Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
nathanthepoet Mar 2013
MY NADS MY NADS MY GLORIOUS ******, FOR SOME TO VIEW , AND OTHERS TO TOUCH, YOU SEE & TOUCH , FOR NOT THAT MUCH xD!
"There's a bit of ******* at the bottom of our most sublime feelings and our purest tenderness."                          Denis Diderot

"I hang onto my prejudices, they are the testicles of my mind."
                                                          ­                           Eric Hoffer
                  
"A writer who presents men and women as creatures truncated below the waist is exposed as one who goes about without his trousers saying, 'see, I have had my testicles removed."        Norman Lindsay

"If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it."
                                                                ­                         Linda J. Furney

"I saw some amazing, beautiful, invigorating parts of America, but I saw some dark parts of America, an ugly side of America, a side of America that rarely sees the light of day. I refer, of course, to the **** and testicles of my co-star, Ken Davitian."     Sacha Baron Cohen

"One hundred women are not worth a single *******."     Confucius

"You’re such a crybaby. (Tee) Let me almost shoot off one of your testicles and see how you cope. (Joe) You shouldn’t have moved, Joe. It was your fault. (Tee) Yeah, everything’s my fault. (Joe) Good, then we agree. (Tee)"                                                    Sherril­yn Kenyon

"Women don't have ***** and they don't want *****. That amateur psychology crap that women want penises. And they certainly don't want testicles. Because you know no women in her right mind is going to carry around a bag that she can't put stuff in."  Bobby Slayton

"I had an ASU student looking for it in my shop last week, and he defined the Bacchants for me as 'those drunk chicks who killed that one dude because he wouldn't have *** with them.' His professors must be so proud. I asked him if he knew what maenads were, and instead of correctly answering that it was just another name for Bacchants, he bizarrely thought I was referring to my own testicles - as in, "'Ere now, mate, don't swing that bat around me nads.'" The conversation deteriorated quickly after that."             Kevin Hearne

"I am not a fan of Sigmund Freud because his theories are not *******."                                                       ­           Richard Wiseman

"I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself."                        George Carlin

"My voice is the only material thing in which I can still reveal myself. Go ahead and cut off the hand or the testicles of a voice. Try to find the head of a voice, the orifice through which it passes, or even the ******* to which you can attach the clips of your electrodes. Nothing. Resonant tooth."                                                         Abdellatif Laabi

"Beware of averages. The average person has one breast and one *******."                                                       ­ Dixie Lee Ray

"I would rather eat my own testicles than reform The Smiths, and that's saying something for a vegetarian."           Steven Morrissey

"We all know what feminists are. They are shrill, overly aggressive, man-hating, ball-busting, selfish, hairy, extremist, deliberately unattractive women with absolutely no sense of humor who see sexism at every turn. They make men's testicles shrivel up to the size of peas, they detest the family and think all children should be deported or drowned."                                 Susan J. Douglas

"Touch her, and I'll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?"                                                     ­ Julie Kagawa

"My writing routine is everyday I put a record on, the same one since 20 years. Then I burn a stick of incense, I put perfume here on the insides of my soles, I paint my left ******* red, and I write."
                                                         ­       Alejandro Jodorowsky

"The ******, which has come to represent Canada as the eagle does the United States and the lion Britain, is a flat-tailed, slow-witted, toothy rodent known to bite off it's own testicles or to stand under its own falling trees."                                         June Callwood
Arborvitae Nov 2014
Ahh-he-che'em ack-ahem. Sorry, let me clear my throat.

One day I set out galavanting, looking for a high.
I meandered to the ocean shore and set a lively stride.
My eyes were wet, my heart was light as I looked out at the splendor,
About that time I heard a rumble, a sudden yearning for a chicken tender.

I galloped to an eatery in hopes of a hearty meal,
But had a measly handful of coins, so I opted for a deal.
The only place I found tat would accept my sum of coins
For anything sufficient enough to satisfy my *****
Was a gritty place called Taco Bell, but it was my only choice.
The cashier was a voluptuous dame and my trousers became quite moist.

She said to me, "what will you have?", in a shockingly low-pitched voice.
I was taken aback for a moment, but stuttered, "a number six, I think".
"Comin' right up honey", he or she said with a wink.
I just smiled shyly and went to go fill up my drink.

My food was finally ready, but I was a bit wary,
I could't tell what was in my taco - squirrel, beef or canary.
My hunger pushed me through my fear and I finally took a bite,
Although skeptical at first, my taste buds did delight!

