I have –

Poison in my head.
A heart that is beating
but might as well be dead.

Anxiety ticking through my limbs,
clawing at my throat,
a thousand tiny pins
scratching to spill out.

Rage,
terrible, blinding, impotent.
Cold fury,
I break my bones to contain.

Puny sorrows that rub me raw.
Self-deprecation
that is more self-loathing
than feigned humility.

Amidst all this misery
I do also feel
kindness, joy, compassion.
Wonder, hope, faith
have yet to forsake me.

Let me whisper another confession –
I admit,
I have made playmates of all my demons.

Savage as they are,
I am wilder still.
I haven’t yielded yet
and I never will.

You want to be his everything
When you saw him interested
In the actions of a squirrel
You found yourself wishing to be
That squirrel
In that moment
Your utter fascination in him
Is so predictable
He finds it impossible
To be fascinated by you.

months ago, i wrote poems about how i would do anything for you, how i want and need you, how i longed for you, how you caused both the puddles of tears on my pillow and the joy in my heart, but not anymore.
you have exhausted me.
you have crushed me.
you have drained me of all mental and emotional energy.
i have grown to know my worth, i have realized what i deserve, and this is not it.
i do not want you anymore.
i do not even wish to tell you all the things i wanted to, since you've probably heard it all from another girl,
all the talk about how you will always be a part of me, how i will always be there for you, and so on.
i hate how you're everywhere i turn, i see you in everything.
i hate how you took over me even in my dreams,
i hate how you didn't value me enough,
i hate you for making me feel like i am worth less than what i really am, i hate you for being the cause of my breakdowns, i hate you for not caring about me more, i hate you for so many things, but i do not hate you.
i hope you grow, i hope you learn, i hope you mature, i hope you find happiness, i hope you become more aware, and i hope you one day realize what you lost.