Did you notice I was gone?

I read a book that reminded me of you

It reminded me of the days I wished to find a way out
To go through a door that would lead me somewhere else
somewhere better

I never found that door

And you never got better

I wish you had

Nights in Princeton

The trees watch us wander
The wind follows
The darkness creeps slowly

Surrounded by new friends
I don’t know where to look,
the trees,  
or their eyes

Why must you betray my heart when I’ve given all I had to you?

My past is like a storm cloud following me

Lightning strikes my loved ones
So all they see are my mistakes

Thunder rumbles loudly
So all I hear are my failures

Rain pours down on me
So I can not see clearly

The cloud trails my steps so I can never escape
So I relive my regrets

Harsh winds blow in my direction
So I can not move forward

And my storm cloud stays dark and grey
Above my head, my happiness at bay.

I’m learning to love the parts of myself I used to hate.
I force myself to relive my regrets, to relive my pain.
I see each memory with fresh eyes, softening my gaze so I can not judge.

It still hurts to see what I wish I could reverse
When I couldn’t see past my delusions
I hurt so many people that I loved

I can not undo what had to be done
Fate wanted my heart to go on a journey.

I am thankful for the heartache, the loss
it taught me to accept my whole self

I had to first become who I am not
To find who I am.