I swallowed you and
though about swallowing the gun

I licked the taste of you off my lips and
thought about licking off the rest of the chemicals

You're hands wrapped around my throat and
I wished they were a rope

I left scratches on your back and
thought about scratching my veins open

We kissed in the pool and
I imagined sinking to the bottom

Loving you was just a distraction from hating myself

please dont like me too much
i will tear you apart
please dont like me too much
this was over from the start
please dont like me too much
as if im some sort of art
we were never going to make it
when another has my heart

I know I said that I wouldn't write too much anymore but now it's all I can drag myself to do.
I almost called the suicide hotline 20 minutes ago because I was sad and the days seem to drag and I try to make myself look happy but I'm so ******* miserable underneath Especially on nights like these.
I sit and I cry and I cry and I cry and nothing helps.
I took a shower so hot that my entire body turned bright red and stood in it until I felt nothing. I picked up a pencil and tried to draw but my hand didn't move and I made eye contact with myself in the mirror and I cried again .
I hate the way I look when I cry, and that made me cry harder.
I want to eat again but that'd be the fourth time today and I'm too afraid to.
The kids across the hall are getting drunk and I can hear them stumbling around and I wonder what it's like to be them right now.
I'm not writing this to get attention, I'm writing this to get it off my chest.
I feel a little bit better now.
I'll be fine tomorrow.

jeg vil bare ik indse det ej jo
srry bby, but mama told me no ;(((((((((((
kakao
armeridder
roulade
lakrids
jeg kan faktisk ikke lide lakrids eller dig

its yur birthday
happy birthday
i miss u alot
i'm srry

I'm feeling lonely. Try to reach out to u but you far away with out a  trace you seem me crying though out the night why u left me. Why u couldn't lift me up when I need you the most now you got me looking like I haven't eating in years. My mind is not the same because you abuse my train of thoughts with your insecurities now you gone  and I'm the one who partaken with those self esteem problems. Everyday I sit in my room Wondering if u going call rocking back and forth to the sound of the rain hoping you come back *** I DNT think im going find a love like u , but wait was. Tht love? I'm starting to think maybe it wasn't I mean my MoMA didn't tell about love and daddy well I didn't know him so maybe it wasn't love maybe i was getting mistreated *** I didn't know my worth. Tht I'm a queen and  you should had treating me as a beautiful lady tht I am but you didn't I got these scars to prove it you beat me day and night for 15 years  call me ugly when I dress up to only to come home with a srry card and the mental and physical abuse will continue. Itell you to go  but 5 min later call back.smh why why why I was doing this to myself . But I'm writing you my first love or wat I think is my first to say thank you.  I'm woke I'm happy and I can tell you first hand i do really feel sorry for you and I hope your seed u put in me doesn't grow up hating himself *** the color of his skin because I saw u one day with a white girl and heard u treat her better and  word on the streets she only there for tht fetish but hey it time for u to be a fool.  karma is so sweet when it comes around.

Remember when you told me you thought you were incapable of loving someone or even liking them in an emotionally romantic way? Did u mean that?

Srry I know we haven’t talked in a while and this is kinda out of the blue but i realized i feel the same way

it’s like i try to connect with someone on that level, that intimate level, where i try to let them in enough to where i feel like they can really see me, and then i just hit a wall

but i feel like i’m always working towards that connection. you know? like everyone wants to be seen.

but it’s stupid because every time i get close enough to that vulnerable visibility i can’t bare to be around that person anymore. every bit of my body revolts and i have to get away from anyone who could possibly see me. i have to get as far away as possible as fast as possible

and i always thought it was just a case of the wrong person

that they weren’t the right one the one who would make me feel comfortable enough
and the next one i picked would be better

but it’s never like that

and maybe it’s not the other person
maybe they’re just doing and feeling what two people who are romantically involved should do and should feel

maybe i’m in the wrong

like i don’t think i can love someone because being close to people makes me feel disgusted with myself

anyways what i’m saying is if u do feel like that i think i get it