I had finally finished with my meal and was satisfied and full,
But down below my abdomen I felt a mighty pull.
I had no time I knew at once and dashed to find relief.
The single men's room was in sight, but who should be a thief?!
The cashier with the arousing bosoms had stolen my salvation...

As I stood there in that Taco Bell I felt a curious sensation.
When normally I could have held it, a complete bowel prostration.
While the **** was pouring out like a broken sink,
My mind started to wander and I couldn't help but think,
*If the women's  room is out of order, I wonder which she/he has,
A set of both, a meat-locker or a **** and nads?
David Nelson Aug 2011
Nursree-Rhymed-Rap

you got yer Jack be nimble
you got yer Jack be quick
you got yer Jack jumpin over a candle stick
he jumped so high
he almost touched the sky
you see he burnt his nads
and it made him cry

you got yer 3 little pigs
you got yer Goldilocks
you got yer big bad wolf dumber than a fox
he huffed and puffed
and took a big hit
and they all joined hands
they were smokin some ****

you got yer Little Red
you got yer 3 brown bears
sippin on soup and sittin in chairs
Red danced on the table
yeah she danced really good
the bears gave her money
to see what was under the hood

you got yer Jack and Jill
you got yer buckle my shoe
climbin that hill what they gonna do
Jack played pattycake
according to rumours
trying to get inside
of little Jill's bloomers

you got yer Little Miss Muffet
you got yer itsy bitsy spider
he made a big mistake sitting down beside her
inside her purse
she kept a can of Raid
she drenched his ****
and now he's daid

you got yer hey ****** ******
you got yer dish and spoon
you got yer old spotted cow jumpin over the moon
there's Humpty Dumpty
and the fiddling cat
the little dog laughed
to see Jack Sprat splat  

you got yer round the rosey
you got yer ba black sheep
pullin the wool over yer eyes as you sleep
****** ****** dumplin
so what is my point
whoever wrote these riddles
musta been smokin a joint

