open letter to the man i fell in love with two years ago: sometimes i cry myself to sleep thinking about the many ways i could say sorry. that i never had enough time to make up for the time that we lost, hating each other, for things that were not our fault. i never meant to cut pieces of your tongue off and cause you to lose control of your words. i will never have enough strength to apologize for the things that never were. you taught me how to love myself more than any other man could teach me and i ended up hating every little thing that had the ring of your name to it. sometimes i find myself feeding on little pieces of you that you rejected. they are the only things that keep me alive and love, i promise you that this heart i am giving to you has more defects than the ringworms and maggots that still infest yours. and i still could never love a thing more than i loved the thing that you were. sometimes i refrain myself from telling you the things i used to. you are still beautiful to me and baby i never loved you because of your looks. realize that you always meant a thing to me even though everyday you tore off more and more pieces of you that didn't make sense. darling i learned to pick up those pieces and form the walls of my heart and bandage the wounds that you managed to create BABY I AM CREATING MYSELF WITH THE VERY SAME THINGS YOU ARE USING TO DESTROY YOURSELF YET THERE STILL COULDN'T BE A MORE OF A YOU FOR ME TO LOVE. you remind me of a father, you wanted to stay but you left and i am sorry for being that stumbling block that kept you in the way but baby THANK ME FOR BEING THE ONLY REASON WHY YOU DIDN'T JUMP. i am sorry, for creating a monster out of the monsters you were trying to escape from. but now we're both trapped, and I'm sorry i never did anything to free us. but there's one thing you must never forget. i loved you. i did. i gave myself to you and im sorry i ruined a thing for the both of us but you never loved me. and that girl that you call your girlfriend, she's been there longer but baby i love you more. and i will love you more than she could ever lay eyes on you. i love you more than she could ever love you.
excuse the mess i made. i tend to bleed on things that don't know how to manage these cuts. my throat doesn't know how to stop slitting itself with the held back tears of an old woman who has loved too long.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. but I love you. I still love you.