there are days i dread writing, to get into my characters’ heads, and live their lives full of  passion and violence

it gets to me, changes my mood, i feel it, intensely, as if it were happening to me, and i can’t escape without trauma, collateral damage for the day

so i procrastinate, avoid and ignore it, distracting myself in the mundane and minutia

love is a lie, a fool’s errand, a lost cause of being burned and churned; chewed up and spat out; of hate and bitterness. teenage veterans traumatized by the senseless romantic violence of the endless ****** wars.

of ****** prostituting themselves out to Chads and Tyrones, eating like pigs at an unlimited buffet, using, abusing, and abandoning, when they’ve had their fill.

of simps acting like dancing monkeys entertaining and quenching thirsty Stacies, who string them along, placeholders until a Tyrone pays attention to them.

how do i live without you
without love
when it’s all that i crave
i miss the tenderness
the soft embraces
of you in my bed

i’m a donkey with an ice cream cone on my forehead pretending to be a unicorn

how bittersweet it is
knowing from the first kiss
one day you’ll leave

love is an illusion
a false reprieve
quenching the soul
lost in the blackness of rejection

i miss you…so much…, it hurts
i can’t stop thinking about you…,dreaming about you
i need to feel you…, touch you…, smell and taste you
hear your whispers, moans, fears and secrets
feel your sweat and wetness against my skin
say it, i want to hear it, that you love me
and only me

i’m tired of the false hopes and mirages of love and happy endings
disillusioned and disgusted with the the lies and manipulations
i am numb, have given up, and disassociated
i don’t see any hope and feel helpless in an unbearable situation
how do others do it, haven normal relationships
am i broken or just don’t know how to communicate
with all the therapy, am i still sick, still choosing the damaged ones
i need to stop, take a break, re-evaluate
or accept my fate

I want to spread melted chocolate across your lips and gently kiss it off kiss by kiss as you moan and sigh

I want to pour warm cream on your ******* and **** on them till you beg for me to stop.

I want to drizzle honey on your ***** and slowly lick it off, inch by inch, as you whimper and shudder with pleasure.

****** if i do or don’t
you ****** with my head and heart
you’re BPD, fear-avoidant, and don’t even know it
you’re hormonal, emotional
feelings whipsawing all over the place
i’m tired, exhausted, depleted
i’m sad it ended this way
but i had to walk away
to maintain my sanity

we love so differently
you and me
what is that you need
safety or fantasy
a list of unmet wants
recanted endlessly
oblivious of your needs
sabotaging us
as you fluctuate hormonally
i’m exhausted
i close the door
and leave

how can i open up and trust
and make myself vulnerable
in this dangerous game of love
when the stakes are high
and lust is ephemeral as a day fading into night
how long will love last when everyone is disposable
and a replacement a swipe away
how much value do I have in your eyes
before and after we say, “i love you”

where do i find love
if not in your arms
where i feel safest
and have no fears
i hear your breathing
feel your heart beating
i relish the feel of your body
entwined under covers next to me
there is no world beyond
just what’s in front
your big beautiful eyes
looking back at me

i love you
je t'aime
te amo
said the little french boy
to the little mexican girl

heartbreak is the cruelest and most beautiful of pains
welling unadulterated from the depths of a suffering soul
cry child, cry with all your heart and soul, let the tears flow
trying to wash away the pain that will never go away

i remember our last kiss
the sweetness of your lips
the sorrow in your eyes
as tears streaked down your cheeks

it depresses me to realize that i’ve become one of the zombies shopping late at night in bleak, overly fluorescently lit, dingy yellow dollar store on the outskirt of small texas town.

i watch them shuffle around, talking to themselves, looking lost, swiveling their heads frantically, searching for cheap store brands to match their coupons and save what little social security money they live on so they can buy tobacco and alcohol.

who the **** am i to judge what makes a person happy when it’s hard to find and so temporary.

