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Aug 2018 · 265
A better time, better place
Timothy Kenda Aug 2018
This isn't a different time, a better place
Because maybe I won't be the only one
Or anyone to anybody else besides myself
But little is known of all the things that can happen in space
I've seen fear in another's eyes, but I don't see it here
Or are my eyes closed, in those moments I go and visit ghosts
Just to hear them whisper that it is all okay
While I ignore the sadness written in between the lines laid out with lipstick on your face
I swear I've seen two silhouetted hands separate, making a gap where light pours into the lense
But I can't recall if those two lives ended up intertwined again
In the end I guess it probably doesn't matter anyway, what matters was the initial embrace
Any of the pain brought on by wondering what happened after that is pain that time can wash away
You'll have a piece of me to hold on to, or to bury if you choose
All I ask is that you mourn it well, and if I hear a ringing in my ears
I'll know it will be our eulogy, and that our space will be permanent, and infinite
That pain won't be brought on by wondering a thing, though the memory of your smile will never be the same
Aug 2018 · 297
Human Heart
Timothy Kenda Aug 2018
And there was a breaking sound
When your heart fell out
Through the crack in your chest where your rib cage cracked under the stress
With the weight of the world on your shoulders  
You looked down at the shattered dark red pieces on the ground
It's funny how you thought that something as fickle as love could hold us
Through bright days, and dark nights
The hundred ways you convinced yourself that you would be alright
It's almost as if the lies you told yourself papered over the stress cracks
The ones that became obvious in the sleepless moments of the night
Started walking, one foot gingerly placed ahead of the other
Leaving all the broken mosiac pieces to continue to fall and land where they may
Never bending down, never picking up
Mouth moving violently but there were no words to say
Stress cracks, blood drains, first slowly until you stumbled in an obvious way
Pieces fell, broken heart, love had left you and the implication tearing you apart
All alone, stop walking, mouth no longer moved because you stopped talking
Look ahead, dark nothing left, the human heart could only take so much stress
Aug 2018 · 212
Building Walls
Timothy Kenda Aug 2018
Watching you withdraw into yourself
Put up your walls, while all I can do is patiently wait outside of the gate
Darling, look outside the window, it doesn't have to be this way
People have died waiting for the glaciers in their heats to melt
Their faces only memories smiling blankly back from picture frames
Their families never the same again, every single heart breaks
The sight of hearts breaking is the saddest sight of all
No fight left, the weight compacts the size and shape of your soul
The walls you build to keep out compassion will become dark and lonely prisons
Please don't do this, you don't have to go through this alone
You have choices and decisions and time to fight back black skies
But if you lock yourself inside, then we may never see your light again
You and I won't be alright again and I just don't have it in me to pretend
That the walls you build are a temporary shelter from the cold
Please don't go now, please don't go
Aug 2018 · 383
No longer Him
Timothy Kenda Aug 2018
I can't seem to bridge
The gap between
Who I am
Who I was
What I do unaligned with what I've done
It's all still unbelievable to me
Looking at where I'm from
How did I end up with so much to give?
So much love
A tainted past
A broken man
Washed out lines drawn in the sand
Yet here I stand, unafraid
Letting go of mistakes oft made
The past no longer consumes my day
I'm whole now in a blessed way
Who I was
Who I am
Standing strong in victory yet again
The weight of the world brought me to my knees
But standing back up brought me
To being the man I was meant to be
In recovery
Timothy Kenda Aug 2018
******* will you all stop with your pseudo-intellectual ******* please
You're killing me
So busy trying to fit fancy vocabulary
Into the structure where your heart should be!
There's no heart I see, and ******* with the argument
That swears are not intelligent
At least they invoke some sort of feelings
Instead of 18 stanzas of irrelevance
Your aristocratic airs are pathetic and irreverent
Come back down to earth now, you drink coffee like the rest of us
Another armchair poet pizza stained can stand among the best of us
I want to feel the pain you try desperately to convey
Not spend 20 minutes looking up definitions in a dictionary
I want to know who you love and why
Describe the scene around you at the moment that your friend died
Stop it with your intellectual *******, please
Simply describe to me how your heart did bleed
Upon the lack of the presence of your lovers touch
You try too hard and harp too much
Aug 2018 · 218
Vulnerability
Timothy Kenda Aug 2018
The expectation of a lack of vulnerability
Because connection is not nearly as important as saving face
Like the act of eating is not nearly as important as saying grace
Do we even have the ability to feed our souls at all?
I don't know about you, but mine had been empty for far too long
My mind consumed by the specter of future events that aren't real
The fear is there, but now I chose to hear the siren song of love instead
It rings through my head, and through it the I becomes we
We feel, and we falter, but we don't bow before dark alters
Instead thumbing our noses at weakness to stand in the meadows of the sun
Because we would rather make our mistakes in the warmth before the twilight of life comes
There is beauty in vulnerability, just as there are lessons in pain
But when the sunrise catches your ocean eyes a beautiful song is sang
I could listen to it on repeat, over and over, again and again
We are open, and worthwhile, let the future come and bring what it may
For a place where we hold hands in grace, we can chase that fear away
Jul 2018 · 214
Early Morning
Timothy Kenda Jul 2018
Now, maybe we’re beautiful, but it’s hard to discern in the dark
Trying to leave our mark on this world, but the earth is harder than our bones
We feel so alone now, could we really be so alone?
I’ll light my last match for you, but the sulphur burns quick
It’s hard to illuminate the way out with nothing but burnt matchsticks
Still, the glimpse of your face was worth my last light
Turns out we aren’t alone at all

Still, the darkness sticks to our skin like oil, blackness hanging from our frames
I shout out against the weight, waiting for you to respond because I’ll feel better when I hear you
A glimpse, summer days sitting on a park bench and I see your eyes move
What did you see then? Will we see anything again?
