you see it coming
but can do nothing
but rage and cry
get on your knees
praying to Him
as He slowly
lets you die

the best has past
your youth long gone
you savor, remember
your first communion
a touch, a kiss
so innocent, exhilarating
never to be forgotten

in a foreign land
i lose myself
forgetting who i was
not remembering my name
slowly accepting new ways
loving you
going native

at the bottom of brandy bottle
my inkwell dry
quill worn
parchment filled
i’ve run out of words
thought
ideas
there’s nothing left to say
i have to go deeper
darker
afraid of what i’ll see
frighten of the communion
weary of the price
i’ll have to pay

i listen to the thunder
the wind
and pattering rain
reading writing
drinking coffee
before dawn
what a beautiful morning

how pure
how white
do i have to be
for you to forgive me

hate and rage
lashing out
acting out
hurt for hurt
when i feel so helpless

youth, beauty, ***
power, influence, currency
ephemeral, fragile, purity
young, old, mortality
look at me
what do you see
am i pretty
do you want me
what’s my value
to you
to me

so beautiful
passionate
you cry
not know why
something stirs
resonates
welling up
from your subconscious
seeking connection
any intimacy
physical emotional
so as not to feel
alone
vulnerable
inwardly pleading
rescue me

queued up
waiting to die
of a terrifying bliss
yet to come
emotionally blunted
benzos in the blood
feeling neither pain nor pleasure
whipsawing laughing crying
how to squelch the fear
the anxiety
reality fades
evaporates before your eyes
not happy sad just numb
rocking to and fro
******* on a thumb
waiting for sleep beauty
who never comes

don’t be afraid
child
you’re young
the best is yet to come

there is a sadness to spring
as the days grow longer
the weather warmer
there is nowhere to hide
no excuses to give
missing the cold
the dark nights
sitting with a blanket
by the fireplace
hidden from the world
and it’s problems

a fresh coat of paint
on the walls of a tomb
haunted by ghosts
too young to have died
or old faded and forgotten
who remembers them
who really cares

the body keeps score
resurrecting at night
re-living early in the morning
when it’s dark and you’re lonely
fragile most vulnerable
waking up crying
remembering replaying
traumas past and present

i float among the stars
slowly spinning
touching nothing
feeling something
it’s crystal clear
not black or white
but somewhere
in between
lost in time
surrounded by sound
it all stops
the silence is deafening

it’s unbearable
numbing and crushing
destroying
my will
to live
this darkness
surrounded by loneliness

the slow swirl
of a cloud
in a endless sky
wandering
among the stars
as the moon dims
a dream fades
remembered briefly
at sunrise
i wake up crying
for a life
i've ever lived

you realize
you’re aging
getting old
closer to dying
with every sunrise

fear takes hold
creeping into your mind
consuming your thoughts
i am no longer young
spry or vibrant

i feel helpless
hopeless
how long do i have
before the sun’s final set

you will die
be forgotten
only your poems
and writings
maybe remembered

you ache
for the touch
of a man
desperate
afraid
of growing old
dying alone

i find shelter
in your arms

forget the past
the pain and sorrow

your embrace
reassuring

enveloping me
in love and safety

your kisses
soothing

comforting
melting the world away

your touch
tells me so much

it heals my heart
anchors my soul

reminds me
i am not alone

locked eternally
in an embrace

i and you
you and me

together forever

the pain
is unbearable

the loneliness
overwhelming

my soul
is screaming in agony

it’s too hard

i can’t
won’t

do this anymore

i’m not going survive
this time

losing
living

existing
without you

I miss
the relationship
partying
drinking
*******
I just don’t miss
you

ahhhhhhhh
make it stop

the loneliness
and grief

we were full
of big plans
high hopes
but we were too young
and dumb
to know
how hard
it was going to be
we shattered
when confronted
with the reality

