when I was ten, I scraped the surface of my skin
soothing the nerves that might be achin’
and I dreamed of being a shape-shifter
instead of wearing my own skin, wanted to be a transformer
like Mystique covered her scales with brown-leather jacket
as if she was hiding in her friend’s pocket

I wanted to be a shape-shifter so bad
that I carry different names in different events
introducing another personality into another styles and bents,
desperate in escaping reality
that my first name is Nobody
with a last name of loser in a morena body

when I was thirteen, I wanted to be a telepathic
because middle school was boring and pathetic,
your freckles and scars was not considered as aesthetic
because they are distractive, not attractive
then most people was stereotypic
and put so much weight of stigma
that was heavier in my own persona

I hope I could read someone’s mind
to attend their standards and be acceptable, not behind
I hope I could seep in the openings of their cracks
to see if I could join in their popular groups and ranks
I wanted so bad to be telephatic
that my sanity was almost equal to chaotic and psychotic

when I was sixteen, I wished I had x-men gene of invisibility
because school was tiresome and heavy
and bullies was way powerful than your mental ability
that you would rather disappear and stay in eternal tranquility
then suffer from discrimination
because your skin was not society’s accepted complexion
they said, I didn’t belong anywhere
because I am nobody from nowhere

mom even said I’ll be fine and should work for it
I said that I am over it and I am so done with it
but mom didn’t understand that suiting yourself in was like
walking in fired coal with trigger in my feet of armalite the wall

now, I just turned 19, I finally understand
how world kept condemning, exploiting and oppressing people who are weak
who are in minority, not hearing their silent screech
I finally understand that if you have no power
people will trample and trample you to lower

I finally understand that I don’t need an approval stamp
from anybody that crushes my soul in *****
and you, yes you
you don’t need anybody to be whole
because, certainly, surely, you can fill your own hole
I finally understand that I am enough
that life is rough so you have to be tough
And I finally understand what made me stay,
you foolish prodigy, do not be easily swayed
I have the right to be here, you have to.

iF
pOETRY is the gun with bullets flying off its tongue
to run like streaming traces
chasing through the open faces
then
i Am armed and dangerous,
a telescopic sight on the armalite and a red dot
hits the spot
every time.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life
Looking down the barrel of an Armalite

I don't want to spend the rest of my days
Keeping out of trouble like the soldiers say

I don't want to spend my time in hell
Looking at the walls of a prison cell

I don't ever want to play the part
Of a statistic on a government chart

It's dark all day and it glows all night
Factory smoke and acetylene light

I face the day with me head caved in
Looking like something that the cat brought in

And they're only going to change this place
By killing everybody in the human race

