To the daughters who were born without a safe haven

To the mothers who baptized their daughters not in holy water
but in their heartache

To the daughter who raised her mother first
then herself

To the mother who thought being a mother would save her
to the daughter who taught her mother through her existence alone she could never make her whole

to the daughters who tried to make her whole anyway

to the mothers and daughters who resent each other and
don't know why

To the daughter who struggles to decide
between pleasing her mother
and pleasing herself

to the daughter who finally learns what it feels like
to choose herself
to the mother that does the same

to the mothers and daughters who run from unconditional love because they've never known the feeling

may you find peace
forgiveness
for yourself and for her
patience
resilience
acceptance

And I learned that my breath
Will continue to flow
inhales and exhales between my lips
Just like the ebbs and flows of a riverbed

My belly rises and falls
Inhales
Exhales
As if to illustrate that beginning over and over
Is not a bad thing
Inhale after inhale is inevitable
Exhales, like failures, serve a purpose
To begin again
Over and over
To begin again.

Under the current circumstances
I am finding certain moments in time to bring tears to my eyes
Out of sheer gratitude for their existence
I am determined to soak each up
absorb them through my skin
carry them with me
I cling to them so I do not take them for granted ever again

An embrace
a familiar face in real life
not on a screen
birds chirping
overhearing a conversation as strangers pass you on the sidewalk
a quick chat with the barista
catching someones eye in the park
the park
the freedom to explore with no restrictions
washing your hands before a meal to be polite
and not to stay alive

feeling safe

my tears gather to remind me that I am
I continue to be  
painfully gratefully joyously alive
in spite of it all

Despite my best intentions to wish you unwell
My mind is wrapped up in being forgiving and understanding and “ive been there too”

I find myself
Hoping your day passed with ease and grace. And I hope you were kind to yourself today

Did you think about us
This time last year
Drunk on wine and the feeling we’d known each other in another life

Sometimes I play a tape in my head of what I wish your mouth would say

“I choose you”
Over and over
“I choose you”

I’m building a home for myself
For myself

Behind me lay a string of temporary shelters I found in others
In things
In feelings
In reactions

I’m building a home for myself not for you but for my heart and my peace and my songs
For my stillness my restlessness my demons and my passions
For my mother and her mother and her mother
My mothers
Who spent time building and building rows of homes for lost souls
Never pausing to take shelter for themselves

I’m building a home for myself within my own walls at my own pace
Patched together with patience and gratitude and the pure joy I feel that I have survived it all.

Even if it takes years if it takes tears if it takes giving up and starting over

I will build my walls to make boundaries and to set intention and those who belong will enter peacefully and honestly and without selfishness

I will build a home to love myself to come home to to live in with my declarations of knowing my worth and knowing my gifts and knowing I am safe I am safe in myself

If I could have one last conversation with you
A final day in the sunshine
I'd tell you I love you
for the first time
and the last.

If there's one more thing I could teach you
It would be that the way you're living
armoured
alone
unforgiving
is no way to live.

But I'd say it in my head, send it through my exhales in the hopes it subconsciously reaches your ears,
so as not to ruin the present moment.

We're sitting in silence
knees touching
bodies leaning into each other so it all hurts less

You'd stroke my eyelashes as they flutter with your fingertips
I can't remember what your laugh sounds like anymore

I can picture you laughing, but it's like a silent movie

But I remember how your voice sounds as it cracks through your tears
And I can see your restlessness
even with my eyes open.

I can feel your sadness
Its weight I can still see imprinted on my love seat

If I could tell you one more story about myself,
To the version of you that was still open
like a sunflower
so willing to receive

I would tell you that I'm tired of being scared
done with hiding my need to be protected
so tired of staying up all night guarding my own heart.

I may require affection and love more than you're used to giving
but you have seen my love move mountains for free
and I need just once for someone to do the same for me.

If I could meet you for the first time
one last time

I would share with you that I see your fears and I honour them
sooner than I did before.

I'd tell you
you're safe here

I would believe who you said you were the first time.

If I were to say goodbye to you again
a do-over
an un-doing

I would sit fully in that moment with you
and thank you for your honesty
forgive you for your shortcomings

Accepting that you never really unpacked your bags

Even though in my mind,
we had already grown old together.

Tentatively listen for the rise and fall of your belly to ensure your breaths are with ease

Trace the edges of your ear in moments of agitation, hoping your nerve endings will hear my fingertips and change their tune

Rub your feet when your heart is exhausted and your eyes are weary
Ensuring to not miss a single corner

Clear room on my bookshelf for your frustrations, find moments to read them together

Reminding you of your intricacies
While you sleep I whisper your journey in your ear
So you realize how far you’ve come

Encourage your curiosities
Give them room to remember who they are

I pick you wildflowers
An audience for your secrets

And my darling
If you are drawn to a new adventure
I will guide you to the edge of the road less traveled
Wave until you merge with the landscape

a way that I love you