I left
walked out
i had too
you weren’t
my forever

alone
again
scared
vulnerable
like a fawn
laying
in a forest hollow

the loneliness
is unbearable
i’m numb
nausea
since you’ve
been gone

i miss
your body
it’s warmth
your skin
touching mine

in a storm
of love and hate
isolation deafens
numbing
the mind
blinding
the eyes
of hope and joy
a heart
shrivels
a soul
dies
burning eternally
in a hell
of despair

when the mind goes blind
the heart grows cold
souls extinguish
a child turns
you are called
by no one there
a flower wilts
a baby cries
how does it feel
knowing
you are dying

i’ve searched
for happiness
listened
believed
TV psychologist
babble
bogus claims
find bliss
at the end
of the rainbow

i realize now
it was a lie
what i found
instead
is the here
and now
being present
and content

under a black sun
death came

bodies hang
from dule trees

a tragedy
of commons

each is guilt
all will die

maggots feast
none will cry

Everybody stop
stop pretending
that everything is normal
as if the climate
hasn’t change

the happy days
are over
there is no hope
for the future

humanity will
survive
our way of life
will soon die

life
loses it meaning
when you know
there is no future

when we all pretend
we haven’t past
the point
of no return

hoping
everything
will go back to normal

why bother
life lust love
we’ve been given
a death sentence

a dragonfly
set me off

i realized
i didn’t hear insects
didn’t see birds

just felt
the sun
searing
scorching
parching
the earth
dissecting
my body
sapping away
my will to live

i’ve become anxious
depressed
lethargic
despondent  

i don’t understand why
now I realized
i’m afraid
of what’s about to come
Earth is dying

life will never be the same
normality has gone
this is the day
God died

it’s too late
we’ve passed
the point
of no return

we are witnessing
the beginning
of the end

it’s only
going to get worst
hotter
drier

we are pretending
ignoring
wishing
everything
was ok

we know
it’s going to get bad
starvation
climate migration
some are going to live
many are going to die

i’ve stopped caring
unplugged
from the news
facebook
& social media

i need to protect myself
my health
mental
emotional
as a parent does
for a child

i am powerless
feel helpless
a paper tiger
i can only offer
empty prayers

i am overwhelmed
wrung out
from theses
never ending
crises

i am suffering
from compassion fatigue
i no longer give a ****
about starving kids
or drowned refugees

i am afraid
of relapsing
falling back
into addiction

i need a brake
an escape
from the everyday
stresses

it's all been said
been written
expressed
how many ways

why bother
to write
re-hash
the obvious  

what can you say
that those before
haven’t

how many ways
can you whisper
your agonies

i lie
to myself
and others
when i say
I am not afraid
to die

it terrifies me
the idea
of ceasing
to exist

when you look down
at the body
of your mother
lying in a coffin
as the lid is closed
lowered in the ground
and covered by dirt
there is nothing else to say
but shed tears
of regret

it’s time

let go

accept

the inevitable

fall

willing

into the void

the blackness

the nothingness

of nonexistence

the world
melts away
when I hold you
in my arms

there are no others
nothing else matters
you are the center
of my universe

i see God
in your eyes
feel bliss
in your kisses
serenity
in your presences

It is you
it is me
it is us
together
as one
heart
and soul

it is overwhelming
to think about
the monumental
monolithic
cataclysmic
changes
that are
under way

i have let go
of the things
i can not change
freeing
releasing
my fears
and anxieties away

serenity
has washed over me
enveloped me
in a glow
of bliss
and forgiveness

i am at peace
with what i foresee

how can i not, but feel sorrow
look ahead, into the future
do you see
the devastation, desolation, that awaits
helpless, frustrated, i’ve resigned myself
to my and the world’s fate

are you seeking
meaning
in the stark
unforgiving brutality
of the human
condition

overwhelmed
by the emptiness

solace
found only
in addiction

numbing
away the pain

if only for
a moment

what is it
do you seek
from this existence

am i
important
to you
or am I
an extra
a diary character
a footnote
in your life

i thought
I won’t feel it
but i did
getting dumped
hurts
was it worth it
letting you in
loving you
is it true
what they say
it is better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all
and
time heals all wounds

run
fast
and far away
hide
and hope
the demons
don’t find
and crucify your ***

i need
a safe space
a sanctuary
to shelter
stay in place
watch the madness
from afar
exploding
outside
my window
retreat
to the bedroom
when life
is cruel

feel it
deep in your bones
don’t turn
or run away
accept
surrender
savor it
the pain
despair
of melancholy