to another
One of pain and sin
That holds only shadows of pure beauty
Obstructed by the ghastlyness
Of the imitation of perfection
Passing through on unto
To a world of revealed beauty
With the King upon his throne
Reigned in clouds of glory
Soon his arms will reach me
Oh the radiance of his face

2.2014.

The only thing that I really remember about love is the ache of how much it hurts when they take theirs back and leave you alone.

it is a good thing that I am not idle in my waiting

She was stripped down
To the least she had ever been
Laid bare of all comforts
And it was only then
That she found herself
For she had not been able
To see before
Because eyes lie
And dreams conspire
And we are much more
Than we seem at surface



**Depth

To me you are the whole world
So I don't know how you could even think
That you are not enough

I cannot show you the palms of my hands
*For I keep my heart not in my chest
But clasped between my fists
Each holding a half
Of a heart

We are all a little bit crazy
But
I am only truly mad when I am alone

I thought I was so strong


Until I met you


And you had strength


That was greater than my own


And now I am even stronger


Because true strength


Does not fight others that are strong


True strength lifts up


Those who are weak from fighting


And that is why


You are strong

And we can carry on

Together

I have stars in my eyes
So that I can see in the dark

You tasted like death.

Such a sweet flavor
That my whole being
Craved for 'just a taste'
My tongue sticking
To the roof of my mouth
In anticipation

Just one bite
And it will be enough

Just one last bite...

I cling to you
As though you were
The edge of a cliff
And all below me
Such a great distance
If I were to fall

I wish to let go
Of this ledge
At the same time
I grasp at it
For all that I am

These thoughts run
Through my head
Like sirens in the night
But never reaching me in time

I have no sure footing
Not a single leg
That I can stand upon
Oh how weak I am
In spirit and in stamina

What is this life
That I hold on
Why even try to stay
In such a ethereal existence
I am but a fool

My mind is filled
With everything that I loath
These memories that trace
Their stupid scars across my mind
Over and over
Like a beaten path

Only thorns.
You cannot claim roses
In this garden of rocks
In this garden of thoughts.
And oh the weeds
That you would pull them up
By their stubborn roots

Such a tangle is this
My life
My head
My heart
Like a sweater cast off the needles
I unravel
I am undone
All my efforts in vain
Again I say
I am but a fool
But a wise one at that

If I could make stars
I would not put them
In the northern sky
I would hold them in my hands,
For you to see such thing
Because if I cannot give it to you
I do not want such a thing

If you are not part of it
I want no part

Still as a small child
Oh though,
she had the biggest of hearts
To match her wide eyes
And to her
All the earth was wondrous
Yet appearances have great deception

Now she cannot,
Even see the same light
Her heart was touched
By cold, dark hands
Her body broken
By those sworn to protect it

And lies
So many lies
She them keeps woven in her hair
And under her fingernails

She sleeps with both eyes open
Or not at all

She walks with both feet
Upon the ground
But never with her head
In the clouds

And a knife strapped to her fear
To stab at her thoughts
As they try to run away

But into the night
She whispers,
"Do you know what it is like?
To watch yourself die?
To have little pieces of yourself  broken off and throw away?
And still make everyone believe that you are, okay.

I'm fine.

Have you ever felt like the whole world was sitting upon your shoulders? Because those who are meant to carry the weight, pushed it off, onto the frail shoulders of a child.

Have you seen it?

Have you felt it?
The hollowness inside, when everything that brought you fires of joy ... dims like a candle to long in it's burning."

Because I have.
I know many secrets.
I have traced them into my skin
Which is why,
Now.
I cannot forget them.

They are a part of me
This is why
I cry every night to sleep
Such a salty sentiment

But there is no rest for the weary

I really just don't like alot of things
I don't even like myself

You smell like Memories

...
and I can barely stomach the taste

Things are going to change again
and I don't think I'll ever be ready

I do remember
Feeling that way before
Still the tension rises
Like bread out in the sun
I simply cannot forget,
The depth of this ache
Like a tooth ready to pull

But this tatse
I turn it over in my mouth
I do not savor the flavor
But I cannot spit it out

It goes down easy
I wish it would catch in my throat
And as it settles in my belly
It's weight familiar in my stomach

She is not kind.
She is demanding.
She is not forgiving.
Not does she forget.

Time and time again we dance
My feet know the beat
Still I weary as the music rises
Like the sun over the skyline
But she has no awakening
For she does not sleep,
Or allow rest in her presence;
Which is a blessing in a curse
For sleep brings the depths of my mind to part of my heart that it hates most, while the weariness of my body is tested,
on and on she goes.

I do not break
But I bend and I bend
Over and over again
And the pain of the bend
Clears my mind
Oh I wish that she were clouded
Like the sky in a storm
Rain on, rain on
I seek no clarity in this
I am worn
I am stretched
I am almost spent
Only the change in my pockets remain

Still you have no empathy
And pity does me no good

Oh **Fear that you would leave me

But I would hate to be alone

Oh Anxiety that you would abandon

This that you have made.

