Osas, there's a certain darkness in me. I can't explain it, but I don't curse the darkness, because it's where we found each other. After I found you, I stopped searching for rainbows in the far reaches of the sky, you were my sunshine. You cast away my troubles and wrestled my demons. You were the missing piece that finally made me feel whole. That’s funny, because you always said that being whole is overrated, it's the holes that make us beautiful. You always made me feel beautiful. Even though the beautiful moments we once had are slowly fading, turning from vivid to grey. I can still feel your palm, gentle on my blushing cheek, stroking my hair backwards, tucking every curly strand behind my ears. The same ears you'd whisper a bouquet of wonderful words into. We were sweet together once.

You see, I wasn’t always a hot-tempered ****** like you’d often call me. I hated that word, “******”. No! I am not a ******, I am not hot-tempered, I am not viscous lava, I am not fire. I am the phoenix that rose out of the flames you lit. The same fire you came running into, but while trying to save me, you forgot to save yourself.

You were the erupting volcano. You were vicious and violent. You were a deadly collection of everything vile. You were hot and cold, you were yes and no. Did you even love me at all? I guess I will never truly know.

Ok, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry I wrote that last paragraph. I know you loved me dearly. I'm only scraping for a reason to hate you; to cleanse my conscience. I feel so stupid right now. I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking about that night. The error of my deed still haunts me. The least I can do is to keep writing you back to life, writing back into my arms.

I got 12 years; I'll be out of here just in time for menopause. I never cared much about having unruly, noisy, silly little babies running riot, leaving a trail of ****, puke and toy cars lying around. But I cared about you. I still care about you deeply Osas.

We were of the same form, you and I. Passionately understanding each other's darkness. You understood me perfectly. Better than all the others before you. You knew how fragile my heart and mind was, yet you broke both. Why? I was crazy in love with you, you took away the love and left me plain crazy.

I hate the drugs they give me here, it numbs my mind and takes away the pain, but why will I want that to go away, when the pain is all I have left of us? I feel so hollow inside, I’m an emotionless wreck now. I have lost myself! Maybe if I dig deeper, I'd discover an avalanche of emotions still buried inside me. Sandwiched between my ice-cold heart and the poisonous blood coursing through my veins. The same veins I want to expose to the spirits in the wind, and as my warm blood pours on this cold concrete like leaves on a forest floor, I’d finally be at peace. I hope to find peace in death, for death is not a dark abyss, but a ladder to light - an ascension to another realm. And in that realm I hope to find you, my darling, to explain to you why I did it. Why I pushed you off the balcony.

I’m sorry, but I couldn't look you in the face anymore. You disgusted me! I saw you with her in the breakroom at the office party. Yes! I saw you on your knees with your face in between her thighs! Even though you claimed she seduced you, I still saw you! I can't get that horrid image out of my head. It was in that moment I knew I couldn't live another day hearing you tell me another lie.

I got a blade today, from a lady in the shower, after I let her touch me in all the right places, still it felt so wrong. You have no idea how hard it is to find even the simplest sharp object in here. Random body cavity searches, routine cell shakedowns, constant reminders that I have and I am nothing. At least she was gentle when she slid her fingers inside me. Aunty Julianna was never gentle whenever she touched me in the bathroom stall at church camp.

I’ve truly lost myself, Osas. Nothing, and no one, can make me whole again. I’m covered in holes now and I don’t feel beautiful anymore. I feel bitter, sad and shattered. Even mirrors no longer lie to me. I see myself for what I am now - a monster.

"I have to do this, this is the only way." I calmly reassure myself, while clutching the rusty blade and pressing its jagged edge against my deathly pale skin.

"Calm down Adesuwa, you’re having an episode again." A voice echoed from the corner of my dark cell. Your voice. But still I didn’t believe.

"Is that you Osas?" I whispered. "Have you come to forgive me or have you come for retribution?"

