Yesterday i was high on hopes, high on love, high on the future adventures in and of life, but now... now im 6 feet deep in a grave of depression, wanting to **** myself. Dont be alarmed, im not going to, and im sorry this message comes out of knowwhere, very random of me, i know, im sorry, but i have to let this out somehow and to someone. These thoughts eat me alive, especially at night, because im alone with them... but if you think about it wherher its night at 6 am or any other time of the day where sun is bright in the sky, im still alone with these same thoughts. They pop up randomly everywhere. I try to control them, like they said, like YOU said, but i cant seem to, like AT ALL, not even in the slightest. From a mix of overthinking and seeing other people being happy with themselves and their lives, i stop and wonder, why cant that be me? Why cant i have that happiness? And i alsp wonder... for them... is it real happiness? Are they facing the same things but just able to put on a brave enough face to make it SEEM as if theyre truly happy? Or am i just alone in this? I'd like to think that im not. And I'd like to know that im not but the constant thought that i am is driving me... INSANE. I sound crazy right? I am crazy right? No ones even gonna hear this. No ones even gonna see this and read it and or care. I could plaster it all over the walls of everywhere i got whether it be school, or work or my house or walmart or starbucks or any other ******* place(excuse my language) its not gonna ******* matter. (Again excuse my language) i could spell it out to you and everyone esle or even yell it out "I NEED HELP!! PLEASE HELP ME!!" But thats all you see it as, as a needless cry for help or just that i want attention. Im just the boy crying depression and suicide. IM NOT. I... NEED... HELP. I dont know why im writing this and recording this or even opening up about this to YOU and a bunch of strangers, but maybe because its strangers and you cant see my face and look me in my eyes and see my pain then maybe it makes it easier to tell... someehat besides all the overthinking thoughtd that make me not wanna continue this (writing this and recording this, not life... just for clarification). Ive tried. Time and time again. But its always gotten me nowhere. Maybe i tried to hard. Maybe i didnt try enough or maybe i didnt try in the right time when it was convenient to you enough to help. Or msybe its vise versa. Maybe you didnt try. Or maybe you didnt try enough. Or maybe im just using my pain and guilt to throw it on you to make myself feel better. Who knows. Maybe ill never know. Its too late anyways. Sorry for wasting your precious time. Bye.
To anyone possibly taking the time to read all of that, it is not about me, it is only dialogue for a book im writing about teenage depression to try to make people aware of teenage depression and suicide, which i know some people already aware of it, i just want to try to show it first hand from a teenage perspective of actually talking about what it may look like, if that makes sense, im sorry if it doesnt, its early in the a.m. so im kinda out of it, but yeah, its dialoge for a characrer in a book im working on, not sure the name of it yet or when itll be finished but hopefully itll help make more people aware. Much love to all, hope you all have a nice day, and stay safe with all thats going on and until next time, M. Signing out✌🏽
