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 Mar 2019 vanessa
6:58 pm
 Mar 2019 vanessa
my days aren't good days
or bad days
they are just

and they never stop
crawling forward
with me
trapped inside
 Mar 2018 vanessa
i'm still trying to remember who i was before i
stopped smiling at myself in mirrors,
stopped making silly faces at kids when their parents weren't looking,
stopped looking up at the stars.

i'm still trying to understand what i've come to be, how i
started yelling at myself,
started isolating my mind,
started living in a world where i only stare at the ground.

everything just was, and then it wasn't.

{d.f. | 03/13/18}
not sure when my depression or anxiety started exactly. was there no warning? or was i already far too gone to see it?
 Mar 2018 vanessa
i wish to find someone who would hold me
while i bleed
wrap me in daydream words
as my ribcage drips bitter fluorescence
adorn my fragile soul with sprinkled stardust
and tell me its


while they unfold
my jagged horizons stitched with blunt needles
and love me for the dark between the constellations
the shadows under the brightest planets
hold the twilight in their palms and show me
I am alive
a bit more abstract but its kinda nice i like it
 Mar 2018 vanessa
to you
 Mar 2018 vanessa
you visit my head rather frequently
more than i had hoped you would
the one tangible star
that came across my fragile soul even I am too afraid to love
but regardless
i sing to you inside my head
hoping you would stay a little bit more
maybe continue breathing a little bit of life into me
for just a few moments i thought you would stay forever
because the way you smiled like i mattered
meant everything to me.
 Mar 2018 vanessa
 Mar 2018 vanessa
You are what you eat
they say

but if thats certain
i’ll probably die soon
for I keep swallowing my words
eating itself alive
 Mar 2018 vanessa
1:44 a.m.
 Mar 2018 vanessa
the sun shows our promises of tomorrow
we all walk beneath it
knowing there is a tomorrow
because thats how our world works

theres a today
and then a tomorrow.
the usual.
it's not supposed to go

out   of   order

we're not supposed to be stuck in the past
wondering if there would ever be a tomorrow
for we can't seem to shake off the night in our body system
our insomnia riddled souls drown us deep into the
everlasting reminder that

there may not be a tomorrow.

beneath our closed eyelids
within our captured brains
all of our sunlit promises suddenly seem so
aaaaaaaaaa anxietyanxietyanxiety
 Mar 2018 vanessa
its 2:34 A.M.

the city lights are covered by curtains i don't remember shutting
i can feel my trembling hand
but i can’t see it

the ink black atmosphere that wraps around me
reminded me of no one

that i was alone.
that i am alone.
that i’d be alone.

so I made a mistake
i welcomed the monster underneath my bed
gave her a name
and let her take mine.

i know she’s the monster everyones supposed to fear
but once you're really alone
even the monster underneath your bed is someone you can talk to

we got close
maybe a little too close

she snuck through me
and i breathed her in.

now, i am cracked.
i am shards and spilled ink.
my teeth hold me back like I'm a prisoner within myself
i am reduced to nothing but empty words
leaving no trace of who i used to be
the world roared and swallowed me

i’m gone.

its 5:48 A.M.
the marigold light finally peeks its eyes through the distant echoes and silences
but its no use
i guess monsters aren't the worst things after all.
 Mar 2018 vanessa
we pour our words on a piece of paper
words that were once whispers that floated through the wind.
too quiet for anyone to hear
too gentle for anyone to hold onto.
yet they were the cries of agony
from cuts and bruises left to scar our heavy souls

we pour our words on a piece of paper
in hope for our whispers to be heard.
might add more
 Mar 2018 vanessa
the pain of losing someone
it strikes sharp
a needle aimed exactly right where it breaks the most

and the tiny hole created slowly grows heavier
burdened by the swallowed words you could've said to them

you force yourself to stop the bleeding in your gaping hole
but your arms are already tired from trying to hold onto the last shred of light
your feet are stained with bruises and cuts that leave crimson colored footsteps

they left you with the bitter aftertaste of unspoken words
candy cotton promises of the future we never got to share
the smell of smoke from burning hazy memories in the fire of our charred throats

you hear the world as deafening emptiness and everything around you has turned into ashes of silence

— The End —