"Here's your dinner." said the prison guard, before spotting the blade and sounding the alarm. I was on my belly before I could say a word, my arm bent behind me, my fingers pried open... my ladder gone.

Another day. I guess I’ll die another day.

Desabrigan en altos Monumentos
Cenizas generosas, por crecerte;
Y altas ruinas, de que te haces fuerte,
Más te son amenaza que cimientos.
De venganzas del Tiempo, de escarmientos,
De olvidos y desprecios de la Muerte,
De túmulo funesto, osas hacerte
Árbitro de los Mares y los Vientos.
Recuerdos y no Alcázares fabricas;
Otro vendrá después que de sus torres
Alce en tus huesos fábricas más ricas.
De ajenas desnudeces te socorres,
Y procesos de mármol multiplicas;
Temo que con tu llanto el suyo borres.

¿Por qué persistes, incesante espejo?
¿Por qué duplicas, misterioso hermano,
el movimiento de mi mano?
¿Por qué en la sombra el súbito reflejo?

Eres el otro yo de que habla el griego
y acechas desde siempre. En la tersura
del agua incierta o del cristal que dura
me buscas y es inútil estar ciego.

El hecho de no verte y de saberte
te agrega horror, cosa de magia que osas
multiplicar la cifra de las cosas

que somos y que abarcan nuestra suerte.
Cuando esté muerto, copiarás a otro
y luego a otro, a otro, a otro, a otro…

Con acorde concento, o con rüidos
músicos, ensordeces al gusano,
para que los enojos del verano
no atienda, ni del cielo los bramidos.
No es piedad confundirle los sentidos;
codicia sí, guardándole, tirano,
para que su mortaja con su mano
hile y, en su mortaja, tus vestidos.
Nació paloma, y, en tu seno, el vuelo
perdió; gusano, arrastra despreciado,
y osas llamar tu vil cautela celo.
Tal fin tendrá cualquiera desdichado
a quien estorba oír la voz del cielo,
con músico alboroto, su pecado.

¿Podrá el vidro llorar partos de Oriente?
¿Cabrá su habilidad en los crisoles?
¿Será la Tierra adúltera a los Soles,
Por concebir de un horno siempre ardiente?
¿Destilarás en baños a Occidente?
¿Podrán lo mismo humos que arreboles?
¿Abreviarán por ti los Españoles
El precioso naufragio de su gente?
Osas contrahacer su ingenio al día;
Pretendes que le parle docta llama
Los secretos de Dios a tu osadía.
Doctrina ciega y ambiciosa fama:
El oro miente en la ceniza fría,
Y cuando le promete, le derrama.

Ha muerto Rubén Darío,
        ¡el de las piedras preciosas!
Hermano, ¡cuántas noches tu espíritu y el mío,
unidos para el vuelo, cual dos alas ansiosas,
sondar quisieron ávidas el Enigma sombrío,
más allá de los astros y de las nebulosas!

          Ha muerto Rubén Darío,
          ¡el de las piedras preciosas!

¡Cuántos años intensos junto al Sena vivimos,
engarzando en el oro de un común ideal
los versos juveniles que, a veces, brotar vimos
como brotan dos rosas a un tiempo de un rosal!

Hoy tu vida, inquieta cual torrente bravío,
en el Mar de las Causas desembocó; ya posas
las plantas errabundas en el islote frío
que pintó Böckin... ¡ya sabes todas las cosas!

          Ha muerto Rubén Darío,
          ¡el de las piedras preciosas!

Mis ondas rezagadas van de las tuyas; pero
pronto en el insondable y eterno mar del todo
se saciara mi espíritu de lo que saber quiero:
del Cómo y del Porqué, de la Esencia y del Modo.

Y tú, como en Lutecia las tardes misteriosas
en que pensamos juntos a la orilla del Río
lírico, habrás de guiarme... Yo iré donde tu osas,
para robar entrambos al musical vacío
y al coro de los orbes sus claves portentosas...

          Ha muerto Rubén Darío
          ¡el de las piedras preciosas!