happy wine wednesday.**

My hands smell like smoke and coffee
because nicotine and caffeine (and fluoxetine, duloxetine, paroxetine) make me remember to forget what it’s like to be this lonely.
There’s wine on my breath (9 dollar grape flavored paint stripper) and I'm so high my face could kiss the ceiling because this is what we call making friends.
And I know when I’m drunk I forget to remember to forget to feel and i spill out my heart to the lowest bidder (and I spill out my drink to my lowest cut top) but sometimes the foggyheavyblurry thoughts shared with a southern boy over a menthol make the moment mean more than I would have shared when I started writing this poem at 11am this morning.
And even though I forgot to wash my face and lock my door and my hands still smell like smoke and my heart is heavy with loneliness, I know I found solace in the simple smile he shared with me when I said
I was ****** up.
everything is fine.
everything is okay.
im fine.
im okay.

Sick in the head,
Should’ve taken my meds,
Going off the chain,
With Tears being shed.
Like a hypocrite,
I wanna be alive,
But I also want to be dead.

Carnal creature inside,
Ain’t no place to hide.
Feel like I’m outta my mind.
Feel like I’m going to die.
Some got scars on they wrist,
I got scars behind my eyes.
I’m adrift and shut-down
Shut up let me fantasize.
Gotta numb the pain.
Cause I’m traumatized.
Feel like a clown.
Becoming something I don’t recognize.
Where evil becomes glamourized.
And good becoming desensitized.
Carnal nature is a monster,
That’s eats away everything,
Till I’m dead inside.
Till I’m dead inside.

Sick in the head,
Should’ve taken my meds,
Going off the chain,
With Tears being shed.
Like a hypocrite,
I wanna be alive,
But I also want to be dead.

Washing my brain with intrusive thoughts,
Could drop kick a baby,
Ain’t got no heart.
Carnal nature overtaking me,
Feel like dissecting animals into little parts.
Cause I was deemed a monster,
Before I ever learned my A,B, C’s.
So, much for the world being my oyster.
Had a teacher try to diagnose me with ODD and ADD,
Are you kidding me?
Jump in front of a car head first,
Got me believing my dark skin got me cursed!
Can things get any worse?
Believing I am the reason my parents divorced.
Got bullied without remorse.
According to statistics I’ll end in jail or a hearse.

Sick in the head,
Should’ve taken my meds,
Going off the chain,
With Tears being shed.
Like a hypocrite,
I wanna be alive,
But I also want to be dead.

What do we call something that has no name? How do we say something that without the words to convey? Do we call it god, or the universe or maybe Love? My heart just says it hurts. My head reminds me none of us matter. My body feels the world and tells me the weight of it is too heavy for my soul. My self says nothing, as it is bound beneath a steady concoction of klonopin and Duloxetine. But my dreams, they say everything I can't or won't and they never serender to anything or anyone no matter the pain of living upon this caluss earth.

So I sleep and relish in my own deceptions, for when I think of waken life, what is the difference in the end?

i’ve been letting the duloxetine
melt on my tongue
in the hopes of speeding up the process
of tricking my brain into quiet

like maybe the bitter taste
will let the thoughts evaporate