It's pure madness.
It is.
You think all these weird and strange and impossible thoughts, and you just want to, no, need to, tell someone every little thing you've ever thought.
But you can't.
Because you're absolutely terrified of what they'll think of you.
Because they'll judge you for being different.
For being abnormal.
They'll judge you for being you.
And then your mind starts to move at a thousand miles per hour to form logical reasons why you can't be the same as them.
Your head begins to spin because of all these thoughts colliding, and you can't stop it.
You couldn't stop it even if you tried.
Even if you wanted to.
Then, your mind, it... it just dies.
As if it were pushed to its absolute limit.
You feel horrible, and it's all because you don't know anyone could possibly comprehend you when you can't even do it yourself.
Then, to punish yourself.
To feel numb.
You cut yourself.
And you bleed.
And scar.
You hide it so that no one will ever know.
And the worst part?
It works.

Think think!
Think of a time
when you had a friend
one negative thought
will make your friendship end
if you think your mind is negative
then think again,
all this bitterness inside
must come to an end.

Echo echo!
Echoing voices inside your head
the words clogging up your ears
after all the books you read
you believe there are more words
that hasn't been said
if so, don't overthink it
don't drown yourself with dread.

Dream Dream!
Dream about achievement
never over relax
don't chase your dreams by sleeping.

Hope Hope!
Hope won't bring you low
you say it's pointless
believe me I know,
always stay positive for
god will shine a light on you
and make your confidence glow.

Imagine imagine!
Imagine a day without stress
if everyday was a vacation,
you couldn't careless
picture your mindset again
it's not a torn up mess,
fiill your thoughts
with happiness and nevertheless.

Love love!
Love from the work of God,
he taught you much
loving him wasn't so hard
but loving other people is
that why he made you smart
by managing your feelings
he has given you a clean heart.

Believe Believe!
Believe in God and yourself
God loves you as aspie
he gave you multiples of talents
of what he trained you to be.

It isnt fair

that you should end up sleeping with the boy who boldly but secretly, confusingly just needed access to your bed
that the vague notion of your missing friends is actually a blatant  chastisement about your social misdemeanor
That you should feel the urge to withdraw from any and all recreational opportunities because you can already tangibly feel the distressing friction between every differing fiber between both your brain and theirs
It isnt fair that you should be so clever, and resourceful but exposure of such elaborate operations will only occur outside all traditional institutions in the privacy of an empty audience
It isnt fair that you have unknowingly began a retreat from life and dinner with your family to find some solstice from a muddling indigent existence that requires you to obsess over trivial details just so you dont miss the rare gratifying hints of a walking compliment
It isnt fair that you'll say yes to anything you haven't learned from life experience to not want
and it isnt fair that one disadvantage should create others by consequence and default
It isnt fair that my adult facade should restrict my child appropriate responses and its public unrest
or for my simple unique characteristics to ooze the paint for which they'll use to commit my image to memory for the entire school.
I'll have to learn to put up with the eggshells that grind into the soft ***** of my feet when I blindly interact with other expressionless but feeling, thoughtless but intellectualizing people
and it isnt fair for my mortified laugh to be chastised

Stimming/Self-stimulation: most common in individuals on the autism spectrum, but also done by those with anxiety, stimming (stim for short) is the act of engaging in repetitive motions--such as rocking, flapping hands, making noises, and touching or chewing on things--as a way to express emotions or self-soothe.

when anxiety has me ensnared
in its clawed and crooked grip
sunk deep into my bones
my spine becomes a rocking chair
pretzel-ing itself into a shape
that knows how to rid this body
of the gritted teeth and shaking hands
and tears that are a near-constant
and burning promise

and this movement
the motion of moving back and forth
planted firmly on mattress
or couch
or carpet
or hardwood floor
it grounds me and soothes the ache
of a mind in turmoil
in a way that unzipping
my flesh never did

but the motion that is heavily
put into practice while standing
is a noticeable thing
that is too calculated and controlled
to be played off as
intoxication or any other substance
to quite the roiling of my thoughts

and when my little sister
looks at me next to her
with fluttering hands and adding new
indents of my teeth into my bottom lip
and asks me why i am rocking
i do not know how to explain the
motion to her in a way that she will
understand and so i make myself stop
by forcing the movement into my leg

and many summers ago
when i sat on the mattress in
the livingroom of my father’s apartment
that was also my bedroom
and began to rock back and forth
to quell the rising tide of anxiety
from the anger in his eyes and voice
and he snapped at me to
“stop being such an aspie ****”
my only response was to
rock faster and bite back the
tears that threatened to
drown the both of us

I feel so tired but I cannot be still and rest.
I want to be alone, then be with friends, and
when I am with friends, I want to be left
alone.
I am aspie, I am bipolar, I am crazy, I am calm.
I have rage inside that is translated with humor,
I am very smart with gifted observations
not even the brilliant
can find.
This phase of anxiety intriguing my thoughts that
I will never make it on my own,
and my fears that my friends are buying plane tickets
and booking cruises without my knowledge
have unpacked their bags and are having foot massages
in my mind.
It is not true,
it is temporary,
it is not all about me,
I want my circle to be all about
happiness and trust,
compassion and gratitude,
pictures of natural poses
no ******* in the cheekbones nor do we
put on any light filters of black and white or
neon orange and green.
I feel so tired but I do fall asleep to practice
doing what I need to do for me.
I will spend equal time alone and out together,
I am strong, I have power, I am kind, I am titled as a
friend, sister, daughter, employee, ex-girlfriend, client,
intern, volunteer, but most of all,
human.
No human was ever and is ever made to be perfect.
It is normal to be depressed and reach out in need.
Don’t take your life,
just take your time,
and if you must play the game by your own rules,
do it until you function like the newest machine, iphone,
or crazy new invention that trends.
New rules build new trends and thoughts in our minds.
Shall we stay in a learning world and learn?
Sounds like a good plan.
We are enrolled for the same
purpose.