Julia Shalom

Julia Shalom Aug 2020

I am in a room.
So many people
They just can't seem to stop talking,
laughing,
joking,
having a good time.

Can't they see it is futile?
Can't they see I am in pain?
Can't they see I need quiet?

No, they can't.
But maybe that is because I can't either.
Maybe I don't know myself so no one knows me.

I don't want to be seen.
I want to disappear.
To be a mystery.

But I can't stop their eyes.
I can't change who I am.
But I can change how I see myself.

So I will.
I will see myself,
Not through my eyes.
But through His eyes.

#insecure #god #hidden #known

Julia Shalom Aug 2020

So much, yet so little...

So much to do.
Yet Bored.

Relaxed day.
So Tired.

Could do great things.
But Fill my day with empty acts instead.

Why.
Why can't I just be productive?

I can.
I will.
I will stop writing poetry just to fill time.
I go now to make the world a better place.
One act of intention at a time.

Will I see you there?

How I feel today...

#procrastination #busy #lazy #determined

Julia Shalom Aug 2020

They Tell Me

Smile,
Look nice,
Wear makeup,
They tell me.

Talk to friends,
Talk to Strangers,
Talk to us,
They tell me.

Eat quietly,
Be generous,
Serve others,
They tell me.

But what if I am not okay?
Makeup can't hide what is inside.
Maybe others won't see it,
But I can't escape.
I can't escape the emptiness.
The pain.
The longing.
Longing to belong,
To be loved,
To love.

So I get down on my knees.
And after prayer,
I know I belong
I am loved.
I love.

And so in truth,
I smile.
I look nice,
But not of my own doing.
My joy is not from me.
My joy is showing through the cracks.
The cracks formed by heartbreak,
Betrayal,
And loss.

But those cracks,
They enable the treasure inside to shine out.
So that all around can see,
I belong in Christ,
I am loved by my Savior,
And I love Him.

Julia Shalom Aug 2020

Beautifully Ordered Chaos

Beautifully ordered chaos.
That is what he called me.
Like an overgrown flower garden.
From afar all you see are the flaws;
Scattered, secretive, excitable, overwhelming.
But upon close inspection,
One can detect a slight order.
Splotches of color and variety.

But to see any true beauty,
You can't just view it from the outside.
You have to get within.
You have to fully know it.
And when you get inside,
That is when you see the beauty.

He saw my beauty where others saw only chaos.
But he also saw my chaos,
It is a part of me.
And he thought it was beautiful.
He thought I was beautiful.
He saw all my flaws,
And accepted them.
Accepted me.

Julia Shalom Aug 2020

Beautiful?

Beautiful
That is what he thought I was.
But I am poisonous.
Deadly and beautiful, the greatest contradiction,

I long to be loved.
But I know that anyone who loves me,
I can't help love back.
But whenever someone gets that close,
My poison transfers to their heart.
Until the one I love, dies.

So I don't let anyone love me.
I don't allow myself to love.
The consequences are too great.
And I can't lose you.
Not again.