If it wasn't raining, were we really together?
I remember sitting in the backseat of your dads car with you for hours because I was allergic to cats, and your house was the safe haven for two of them. We drew pictures on the condensed windows and watched them slowly fade, we teased your friends through text messages, you let me into your world, and I was intrigued. It was the first time you ever held me in your arms, and I never wanted to move.
The next time I saw you we walked around town and found ourselves following a little path by the water. Our rumbling stomachs spoke more than we did, and when we decided to get food, the sky decided that we were probably thirsty half-way there. It poured. We ran all the way to the Muscle Maker Grill in a storm only to find that it was closed. I remember laughing, I remember the, 'you've got to be kidding's' I remember settling for the little corner store all the way by your house. You bought me my favourite Italian Cookies, you got yourself a sandwich.. I remember you complaining about having to pick out the bread and give it to them because it was their job. I remember sitting on your front steps eating our "lunch." We talked about the squirrels, and how they do things they don't want to do. How though the squirrel wants the nut, he can't reach it, and he must leave it. We spoke about us in metaphors. You told me you wanted me back, you told me you could never do that. I told you I'd never stop trying.
I also remember the night you walked with me to my aunts house because I was too scared to walk alone. You told me that nothing would happen to me, and if anything were, we would go down together. You never made me feel wrong for being so nervous -you didn't understand, but you never made me feel bad. It rained on my way home that night.
The next time I saw you was a year later. Your house was knocked down and remodeled. Your cat had decided to make a home within your neighbors house during that period. I saw you dad outside, you saw me through the window - I was nervous. Sitting on your couch, I watched you connect the wireless music for your guardians -your aunt kept complimenting you, trying to get any sight reaction out of me to see what we actually were. I've never known what we were.
I remember the first time I went to dinner with you, your father, and your aunt at Green Dragon. I enjoyed it although they found my diet and my lack of appetite a little odd. And they asked me questions about college that I was a little nervous to answer. I remember the bought us gum, and then departed to the 99 cent store. They expected us to kiss. We didn't. I wanted to. I think. By the time they came back, the windows were drenched in raindrops.
Anyway, the day I went over your house was the day you let me leave carelessly. We spent hours together -talking at Strawberry Fields, walking down the little path, watching the ocean, making sandwiches in your kitchen, showing me around your house -visiting your bedroom. I will never forget how we hugged when saying goodbye and I said, "don't be a stranger," and you said "bye."
You told me you were indifferent about me -couldn't care whether or not we kept in touch. So I said goodbye. But I still think about you sometimes. You were the first boy I swore I loved, and maybe I have a different definition now, but by god, I loved you with my whole heart, even though through the years all you did was break it apart. It didn't rain that day.
I still miss you sometimes. Still wonder about you. And wonder if you wonder about me too. How is it that you held my heart and crushed it without even straining a muscle?
It doesn't rain much anymore in the dingy old town.
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