Fighting back against the suffocating darkness of the world is tiring
Then your response echos through the ink, and we aren’t alone anymore

The smell of the sulphur, the sound of your voice, how did we end up here and was it a choice?
A somber decision made, looking for ways to escape the life that we had to face?
I contemplate too much, the devastating memories through which we **** and pick
So I go to the wall, turn on the light switch, 4:30 AM and neither one of us lifeless
You ask me what’s wrong, I lean in for a kiss
We aren’t alone at all
Jul 2018 · 488
Lost again
Timothy Kenda Jul 2018
This is for my best friend
You were beautiful, and loved, you had so much left to give
I can't believe it's already been two years
No matter where I go you still find a way to make your presence clear
I still carry the weight of your life everywhere
Like whenever I see sunflowers I run to the spot they live just to see if you are there
When you told me I had a gift
I swear your face is scarred into the back of my eyelids because I see you when I sleep
I see you in my dreams just doing everyday mundane things or maybe smiling
When I got the phone call from Eileen, I dropped down onto my knees and screamed, bursting into tears
Realizing we are weaker than we feel or seem is pretty humbling
When people ask how I'm doing now, it's more an instinctual reaction to reply "well me, I'm just fine"
Blame it on an indifferent demeanor, or on an educational system that forces teachers to teach students to fill in bubbles and not use their minds
I guess they don't read what is said in between the lines
That I'm overwhelmed by the presence of your absence
Unanswered questions on repeat of why'd this happen, why it happened
When we all know I was far more reckless and less loved than you
I had a conversation with someone I love greatly the other day and we were talking about why I never feel like I'm doing enough
And it didn't occur to me that I can never do enough because now that you're gone I'm living for two
I love fully, my life is a vivid picture of possibilities and realized dreams of being of service to others in recovery from this disease
But vivid pictures stand in Stark contrast to the piece of my heart that you took when you left, now a hole shaded grey in what was once a beautiful place
Just like yesterday, I was speaking to a group of people in a detox and it was just a room full of people and they all had your face
"Live for yourself, don't live vicariously", a lofty idea hammered home through a million motivational speakers and yet
You don't really have a choice, because if you don't live through me in my mind you might not even be alive at all
Jul 2018 · 153
Alicia
Timothy Kenda Jul 2018
Riding in a van, holding hands in the middle seat
Watching our feeling pour out through soft fragile boundaries
Ask me anything in the moment, Id share with you everything
Next hour, searching for words to explain the depths of my heart
But there were none, and we didn't need them anyway
Traveling to different parts of the state
But then again, what are the chances we would meet in this place
7 billion people and time is infinite, our carbon traveled light years from the collisions of stars
When I walk into the coffee kitchen, blue eyes striking and there you are
Our roads, where do they go?
For now, and for as long as we let them, we can walk down them as one
Holding your hand, middle seat, knowing I wasn't being judged on where I'm from
What I've done
I'm excited to see the beauty of the journey, to find out what we become
Jul 2018 · 182
There Will be Quiet
Timothy Kenda Jul 2018
When I left, footprints depressed into the dirt on the side of the road
Soon to be blown away by the wind, or covered in snow
I knew I would never be coming back
I hadn't told anyone, with only a sweatshirt to cover against the biting cold
I didn't bring a bag because a bag signals a journey
I just started walking because I knew I had to go

I thought, and I kept thinking, and tears kept filling my heart
I didn't bring a bucket to evacuate the water, but it never came close to sinking
Because I knew I had to go for a reason, and wherever I ended up would be peaceful
And beautiful
And whether I found you there or not, there would be quiet
My heart needed the silence I knew would be provided by the forest and the snow
I didn't know where I was going but I knew I had to go

For all of the days I spent, counting down the seconds until the moment of my demise
The days I spent in the noise, just looking for love
But only finding blank expresdions in every pair of eyes
If I had known to just walk when I felt I needed it
To not forget the past, but not stay stuck in it
I would have left the chaotic scene so long ago
Because I've found beauty in the silence and the snow
Jul 2018 · 350
Smoke stained walls
Timothy Kenda Jul 2018
I lie awake, some nights
Silent music in my head turns down such a sad alleyway, and it's dark there
But really I can be happy most of the time, I swear, just give me time
Preferably during the daylight hours
Protected from the memories that climb through picture frames on the borderlines of sleep
The smoke on the bedroom walls won't ever leave
And I'm so sick of my mind playing tricks
Letting me fall into playing the game
The one where I find myself guessing at things that won't ever be
I can be alright, at least most of the time
When I'm not, that's fine too, I'll get by and get through
But in the confines of bedroom walls at midnight
It's hard to lie and say I don't miss you
Jul 2018 · 241
The grey
Timothy Kenda Jul 2018
Movie frames, playing on the dark backsides of closed eyelids
The things we thought we conquered fighting back against our sleep
The mistakes we made and guilt and shame and regrets played on repeat
But they can't define us unless we allow the weight of them pull us under
The places in the grey, sticking spikes into our veins to orchestrate temporary escapes
I can sense the desperation seep through your skin when we talk of them
Please don't go back, I'll walk through the movie screens and shattered dreams to stand by you
Please don't go back to the dark where we can't find you
I've been there before, lost hope, lost sleep
Standing in self imposed prisons, broken and alone again
It's not a place a bright soul like yours should ever be
But if the weight drags you below, back to where you never thought you would be
I'll do all I can to break you out, forget the movies and my lack of sleep
Jul 2018 · 174
Still gone
Timothy Kenda Jul 2018
.
