I'll rip your
neck off
& watch it
bleeding slow
because
that's
always
the best part
of the show.

Happiness
only happens to
the ones with
open heart & smiles.
I'm a rock &
rocks doesn't have a heart,
neither a mouth to
fake smiles
everyday.

Why don't you
just hit
that
******* hammer
against your brain
and stop
it all
******
worse,
loser.

Does my poetry
harm you?
I'm sorry
i only mean to
slip my blades on
myself
but sometimes
i forgot they hide
inside my thoughts
as well.

It rains through my eyes,
I can hear thunders in my mind,
There are flowers blossoming through my fingertips,
Now I'm sure I'm a forest-creature.

You're like gold
expensive and shiny
but I'd highly rather
put my hands
on sterling silver
and keep it
forever
with me
than to be tempted
to sell you
and have you
no more
in my hands.

Under the moon
i was waiting for you
under the moon
i was craving for you
under the moon
i was falling for you
under the moon
i was dying for you
but once
right under the moon
i died for you
and then, under the moon
i wished it was just you.

Ashes in my heart
leads to
a solved problem
which you
burned down
while I was
in love.

I'm a tiny little boat
and you're my
open sea,
i beg you
to
madly
swallow me up.

It started like an itch inside my mind, but i couldn’t
just scratch it with my bare hands
so it came in the back of my head
how mad i get sometimes and
how incredibly angry i get sometimes
with myself
with this diseased mind of mine
and these bare limbs
just floating around in the air
stuck in myself
a walking scarred tissue
so i made that first great entrance
to welcome the blood flowing out
and waiting for that time
that never happens
should i stand a little more?
should I enter a bit deeper?
“hello, I’m an old friend, I’m a guest and I’m a host
of yours
so please welcome this person of mine
to be out of these lands forever.”
Maybe i could say that and
something would happen
but i could just make some eleven more openings
and watch myself bleeding
the very welcome
way out
that I think I
deserve.
Do i?
I’m not quite sure
but somehow i’ll discover
hopefully before they open this door
and find me drowned in my
own poisoned blood
just to see the light that
i've been told my whole life
and that never occurred to appear
for decades
and all i could do was wait
but now i'm running out of time.

I beg for your presence
though all i really desire
is your quietness
along mine
being the loudest & loneliest
souls
of all
times.

Your smell still lingers
on my ***** thoughts.

There are a few dunes over my body
not created from the sea
nor the wind
or sand at all
but from an unsettled mind
and angry fists
once i tried to count them down but it seemed like
i slipped on some and couldn't recall it
actually, i've lost the count on how
many times i've slipped on them
and lost the count over and over again,
and then i slipped again bleeding out
creating some new dunes over the time
but I think i'm also like a desert
sometimes i feel extremely cold &
sometimes i'm completely hot, full of anger,
full of energy that comes out of nowhere,
and then i'm deadly cold again
but then it last for days
or years
and it's been twenty
'till I counted
last time.

The incense is burning.
I look at the fading smoke and
i wonder
when will be the day that
i'm gonna turn
into ashes,
and be blown away
with the wind
forever?

Why do you speak my name at night?
though i can't see you, i feel you in my
cold belly
in my cold hands
in my deceased mind,
touching me with your hollow words
but why can't i see you?
how long have you been dead?
i've been dead a thousand years
where are you then?
don't be afraid
dead ones can't die
twice
speak my name
one more time
hold my hand
and drag me with you
wherever you
may be right now
because i'm sure it's quite
better than
here.

There was fire in his eyes.
She couldn't put the fire out,
so she embraced it, and set herself
on fire.

Once I've been told I was ugly
so I looked into the mirror and asked that person in there
what was so ugly to make someone take their time
to tell me
something i should already know,
and i knew it.
No one answered anything,
so every mirror i looked, every
piece of reflective
glass,
blade,
or deep into my grandma's eyes,
i wondered:
why would a grandmother, such a lady like you
tell some 8 year old girl
with such harshness
how ugly she was?
Now i look back into those times
when all that i could see was doubts
and flaws and faults, that wasn't mine at all,
and answer myself:
that little girl had a glint in her eyes, which
no grandmothers like hers could ever have,
and she smiles for a second

"I'm not the one to blame if
she's the blind one".

Life has been tough
not only for me but also for you, my love
i'm not complaining though, i know
there's a million ways we could make
it better
together
but we just don't
we just won't
because we're dead
together
and together we shall be 'till
the sun awakes once again
inside our wounds that once has been made
by the rage of an sharp sword
in my quick hands
i'm sorry, my love
i'm sorry i brought us death,
but when the sun rises again
i'll make sure the blood dripping
off the sharp blade
exists no more
so i shall paint it again
beautifully,
with both our hearts.

I thought i could save you
but i forgot i'm just as mortal
as you.

I love how i feel your whispers
at night
on my ear
sometimes they're cold like me
sometimes they're gold and
i keep them in my pajamas pocket
forever
just in case that you have to leave
and i can't never hear
your whispers again
so i come back to bed and you're sleeping
beautifully and quietly
but your words seems to want to
escape
from my pocket
so i call you once, twice
and start talking to you with
my slurred voice
and you shut me up
with a goodnight kiss
first on my forehead
and then on my lips
i couldn't taste it well
from the medication
but i can hear
you saying
goodbye, little girl
sleep well,
farewell.

Love, i'm wearing your t-shirt tonight
just to remember your smell
on my skin
with the smell
you've forgotten
forever.