Gomer LePoet ....
TR3F1LD Sep 2023
have you ever felt like you're trapped
in a prison you self-erected & cast
yourself into? like life's something you're terrible at
existentially wack so dreadfully that
there's a reasonable question to ask
where are your testicles, chap?
'cause, like a man that commits a va[ɛ]nishing act
once he detects that his lass is expecting a brat
the way you live is cowardly; a hell of a lack
["way you leave"]
of ***** akin to sO̲mebody bereft of his nads
comfort zone ain't
much different from a coffin you are a hostage to
A̲lthough no way a freaking throat spray
will treat you okay
["coughing"]
if you want to live akin to those a[eɪ]—
—zure-hued pills treating fever or pain
["want Aleve"; "want to leave [the coffin]"]
you've gotta Beatrix Kiddo your way
outta it; in fact, I'm 'bout to evince one more way
[the "outta the grave" scene from "**** Bill: Vol. 2"]
by which you portray the thing aforenamed
that ***** reminds of a tempting she-devil; you have
["attempting"]
if you wanna feel good
to ream it, like a guy, keeping it broad, stretched like a ****
or else it's gonna be you
the one winding up f#cked, much like a chief authoritarian das—/a##—
—****/—hole when his dishono[—]rable rule
winds up effing collapsed; like a pestilent brat
you get it, but your co[ɑ]nstant pla[ɛ]n of attack
is digital escapism helping to kick aside depression, a tad
though; 'cause no matter how much you la[ɛ]m, you get back
into the real—nE̲ss that you have
which is quite a mess like a lass'
coif when she's outside, & the weather is trash
raining, just like Hussein in his presiding days (trash, reigning)
I might lO̲O̲k to be an evil-minded skate
now, but, seizing the opportunity
like some viced ***** gained
a role O̲f a rU̲ler with
an unchecked political might & aimed
at establishing a tight-grip reign inside the state
[opportunism]
I hhhooock... thooo... spit on tyrants' graves
and graves of their compliant aides (ha-ha)
without the slightest shame, I, like a crane for construction, raze
["raise"]
their heads—tones by a mace from the knightly age
bet taphophiles ain't gonna like the way
in which I behave; ones who're enviro-cray
better get fire squa[ɑ]ds awake like a rite that takes
place after someone's life has waned (a wake)
'cause I get mY̲ hands laid
on a pulverizer with spirits of wine & spray
it on those scheissers' grave—yards, then make
[German "scheißer"]
them go, like the face of someone laughing so wildly they
are about to split their sides, ablaze
the rhyme-insane, yet quite cheap, brain
is, like the most upright stiffs reign—ing for a long time, depraved
thanks to the West-produced mass
culture (tha[ɛ]nk you a stack) & has a relish/penchant for gals
with looks of models composing the "dekok plus" class
["dekok" (Esperanto) - "eighteen"]
the problem's most of those lean to[—]ward sE̲lf-confy lads
and are mostly/mainly 'bout lettuce, in fact
which makes me remember the Jack
the Ripper case (letters)
[more than 200 letters signed as "Jack the Ripper" were written]
so, as for a GF̲ for a chap
like that, having one seems like an excellent pad
[house]
for a beggar to have; impossible like a saint autocrat
(like a saint autocrat; absolute absurdity)
forget it, let's yap
I mean, let me get to something else I would yap
about; not an oriental-grown chap
but into rhyming 'cause I'm a perfectionist that
["ramen"]
takes this thing as something he's no[ɑ]t ineffectual at
if not for the aesthetical cast
["cast" in the sense of "outward form", etc.]
which is rhymes, I'd not even bother tryna express all this crap
[especially, the personal one]
'cause what's the point when nigh-on none on the web who reacts
to whatev' you say or demonstrate?
remember I had the more pleasura[—]ble past
virtual realities, not having to go to a jO̲[ɑ]b that stinks
nO̲ stupid po[ɑ]litics (these were the times)
which is ****̲te you can't take null notice of 'cA̲U̲[ɑ]se you twig
it's the post-enlightenment time gO̲ing on, A̲[ɑ]lthough it's
a giant & atrocious auto[ɑ]cracy
you abide in, as if you were related to the dude presiding
as the head of the big state kept, like a group of do[ɑ]gs in—
—volved in a mush, united; in terms of music, I̲ went
["you are Biden"]
from somewhat generic electro[ɑ]nic
sh#t, both, ba[ɛ]ngers & melo[ɑ]dic
ones to heavier & dA̲rk sh#t; however, I, regardless
still dig some graves like a fellow with boneY̲A̲rd shifts
[Christian Mochizuki, better known as "graves"]
though wouldn't tE̲ll that I am go[ɑ]thic
given that, it's okay I̲f I
["if I" is supposed to be read/pronounced as "ifa"]
would get benamed with the
word "grave-digger"'; might as well take mE̲ a
****** ***** 'kI̲n/sI̲m. ta
a playing card; though I, as I've said, am no[ɑ]t
[a card with "spades" suit]
gothic, outdoor appa[ɛ]rel's all black (all black)
like a visitor on a cemetery plat
in the course of a burial act
void inside, an atramental-hued gap (mental)
which makes me something like
a walking black hole, as well as the fact
that I'm surrounded by
space like it; kind of Arthur Fleck that's yet to turn mad
which sounds a mite
hair-curling like waving, so, before you find
yourself a bit horrified, let me get that clarified
to be more precise, a marbles-wise
lighter case, 'kin to a lighter casing
with the web to distract myself from the lack—
—luster realness, yet, with all thA̲t
flammable crap, ptui, I mean negative crap
I'm like a walking ba[ɛ]rrel with gas
it's better not to set a lit match
my way, it's appa[ɛ]rent, like a stem a pear has, a psychotherapy cab's
["a pear end"'; "cabin"/"cabinet" in the sense of "private room"]
where I should be spending the time of mine
instead of sitting in the bedroom inditing rhymes
as if you hit upon rhymes so tight
that their existence is considered a kind of crime (indicting rhymes)
but I'm the type with a b#tch of a mind: if I
have not a really distressing existence, then I am fine
like that dog sitting inside, despite
the room inside which it sits
is, like someone after an imbibing spree, lit (this is fine)
in other words, as it's been divulged not long ago
I stay pU̲t in comfort zone
like an autocratic **** roosting on the throne (scuuurred)
["****" in the sense of "****", "*****", etc.; "skirt"]
————————————————————————————————
implausible as it may sound, a bullish thought's approached
[implausible" is supposed to be read/pronounced as "implausibowl"]
my mind: I may be someone looking lost, although
I, unlike someone unable to move or gone, still go (that's the spirit!)
dull right to (like an average new-school rapper) **** nowhere
["dull writer"]
"a depressive rhymefall" by TR3F1LD (TRFLD) is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 4.0 (to view a copy of this license, visit creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/4.0)
David Nelson Mar 2013
Nursree-Rhymed-Rap

you got yer Jack be nimble
you got yer Jack be quick
you got yer Jack jumpin over a candle stick
he jumped so high
he almost touched the sky
you see he burnt his nads
and it made him cry

you got yer 3 little pigs
you got yer Goldilocks
you got yer big bad wolf dumber than a fox
he huffed and puffed
and took a big hit
and they all joined hands
they were smokin some ****

