everyone has movies that comfort them
mine is "as above so below"
it makes no sense and that's why i love it so much
i watch it every night
a group of people are lost in the catacombs under paris
and terrifiying things keep happening and they keep dying
i think i compare it to my life
and i like a reason to fear something else than my reality

if you want to go, then go
but do not make me feel as though it is my fault
simply apologize and gracefully back away
do not first break me down to nothing
and then burn what is left
your issues and lies are not my fault
so i will be the one to gracefully leave
if you want to see me
then i will wait for you to call
but i will not reach for you first
i did it for too long
it is your turn to feel alone
i'm not spiteful
simply fair
you believe yourself to be the judge
let me be the executioner

i need to stop lying to myself if i'm going to survive.
or maybe that is how i've survived for so long.
one thing i know for sure.
is that i don't know anything.
my world is spinning again.
but maybe i do this because i am more comfortable in the spinning chaos.
might i add the lonely chaos.
i was trusting again.
you were safe.
i thought you were at least.
but i thought the others were safe too.
now i don't trust anyone.

i'm surprising you in 4 days, 21 hours, and 2,938 seconds.
you have 4 days 21 hours, and 2,938 seconds to finally realize i am not who you want
or who you deserve
i have 4 days, 21 hours, and 2,938 seconds to prepare myself
for you to leave

i have 4 days, 21 hours, and 2,938 seconds to stop overthinking

you're gone and i'm done counting

be gentle with yourself
but also be gentle with those around you

they don't understand why getting up is so hard
they don't understand why you can't sleep at night

but they are trying
and they love you

so i was writing a poem about my depression
and it made me ******* depressed and today was a good day
******* it. i was just trying to explain what depression is like

how do you explain nothing?

everything is so cloudy
i can't think straight
i can't focus on anything
all of my heartbreaks circle through my head
screaming at me
banging drums
shattering silence and peace
whispering doubts
searing self-hate into my mind.

I write to try and make all of this vanish
but it only makes it worse.

I live in many universes.
See all sides of an issue.
I am a dichotomy of a person.

Can you even be a person if you are a dichotomy?