And I want you here now more than ever,
Because you would know what to say,
You would know where to go,
And you could take my hand and guide me there.
I feel so close to the bottom,
I'm scared to get there,
Because I've always been carried,
And now I'm all on my own.
And clearly I didn't handle this well,
Clearly I made a big mistake a ways back,
And I keep making more mistakes,
That made this little ball into a spool,
A spool of the winding errors,
Funneling into the pool,
That has became a display fair,
Consisting of everything I've done in life,
That I've regretted and wished I could change,
And somehow all of that led to the place I am now.
It's like a procession,
Like everything you would walk through,
Was in chronological order and somehow,
It made sense that it ended up here,
It wouldn't seem so illogical,
If it weren't for my dream being right here,
In my reach,
Right in front of me,
And gazing at me so intently,
I can't help but be in love and want it all the more.
But I've ****** everything up so bad,
It's hard to believe that what I want can still be had.
That's why every time I look at her,
My immediate thought is that,
This isn't real,
And there's some joke on me that I am not catching,
Some kind of trick pulled out of a hat,
That it's just a play,
For someone else's entertainment,
And that right when I decide to reach and grab it,
That's when the point of the story is clear,
That drop is when cup overflows,
Or when I walk into the crosshairs,
Or the final straw that broke my strength.
And I just can't do it.
I can't do this again.
When every single day,
The increment between the times I say,
"I want to be alive."
And
"I want to be dead."
Continues increasing, and not in the way it should,
Well I'm just too scared to take the chance.
But despite my fear,
She's just so beautiful,
And her allure is so mesmerizing,
I don't push myself to get closer,
But I don't stop myself either.
I just let myself keep going,
And hope for the best.
I don't want to get my hopes up,
Because I don't expect the best,
But it's hard to deny that in my heart,
I truly want this.
And I want you here now more than ever,
Because you were my home,
You were my safe house,
And no mattered how far I went,
I knew I could always come back,
And you would hold me warm in your arms,
And I could hear the beat of your heart,
Whispering to me that things are okay.
It's unsettling without you.
Everything seems so unfamiliar and estranged.
It doesn't feel like home.
All the nice things are only so for a moment,
They're more like slow acting poisons.
And I'm looking at this girl thinking,
Is she another venom to pulse through my veins,
Or is that really light in her eyes,
Pulling me out of the darkness of this abyss?
And I want you here now more than ever,
Not because I still cling to your lifeless fingertips,
But because this could be another chance at life,
And you would know what to do.

I like ***,
I like drugs,
I like money.

It makes me feel okay.

It makes me feel less like killing myself.

When you had a bae
But then she was just like
"Aye, so this guy asked me out and I said yes"
So now you're just sad.
Because I'm alone now,
You see I wasn't like you,
I didn't have someone else,
I had these feelings I felt,
And they were only for you.
Because when everyone else wasn't,
You still were.
You were who I had
And that was all that I wanted.
And you made it seem so easy to just let me go,
Because maybe this had been building so,
When he came you just said
"Yeah *****, I'm down"
Even though that meant letting me down.
And that hurt me so much,
Because I loved you,
I really ******* did,
And I know that
Because now it's been more than a year,
And still sitting here,
Hoping it won't work out,
So you'll come back and say
"I'm sorry for backing out"
Like I did when it didn't for me,
And I know I was an ***,
But ****, time allows for this to pass,
And I'm hoping, dreaming even,
That this does too, to keep things even,
You see, I hope that you hurt,
That in the days and weeks proceeding
You felt at a loss because you didn't have me.
You let go of me,
But how am I supposed to be free
When I'm trapped inside me?
When we were together
I had a whole other world to explore
But suddenly it was like
Donald Trump built his wall,
And I was imprisoned inside
In the world that I knew but was falling apart.
You see, I hope that you hurt.
Not because I want you to be sad,
All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.
But not like this,
I wanted to be happy with you.
And I'm glad that you smile,
I'm so grateful that you're happy,
But I can't deny
That I'm ******* mad.
No, that I'm sad,
Because you didn't include me.
Like it was only about you.
I was only about you.
I wish you had been about me,
The same way,
I would always say,
That every passing day
I would continue to stay
With You.
Does it mean that I can wait
Two years for a fate
That says I can ask you out,
And then again you'll back out,
But this time it's better,
Because it'll be for the better,
The better of me,
I am selfish, you see.
Or will things have changed,
Be rearranged
To fit a kaleidoscope
That eliminates my hope?
I sure hope not,
Because I still want you here,
In a figurative sense,
Like it always had been,
I'm sorry there was distance
And that that made it hard,
To remember that we existed
In each other's hearts.
But in a way that made it real,
I was only to you,
And you were only to me,
No else would know how we feel,
And we kept that between us,
And that is what we must
Continue to be
So no one would see,
And no one would get between
The lines that tied you to me.
I can't get through to you,
But what else am I supposed to do?
Even though today
I am no closer to you,
Than I was a year ago,
When I was unprepared for this change
That to me was nothing but strange,
And anything but welcome.
I'm writing to you,
And I know you won't see this,
But I hope that you do,
Because no one else will care.
And I hope that when you see this,
It will bring back something,
Something that is okay
In my world of things that are not okay.