you got yer Little Red
you got yer 3 brown bears
sippin on soup and sittin in chairs
Red danced on the table
yeah she danced really good
the bears gave her money
to see what was under the hood

you got yer Jack and Jill
you got yer buckle my shoe
climbin that hill what they gonna do
Jack played pattycake
according to rumours
trying to get inside
of little Jill's bloomers

you got yer Little Miss Muffet
you got yer itsy bitsy spider
he made a big mistake sitting down beside her
inside her purse
she kept a can of Raid
she drenched his ****
and now he's daid

you got yer hey ****** ******
you got yer dish and spoon
you got yer old spotted cow jumpin over the moon
there's Humpty Dumpty
and the fiddling cat
the little dog laughed
to see Jack Sprat splat  

you got yer round the rosey
you got yer ba black sheep
pullin the wool over yer eyes as you sleep
****** ****** dumplin
so what is my point
whoever wrote these riddles
musta been smokin a joint

Gomer LePoet ....
these aren't your mama's Nursery Rhymes. :)
David Ehrgott Mar 2016
About a year ago, before the candidates were in the running.  The headlines read "Hillary defeats Satan."  I , at the time, could not understand this.  "How could this be?"  I questioned myself.  After all, wasn't she the one that handed over the POTUS position to a muslim/socialist?  And wasn't she caught with a truckload of articles that belonged to the United States when she moved out of the White House?  Yet, some women groups still believe she is the right person to steal the office.  (Remember Dickandbush, no one voted for them either. Remember?  REMEMBER?)  The Presidency is not a position that is voted by the people anymore and hasn't been decided by the public in a long, long time.  As a matter of fact, the whole election process is merely a choreographed dance or ******* if you will.

  Now to the matter of topic.  How she does it.  First she gets a crazy old man who preaches socialism is the answer to be her opponent.  Is any one in their right mind going to believe that socialism belongs anywhere on THIS PLANET!  Listen friend, if it didn't work for the Russians and the USSR then how in the hell do you think it would work here.  Some one PLEASE purchase a one-way ticket to China for Bernie boy or maybe send him to Mars.  Maybe it could work there. Okay?  She has the Democratic ticket.  In like Flint.

  Now the other side,  the Republicans had so many choices and only one of them had the nads to challenge the SUPER-PACS.   (You remember those nice scumbags that pay politicians so much money to destroy the country that they (the politicians) just have to take it.  Let's see, there once at the time was about eighteen of them.  And not one of them could match the evil wits of Satan.  I really believed at one time that he DID have a chance to beat thunder-thighs.  Then he did this.  First he stated that he was good friends with Hillary and has known her for a very long time.  Then, he did the unthinkable.  He hired the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man to tag along with him.  You remember him.  Don't you?  The guy who not only single-handedly bankrupted an entire city.  But, also gave the State of New Jersey a $384 BILLION deficit.  Great choice Donald.  Why don't you just meet Hillary in a motel for three days and you can be the next leader in about eight years or so.

  The other Republican hopefuls were 1.  Pretty Boy (he could get the eighteen year old vote but, that's about all.)  2.  *****-Nilly (just not leadership material.)  3.  BUSH? 4.  Some guy whose name sounds like a ****** disease.  5.  The Penguin, or as he put it Dracula. And other fiends of Hillary.

Sorry Folks,

The fix was in from the get go.
It's in the bag.

Let's just hope that thunder-thighs doesn't squeeze us too hard.


Oh, just one last thing.  If we limit terms in the Senate, Congress, and most importantly Supreme Court.  Then, and only then will we have an uncorrupted government.  You can thank me later.

A Poet
Steve Matthews Aug 2023
Pet owners: got a dude,
a feller, a sweet male
cat, dog, pigaroo?

Choose tiny snip,
not big rip.

think about the clinic
and your boy,
your bestest buddy,
waking groggily
to the shocking absence.

Say no to mutilation.
Say yes to a vasectomy.

Let the boys be boys,
Save The Nads.
David Ehrgott Aug 2016
Remember this one?

About a year ago, before the candidates were in the running. The headlines read "Hillary defeats Satan." I , at the time, could not understand this. "How could this be?" I questioned myself. After all, wasn't she the one that handed over the POTUS position to a muslim/socialist? And wasn't she caught with a truckload of articles that belonged to the United States when she moved out of the White House? Yet, some women groups still believe she is the right person to steal the office. (Remember Dickandbush, no one voted for them either. Remember? REMEMBER?) The Presidency is not a position that is voted by the people anymore and hasn't been decided by the public in a long, long time. As a matter of fact, the whole election process is merely a choreographed dance or ******* if you will.

