head fuzzy and wuzzy
fatigue of the sould
won't leave me alone.

eyes have mast
4 years have passed

my stomach erupts daily
i feel 100% full crazy

unable to cope
devoid of hope

where now to turn
what is there to learn

i feel so close to the end
can't reach out to family or friend

words keep coming via mouth and key
saying goodbye to life and this cycle of hell for me

4 years... Daily fears. why do I stay?
because tomorrow brings another day.
Strong to survive this nightmare
Though nothing about it's fair
counter each negative with a positive
I've always been a leader, now, submissive
ready to reemerge, rebuild, and reclaim
wasting this precious life would be a shame.

ID has lost her identity
There is no more sense of me.
The world's turned scary and dark
Once bright, now, not even a spark
Lyme seems to be the cause
My life interrupted, on full pause
Fear holds me prisoner all the time
Is it mental illness or is it Lyme
So many years so many tears
So many threats so many texts
Turn the light back on to my life
I've endured over 4 years of strife
God see me, release me, set me free
From pain and sameness beautiful tree
A professor's brain gone insane
It is cruel, ironic, and will not wane
I could never have envisioned this hell
A book to be written, stories to tell
Finally...committed, will be its name
Perhaps it is only myself I have to blame.
I don't want to die.  I want to live.
There is little left for others to give.
It is up to me to reclaim an identity
Super ID crushed and I'll let it be.

SHADOW PLAY
I used to play with my shadow
In the Florida sun
Running to and from its
Beckoning, carefree fun
Illuminated in light
Casting bright hues of white….
INTO THE DARK
I fell!
My shadow
I could no longer tell
Where it ended, and I began
Get away from me
NOW
I didn’t walk; I ran
Away in escape
From the ****.  But somehow shadow found me back
No longer white
Instead pitch, infinitely, black
Shadow, I see you.
Come once again and play
Please don’t push me away
You need not hide any more
It’s clear I must enter your door
And dwell with you even if afraid
Of this horror to my life you’ve made
I am willing to see it your way
Even inviting a stay
Integrated as one.  Residing in the Grey

LYME RAGE
READY SET, STAGE:

MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE
BUGS IN MY BRAIN READY FOR IMPLODE…
UNLOAD
ME FROM THIS HELL
BREAK THE BARTONELLA SPELL
I HAVE SO MUCH TO TELL!

THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE
STILL, I SWEAR TO YOU
THAT I WILL FIGHT IF ONLY THIS
FEELING WOULD TAKE FLIGHT.

PLEASE SEE ME HEAR ME LET ME LIVE
THERE IS SO MUCH I HAVE LEFT TO GIVE-----
BUT I CANNOT TAKE ONE MORE TRAUMA
LISTEN… MY NAME IS ILANA
I AM HERE DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I’M
suffering? FRUSTRATION AND CONFUSION BLUSTERING
IN THE PORTO VITA WIND TUNNEL
ALL THOUGHTS SWIRLING IN A FUNNEL.

RELEASE ME FROM THIS NIGHTMARE
ARE YOU OUT THERE?  DO YOU CARE?


I AM HOLDING BY A PIECE OF DENTAL FLOSS
OVER A FINE BRAIN LIES BART-INSPIRED GLOSS
OF BLACK ****. BUT THEN A WRIT
FLOWS FORTH AND THROUGH MY FINGERS
YET THIS CORNOCUPIA OF INSANITY STILL SOMEHOW LINGERS!
FREE ME?  ALLOW ME TO SURVIVE SO TO
THRIVE. LESSEN ITS GRIP ON MY BRAIN
I AM WORKING NOW TO TRAIN…

IT AGAIN TO THINK AND FEEL BEYOND MYSELF

THIS PATHOGEN IS BEYOND MEASURE STEALTH
I’M SO READY TO SURRENDER IN PEACE

NOONE THINKS I’LL DO IT; SOON THOSE NOTIONS WILL CEASE,

BECAUSE I’VE HAD PLENTY ENOUGH AFTER 4 YEARS

ALLOW ME TO STOP SHEDDING TEARS
OF UNIMAGINABLE ANGUISH AND DESPAIR
NONE OF THIS IS ******* FAIR

COME ON GOD, SPIRIT, ENERGY ANCESTORS

THERE HAVE TO SOMEWHERE BE SOME ANSWERS

I AM DYING A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH
LET ME GO INTO THE LIGHT NO MORE BREATH

INHALE EXHALE INHALE EXHALE--I’VE GONE INSANE

BARRAGED ASSAULT ON MY ONCE-PRAISED BRAIN

I NEED OUT IN THE WORSE POSSIBLE WAY
I ONLY WANTED TO HEAL, OVERCOME AND STAY

MY SPIRIT WAS BROKEN LONG AGO
SIMPLY PUT, I FOUGHT AN UNBEATABLE FOE