I lie awake, some nights
Silent music in my head turns up and down
But really I can be happy most of the time, I swear, just give me time
Preferably during the daylight hours
Protected from the memories that climb through picture frames on the borderlines of sleep
The smoke on the bedroom walls won't ever leave
And I'm so sick of my mind playing tricks
Letting me fall into playing the game
The one where I find myself guessing at things that won't ever be
Like sunflowers growing in the winter
I can be alright, at least most of the time
When I'm not, that's fine too, I'll get by and get through
But in the confines of bedroom walls at midnight
It's hard to lie and say I don't miss you
Apr 2018 · 160
Past fires, current scars
Timothy Kenda Apr 2018
The fire ripped through his mind, fed with oxygen from the cold northern wind
Each change of direction shattering window panes, shards of glass left to lie and reflect the light onto the ash where once feelings had been
Balloon framed tenements, built of century old, tinder dry wood burst readily into flames
They say where there is smoke, there's fire, did the memories living in dire predicaments have any chance at all of escape?
Her words ripped through him, "I wont ever believe you" after the thought brushed his lips "I would never deceive you"
The smoke of small distance, little pockets of silence and days spent mostly quiet and listless
Weren't heeded as the warning of the raging inferno that was to come
These memories came back to him, ten years later, as the smell of hope turned into smoke and caused his eyes to tear
After the fire, there were certain, seemingly insignificant details laid plain, and though he had swept up the ash and glass he knew he would never again be the same
Fire, much like pain, leaves noticeable scars that no amount of time can ever erase
And though he now knew why she had said those words that day, the scenes of the fire still played through his mind, the smell of smoke
Once happy memories stained by soot, now resembled nothing so much more than haunting ghosts
He stood there, on the front steps, not wanting to ask questions for which he already had answers
Nothing was different here, but somehow everything had changed since the disaster had left doubt formed into shrapnel lodged deeply in his brain
Ten years later, he was still cripplingly afraid
Matchstick in hand and a surface ready for the strike
To replay once again the anguish and agony of that night
Jun 2016 · 620
Heavy heart
Timothy Kenda Jun 2016
Trying to sleep with a heavy heart
Is like trying to read in oppressive dark
It's like trying to breathe under crushing weight
It's like trying to escape a useless fate
The heavy heart comes about so quick
Upon the realization that your one love is sick
When at one moment she claims we were meant for eachother
How lonely it can be in the eyes of another
Trying to sleep with a heavy heart
While the world outside rips itself apart
Apr 2016 · 435
Us and the Sky
Timothy Kenda Apr 2016
This is the moment we've lived for
That we strive for every day and that's okay
Yes that's alright, because although it took some time
I want you right here by my side so we can look into the sky
And feel alive, knowing that everything is fine
Because we have the strength in us, we were so **** sure it died
But it sat dormant through the moments in which we struggled and cried
And now here we are, brought together with all the pain behind
To experience this beautiful moment where we put everything aside
To find our strength and find ourselves, on our own yet not alone
Where we can let the beauty of the universe fill our bones
Because I look at you now, and you're smiling
I swear I've never seen anything quite like it
And I realize that right at this time I'm smiling too
While soaking up the beauty in the sky, me and you
Mar 2016 · 402
Misery
Timothy Kenda Mar 2016
Can you feel what I'm feeling, now, when I think of her?
I can't imagine everything in those final moments, just a blur
We had given up love, just friends, and I was sad to hear she was dead
So I thought of her story, how she shared it all so openly
How she had been acting so insane, how she thought she'd beaten pain
She said then that she didn't need to run from fear any more

Can you feel what she was feeling, then, when the specter of fear
Kicked down the door she had closed and made himself clear
We weren't in touch then, no longer close friends, but it hurt to hear of her loss
It hurt to hear that her demons had exacted the ultimate cost
She drowned in the sea of misery and was lost

Can you picture what her father saw, later, when he found
Her swinging from the rafters, can you picture the disaster
Streaked mascara running down her cheeks and an utter lack of sound
Until his cries for help pierced that veil, because he thought that he had failed
To save her, not realizing he never even had a chance at all

I can see it and feel it all, forever, when someone's misery
Takes them to a place so dark that they can't see
And makes them extinguish their own flame while trying to find some light
When it takes them from despair into the endless depths of night
Can you feel it too? Can you imagine it all?
Someone who stopped the fight just to fall?
Misery loves company, and I have no one else to blame
Because I feel like I'll be the next to fall victim to my shame
Mar 2016 · 412
No Water
Timothy Kenda Mar 2016
Some days, I swear I can feel you
On the ocean breeze, during the rising tide
As if the ocean will subside and reveal you
Then you'll be whole again because the cleansing water heals you
At least that's what you always insisted, that's what you said
Where was the water when we opened your door then?
How about when I couldn't feel you with me at all?