They would **** me for a cigarette
But I don't even wanna die just yet

There has to be an invisible sun
It gives its heat to everyone

There has to be an invisible sun
That gives us hope when the whole day's done

Uvalde
A town you never heard of, you’ll never hear the end of
You’ve heard the end of
Guns in America, a story you’ll never hear the end of
The insecure White Man’s struggle ends with a massacre
A story that never begins in history, you never hear the end of
It’s always been going on, Elijah McClain, I hear him screaming in my brain
The pain is ongoing and I see this veteran policewoman walking towards a car
She’s got a gun in her hand and can’t tell the difference between a taser
Like the weight is the same as her heart and a feather, but it’s ******
White Supremacy, suddenly everybody is Kyle Rittenhouse’s defense attorney
Editing bodycam footage, standing around for 77 minutes and detaining
Your fellow officer whose wife is a teacher in the classroom, taking his weapon
And letting the school shooter reign free, rain bullets down on the
Nation you claim to love, so much ******* bravery, contaminated with agenda
Politics, frothing blood on the shores from sea to shining sea, ducking in the suburbs
From scopes that’s car windows reflecting the sun in the fifth day out the week of plus 110 degrees heat
It’s upscale for us, hell, close as bougie as you ever get when you can cook eggs on the street
The air is so thick with well-informed opinions that keep up with the world
Everyone knows everything, everywhere all the time anymore, and I try to avoid it
Hide from the anxiety, stay inside, idealistically cling to a shred of pride, the insanity I desire is structural anarchy
Challenge the integrity of a system that’s starving people, by flipping the tables and making the power-hungry just hungry
I’m just angry, you go into any atmosphere and it’s pretty clear conversations of social conscience run deep into consideration
Failure, on a historical, national, centuries-long, cultural level, not just any one people can be held accountable or responsible
Nothing can be solved with one tongue-lashing in one sitting, but nobody wants to hear that no satisfaction
Will come from the instant gratification of getting one over on the opposition
Who sit smug in defiance of each other, calm heads prevail even when they’re objectively incorrect
Because it’s not about logic, facts, truth or morality
It’s about appearing better than, media and perception
Appealing to the ego and id, ebb and flow of how to till an audience
Field them out, groom the youth and watch them grow
But truth is, the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do
That cop kneeling on George Floyd choked everybody who could see it was wrong
And he only killed one man with his actions, but caused all hell to break loose
If the world were a smarter place, they’d have tackled him off, detained him
Let the man in the hallway go, backed him up and taken action, but
Going online to defend White Supremacy, they used to go out into the world and put on hoods to do that
Kyle Rittenhouse took on the police department’s responsibility, he was 16
**** all the legalities, I hate lawyers and I refuse to speak with you on terms of legalese
This kid lived in a world where he couldn’t just be concerned about going to school the next day
Or playing video games, doing some teenager ****, no
He had to get an assault rifle, go out of his way to commit a double homicide, and people flock to his side to call it justified
What do you same people think about the yielding of Uvalde PD to a school shooter, active, in progress, who likely only wanted them to storm in on the rampage so they could commit suicide
Ignorance
The last chapter in American history because it will be the death of all of us
No arguments will endure one side not listening to another side not listening
When no one can make headway with a fair point, when you strip the right to choose based on autonomy
When you come after people for their differences, marginalize entire communities
Feeling so threatened you cry Marxism and quiver behind your idols, that you never noticed, sacred now institutions, installations of
Your unknown ancestry, history, let’s be honest, it’s not destruction to evolve the status quo in a positive direction for this hopeless society
Killing people out of reactionary fear, before they even do anything
Then rioting, splintering, there is no unity
There is no sanctuary, there is no safety
Peace is apolitical in nature, it just has to be, in that it is also injust
And politics are injust without being peaceful, but inspiring people to be hateful
Darker and more hateful than anything the eyes might ever see, they awaken evil in the cesspool, the spirit
Bubbling out of the mouth and over the teeth, fits of rage overtake the world stage
Like January 6th
You don’t get to compare your riot to other riots and say you did it more well-behaved
When you riot on the nation’s capital that’s like punching America, Uncle Sam, Lady Liberty, the constitution you preach like the bible and all the founding fathers in the face
My mind’s eye is swollen from the insight that plays on the news with the slaughter of these children, comparisons to the attitude surrounding incidents of gun violence and what it’s actually like to have mental illness
The Governor of Texas, mouth-breathing Abbott says, anyone who shoots someone else is not mentally stable, so police then
Murdering police who **** people all the time, and don’t even always use guns
A whole police department just stood by and let someone else **** children; I saw teachers trying to buy bulletproof vests online for their first graders
Kyle Rittenhouse is a symptom of a diseased mindset in America, if they won’t, he will then, and we don’t treat him
Like we would, we could, we should, I saw a light show celebrating his actions
**** the criminal history of the people he killed, judge, jury, nor executioner is on the head of the children
But, going to church, the grocery store, school, someone could just show up with two ArmaLite M15s and **** them
A Mossberg, Glock, Colt, Smith&Wesson and ammunition to fulfill the mission
Of raising stock in these gun manufacturing corporations, in the end
Because we set precedents with old money presidents, Donald Trump and the Bush Dynasty, Clintons and self-fulfill them
That we inherit sleepwalking promises of change, half-deranged, fall-guys for the previous administrations like Biden
And view one different face in this indistinguishable, old, white, grey spoiled milk on the fridge shelf of presidents as a beacon
There’s a systematic breakdown at the molecular level by legal minds far more educated and dedicated than mine
That are far more passionate, with more time, I’m just
Tired, God
I’m so tired of going outside and not knowing if there’s gonna be a Howard Unruh situation
Or that this America my nephew grows up in, will be so ****** up and, he’ll have teachers put bulletproof vest on his kindergarten supplies list
And I want to appeal against my better instinct to shooters to attack those whose job it is to protect and serve and fight back, to give a chance to the unarmed and innocent civilians
Go for your local police department if you need to pick a target, I implore you, if not for the impact, then think of it as a merciful act
They are carriers of the symptomatic disease infecting communities, leave unequipped people to live their lives, if you can’t be reeled back from your planned attack
I am so tired
It’s so hot it feels like the whole country is on fire and not from the sun
I could never be who I am anywhere else in the world, I want to love it here for that
But I don’t want to die here for anyone.

Everyone
has a favourite conspiracy
all designed
to put the fear in me,

but you've got to make your own mind up
because
No one else can do that puzzle.

and if I shout it out
they'll muzzle me,
shot
with an Armalite
or an MK 3
and that'll be the end of me.

When they said to me
walk towards the light
I didn't know that it
would be
an Armalite,
night scope
no hope
now.