if you knew
how much i
loved you,


would you
love me too?

Everything stands frozen for an enternity, encapsuled in just a moment of time
Your notice your heart stops beating, the rhythm that has sustained you long before you were aware
Your throat constricts, suddenly unable to draw in the oxygen that feeds your body

Your next breath stagnates inside your lungs, decomposing with each missing heartbeat
Your stomach plummets towards the floor, falling further than the earths crust
Your intestines squirm inside your cavity as they disintegrate into nothingness

As your eyes begin to sting and water, overfilling until they breech the dam
Your heart finally remembers to beat, faster than ever before
And your jaw finally falls, along with the rest of your face to form a silent

"oh"

The sensations take over for a time
Not quite enjoyment but a need
Flesh calling out for release
I give in eventually
Begging for this one to be different
Hoping that maybe I can just pretend for a while
Its always in the back of my mind
Exhausted I finally achieve
****** duly owed to instinct

Before the end is reached
Shame washes over me
Disappointment seeps through my entire being
I will never have the parts I desire

Acutely aware of the flesh pushing down on my chest
Accentuating every movement
The tiny nub between my fingers
Will never be big enough for my desire
The twitching hole that will never be closed
That will never supply pleasure

The tears begin to track down the sides of my face
Filled with anger, shame, disappointment and disgust
Brokenness from being entirely the wrong thing

How can I ask anyone to accept my body
When I can't even accept it myself?

I see you
When you've lost control
When the anger takes over
When your eyes are screaming louder than your words
For help
For understanding
For stability
I see you

I know you
When you don't want to feel like this
When you don't want to hurt anyone
When you don't want to be let down
By your family
By your school
By the people there to help you out
I know you

I know you're hurting
I know you're so confused
I know I don't know how to help you

Its easier to take it out on me
I'll never leave you
Its easier to have a place to let go
I'll always have a safe place for you
Its easier to say you're sorry
I'll never ask you to

I know this is not you
I know this is not your fault
I know this is not you

I love you
I will be here for you
Because
I know you
I see you

This struggle inside me
How it tears at my soul
Pulling me towards her
Like screams from a sword

While he stubbornly digs in
Always ready for a fight
Showing off her insecurities
With a masculine delight

But when they both collapse
Exhausted from the fight
A magical moment happens
And harmony resides

Her essence feels so strong
And it quickly flows within
But soon he will be back again
And another struggle will begin

by Lj Mark 2015

In a mental world
where all I need is to
be a man,

I’m told to be this woman.

Shave your legs,
make your voice high,
wear the flower perfume,

not the men’s cologne.

Let your hair grow out,
keep your name,
don’t build your muscles.

You don’t look right.

You’re my daughter,
not my son.
You will not be an “other,”

you shouldn’t be masculine.

It’s a reminder
of the world we live in;
one where you can be yourself

if you fall into the right box.

The right clothes,
the right hair,
the right materials,

the right parts.

Let me out;
get this monster released
so I can be myself

a self-made man to be.

A self-made man
without a care in the world.
A self-made man

wanting to be known.