Mar 2016 · 286
The Sun
Timothy Kenda Mar 2016
You view yourself as everyone's anchor
But I see you like the sun, you've just set, and I have faith you'll rise again
For without you all of our days are just varying shades of black and grey
Your mothers tears fall from the sky like a never ending rain
You're not living but surviving, trying to **** off all your pain
But I have faith that you can face it, and though we can't erase it
We can heal as broken bones and become stronger than before
Even when the sun seems to stay set for so much longer than before
It always rises, for the blackest black comes just before the dawn
And without you all our hopes and dreams just stagger on and on
All along, I have seen it, the bright light I swear I mean it
When I say it comes from within your soul, I've seen a hopeless one or two
But that's not you, because faith can take away the very pain you can't escape
I just need you to believe that you won't break
And if you shatter all to pieces, look down at the shards that make the whole up of your past
Please see within them that even the darkest days don't ever last
Because the sun it always rises, the skies they always turn from black to blue
So please stop fighting, surrender to the light inside of you
And then shine it, illuminate the places you've been through
You'll realize it, that your fears can't get the upper hand on you
Unless you let them, unless your only though is of numbness and escape
Then I guess we'll have to wait for the sun to rise on another future date
Mar 2016 · 473
The Third Time
Timothy Kenda Mar 2016
The third time writing you a letter
It's getting darker, the weather worse
I'm trying to get across all of my feelings
It's the third time it wouldn't work
The lights, they flicker, my heartbeat silent
As the hurt builds in my head
And I'm wondering if there's violence
Just hoping you aren't dead
You've been missing, for a while now
And this exercise of writing is so absolutely futile
Because there's no address, no location
No means of tracking, no simple stations
On the radio where once I heard the music of your voice
Only the sounds of your mother, sobbing at your choice
I can hear her, so very softly, withering away
As day in and day out we wait for any sign at all
Waiting for a message or a letter, or god forbid the fateful call
Third time writing you a letter, maybe one I'll never get to send
The postmaster just returns it
When the address line says lover and best friend
Mar 2016 · 623
The Look I got
Timothy Kenda Mar 2016
The look in your eyes doesn't look like you anymore
The dark circles under your eyes, the smell of smoke upon your clothes
And you haven't said a word in hours, because you don't speak, you close
Every inquiry off with misdirection and no's
We know you aren't okay, dear, you can't hide it from anyone
Especially when you can't keep the secrets from yourself
How can you expect to get your pain past everyone else?
When the world turns to ****, you try to disappear
Your look changes, you give up on everything you hold dear
You run to those you hate, because you feel you won't get through
But you know when you leave, I'll look for where you flew
Because even when you can't love you, well, I still adore you
And when your look isn't the same, that's okay
Because I'll help you find yourself again anyway
And for all the time your silent, I still hear the chiming of your laugh
I still see you there smiling, our love transparent like glass
I know you can't understand it right now, and that's fine
Because you'll come to understand our love in time
One day you'll be ready, and you'll finally take my hand
And we can float up into space as planned
Feb 2016 · 406
Miner
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
What will I find?
At the bottom of the riverbed
Will I find our hearts down beneath the sand and stones?
The silt and the bones and the millions of reasons why
It's only with you in my arms I feel at home?
I might have to wait a thousand years for the surface to erode
On top of the thousands I've spent all alone
But I know that when the river washes away
All the fear and uncertainty, both of our pasts filled with pain
I'll sift through the dirt like a miner sifts for gold
And I'll find two hearts beating, so beautiful and bold
I'll find that our two hearts beat as one, and that they have for eternity
Just like the fire of my love for you continuously burns in me
Then I'll look into your eyes, and see your beautiful mind
And for the rest of our lives we can know peace, and smile
Feb 2016 · 278
The sky
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
You are hurt, I can see the pain there in your eyes
Some days you can't face it, and then you fly
But when you come back home to face
It all you know I'll be in place
Just like you will always be in my heart
Because being there is where I'll start
To show you how much you're really loved
So that you know when you look above
And see the stars, and see the moon
That I'll be looking at them too
I'll be here, until they disappear
Along with your pain and all your fears
So that you can share in this love with me
It's the only place I want to be
Like when I'm lying in your arms
Kissing across the surface of your scars
Each one a sign of your strength
For which I would go to any length
This love can endure all of our pain
It can weather the dark, weather the rain
I just know it to be true
If you ask me how, I'll say "I just do"
Feb 2016 · 351
The Final Wave
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
I took your love I took your pain
I got left holding all the blame
Now it's time for my long walk in the rain
Through the heartache and back again
The bough was bent beneath the weight
It cracked in half in the hands of fate
When it learned the sorry's were all too late
It retreated back into that place to break
As I took my heart and gave it away
I asked you to keep it warm and safe
You promised me with a smile that it would be okay
As it shattered beneath the flame
Now I'm picking up scattered shards
My life not measured in time, but yards
The distance for us is too hard
Love for me isn't in the cards
Because we threw the jokers from the deck
I didn't know they'd be all that's left
So as the final wave does crest
I pray that it drags me out to sea
Feb 2016 · 284
On Leaving
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
Please come back
Let us know you're safe, that you're okay
Don't leave us sitting any longer, suffering for days
Wondering what happened, when your thoughts changed
Will we ever see you again?
Will have to identify you in the hospital, fresh tracks on your arm?
Will you leave us, your friends?
Oh God, please don't disappear, please don't do yourself anymore harm
We are praying for you, and it means nothing because God isn't here any more
Feb 2016 · 296
What I meant
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
I'm sitting here, listening to the same song on repeat
Seeing all the same mistakes, repeat, repeat
I can't feel your soul touching mine for the first time in forever
But I'm just not able to admit defeat
So I guess I'll never sleep again, at least not until you're safe in bed
Until I can get your words out of my head
Until I can swear to you that I meant what I said
I was never worried about whatever price had to be paid
I just wanted to help the light of happiness shine on your face
Help you be content in the present time, present place
And be there to give you my hand if you did fall from grace
So my eyes are glued open, blurring the blue screen
Looking for my chance to show you what I did mean
Because I meant I love you, unconditionally
It's unlike anything you've ever seen
Feb 2016 · 287
14 hours
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
14 hours later, 14 long hours you have been gone
Each minute seems an eternity, each hour drags on and on
I know where you've been, 14 hours in another loves arms
14 hours that I've been wondering how strong
My heart is, where the point I break apart is
The minutes tick by and at every one I wonder what I started
Can I finish it, can I end it all now?