The way you make me feel

...

Reminds me
of how parking lots smell

...

after it has just rained

"But atleast you are happy."

Who am I to even long for sleep
When I have been given these stars in there ethereal beauty
For such a sight can only be given to a few in the dark
I must keep this secret
Or I to will be extinguished like a  candle to long in it's burning
Sleep is such a sweet comfort
If only the thoughts in my head were inclined as such
Yet I am resolved to this
That every night I look upon the stars in the sky
That I would remember you in my heart
For such a beautiful thought shall not be forgotten

If you cannot love me
For who I am

The broken heart
At the bottom of the sea

Then I ask
Only one thing of you

That you would leave me
Just as you found me

If I cannot grow old with you
Then can I stay young forever
For a life without you
Is not the life I can live

She is quiet
In all but her thoughts
Still in part it seems a curse
Do have a lame mouth
Paired with a mind that runs
A mile every minute

This still is why
She is so weary at heart
Though she dare not move
Or even rise in the morning
Though in her solitary mind
She has already encompassed
Every hardship in the world

Who am I
To know the course of life

Who are you
To question such a thing

Who are we
To bind our souls together

When we both know
That eternity will tear them apart

Time is no respect of persons
She pays no heed to manners
And tears do not urge her spirit

For what is life
That we can change circumstances
That clocks would listen to our plight
That the sun shine all of our days

No, we are only responsible for ourselves
So we can only change such
I would not trust a mortal with the placing of the stars
So how can I even show you such a thing as my heart?

I try to stay far away from you
Because when we are together
It's like putting a toaster
In a bathtub full of water

I have had kisses that have meant nothing
Simply an aftertaste made of cardboard and regrets

And now it seems my life is made of such

We are so eager to **** ourselves just to be enough



...for a world that doesn't even deserve us

Out of all the things that could have broken my heart why, why was it you.

I truly was a lover of life
Until my heart was broken
And my soul was weary and spent

I am no great judge of character
Except to critique my own*

And maybe that is my greatest fault
That I see things in myself
That do not belong
And those that do cling to me?
I dare not let them go

Time merely changes circumstances
People not so much
Slowly we are worn down
To our thinnest layer
And what is this
That I would live
A life made only of regrets
With a heart
That does not even beat
And my greatest accomplishment is this
That I have walked with many souls made of stars
And I have learned nothing
Except that I am made of glass
All I have seen
Is that which you have shown me
Whatever I have tasted
Is not as sweet as your kisses
For everything I feel
Is not with my own heart

You were to much
To simply remain a memory
All that you were in life
Shall rest in my heart

I try to hide the trembling of my fingers
In the depth of my pockets
But they are to shallow

Like the water we walk in
I am still so unsure
Just as the tide is untamed
Each wave has a pull
To bring me under
Only to push me away
Just like the rest of the world

I know rejection for it is part of me
Some say that blood is thicker than water
I must insist though the contrary
That saltwater flows through my veins
What else to give me such a spirit

And still I try to hide
The tremble of my fingers
The cold of my heart pulls all warmth from my limbs
I am anxious and filled with sorrow Rather than the heat of a heart

My wildest dream is this
That I would mean to you
What you have always been to me

I struggle with the fact that you are no longer part of this world that loves you so much.

Now all that they love is your memory.

I miss you.

Trigger Warning: Suicide**

No matter what happens to me physically or emotionally
My bamboo still grows
Whether it snows or storms or I cry buckets of tears
Even if my birth giver screams at me
The bamboo still stretches for the sky

It is a focal point

Still if my favorite bar customer commits suicide
I might forget to water it
If my brother gets in a car accident
The bamboo still grows
I guess to say that there is constant in a world of change and to cling to anything is futile
But to love what you are blessed with while you have it is a beautiful thing
To remember is also sweet, but it can be bitter
And I love my memories even if they are in my heart and not between my hands

What is familiar to us we hold most dear
The dying warmth in the fireplace that was our love
Oh how quickly we forget to add the kindling
To soon does the light fade on either side of your nose
Still you look into the night, searching
For that which you know, but have never had
You grasp for life with your barren hands
Yet it slips through your fingers as if it was made of water
For the flow of life is fickle and who can know it's course
Silent and serpentine these dreams pass
Through my sheets and on into the night
What poor unfortunate sinner do they seek next
I am all I have ever said, and I do not speak well of the dead
Your words are knives pulled from a mouth of swords
Your eyes are fire pulled from hells firy columns
Still you light my way, I am a fool to follow
But this is familiar, to my old soul
She who has scorned you, still calls your name
Never should she have even know it, but fools live and die
You must not answer, still you do,
but fools live and die
For you long for what is familiar to you
She  will follow, with the lust of her hands
To seek us in a place that no man knows
For where can that be, is it the garden
From whence God cast his children
Is it the sky, where Orion was scythed by his children
Or still yet the dessert where no water is found
Still now I see it, yet I do not know
For is it where none can ever go
Is is your heart , within your self
You live there, and die there, and can never get out
For you know this place, but do not even know yourself