Light on the water
the clouds shape
sheening the swells with pearl
before the wave.

How used are my eyes
to the immediate, to the
limits of a bent neck.

The salt and light conspire
to force the challenge.

And I sit here, clutching
them to me, for too often
I have fallen away like
the foam,
retreating, without
in my turn rushing forward
to prove the immovable.

A young man’s stand
for I am yet too young
for wisdom to mean
passivity.

I will force the challenge.

We transition in-and-out of moments;
In and out of life,
In and out of lives.

Sometimes, we transition with ease,
With poise,
With grace.

Sometimes, we transition with wounds;
Defences up —
And ready to attack before they hurt you back.

I am scared right now,
And my defences are wall high;
Self-imprisonment —
So that I don't get hurt,
But I'm hurting in here, all alone.

It is more than fine to say No.
Nothing behind that necessarily
You will find your way hopefully sooner or later
Make it an adventure no matter what that might be
No excuses just go for it
Do it your way
Enjoy yourself one step or leap at a time

I shall go down to the dump today
to pick up a random thought
and translate it into
a first language

I never understood it
The difference between alone and lonely
How can you be lonely if you’re not alone?
If there are people everywhere how can you be lonely?
But now I see
I see why I’ve been sad for what feels like forever
I can see how even with so many friends
Friends I care about
Who care about me
I can still be so lonely
It’s like
Insecurities cancel out the people you care about
With so much insecurity to spare

Lately it’s been hard
Nothing has changed
But maybe I have?
I’ve been pulling away
Stopped texting
Stopped answering calls I didn’t have to
Someone texted to ask if I was ok
I had to lie
It’s no good lying to yourself if you’re going to tell people the truth
Now my phones always off
I can’t bear to answer my friends
But I’m always terrified they have a group chat without me
I’m sure a psychologist would have a field day here
Reading my words
Or probably not
I tend to make a big deal of things
Everyone’s as messed up as I am

















                                                                            Right?

the dots are slowly disconnecting
I can see it coming now
the register jams more often
did I do that
and why...or how?
'yes, you told me that
remember...?
but it's okay
everything is fine'
the signs are now clear
this creeping fear
the foggy mist of my decline

the familiar sound
of the 2 o'clock train
snaps me out of my hazy state
I move to the porch
and view the mountains
listening to nature
I wait

the new Sun is crisp
and it's warmth dries the night
the first cup of coffee
with the first sign of light

I search for the shirt
that I'll wear on this day
and my best fitting jeans
then to Father I'll pray

the walk isn't far
half mile...a bit more
odd smile from Ms Harris
as she opens her door

the wildlife remain calm
as I take up a seat
pulled out a Lucky
and inhaled it deep

the dots reconnect
head bowed
on my knees
2 o'clock comes and goes
like a chirp in the breeze