When will the pain get too great, will I get through it somehow?
Or will I give up and give in, because I can finish anything I begin
When will this end, when will this end?
Can I ever trust you again? Will I ever believe I love you again?
When their meanings are shadowed, when their ashes carry no more flame?
14 hours of my heart, breaking apart piece by piece, and the thoughts in my brain
Won't let me sleep, no they won't let me sleep
Slowly, so many memories that close to my heart I did keep
Turn black, and slough away to reveal a rotten core
I don't think love can live there anymore
I don't think I can believe the lies that will be told to cover other lies
I don't think I have any more tears to cry
Tell me that your afraid, tell me that you don't know how to love
Tell me that I was wrong, or all of the above
Feb 2016 · 270
Close My Eyes
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
I pray to God to close my eyes
Just grant my wish this one time
Because I see too much, my heart knows too much
My heart knows the difference between ashes and dust
The difference between want and lust
Between wishful thinking and love
Now the lines are drawn, broken right down the middle of trust
"GOD!" I scream, "please send down you hand from above"
"PLEASE CLOSE MY EYES BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS TOO MUCH"
I don't want to bear witness, when our dreams turn to prisons
I don't want to have to make the obvious decisions
Because I'm afraid they will break me, they will take me
Away, back to a place from which I have so recently returned
Who knew that a broken heart could burn
Right through the cavity of the chest
Through the lining of the soul, until there was nothing left
And yet
I am still supposed to go on
Only this time I am supposed to go on without you
I don't know if that is something I can do
Feb 2016 · 300
Rays of Light
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
I remember when I met you, sitting across the table at a facility
That was supposed to cure us of our ills, clean up our lives and spills
It was a place so many hated, but back then it meant so much to me
Neither of us could see much beyond the pain of the past
Though the rays of hope did their best to shine through the glass
Glass that was cracked and shattered and smeared with black
But sitting in that room that day, I swear I can say now
That I saw a ray glance across your face
It wasn't the last time I would see it in that place
And even if we have grown apart since then
Gone back home to answer for all of our sins
I don't ever want you to forget that hope had touched you once, and        can touch you again
Don't lose faith, gather strength from the fact
That all times, good and bad, will pass
And though you hope that the pain won't last
Remember every scar you've gathered along the way
Is just one more piece of proof that you're alive for another day
And it's okay, yes it's alright, to fight through the dark times
Because you'll find another ray of hope as long as the sun shines
Feb 2016 · 375
Father, why?
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
Why did the light go out inside your eyes?
Why did the music stop, and in it's place you only found
Deafening silence, why didn't you make one single sound
Telling anyone that you needed help, you ended your life in violence
Left a little girl scarred, when she found you swinging there
You had to know that she would forever be altered, never the same
Yet you went on anyway
Is it because you were sick, did you just not really care?
When you left your body swinging in the shadows in the middle of despair
So maybe it's not fair,  It wasn't to others
Not your wife or your daughter or your two older brothers
Who still wake up thinking of your green eyes, but remember them being nothing but grey
Filled with a pain you couldn't shake that let you take yourself away
When you were tying the final knot, did you think of the boy scouts?
About how you felt completely alone but kept a smile on your mouth
Because you knew what you were learning was something that would one day
Allow you to escape from the discolored family photo that you left framed
Hanging on the wall, though everyone told you that you should just throw it away
Escape, and a self hate to which I can very much relate
No, it isn't you, it's your illness that is to blame
Not that it makes it any easier for her to deal with her pain
Can you imagine, the sight of your indestructible father at the end of a rope?
"One day he was here", she whispered, "and the next was just a ghost"
And so she sits there, with tears streaming down her face
As blank stare after blank stare tell her everything will be okay
But that memory is not erasable, that torture inescapable
And she feels, just like you did, like no one really understands her at all
Feb 2016 · 289
The worst place
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
Don't you see what I've done here
The blood on my hands, my own
Mistakes and for all our sake, I better leave now
Because there are going to be consequences I can't face
I guess we'll all hurt one day
Brace yourself, but there is a slight difference at play
You can forgive yourself of your past transgressions
While mine have become my prison
It's here that I should die, maybe I never should have tried
To escape in the first place, self hate is the worst place
That we can allow our souls to reside
Can you see it now, how it's rotting at the edges
Black through and through, worn away
That is what happens when you live in this place
You die in these ways
You fail to see the light, for almost all of your days
Feb 2016 · 311
Hard Things
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
Like a desperate feeling that you can't seem to escape
Like having a fate that simply means you'll be erased
I can't take, the enormity of it all, the violence of a car crash happening
With soul rending surety, and knowing you have to feel the pain
At least for a moment, before you fade away into ether
Into the black that is the great beyond
The hardest things aren't easy
The hardest thing is death
Feb 2016 · 332
Inadequate Words
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
Little letters rearranged, thoughts become entwined
As I sit here so desperately trying to speak my mind
Speak of beauty and love and how you are so kind
But I can't come up with the answer, because no words combined
Can explain the power of my feelings, describe how you left me reeling at first sight
Left me dreaming till first light through the nights and the bright days
No this is not some fake phase, no this is something real
And the words fail at their job of conveying how I feel
Because there is one phrase, overused and abused
The "I love you's" and equally ubiquitous "I love you too's"
Worn out through the ages like our favorite pairs of shoes
So let me show you, that all I want forever is to know you
And that I owe you more than all the gratitude found in this earth
And so I'm cursed, forever bound by these simple little words