I am the light that guides you,
Should you be seeking to leave the dark.

Similarly,

I can be the shadows that immerse you,
Should the light have left you blinded.

I could've said something cooler when she asked,
She may have been interested,
I could've had a chance,
Maybe for a single moment,
She noticed me just a little bit more,
More than the 367 other guys,
And she wanted to know if I was good enough,
If I had enough to offer her,
Or to offer anyone,
To be able to support more than myself,
And clearly my job doesn't allow that,
But she was careful with her words,
She left herself plenty of space to back out,
And so when she asked me,
And I replied with the honest truth,
      "I work at an elementary school."
She brushed me away,
Let her mind drift to something or someone else,
Because a job like mine,
Where I'm below the new minimum wage,
Where I can rarely get a full shift,
Where I sit and play and talk with kids,
And just take care of them,
Until their parents finish with their real jobs,
And come pick them up,
That kind of job,
It can't even support me,
Much less someone else,
And I'm sure she noticed that,
I'm sure that was her first thought,
And I knew it would be,
But I was hopeful,
And I know lies can only go so far,
So I was honest,
And I hoped trying to be nice might get me somewhere,
Maybe a chance to talk beyond a couple replies,
But I was too hopeful,
Being honest as I am never got me anywhere.
But I have to say it was nice,
I liked for a second feeling like a someone to her,
And I have to say if things worked out,
I would give up what little I have,
To give her what little I can,
And maybe it wouldn't be the most,
Maybe it wouldn't have the most monetary value,
Maybe it wouldn't shine the most,
Maybe it wouldn't weigh the most,
But what it does would mean the most,
Because it's all I could give,
And I'd choose to give it to her,
And I would only wish that she'd see it the same,
So that she would be happy,
Because even if I'm not for myself,
If I could make her smile,
I would be happy for her,
And that would mean all the more,
Because I don't only live for me,
To see others smile makes me smile too,
And that's why I have the job I have,
Because every day I can make the kids laugh and smile,
And no,
It won't matter anyone else,
My superiors won't notice,
I won't get a raise,
The parents won't notice,
They won't tip me,
No potential partner would notice,
They wouldn't consider me more for that,
But the children will,
And I will,
I'll notice when they smile,
And they'll notice when they laugh,
And they'll be happy,
And to be able to make another human happy,
Well,
That makes me a little happier,
And to give a child a hug,
One their parents didn't give them,
To be able to teach and guide them,
Because their parents aren't there to,
To be able to give them a happy memory to look back on,
Well,
I'm glad they'll think back to being a kid,
And yes,
Maybe their parents weren't always there,
Because they had to work,
Or for some other reason,
But it doesn't mean they weren't happy,
And it doesn't mean no one cared about them,
It doesn't mean they missed anything other kids had,
I don't think I'd be a good parent,
But just like a parent,
I hope these kids don't make the same mistakes I did,
I hope the advice I gave and lessons I tried to teach,
I hope they made some difference,
I hope when they're my age,
They'll have a better job,
So that when they're asked where they work,
They won't have to be embarrassed to give an honest answer,
And they'll be considered,
And they'll be wanted,
And maybe even loved,
And that's why I keep the job I have,
I might not have the best of everything,
Or anything,
But if I can't have it,
Then I hope someone else can,
I hope someone else can have the happiness I haven't.

"Victor, Victor, Victor."

"Mr. Victor."

"Victor!"

"Victor! Victor! Victor!"

"Mr. Victor!"

"MR. VICTOR"

"VICTOR!"

"VICTOR!"

"...Yes?" I quietly reply with a brief exhale.

"What do you need?"