cigarette smoke in the living room
begging for therapy
she tells him he has to choose
the drugs or the baby
& he says he won’t do it again
but his hands keep splitting from the bones in her face
i’m trying to be a good friend
but there’s still so much i have left to say
she wants a happy ending but i don’t know what to tell her
i’m not a physic
i’m just a writer.

home is christmas of 2019 when i decorated the tree holding my favorite niece
home is the summer before my first year of middle school when i danced everyday in my mother’s giant kitchen or in the middle of the street
home is not 52 days ago when i tried to take my life & failed
home is not 11 days ago when i ran until my feet bled-
until i derailed
when i was little i was told home is where the heart is
when i was little i was told that home is within
when i was little i was referred to as a tornado
because i had broken every home i’d been in.
home is last night when i rocked my nephew to sleep
home is this morning when i laughed with my sisters
home is not summer sixteen when i felt incredibly weak
home is not five years ago when i stayed in that house down the street
maybe home is inside me
maybe it’s laying on the floor in my room
maybe home is exactly where i left it in your car where i last kissed you
or maybe it’s not even around anymore
maybe it left with the moon...

you’re heavier now
like every move you make weighs a ton
you’re in a billion pieces & you know exactly how-
it’s all because you fell in love.
you walk the same paths but that street doesn’t mean the same
she’s so close & you used to love it
now you’re aching to place miles between you two because you’re slowly going insane.
& what do you do when you love her more than she loves you?
more than you can say?
you find someone with the same exact name.
this one is quiet & calm, but she’ll consume the whole world if you’d let her
she’s art in a bottle
& when you open it
sunshine spills out
but how do you love this one?
you have no idea how.
you try to take it slowly
breathing before you speak
but you’re in the woods & you’re alone
& you just know she’s the one you want to marry.
then the storm will come & you won’t notice until it’s right outside your window
she’ll beg you to stay but the love is too little
you’ll ache for her company & wish you could take it all back
but you’re doing it for the wrong reasons & everyone knows that
so when you say goodbye you’ll mean it
‘cause now you’re closing every door she had opened
you’re heavier now
much heavier than before
but you have to just let it all go
you’re not tied down anymore.

you say you love me more
& you know what?
you probably do.
because the second i started kissing her
is the second i stopped loving you.
i won’t try & justify what i’ve done in any type of way
but i also won’t fall to my knees & beg for you to stay
in a perfect world you’d be the perfect girl
but this isn’t a perfect world
therefore
you’re not the perfect girl
at least, not for me-
maybe the worst part is that you never will be.
i told you that i don’t know how to love & you said "let me teach you"
i told my friends that i hate being tied to someone & they said "she'd be good for you"
& now here we are.
i once watched my sister break her teeth on our porcelain sink because the only boy she ever loved drowned somewhere in the sea
i walked in on my mom & a broken mirror with blood spilling from her veins
she shattered like glass because my stepdad left & she can’t handle change
i have so many locked doors in my heart & in my head
i read & write & read & write & bleed & bleed until i’m dead
this path i’m on is dark & twisted
this place i'm going is filled with pain
i know that you love me enough to still choose to stay
but i don't love you at all-
you need to walk away.

there’s a lot going on here
i am coming undone like threads in a sweater my mother once bought for me
my chest is caving in to make room for the sky
i can’t figure out how to survive & you know exactly why.
8 days ago i kissed you & you told me you loved me before you left
i know it’s only three little words but they knocked me in my chest.
there’s a lot going on here
i see nothing but moments i should’ve taken & words i should’ve said
21 hours ago i talked myself off the ledge
because i chose water over blood & it still hasn’t settled with me
21 hours ago i wished to be dead
thank god for the one person that saved me.
it gets dark before it should now
& the earth is on its side
all my lighters were stolen last week
& last night i forgot i can’t see past unmarked tombstones
it’s may & i try not to cry because i can’t remember what your voice tastes like
but i know i’m in love.
there’s just an empty that fills
& since then, things just fall apart at my touch
i am coming undone like yarn in the blanket my late grandmother put together for me
i am swirling
i am swirling
how do i save me?

i love you today & tomorrow & tomorrow’s night
i love you forever & ever for the rest of my life,
but you’re gone now,
& i know this.
goodbye now,
we saw this.
& my friends tried to tell me the truth behind your words,
my friends tried to warn me-
they warned me that i’d get this hurt.
but honestly i can’t feel it
my frozen heart is numb
honestly, i can’t feel it
& i think i like that i’m numbed.
if i had one wish-
just one,
i’d spend it on you,
because i want you to have all the things i couldn’t give you-
the things that i couldn’t do.
& i know that you miss me,
as you sit in your purple room, i know that you think of me
just not as much as i think of you.
i can see you in my walls, you know
in each little crack-
i see you in my bed & in my blankets & every single place you were at
you’re lined up in my bookshelf & in every single page & in every single letter
& you’re in all the pictures,
but i just wish i knew you better.
i wish i could convince you to stay
but i know it’d be a waste of time,
i wish i could tell you, i need you
i love you
& that i’m sorry for my lies.
& i wish you understood what i’m feeling & what i’m going through every day
i wish you understood that i’m drowning in a world where drowning is the new age.
& i wanted to draw you & write you with my words
i wanted to touch you until not touching you hurt
& i wanted to love you & kiss you until you screamed at me to stop
but there was no screaming today,
today was just a loss.
& maybe when i look in my mirror, i won’t see green eyes
& maybe when i touch my skin, you’ll stop living inside
but loving you is all i have left to do
so if you want this again,
it’s all set & ready for you.
& i’m washing you out of my hair
& trying to get you out of my eyelids
because i can feel you everywhere
even though you’ve never really been inside them.
& i can cover my ears & pretend that i don’t still hear you
but i can’t close my mouth because i can still feel you
& i miss you-
i miss you like i’ve missed you since middle school
i miss you like i’ve missed you since 7th grade
i miss you like i’ve missed you since three years ago when you & i just
weren’t anything
& i’ve loved you for so long that it’s all that i breathe
& i’m inhaling water so it’s very hard to scream,
so if i open my eyes & you want to come back,
honestly, i’d be perfectly okay with that.
& i know things are hard right now-
i know things are tough,
but i love you
i’m just sorry that i wasn’t enough.

she kisses me & my body explodes
& she knows she knows she knows
she can sense that i love her.
i don't say the words at first
we just sit in her car and talk about what it's like being this hurt
& she holds me in her sweet little hands
& i choke down all these words because i don't want this night to end.
her eyes always see more than i'd like for her to know
she's an open book filled with blank pages because i'm getting too close
after tonight, she'll close off again
after tonight, her book will be locked
after tonight, she’ll forget that i love her
i’ll be expected to do the same
& i probably will do what she asks
but tonight, i'm allowed to love her
because just for tonight, she loves me back.