Now to the matter of topic. How she does it. First she gets a crazy old man who preaches socialism is the answer to be her opponent. Is any one in their right mind going to believe that socialism belongs anywhere on THIS PLANET! Listen friend, if it didn't work for the Russians and the USSR then how in the hell do you think it would work here. Some one PLEASE purchase a one-way ticket to China for Bernie boy or maybe send him to Mars. Maybe it could work there. Okay? She has the Democratic ticket. In like Flint.

Now the other side, the Republicans had so many choices and only one of them had the nads to challenge the SUPER-PACS. (You remember those nice scumbags that pay politicians so much money to destroy the country that they (the politicians) just have to take it. Let's see, there once at the time was about eighteen of them. And not one of them could match the evil wits of Satan. I really believed at one time that he DID have a chance to beat thunder-thighs. Then he did this. First he stated that he was good friends with Hillary and has known her for a very long time. Then, he did the unthinkable. He hired the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man to tag along with him. You remember him. Don't you? The guy who not only single-handedly bankrupted an entire city. But, also gave the State of New Jersey a $384 BILLION deficit. Great choice Donald. Why don't you just meet Hillary in a motel for three days and you can be the next leader in about eight years or so.

The other Republican hopefuls were 1. Pretty Boy (he could get the eighteen year old vote but, that's about all.) 2. *****-Nilly (just not leadership material.) 3. BUSH? 4. Some guy whose name sounds like a ****** disease. 5. The Penguin, or as he put it Dracula. And other fiends of Hillary.

Sorry Folks,

The fix was in from the get go.
It's in the bag.

Let's just hope that thunder-thighs doesn't squeeze us too hard.


Oh, just one last thing. If we limit terms in the Senate, Congress, and most importantly Supreme Court. Then, and only then will we have an uncorrupted government. You can thank me later.

A Poet

Let others know if the post is worth reading and help good posts get the attention they deserve!

Think it was great?
Follow davidehrgott
Timothy Joyner Mar 2017
It was given out of a good heart
People who just wanted to help with no malicious intent

Their goodness was known from the start
But as the years passed something wicked became indent

Swaying back and forth
Falling South and North
Up then down
Then spun around

Did I hear a voice
           ?
Why did I dream of that
            !
Didn't seem a choice

You evil bed grabbing me by my nads
The aches and pains that racks my body haunt my day
Retching my innards, pulling guts so bad

Your Possessed my bed
You rack inside my head
I'll be getting rid of you

Before I'm
Dead
!
I truly need a new bed!!! >;0(
Our butts burned like fiery fire crackers & Walmart **** whackers
as I ****** your rough ******* like I was with the Green Bay Packers
Your brown, sick **** was wide-stretched, hairy & forgiving 'cause
it was as a Tijuana-pimped ***** that you made a lot-lizard's living
with Nona Hendryx before your strung-back nads started shriveling
like '68 Warsaw Pact Czechoslovakian Poles bracin' for wind stress
with Molotov cocktails, shot guns, tire tools & chock block wedges
Our butts burned like fiery fire crackers & Walmart **** whackers
as I ****** your rough ******* like I was with the Green Bay Packers
Your brown, sick **** was wide-stretched, hairy & forgiving 'cause
it was as a Tijuana-pimped ***** that you made a lot-lizard's living
with Nona Hendryx before your strung-back nads started shriveling
like '68 Warsaw Pact Czechoslovakian Poles bracin' for wind stress
with Molotov cocktails, shot guns, tire tools & chock block wedges
Bruce Jenner ***** like a she & his *** pride is testing A.I.D.S.-free
Bruce Jenner ***** like a she & his **** pride is bein' A.I.D.S.-free
Gay Bruce Jenner screws like a bee while he ****-dives H.I.V.-free
Bruce Jenner ***** like he's a she & his gay pride is livin' V.D.-free
I had pig-meat *** with Talia Shire after she threw a hog on the fire
I mailed pig-rectums to Talia Shire after she threw a hog on the fire
I stole 55 pig-anuses from Talia Shire as she tossed hogs on my fire
Bruce Jenner got knocked up man-free & so his new baby'll make 3
in a loony bin where trans-nationals make pan-nationalism their key
to ******* a ready posit into a Marxistical diktat, dictum or decree
to mixing a staid, functional fact with a Marxologically-fatal decree
I was clinically dead when I quit breathing my fat Lizzy Taylor thin
with all my blood bled out from a koala bear attack that I didn't win

— The End —