I h8 how my Hole of a life
Is always up in the air
I h8 how everything i long for
is so far away from me
Yet, right there.
I h8 everything about me
it seems cuz I keep being told
its all me, its all me
Funny ........ me.
I h8 how i do all i can
To have a love of a man
And i find is a **** in a can
I h8 how all i do
Is **** up everything i am
By dieing so much on the inside
all i do is cry on the outside
every second that well i just am.
I h8 hiw lonely i am
bcuz i dnt choose someone who
Will stand lovingly by my side
I h8 how even though
Each word i wrote
Speaks only of me and I
Someone else feels the exact same way
Inside.

It's one o'clock in the morning.
It's been a week since I last saw you.
I lie on my bed, thinking about the way you used to hold me.
It was as if you were holding a grudge...
I keep thinking about us,
Where our relationship cracked
And I can't figure out exactly where it started.
I can't help but think our relationship was never meant to be.
Like maybe, if I never met you again, I wouldn't be in this mess.
I think about how a week ago,
I was drowning in depression and taking too many pills.
I think about how much weight and sleep I lost.
I think about hiw you came over and dropped my stuff off and how I broke down in front of you..
I think about where I am right now...
I'm not great, but I'm not completely terrible.
It's a bit of an in between phase...
I wonder how long it will be like this..
I can't stop looking at your Facebook or Twitter.
I can't stop thinking about the fact that you're leaving and I truly won't be able to talk to you for awhile..
I think about how I just want you to **** Rebecca and come crawling back to me.
I want you get revenge..
I want you to wreck havoc.
I want you to miss me.
I want to move on sometimes.
Sometimes I think this relationship is too broken to fix, and sometimes I'm really determined to fix it to the best of my abilities..
I send you long messages
About this weight that's been on my heart and you don't even say anything.
I'm so confused.
Since the beginning of 2017, I've been so confused.
To be honest, I thought I made a mistake in saying "yes" when you asked me to be yours on December 31st..
I remember talking to my father about it in the kitchen for hours..
And then I fell in love with you..
Or maybe it's the fact that I fall in love with people who have no interest in being with me..
It's really ****** up, I know..
I can't stop thinking about you.
I hate that I can't bring myself to call you, because I know you won't answer and I promised I would give you your space...
I just wish you would tell me if you needed me to move on already, because I already know these two weeks won't change your heart..
I hate that I am allowing myself to wait for you.
I hate that we are in this mess.
I hate that I haven't felt your lips on mine in over a week..
I hate that I don't know how you're doing right now..
Or if you are already talking to somebody else..
I hate that I can't get you out of my mind or off of my chest.
I hate that you make me feel this way..

I hate the way you make me feel
Like I am carrying 400lbs of extra weight
On my body
I hate hiw oppressive you turned
I hate the fact that you're birthday
Stole alot from me
And I cannot replace what was stolen
From me
I hate you for what you did
To make me have to lie to others about you
I hate the fact that your old school
I am angry for the simple fact that you are still here
When you shouldn't be even around me
All this aggression
All this hate and anger
Is baggage for me
And you don't know what you have don't yet...
Your lies lead me to lie
And I (f)ucking hate that

Were you saying Hello yesterday?
He's not here.
Guess he's everywhere we go
As long as we remember
Sitting at a publishing meeting
Ironically the book in the Great Wall of all their books published
From 1900-1924
Right behind my shoulder read"Manuel"
Didnt catch the author
The title struck me
Of all the places and spaces before me
Hiw did that particular title show up?
Coincidence?
Hi Daddy!
I miss you!
Say Hi to Mom
Miss her too!
He's not here
He's everywhere
They are together again
As long as we remember

C@rainbowchaser2022