When I want you to read is the love and the sunlight, even if it sounds absurd
So I'm begging you, bear with me, for this is just a simple beginning
To a journey, one which we can walk down the same path together
And though these words will be inadequate forever
Well you know me, as I know you, and striving for perfection is what I do
Though the goal is just never quite in reach, I'll still try to tell you and paint pictures in your head that you can see while you're asleep
So please dear, accept my apologies that these words cannot give you a sense of how much you mean to me
Because the feelings underneath are so strong and I swear that as long as I have a chance to breathe
I'll give you all my love until we both fade off into eternity, and cease to be
And our journey brings us into the next life together
Though the words might not show it I swear I'll love you forever
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
The sadness sinks in, as the apple falls right from the tree
Into a grave, filled with ashes and the broken pieces of promises made
Where once before, there were passion and praise
Now lies only sadness and the tears to wash the memories away
And as the day dawns, no I don't want to see the sun again
Even though I have to, because you'll never see your son again
You'll never hear the words of us mere mortals who barely knew you
The ones who tried so desperately to stop the pain from ripping through you
The only words left for you to hear are those of God now
As an angel you won't concern yourself with our questions of How
Because it was never for us to know
It is only for those who's souls are above, and bodies below
Feb 2016 · 306
the well
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
I was stuck at the bottom of a well, looking up
Grating my hands across the damp walls, in futility they got cut
I had never felt such humility in all my life, the hurt and the price I would pay for trying to find the water in the first place
Then it came to me, and I came to see, gave one last desperate plea
Because the circle of light at the top grew darker but never extinguished
And I thought of all you'd been through, and through those thoughts I came to
The realization I wasn't finished, oh no my time had just begun
Because I can only imagine how you recovered, kept the faith and held the brightness of life inside your smile
Even when so many people acted vile and tried to rip your soul away
And if you never gave up, I'd be ****** if I died in that well
I'd be ****** if I didn't fight through the fires of my own hell
I felt God then, and from his hand I drank the water I so desperately needed
I tore at the walls with my soul until my own hell was quelled and defeated
Then, as I lay gasping, hanging over the lip of the pit that had taken so much of my blood and spit
I raised my eyes to the sky, because I refused to die, and and angel came down and soothed all my scars
That angel, well she looked so very much like you, the life inside her smile was one and the same
As the life we had fought for, the life I had seen in you
The grass was green, the dew was clear, the moon was bright and there was no fear
Inside my heart, anymore, no all I had left was love
The love I still have for you
Feb 2016 · 251
inspiration
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
I wake up in the morning, I drag myself out of bed
Sometimes I don't know where I am
Why I feel the way I feel, why I do the things I do
In those moments, when I can't find it, for inspiration I look to you
And I gather up my strength, it comes in waves against the shore
Just as you do when you don't know if you can take anymore
Then I hit my knees, I pray to never lose the sight of what we share
Lose the feeling that is without equal, to which nothing can compare
Then I'm standing there, inhaling cold smoke into my lungs
Thinking of all the things we've never said or never done
Thinking of our future, or sometimes cringing at my past
Because back then I was alone but now I have found this love at last
And so I cast all my fears and doubts into the sea
Before they bury me, no I will not let us drown
I'll lift you as you lift me when I am feeling down
And I'll kiss you as you kiss me and there needn't be a sound
Except for our beating hearts and breathing, well that may be a little loud
Because I see you in my minds eye and I gasp, yes you take my breath away
I swear I love you more at the dawning of each day, and it's okay
For us to be imperfect as we are, because the carnage of our baggage has left us covered with a million tiny scars
We've come so far, and now it's time for us to heal, for us to learn
That though love is just a tiny little word
That can be uttered in an instant, can be spoken from some distance
It's true meaning is infinite and when it sparks it burns persistent
Your strength and inspiration keep the fire ever growing in my heart
As long as it doesn't burn out we will never have to part
And like art, which is understood by only a very few
Our love beautiful and growing, the perfect amalgam of me and you
Feb 2016 · 301
Your strength
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
When I'm out carrying the message and I'm counting all my blessings
Don't ever doubt in your heart that I'm counting right on you
When I'm in my head and stressing or finding things upsetting
That is when your words strike right through
My heart, god it can be such a depressing place
And my shoulders, they are tired from bearing all the weight
Of the suffering of others, I place it squarely on myself
But I have come to find that you are of the greatest help
Yes, you are always there for me when I cannot help myself
And the abundance of wealth that springs from what we share
Even when I can't see you I always feel you standing there
When the pain is too much to bear
And when I feel like I'm about to break
When I question how much more I can take
The strength of your love envelopes my heart
Steels my soul, so that I can walk through the fire another time
Whenever I do it, when I make it through it
I always find you waiting with open arms on the other side
When you share your worries with me, of karma gone wrong
Doubts of whether what we have is real or strong
I need you to know that though we have promises and sweet words
When the times get dark I won't forget what I've heard
I won't forget what you've done
I'll never leave you alone, unless the heavens above
Open up, and rip me from your grasp
The hand of God is the only thing our love won't outlast
So keep holding me close, and I'll keep holding you
Through the trials and tribulations of all we've been through
I'll never break again
I'll never break on you
Dec 2015 · 395
Forty pieces of Paper
Timothy Kenda Dec 2015
The little kid had nothing to do with it
Lying on the sidewalk, bleeding life onto the pavement
I want go back in time, see his face as he heard
The sound before the bullet hit
And split into tiny fragments like memories
Do you think his place in heaven is assured?
