I feel many things,
tilting my head to gaze at the sky in the warmth
of bright sunlight on a chilly, autumn day
the sound of faded orange-red leaves
crunching beneath my feet,

I feel like flying,
suddenly feeling the wind lift me up into
the air and so high until I'm far away,
far from the troubles that weigh me down like
the world on Atlas' shoulders, and suffocate me
like manmade islands spreading on the ocean's surfaces,
far from the sounds of people and things
writhing in agony and their endless desires
that are never met before the time of death arrives,

In the clouds, I won't have that sickness
to restrain me from expanding into the horizon,
the sickness that sprouts from seeds of ignorance
and society's flaws, rapidly shooting out into
weeds of choking anger that suffocates my entire being
and distorts my reflection when I put on makeup
and peer in vain at the me in the mirror,

In the pure fields of grass that sweep
the horizon's grounds as far I can see,
there are no dripping wells of bitterness and remorse
soaking into the roots of blooming flowers,
the ones I will pick and offer to you,

in the hopes that you represent
for all of eternity,
for all of me,
goodness and justice,
freedom and forgiveness,
faith and love.

To whoever matters,

sorry for not being able to sort out my priorities

sorry for giving into life's surroundings
and losing myself

sorry for being a disappointment
because I will never be enough

sorry for being a failure
no matter how hard I try and then

sorry for not trying as hard anymore
because there are so many out there who will always be better

sorry for just not being able to give a **** sometimes
because everything important is just pieces of paper
waiting for someone to burn them

sorry for making you work so hard
when I know I'm not worth it

sorry for never learning from my mistakes because
I'm too dumb to figure them out or even remember
what they are to me

sorry for being so mad at the world that I can't
seem to be a positive or understanding person anymore

sorry for hating who I am but never taking the time to reflect
on things and thinking about the things I could change

sorry for being so self-absorbed and centered at times

sorry for being so hurt that I want to hurt every person in the world

sorry for not being in control of my life and

sorry for no longer trying to fight for it

sorry for always having to regret everything
to let anger overwhelm me in the moment and

brand a broken heart on the future's arrival
to the present

sorry for falling into a bottomless pit and
not being strong enough to climb back out

sorry for always thinking about the ending
before taking the chance to live

sorry for not being sorry enough to have
what it takes to get up and try to be
the person I want to be.

What do I call that feeling of being trapped,
from all directions, no matter where I turn
the walls are heavily falling in, and the gates leading
somewhere else are closed on me.
I think at some point, I was on a fragile threshold
containing fresh rebel colors
swirled in humbled and sincere (maybe somewhat dumb,
but original) good causes,
I think I felt an embracement of
others and their incredible flawed love,
I saw a pair of eyes that tried to drink in
the colors of deep sunsets illuminating skies
with a fervent longing for the stars representing
a different Galaxy, despite my poor vision
in the darkness
I've discovered there's a simplicity that's hard to explain
and shape into words or figures clear enough
for them to understand-- because it is,
the most simplest feelings that go by
misunderstood, forgotten, or unnoticed
When I first started to find myself
in the acknowledgment of my flaws and the reluctance
of my rational brain to think, while my mind
wanted to expand and reach out towards others,
I've now come down to the realization
of a lone girl's crushed dreams and longings
even before her life began.

And how,
can you tell me
is that possible

I lost my baby daughter
She was two months old
And for many years
My heart stayed very cold
Then I finally realized
All good people He lets in
But He only makes angels
Of those who live and die without sin

"Have some fire.
Be unstoppable.
Be a force of nature.
Be better than anyone here,
and don't give a ****
what anyone thinks.
There are no teams here,
no buddies.
You're on your own.
Be on your own."

When my eyes yearn for
acceptance, remembrance, and love
my soul will refuse to
let my mind wither away from
disappointments over discovering
that life isn't always
creamy coffee and lovely poetry
and cuddling around a warm hearth
or parking your car in
the middle of nowhere and
dancing underneath shooting stars,
sometimes, it's just
everlasting shades of pain
and grasps of time slipping away
and losing yourself
in a flurry of life around you.
sometimes while living
we feel as if we are dying,
and in those moments
we must have fire
and be unstoppable,
a force of nature
better than anyone else
never listening to others' wallows,
and all of the time,
I am the only person
who can change, move on
and live my life.

Mercury,
We came in close and so fast
I wondered who was
In orbit around who
When in actuality
We encircled each other.
You wore copper eyeshadow
And I still think it's the most beautiful thing you've ever worn

Venus,
Your hair was so lovely
You claimed you never needed to brush it
Because I would always run my hands through it anyways.
You had dimples and reminded me
Of some forgotten lullaby.
I wish you sang me to sleep.

Earth,
Down to it and practical
I don't know how we ever fit,
Seeing as I'm in the clouds
And you're firm in the ground.
We can't reach each other
The distance is sometimes too much.

Mars,
You loved me before you knew me
And that was a mistake
Because I was in a bad place
And I only brought you
Further down
I'm sorry honey.

Jupiter,
So I chucked plans and list
Out the window for you,

Threw my
heart

Into your
Hands.
Did you even want it?
Or did you want my tally marked heart?

Saturn,
'Marry me
We can live
Together far away
From all these disappointments."
But I didn't want to leave,
Because if I left, I'd never stop drifting.
You didn't like my answer.

Uranus,
Things with you were so so backwards
I asked you to be mine
I bought you flowers
I kissed first
I tried
To stop
But I love
Too much
Too fast
Too pure

Neptune,
We're constellations
I could look at the star streaked sky
While you pushed the swing higher
And higher,
And see
Us
Holding hands
But I left
Because your permanence scared me
I apologize for disappearing

Pluto,*
We haven't met yet
In this romantic dance
But I hope you have a wonderful heart
If you're reading this
Or if you read it one day
I would just like to hold your hand
And tell you how beautiful you are
I don't need much
Just a chance