I swear i saw you there
awaiting for something to happen
in the corner of my room
in the dark
alone
I could swear i saw you from the other side
I was near the window
the wind was blowing ******* the trees that night
I wasn’t afraid,
were you?
I could swear i saw claws moving underneath
your dark long cloak
i couldn’t see its color in the dark but
i’m pretty sure it was nothing
but black
like the sky in that cold night
like my mind, while sitting in the corner of the room
awaiting for you to come to me
and take me home.
i wasn’t afraid
and so weren’t you
for i was you – the night, the dark, the death
and death has no fear
but it can still feel the wind blowing from outside
the window
and it can hear words never spoken
so as you hear when you think
someone whispers
your name
at night.

There were blades running in
my blood
i could feel every single one of them
specially when i was going to
slit the skin
of my forearm, just to see if i was still
bleeding enough to be
alive
but i was & have been dead for a long time
ago and i
could barely feel
any other blade or needle or knife
piercing my skin,
tearing me off,
pulling my heart away
with no heartbeats,
only blades &
blood.

I tried to sleep again
this night
but you just couldn’t get away of my mind
my dreams turned into nightmares
and you laughed at me
till there was no more tear
left inside me
to shed
do you know how hard it is for me?
to see you laugh at my crying
to see you face me when I’m not
able to face myself
when i’m not able to face my own fate
my own mistakes
my own life
my own self.

I asked you about your secrets
so you threw over my head all
the black pages of all
those books you've once painted with anger
in those dark old
days
so i asked why & why black
and you said because that's
how you felt
in your insides
so i grabbed your hand
and put it over my chest
& i said
that's ok to feel black
sometimes
i've felt & been like this
my whole life
i do not wish i would have been lilac,
or grey, or blue
that's ok to feel like a
black hole
sometimes
because sometimes
people can throw things
back at you
but they will just simply
be swallowed up and
forever forgotten,
and you
will never be touched
by them
again.

I’ll start eating
lullabies for all meals
so I am sure I’ll be
thin enough to
fit in your dreams
every night.

Doctors have said that pills
would make me better
what they didn't know
is that they were all wrong
i would never get better,
not still being me.

Sometimes i need you
sometimes i require you
sometimes i wonder
where you've been
but inside of me
or inside of my mind
or in my words
thrown away with the
wind
like you were just
ashes
but you're
absolutely embodied inside
of me as someone
of my dreams, away
yet so close
to me.

22/11/13

You say hospital beds are
your home so
you can never leave them
without leaving a
part of you in there
but when i'm
with you, i miss that part
with all my heart
because it's about your heart
as well and i
can't be with you
when you're without
your heart
because i feel you're
not really there with me
like when you are around
hospital beds
but there's no such
thing inside me & i
feel you're
better off without
me as your medication but
i don't want to be anyone's medication
i wish i could be your
home but
i'm as cold as dark rainy streets
and not as warm as holspitals' white
bedsheets.

22/11/13

We're made by stardust but
you can't eat the stars like
candies in the sky.
i thought you knew by then
when i was there
but you didn't.

The empty space within
you will never disappear while
you sit among the stars
and count every single one of
them.

wind up this day little girl
you've had enough
of it already
you've had enough of my
words, the most dreadful of
them
release your good will and
be gone like I did
like I do
vanish away with me
to somewhere else where we
can be other than ourselves
where we can be nothing
at all
fade away with me, little girl
i promise never to leave you
not while i live,
not ever.

Once i've tried to scape
this living hell so called
mind
but the more i tried to
swim
i ended up sinking even
further
and further
so i reached the bottom of
this
black ocean so called
mind
and i found myself
half dead
but how does one get half dead
when they're not living
at all?
sometimes i still try
to reach on the surface
but deep down myself i
know
i know that i cannot be
of a good use any longer
part of me is dead and
the other part is numb as
i try to ease all the pain
of a lifetime
once lived by myself
or thought that has been lived
or thought that has been someone
once or twice
in life.

I loved you in a way that
all my medicines would like me to
love them too
but your words have more
impact on me than all the
possible
overdoses
i could ever have.

Tonight the moon reminded
me of your eyes
but the clouds has hidden its
brightness away just like your
sorrow does
all the time
and I wonder how many stars
are needed to bring it
back
and  how many of my selves
are needed too
because without your luster
my constellation doesn’t
shine too well
like it does when
you’re by my side, though
you’re not here for such
a long time
I hope there in heaven you
can shine the way
you used to by
my side.

This medicine was never
meant to be
my partner for
life and on
but after all it turned out
to be my best friend &
enemy at the same instant.

Swollen fists never gonna
be useful for
swollen-eyed sad people
who wake up
feeling lonely
at 2am.

You're so cold
to touch that
i froze the very first
time your lips met
mine.

My love
i thought of you tonight
i thought of you and i and
all these thoughts seemed unfair
since you're not here.

You as the sky
and I as the sea
dreadful thinking that
only when you weep is when
you're gonna touch
me.

Yesterday was a failure
I couldn’t manage to cast our demons away
at once
You still think of me like a judge would?
I do not think it’s fair but it’s not unfair
at all
You could have been mine without a single gasp
You could just be the star that illuminates my
ego at night, while I try to bury
deep within myself
all those dreadful things
you’ve yelled at me once
but with the tranquility of a black wave
breaking upon my head
and spinning my thoughts around
and around and around
and I have chills only by thinking that
I could never get enough of
you at
all.