to be honest
if we stopped talking today
it wouldn’t be the talking i’d miss
although the conversations left me
hopeful
smiling
curious
it’s the moments of not talking
the kisses
the lack of air
the desire for more
that I find myself consumed with

I don’t know whether to be
thankful that it happened
or frustrated with the lack of assurance
that it will happen again (and again)
because now I’ve had a taste
of you
of your hands on my hands,
my back, my neck, my hair
feeling
wanting
holding
I find myself wishing
we could **** time together
by not talking some more

I wish I felt strong

I know that I am
I haven't thrown myself to the mercy of gravity
I haven't given myself to the laws of anatomy

I haven't given up
But I can't say I feel very alive

I am breathing
And sometimes even moving
But I can't say I feel very alive

I can't say I feel alive at all

I want to write about how she stole the moon
And hid it behind the sun

I want to write about friendships
That have only just begun

The immense creativity
That's held inside of me

I want to let it out

But the burden of living
Even though it's only breathing
And sometimes even moving
Makes it hard to turn myself to writing

I want to let it out

let
                                                        it
                                                                                                                 out

Some kind of day this has become
If only I could spontaneously combust,
Like a star in the night sky
Burning bright in one final blaze of glory
Before it’s all gone
Spontaneous human combustion,
The headline would read.
How marvelous that would be.

I want to write a poem
But I cannot find the words
They're stuck in my throat
Caught in my mind
Tangled in my soul
How do I say that I am alone
So alone
Even though I'm surrounded
By voices
Excited
And vibrating with energy
How do I explain
In soft, genuine letters
That my soul is torn apart
Riven in two
Broken
Not my heart, my soul
It hurts to breathe
Because it's all in my chest
Building up
Like tears
Breaking in waves across my cheeks
How can I express
That the pain
Hidden in my smiles
Is so wrenching
And horrible
And lonely
That I can't take it
I miss someone
So much
But
******
I don't know who I miss