I don't think he will get in, no his life was too cheap
All this over forty pieces of paper owed to the street
Forty worthless nothings, well they don't mean ****
Blasted away by senseless hate while the real target sits
All strung out, forty feet away
Later on the ****** celebrates, it wasn't his day
He lay on the pavement, a modern day Jesus
Sacrificed for a modern day Judas
Forty pieces of paper for a life isn't ****
So many lives impacted as the bullet hits
I want to look into his eyes as the impact occurs
Does his soul pour out, does he see what he's worth?
Forty pieces of paper, a senseless crime
The shooter still loose, never to face time
The modern Judas thought that low sum was worth
while the modern Jesus is forever cursed
Mar 2015 · 382
If We Break Here
Timothy Kenda Mar 2015
Please dear lay your head on my chest
And let us just rest together one final time
As the world shatters and we're left with the tatters
And dark pits where our eyes once did shine
We're dying inside
We're burning alive
We are so sick and tired of biding our time
If we break here, at least we'll break side by side
With my heart bleeding through your shirt
And your eyes burning holes in mine
Our whole world is stopping
But there is nothing romantic about this
There will be no story book ending last kiss
Because the fairy tale is burning black and in the end there's only pain
It's burning and turning black like the inside of our veins
But if we break here, at least I broke while holding you
I told you I'd never leave you, and now you know my word is true
So rest, my darling, sleep like you've never slept before
Sleep there on my chest like you haven't a care in the world
Sleep in my arms so that we can go knowing
That I am your man, and you are my girl
If we break here, at least we didn't break alone
Feb 2015 · 418
You're here
Timothy Kenda Feb 2015
I never thought you would leave
The way you did, with such flourish and poise
You left me feeling like a lost little boy
It did all made sense, didn't it?
The rip in our consented consciousness
Left concussions in our confidence
And we learned that if trust is never present
Well then our only chance will be heaven sent
So we left each other standing on cellar stairs
Based on our promises I wouldn't thought we'd have left everything there
Just to ascend to our new lives
It's not right
How we had to fight to get to where
We could coexist without a fight
But is it wrong to state that on this night
I miss you, and in my dreams I thought I spoke
Unto your ghost
You said everything would be fine
And I believe you, and I still do
After everything we have been through
How could I not?
So on to your ghost, I swear with my prayers
Because I can always feel you standing there
Feb 2015 · 395
Help you
Timothy Kenda Feb 2015
Sometimes I look into your eyes and I see
All the pain of years gone past
Flash throughout the synapses of your brain
So I pray to false gods that you'll be okay
Because the world we live in can't afford to lose another beautiful soul like you
I wish I could hold you tightly in my arms
And make it so that there is nothing wrong
Open up your eyes to the light that shines
During the daylight of our time that we spend here on this earth
But instead I just see your hurt
Your chemical attempts to make it all make sense
Your downcast eyes betray your lack of confidence
And while to me you could be nothing but heaven sent
The rose colored glasses you once wore have dimmed down into grey
The question creases across your face as you wonder
"Will I be okay?"
There is nothing more that I would want than for that to be the case
The world will fall apart if it was to lose your beauty
Like grains of sand when the tide comes in
I would disintegrate and wash with the refuse out to sea
Please help me help you be happy before
We both simply cease to be
Feb 2015 · 419
Adriana
Timothy Kenda Feb 2015
I'm sure if he could tell you one last time that he loved you
He would do anything he could to make that happen
But Adriana, your daddy's gone, and all I can say is that it wasn't your fault
He lost his fight with the monsters in his head
And all I can convey is how much he loved you every second you were alive
When he spoke your name the light shined in his eyes
And he smiled
There is nothing I can do to help heal your pain
You miss him so much, and I miss him too
When he isn't around to take care of you, reach out into the air
He is silent and smiling and he'll be standing right there
And though you can't picture the light in his eyes
Please know that they shined brighter than all the stars in the sky
They shined that bright for you
Jun 2014 · 437
thoughts
Timothy Kenda Jun 2014
Staring at the silence that you made
The same silence that destroyed you while I was away
And today I heard nothing
Just the screaming of your voice
But that might as well be silence because I didn't have a choice
And the best things are gone only our memories plod along
Singing of all that went wrong in our melancholy songs
Do you know what it's like to dig a hole so deep
That from inside it just looks like a grave?
