Last week, Cortney moved into a four story apartment
with seven twenty-something year old roomates, all boys.
The men share the first three floors.
while Cortney has the enire top floor to herself.
I spent the night there saturday night.
And around 10:00pm
a twenty-three year old boy
Blonde, baby faced, named Kevin Smith
stumbled drunk into Cortneys penthouse room.
Kevin smith removed his pants, and crawled into bed with us.
Kevin Smith nuzzled into my face, pulled me close, and rested his hand,
firmly on my ***.
Kevin Smiths breath smelled of ***, coffee, (and a man who regularly brushes his teeth.
Good Job Kevin Smith.)
At first, Cortney and I assumed Kevin Smith was each other.
after further, mostly-unconcious, inventory of our limbs,
we gathered this was neither the case, nor a hallucination.
Cortney flopped dryly for her cellphone and shined it's light at Kevin Smith.
"What the ****" Shouted Cortney.
No response from Kevin Smith.
"What the ****!!"
We got out of bed and put clothes on,
laughed at how ridiculous it was
that a drunk stranger just grabbed my ***,
while an unconcious Kevin Smith laid in Cortneys bed.
Kevin Smith sat up
"This is really telling. I uh..."
Cortney cut him off
"Get out."
As she turned on the light.
"Can you guys call my phone?" Asked Kevin Smith,
"No." Said Cortney
Get out of my room."
physically pushing Kevin Smith out of her room.
Cortney held up Kevin Smiths drunk zanax filled body on the stairs.
preventing Kevin Smith from otherwise falling down said stairs and dying.
Kevin Smith showed his appreciation by saying,
"High fives all around"
I watched Cortney strattle drunk Kevin Smith awkwardly, yet also motherly
down the stairs.
I leaned over the railing and high fived Kevin Smith.
"I just want you to know," mumbled Kevin Smith
you guys are my friends.
You don't need to.. I got this".
"No, you really don't" said Cortney,
"if you fall down or throw up on me
you owe me $20"
Cortney delivered Kevin Smith to his bed.
Kevin Smith mumbled something, and Cortney returned upstairs.
"What the ****?" Laughed Cortney.
"What the ****." I replied.

Dear Mr first name only somethings ya do dont really
make sense.
But even a drunk like me has to say it's enough.
Cause my drunk *** cant even stand let alone  strattle a fence.

Points was  the first straw  my invisable friend.
To make ten comments for a point.
Well i got far better things to do with my weekend.

And one night as from the bar i did crawl.
Thought i was just drunk off my ***.
But dam if ya didnt take down the wall.

But it's okay cause if ya wanna be on the list
you can always buy a place.
Ya know your dealing with poets right?
Hey some kid just took his parents credit card
and stole my place.

Mr Elliot  should i stay silent in fear.
It's hard to shut a good drunk up.
Was it you that put that horse head in my bed
and drank all my beer?

And while certin people gave us the name
they gave my foggy mind a idea to.
If ya keep us going at each other  then
that keeps us fom going after you.

Mr Elliot  please dont  read this and
make me dissapear.
For I'll take refuge  in my pub.
hide behind the women  and gaurd the rear.

Yes im the ressident ******* and clown.
The bartender to the masses.
Who preaches drink up and get down.

If it aint broke Mr Elliot lets **** with it till   it  is.
Let me hand ya a beer.
Shake it up good and watch it fizz.

Hello I hope this isnt goodbye.
Cause it just aint  much fun without Gonzo.
Im a drunk a *** a nut a pervert and a pretty nice guy.

Dear Mr Elliot sending me away wasnt  very nice.
When i think vacation  I think sun and sand.
Not the north pole  hey were the ***** santa?
Well  least for my drinks i got pleanty of ice.

Trying to describe the day that I finally gave up is nearly impossible.
It created in me this uneasiness,
But now I'm overwhelmed with a calm I can hardly verbalize.
I stood on the hillside,
Under the stars,
Then I rolled up my sleeve,
And saw my scars.
All the while,
Trying to smile,
When memories started surface.
I was reminded of all the slicings of that ****** blade across my arm,
And all the thoughts of self harm,
That it brought.
How I just wanted to rot,
And tear up the inner walls of my mind.
All I wanted was to find...
That authentic happiness that resided in so many of my peers.
Not finding it brought me to tears.
My eyelids were swolen.
And so was my heart.
It reeked of fumes that could tear you apart.
All the inner sores that were held within my being,
Were caused by my fears, anxieties, and paranoia.
Being held captive by them, while hiding in plain sight, is obliterating... to one!
I crave a gift... rare and precious, that so many have the capacity and strength to hold.
...that electricity that makes them look alive and vibrant... I wanted it.
I miss the days of constant oblivion, when nothing was there to muddy my understandings of life's complications.
Nothing was there to distort the view I once had... so long ago.
...or so I thought.
Obviously something was there.
And whatever it was, it allowed me to transition to one world to the next. I was in nothingness, and suddenly transported to another dimension of suffering and sorrow...
Of brokenness and devastation.
Obviously something was there.
Because I non-intentionally allowed it to intertwine with myself today.
My thoughts,
My feelings,
My decisions,
And everything that's me.
As I strattle this in between line of feeling lost and broken,
I see myself growing.
Extending in size and strength.
I see myself learning,
And becoming wiser.
I'm learning how to grow as an individual, on the verge of adolescence.
And doing so was a milestone for me.
Overtime I became someone,
Who possessed enough strength and capacity to not be paralyzed in the presence of hardships,
Or to not feel numb or emotionless when pushed around by someone.
I changed.  I M M E N S E L Y !