i'd like to say oh hello like mulaney
grab a pen and craft stories like ashirogi
sing from the heart like chicks from dixie
and be the top percentage like young joey

but when i look at them
i just want to be
all that i am

and drop the hat
the wisecrack
grab a chair,
listen.

1.   Hi, my name is James                              ( I know that sounds like a start to a really bad dating profile but bear with me )

2. I have lived in New York my whole life, I am afraid that if I don't leave the state for college then I will never leave

3. I'm scared that I might be lactose intolerant

4. I really love the cold

5. If music did not exist then I probably wouldn't be alive today
6. Whenever I am alone I will belt out any song that I know at the top of my lungs

7. I really like to play solitaire... Online

8. I am a Russian/German Jew and when I tell people that their reactions range from "cool" to "How the **** did that happen?"

9. I have a lot of opinions

10. The movie with the best soundtrack is Guardians of The Galaxy 2

11. The TV show with the best soundtrack is Grey's Anatomy

12. When I have a panic attack I will count all the green things possible or recite song lyrics or name as many Gilmore Girls characters as I can

13. My biggest fear is never dying   I used to wish I was dead, came very close to fulfilling my desire but I'm glad I didn't because in the last few months I have met the best people ever

14. I quote John Mulaney a lot

15. I plan birthday gifts months in advance because I expect to still have someone to give that gift to I have throw out so many gifts

16. I get addicted to things really quickly and really easy, things like music, tv show plots, the fact the Mattress Firm is definitely a front for money laundering drug traffickers, also books, toxic people, and drugs      
That's the last one tends to shock people

17. I own 34 postcards, I had about 200 pins now only 17, I have a lot of funko pops maybe 70 all stacked on a shelf like a really impressive game for Jenga, I own too many keychains and way too many stuffed animals

18. My best friend was produced by GC2B

19. I used to participate in GLSEN Day of Silence all day every day
20. The words scarred and scared mean the same thing to me they overlap in my head and on my body
My scares tell my stories                      My tool of choice is not a blade or flame but my nails.
I have my anxieties stuck under my fingertips

21. In my last therapy session, I mentioned the fact that my father lives like a ninja turtle   This made my therapist laugh like really hard

22. Sometimes I think maybe I could be a stand-up comedian but no one would like me because all my jokes would be self-deprecating and I would be on the verge of tears the whole time

23. When I was younger I was told nobody likes sad people so don't be sad

24. When I was younger I was told a lot of *******

25. I'm still learning new things about me,  I'm still learning how to love me, I am nowhere close to complete, I am still growing from experiences and that is okay                          
    
Thank you for learning something about me

(Please give critiques)

there's a girl with red hair
and vintage red polka dot dresses
she doesn't miss anything
save for the five foot mark
she's a short little firecracker
full of opinions and wit
soft souled
one of those girls with an affinity for quaint little boutiques
with over priced trinkets
(don't even get me started on used book stores)
a grounded free spirit
who buys tea at coffee shops
I couldn't remember her order if I tried
pictures never capture her
moments fill her feed
she holds nothing back
(vulnerability excluded)
toddlers make her laugh more than cute boys
her heroes consist of Ron Paul and Leslie Knope
(can't forget John Mulaney)
car trouble every other day
single handly solos twelve hour road trips
not a moments hesitation
spontaneous and steadfast
drives an hour just for donuts
southern baptist?
heels and tights
more stories than battle scars
titles fill her desk
from poetry pages to presidential plaques
her range is astronomical
no shame in wearing pajama pants
into gas stations or grocery stores
her heart gives itself away
in water color paintings and chocolate chip cookies
no no she can't eat that
"I'm lactose intolerant, remember?"
laughs and eats it anyway
I could sum her up in a sentence, but an encyclopedia is not enough

let's be more stubborn is my recent motto

let's love myself more, even if it's tough, especially when it's tough



to do that, let's start being more honest with myself, right?

i am going to lie to myself actually.
i am going to stand on my own side and defend my own feelings.


you? you are a joke to me!
you can defend yourself and justify yourself.

you believe you did the right thing?



good! good? good good!!
i also believe that i did the right thing so ***** you.



====

such a simple childish conversation, why did it take me so long to realize how powerful this is?

if I am not on my side, then who will be on my side? why do i always have to view it like others do?

why was i taught that i was bad if i hurt others' feelings??
what if they hurt my feelings?? is that right, then?

i am not sorry.
i do not want to feel a second's worth of guilt or hurt over it.
you hurt me and i hurt you back. you deserved it.

stop trying to take advantage of the fact that i am nice and desperate for people.

no one is really that important to each other.

not even lovers last!
divorces are ever-growing. no one wants to actually stay married. even john mulaney and his wife broke up. :(

parents can **** too!
orphanages keep growing in population, child abuse is rampant globally.

who says friendship lasts forever?
talk to all the middle schoolers and adults who have fallen out with multiple people over their short and long lives.

i call *******!
i was just taught to be a ******* doormat.

A frozen desert lost in time
The burning man with a dead fire
The pain won’t ever fade away
In and out the pain will sway
On the rooftop, she stands across
All loose ends have to be *******
Draw, Ross
The tunnel was closing in
The happy ending was almost near
Then I started falling faster
Hourglass
Gun in hand
Hurt them first, second me
I can’t be what I need to be
This is a wasteland
People make things worse
Kiss them with my flames of death
Amalgamate of nightmares
Ruins of destruction
Spades
Midnight Crew can’t die
If they do, I won’t be alive
If I shoot and you play dead
If I shoot and you get up
Neither will take my bullets away
I should be dead
But I’m not
I don’t understand what to do anymore
Who to be anymore
Who to shoot anymore
There’s nobody I can spare anymore
Click
One by one, day by day
Someone send the pain away
Thank you Drew for my new name
Scurrilous
Right and wrong, I know neither
Pickpocket more, steal grander
I never speak words of slander
I thought a thought of thots that thought
I have dreams I die a lot
Insane, deprived, fully deranged
The bird that sings isn’t in a cage.
Bella?
Can you hear me? 
Are you there? 
I miss seeing you alive.
Suicide.
Tick tock, tick tock.
Why’d the mouse run up the clock?
Tick tock, tick tock
Why is there no electric shock?
Society is meaningless
Life is meaningless
People are meaningless
Government is meaningless
Nature is meaningless
Earth is meaningless
I’m meaningless
Rinse and repeat.

Let’s go watch John Mulaney.