1: My face is disproportional to the rest of me
It looks so uncomfortable sitting on my shoulders
Like it's a holder for the weight of the world

#2: My eyes show too much expression
They cannot lie
Even in moments of severe desperation
When lying that no, I am not about to cry

#3: My words are always awkward
Especially when spoken
They convey the notion of stupidity
When that's not true in reality

#4: My inability to cope with any stressful circumstance
Always retreating
Always receding
Instead of seeking out help

#5: My self hate
My inability to love who I am
The constant wish that I was someone
Who can
Love themselves with their entire heart
And not be dragged into this never ending dark
Of despising yourself
But blaming everyone else

What is "the closet"?
It's not physical
No
Rather, it's a state of mind

But sometimes is feels physical
The pain of all the lies you tell
To keep your secret in the closet of your mind
To keep your secret from accidentally
"Coming out"


"The closet" is
Lying by omission
Keeping others away from the suspicion
That you're not like the rest
That you like the same ***
Or, if you're me, both

"The closet" shouldn't have to exist
This state of mind
Of constantly having to hide
Being constantly afraid
To just step out
And be yourself

I love
Seeing you
Spending time with you
Being together

But I hate
The feelings that come
The ones that come
After you leave

Knowing that
We will never be together
That there's no future with us together
It kills me

So I go home each time
And cry
Because I love you

Other people don't know what it's like
To be scared all the time

To fear everything and everyone
To think all of their laughter is directed at you

They say "Get over it!"
And "Its not bad. Just calm down!"

*If only it were that easy

When you're upset
So upet that it hurts

Just tell yourself
That
Well, life is short

And that this is just temporary
It'll get better

And even though today you're under the weather

Tomorrow is a new day
I promise it will be ok

I wish
You could see yourself
Through my eyes

You look in the mirror
And see worthlessness

To you, the words you breathe
Fill up unwanted space

But to me
You are the epitome
Of grace

In your looks, words,
Everything

You're not perfect-- no
But your flaws
Are beautiful

Just like every
Inch of space
You occupy

I'm sick of this monotony

It's the same every day
Wake up
Eat breakfast
Get dressed
Walk to school
Same route everyday
Same couple walking their dogs
Every day

Get to school
Talk to friends
Same spot every morning
Go to class
Sit in the same seats
In same classes
Every day

Walk home
Same route
Same cars
Every day, just the same

Get home
Start homework
Sit in the same chair
At the same desk
Every day

Eat dinner
Take a shower
Go to bed
Still the same, every day

I'm sick of this monotony

Just drown me
In something
Anything
Other than this sea of self loathing

Have you ever just wanted to
Throw everything you know out the window
And pack up all of your belongings And just leave

Leave your comforts behind
And your insecurities too
Start life fresh
Become a new you

Learn the ways of the world
Not just those in your hometown
Come back around to visit
Occasionally

But start a new life on your own
In a place you can thrive
Unlike here
Where all I do is hide

I think I'm gonna do it
Leave everything behind
My doubts, insecurities, loves
And take this new world head on
With an open mind

Just leave it all behind

These secrets we keep
Soon they start to eat
Our very being
The strings that tie us together
They blow free as feathers

These secrets we keep
Soon make us weep
"She's just a friend"
You loudly defend

But dear, I thought
We agreed
To stay true to the end

Sometimes I just wonder why
Why is it you and not I
That goes to live life out happily
While I sit here and cry

I think of what could've been
I think of what should've been
And as my eyes begin to dry

I still can't help but wonder why--?

Why is it so comforting to be in someone's arms?
To be engulfed by their entire being.
To be their entire world, just for that splt second.

Or to feel the warmth of someone else's skin?
While you know they're thinking of you.
And only you.
If only for a moment.

Why do I crave this feeling?
Is it loneliness?
Or do I just seek out warmth in comfort?
The comfort only someone else's arms can give.

What's it like to be normal?

To live a normal life?

To not feel judged all the time?

To not feel like everyone's eyes are constantly staring?

To not worry about everything you say, scared that one word will tip them off to something you'd rather them not know?

And what's it like to blend in?

To be a part of the crowd?

To know how to fit in, where to go?

Maybe I'm just better off not knowing....

I truly cared about you
All your worries, insecurities
I supported you through them all
But for what?

You're going to get with another girl soon who's
Going to be an empty ****
Which in the end,
You wanted me to be

Good luck
Finding someone else that will accept all of you
The boy who hides his true self
Masquerades everything in a shroud of false confidence
And breaks down with the slightest of difficulties

I pity her already
Because
You draw girls in
The way you know exactly what to say
And after claiming you're madly in love,
You cast them aside
Like they meant nothing at all

Why am I so scared of death?
Is it the possibility of eternal life?
Or the idea of seeing nothing after my last breath?

What do you do
When religion no longer makes any kind of sense?
But
The thought of death makes you sweaty and tense?

What can I do to fix this?
When my anxiety levels are high enough as is?
Please, give me something, anything.