i loved you
you were my creation
come to life
off my pages
i was dumbfounded
when we met
you were her
in every way
the coincidences and serendipity
scared me
i studied you
as we dated
fascinated
what ecstasy
to hold and kiss
my protagonist
the four months
that we dated
were euphoric
then it ended
abruptly
still infatuated
i hurt so bad
i cried so much
the excruciating pain
tearing up my heart
of Pygmalion losing Galatea
of me losing Laura

i’ve grown cold, hateful, and bitter
from too many romantic failures
lost hope in happy endings
as i fall asleep sobbing and wake up crying
wishing it had been a nightmare instead of reality

like winter leaves
blown around
i grow cold
inside and out
i have no more tears
for her or myself
i’ve relinquished all hope
accepted my fate
of growing old
and dying alone

when i realized
you were worse than better
and was being played
i let go and violently crashed
out of heaven and into hell
full of my worst fears and nightmares
to suffer the emotional savagery and carnage
wreaked upon my heart and soul
there aren’t enough tears to wash away the pain
screams loud enough to express my suffering
but lay curled up, shivering in a pool of blood and feces
and wait for Time to heal anguish and sorrow

you care for her
as tender as a child
as she holds on the handles of a shopping cart
small and petite and as still as a mouse
trembling from cold or fear
staring into space
eyes white and blind from age
you were once strapping
and have weakened and bent with age
shuffling the aisle
gathering goods
the first time i saw you
and realized the dynamics
and saw the tenderness between you
i teared up and walked away
only to start to sob uncontrollably halfway down the aisle
envious of a such a love
wishing i had just a little bit of it

defeated by life
i walk towards Death
slowly
methodically
willingly
no longer afraid
as He reaches out
and embraces me
i sob in relief
as my fears
anxieties
and life
slowly fade away

I hold you in my arms
safe and warm
in the depths of a night
sitting by the fireplace
whispering “te quiero”
softly in your ear
kissing your lips
ever so tenderly
i lose myself
in your eyes
intoxicated
by your scent
the feel of your hair
against my face
how can i resist
your body
your heart
your soul

“I have something for you,” Gérard said with a bit of excitement in his voice.

“What it is,” Séraphine asked coyly with a smile and looking deep into Gérard’s eyes.

Gérard reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a blue velvet jewelry bag and gave it to her.

Séraphine opened it and pulled out a black velvet choker with a ruby pendant. Her eyes widened and her smile exploded as she exclaimed, “it’s beautiful.”

“Will you put it on me,” and spun around lifting up her thick black hair exposing her creamy white neck and shoulders.

Caught off guard, his first instinct was to kiss her neck and shoulders; the temptation made even worse from the sweet sensuous scent of her perfume.

He gently put the choker around her neck and locked the clasps. She let her hair down and turned around, looking at him with her big brown eyes.  

She took his phone, and searched for “You’re the One That I Want,” by Lo-Fang on Spotify, took his hand, and led him to the middle of the living room, stopping in front of the fireplace.

“Dance with me,” she whispered.

He took her in his arms as she pressed herself against his chest, listening to his heart beat. He wrapped his arms around her as she meld into him smiling.

They swayed slowly to the melody and danced. She felt so good in his arms: warm, soft, feminine; right as rain.

He stopped, and she looked up into his eyes. He tilted his head forward and kissed her neck as she sighed softly in his ear, surrendering herself to him.

i yearn when you are gone
ache to hold you in my arms
feel your body soft and warm
pressed firmly against mine
i miss your voice, your hair, the look in your eyes
as we kiss softly in the crisp winter’s night

“How do you prefer to dance Tango? Open or closed.” I asked, looking into her big brown eyes.

“Open,” she replied softly. “Which do you prefer?”

“Closed,” I said, opening up my arms, and letting her decide on the embrace.

At 5 foot 10, and with heels on, she stood even with me; she stepped forward, embracing me, chest to chest, as I wrapped my arms around her, surprised, but glad that she'd chosen the closed embrace, which told me so much about her. I had sensed, but now I knew. She was the quintessential follower: passionate and sensuous, surrendering herself unconditionally to her leader.

Her femininity and demureness, unconsciously and instinctively brought out an urge in me to protect. I held her, gently, lovingly, and slowly started to rock back and forth to the music, like a man rocking a baby.  

We started to dance and within seconds I felt it: the chemistry. Our bodies attuned, and we danced as one, losing ourselves in the melody.

Her hair brushed against my face, and I could smell her scent, earthy and delicate like rain.