Just a few moments of peace and bliss.

You're clingy
And so am I

We both attach ourselves to others
Unknowingly
Becoming more of a part in their lives
Than they are in ours

Getting hung up over losing friends
While just finding each other

So let's cling together
And mend those wounds from the past
And make THIS friendship
*last

I'm always searching for feelings
Adrenaline, love, sadness

But they disappear
Before I can catch
The fleeting sensations

Leaving me searching once again

I've never been one to fall quickly,
But with you
I'm falling straight off a cliff;
A sudden Avalanche

I see you in everything I do
And I never knew
Someone could
Effect me like this

What am I supposed to do--
With these irrational thoughts?
Caused by a mere chemical imbalance?

It's not like I can help it
It's not like I can change
Its not like I can stop being afraid of everything
Just because you said I can

It takes work
Getting rid of these irrational thoughts
Like opening up to some random person
In a fake "comfy" room
With pillows and couches and lamps
To mask the fluorescent lights

And doing it over and over

Or addictive medication
That could tear your life apart
After only making it slightly better

So what do I do with these irrational thoughts?
Do I begin treatment that may ultimately make my life worse?
Or do I slowly come to terms with them?
Until they swallow me whole

The anxiety builds up
When you finally decide to say something
To share the secret
That you're not like everyone else

It feels like dream
Even now, days later
"Ok" she said
With a curious look on her face
"I'll love you no matter what, you know?"

And now I'm out
Of this closet of shame
At least to my mom
But it's a start, all the same

I'm sure hell
Feels better
Than watching you grow smaller
In my rear view mirror

Why is it
That
The more attached I get
To someone
The more it hurts

Like a dagger
That enters me when we meet
And digs its self
Deeper
The more I fall in love

Pulling it out
Would **** me to try
So I keep it in
Though the pain
Makes me cry

My reasoning screams to let go
Of this attachment
But it's just in too deep

Do I keep
It in
Or do I pull it out
And let my reasoning win

Sometimes you just fall
Down down down
into the darkest pit of yourself
Until you don't know who you are anymore
Or where these scars came from anymore

Oh right. That was last night.
In an attempt to ease the pain

It didn't work, just pulled me further into the dark
Down down down
Until I couldn't feel the pain anymore
Until I didn't know who you were anymore

*Until I lost myself completely

You paint your
Skin with false
Perfections

Hiding the marks
That you think
Are flaws

But I think
There's no need
To paint your skin

Because those "flaws"
Make you beautiful

Go ahead
Break my heart

Take everything I am
Because
I already know this is going to hurt

Smash me into a million pieces
I don't care

I'd rather be broken
Than without you

I pick it off my shelf again
The same book I
Always go to on nights
Like this

It's familiar
Comforting
Like I
Oh so want you to be

I want to kiss you
And your lips
As smooth as
The torn edges of its cover

I want to touch you
And your body
I will have memorized like
All the words written in ink

I want to love you
And the noises you make
Will be as familiar
As every dog eared page

Let me hold you close
And fall asleep with you in my bed
Like a well-read book does
On nights
Such as this

Someday you'll be a story

A memory that survives
By a face in a picture
Or lines in a poem

But for now we live
In what may soon pass
Let's try and make this last

Quiet little voices
In the back of my mind.
Demons,
Only heard by me.

Whispers,
        "You're worthless".
Even softer,
          "Just die already".

Why can't I shut
Them out?

You can try to mend
The broken pieces of
My mind

You can try to fix
The damage life
Has left behind

Just know that  
I'll be ok  
But it's going to take time

It's 2 am and I can't get you off my mind
Your words echo in my head
Over and over again
About how much you love me

I don't think I deserve you
Sometimes

I'm a mess
Crude, anxious, controlling
Flawed in all the worst ways

So why
Do you love me?
Do you stay around?

Why do I mean the world to you?

It's crazy to think
That a year ago
I didn't know you existed

It's okay
If you want to cut me out
From your life

I meant
To tell you sooner
But couldn't find the words

You probably see us
As too close for comfort
Now

I guess it'll be better
If we go
Our separate ways

It wasn't meant
To be
Was it?

I don't want to be
Just another girl
To you.

Even though it's true that
Countless others
Have said these words,

"I want to be your
Everything."

But do you
Want to be mine?

People always tell me
That they love my optimism

But what would they say
If they knew it was a mask

To hide my true
Melancholy away

Undo me
Take everything I know
And throw it away

Make me new again
I want to stay
In your arms for a while

When you get to that point
That brink
Where you are totally numb
And nothing matters

You just let it take over
Let it drag you down
Into a never-ending sleep

At least nothing will hurt anymore

You say you want
Something to remember me by

Just in case


But dear
I think my words are enough
For a lifetime

lay with me
let's forget
for a while

let's live
in this moment
just the two of us

i don't want
to accept
we're through

I showed you
The pieces
Of my mind
Today

The look you gave
Glued some of me
Back together

On days when
I am feeling small
And fragile

You make me feel
Like I can
Take on the world