We turned, and I held her tighter, feeling her softness, her ******* pressing against my chest. Who was she, mysteriously, coming out of nowhere, like an angel in the night?

how do i blind my mind’s eye
from the horrors that i see
quiet the screams
of the dying in my ears
that i tremble with rage and fear
at what is about to come

how lonely do you have to be
for the pain to be greater than the fear
of the perceived anxieties and inadequacies
while slowly starving from a lack of connection
as you medicate and fail to keep the void away

I lie and distract myself
to avoid confronting the truth
and avoid the pain
that I am lonely and afraid

how many tears can i cry
mourning the death of God
who is nonexistent
as I lose my soul and faith
realizing i am an orphan
a man without a Father
i pray that You are real
and not a figment
of our collective imagination
don’t forsake me
as i have forsaken You
i want and need to believe
there’s meaning to my existence

how can i trust and make myself vulnerable
when love is the most dangerous game of all
the suffering inflicted and endured in pursuit of romantic bliss
romeo and juliet were martyrs and a myth
foolishly chasing a fantasy inventing by society
what do you need, what do i need to feel loved and safe
fully knowing the fragility of a romantic relationship  
alone in bed crying craving wishing to be held
wanting so much to surrender to a lover
and feel their hands and lips upon my body

how beautiful
and filled with sorrow
as we held each
that last night
of summer
crying, whispering, “i love you”
as we said goodbye
sitting on my chevy
at dairy queen
hoping
to be together
forever
knowing cruelly
we were just
summer lovers
minor characters
in each other's diaries

the days are finally growing shorter
and the temperature has begun to cool
i can hear the change in the air
and feel the hecticness of summer slowing
mellowing becoming fall
i am looking forward to sweaters and pumpkin spice lattes
snuggling and kissing you by the fireplace

angry is the sun burning the sky
baking and pummeling all that is living
to cry or pray to a god who doesn’t listen
i fear we’ve been forgotten and forsaken
we see it now the apocalypse
we can no longer hide or run
i have made peace with what is about to come

the moon casts no shadow
in this realm where owls wink and stars scream
how long this journey on a starless sea
where time forgets but fate remembers
our lives ephemeral as a child’s tear
i remember our first kiss
and your last breath
while holding you, in my arms
as we both died, that day in june
the bloom withered, died, and was blown away
how long ago was yesterday
as i sit alone with your ghost
how cruel is winter when I remember spring
as the first snow falls
covering the ruins and ashes of regret
i light the last candle, no longer afraid

lost in fog and fire
running towards a false horizon
a starless night cometh
reeling from too many horrors
a mind over wrought
from hearing the screams
of children dying
the ***** of a rose
blinding the mind’s eye
praying wishing not to see
the white orchid die

from menarche to menopause
far gone are the days of youth
as ****** attractiveness flickers
like a candle’s wick extinguishes
lacking missing craving
the male gaze’s validation
wishing for some attention
men don’t see you
a ghost among the nubile
a hallucination from yesterday

we’re all dead
we just haven’t realized it yet
the world is burning,writhing ,dying
before our eyes
and we choose to ignore it
pretend it isn’t happening
wishing, hoping, praying
things will get back to normal
only fools and idiots believe it so
this is the beginning of the end
it’s going to to get worst
accelerate as we watch in horror
what have we done
what can we do
it is too late
we’ve past
the point of no return
we're standing
at hell's gate

a writer’s pen
a dancer’s body
scribbling scrawling
undulating gyrating
across floor and paper
danced and imagined
love expressed in words and gestures

it hurts

living
to feel the full force
of the human condition

loving
another then being lied to
and abandoned

when lonely and overwrought
with heartbreak and self loathing

screaming silently
so god can hear me

i pop sleeping pills
to fall asleep and not feel

my only salvation is in writing
to give the pain expression

i’ve lost hope
numb and reeling
living the aftermath
of a foreseen tragedy
remembering
what was important
when there was time
to love
and dream

the sun burns white in an endless sky
as i forget the silver glow of a faint moon
i no longer hear signs of life
all is quiet
most everything is dead
stars hang reflectionless
in a sea of tears
i struggle to remember
what life was like
when things were normal
when there was hope
that last summer
of two thousand nineteen

a dancer’s body
a writer’s pen
undulating gyrating
scribbling scrawling
across floor and paper
choreographing sweating
imagining writing  
touching kissing loving
expressed in her movements and his words

between the sun and moon
in the realm of dreams and fantasies
i kissed a fairy
ever so softly
reaching out
touching her face
her eyes sweet gentle kind
i cry
as i remember
as the sun rises
wishing begging pleading
she was real

close your eyes
to die
my child
forget it all
let go
let it disappear
remember the pleasure
forget the pain  
surrender
fall asleep
have no fear
awaken never more
rest
forever in peace
mama’s here

teenage hope
that slowly dies
replaced by sorrow
as high school dreams
whither
to reality