Do you know what it's like to run out of tears to weep
Because you know you cannot be saved
My life is so ******* depraved, then there's you
The anchor to my chain pulling me down, being blue
I used to swim against it, now there's nothing I can do
But watch it all turn to black as I separate from whats true
Jun 2014 · 703
Bad timing
Timothy Kenda Jun 2014
I had to meet you now, at this period in my life
One marked by so much insecurity and strife
Because I swear any other time I'd set all this right
And cut you a place in the fabric next to me with a knife
And we would forever be fine, and forever be free
And forever be happy like we're supposed to be
But the problem is mine, and I know you can see
It's inevitable that time will throw it's shadow upon me
And I'll go away, whether by night or by day
And you'll be left lying
Alone in the fray
An unforgivable reminder of the price I must pay
For all of the stupid games I decided to play
As I look upon all of your poise and your grace
The emotions and feelings that flicker over your face
I need to show you I'll be there even while I'm away
And a perfect life is possible, just a little delayed
So though I can't say it's possible, you have nothing to fear
I refuse to accept it's impossible that one day I won't be able
To call you my dear
Apr 2014 · 490
Dreams
Timothy Kenda Apr 2014
We were barely half asleep
As you crawled from bed
So cute and drowsily, another day
Filled with pure joy
And you looked at me so coy
As I leaned in for a kiss then you were

GONE
And I snapped awake in my cold sweat
All alone with nothing left and so I broke down
And wandered aimlessly trying to jump back
Into that dream I wanted right back in that scene
What does it mean
Oh god just take me already
Dispose of this ******* husk
And as sure as at the end of all the days come all the dusk
And if I must I will do whatever it takes
Stick a needle in my veins just to orchestrate
My escape so let me slowly slip away
Back to that dream into that scene
Back to a happier time and place where I was
Not yet a disgrace
Where I could see the smile on your face
Where we were happy, and carefree
And had all the love there could be
Before I was all alone
Before my heart was set in stone
Apr 2014 · 738
Deep
Timothy Kenda Apr 2014
The crushing depths below
Suffocating in their innocence
Now it's too late to repent
As I struggle
No breath
Reaching for the surface
And I yearn
For your touch
Just one more time
My eyes affix
On the promise we once shared
But I drown all alone
You are no longer there
Do you know that
I still care
As I die, lack of air
Apr 2014 · 803
Afraid of You
Timothy Kenda Apr 2014
It haunts me in my dreams
And it kills me in my sleep
Oh I am so afraid yes I am so ashamed
What could it all mean
Black scars that run so deep
Transgressions of my past in my heart that I do keep
Yes I am so afraid and forever so ashamed
Does it make me weak to know that
I can't speak your name soft and slow
Without the searing pain of blame
Welling up in my chest, it makes me so **** depressed
Of your name I am afraid
Of our end I am ashamed
Feb 2014 · 482
Past and Present
Timothy Kenda Feb 2014
Letting go of the past is so much harder than it seems
When its ghosts haunt the air around you
And assault you in your dreams
Now I look into the future and nothing is how it seems
And I am slowly letting my life slip away from me

Like a Phoenix from the ashes I fought and rose again
And sat atop the highest perch grinning in the wind
But then I was beaten down by the weight of all my sins
Now the ghosts that were the enemy, well they are now my only friends

I've sat alone and cried, has it been months, has it been years?
Is the earth really dry enough to soak up all my tears?
Self pity gets you no where but my reality has become my fears
And the veil of strength and success has gone from black to sheer

One by one they left me, all the people close from time gone past
They marched away to live and grow until I was left at last
The only one stuck inside my prison oh my how time does pass
Now I sit with their ghosts inside the mudbrick walls as death approaches fast
I'm not strong in my convictions so I wont go out with a blast
And the research shows that from the time I was born my die had been cast

Living here in a foreign world, withering away in fear
Screaming silently in my head oh please come back my dear
But her ghost replies that she is gone and I can feel it near
The black hole of my future expands and everything becomes so clear

Without me the sun will rise and time will still move on
The tides will shift and happiness will reign whether I'm here or gone
A man should not have to suffer a life in which he doesn't belong
So he sits and waits for death to grasp him with its melancholy song
How could I have been so wrong
In the last few months I have lost everything dear to me. Love, my job, my family. And depression has such a grip on me that I am stuck, forced to inaction like a deer in the headlights. I just don't know anymore.
Nov 2013 · 999
La Dispute
Timothy Kenda Nov 2013
I still remember how the distance tricked us,
and lead us helpless by the wrist into a pit to be devoured.
I still remember how we held so strong to this,
though we had never really settled on a way out.
I still remember the silence, and how we'd always find a way
to turn and run to our mistakes.
I still remember how it all came back together just to fall apart again.
My dear, I hear your voice in mine.
I've been alone here, I've been afraid, my dear.
I've been at home here. You've been away for years. I've been alone.
I breathed your name into the air; I etched your name into me.
I felt my anger swelling; I swam into its sea.
I held your name inside my heart, but it got buried in my fear.
It tore the wiring of my brain; I did my best to keep it clear.
So, dear, no matter how we part, I hold you sweetly in my head.
And if I do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead.
If I can't love you as a lover, I will love you as a friend.
And I will lay a bed before you; keep you safe until the end.
Nov 2013 · 1.1k
Icons
Timothy Kenda Nov 2013
Trapped in an obelisk built to contain only pure beliefs
We tore the icons down off the barren walls
We had no choice but to take our falls, and **** it all
We can't except anything less than pure defeat
We have been put here by our peers and our fellow man
The fact we don't share their beliefs doesn't register on their scale
Instead they would rather run and impale
Die as martyrs or at least try and fail
Instead, I am going to do all that I can
To make life better for everyone I know
In the end I will not let you die alone
No one here has to put on a show
Lets rip apart our hearts like hyenas in the dark
Caring about nothing because the future looks so stark
Then I realize that I have torn the Icons down
I realize that I have navigated the pitfalls that lie around
What happens when you fall, do you really want to know?
Do you want the description of the horrors that you're shown
When you make the mistake of speaking to soon
When you realize that you might have something to lose
And you retract your former statements and sing a different tune
Tear those Icons down but don't you leave them lying around
Ready to corrupt and distort without evidence or sound
Destroy the Icons so the future generations may live in freedom
Don't contemplate your mission because their total control is near
Their control is the thing that we most have to fear
And it's clear
We are at a disadvantage, easily manipulated and steered
Towards paths more self destructive than they originally appeared
It is the Icons that are to blame
The remnants of the old times that bring us pain and shame.
That is why we smash them into dust
That's why we smash them because we must
When we break the Icons we dig our nails into the crust
That connects each and every one of us
Don't ever lie down to rest in the chamber of prayer
Don't ever let you guard down while passing through there
Because no one there seems to care
So all of us now, let us riot on the streets
Let us show them what we need to feel complete
Let us ask them for what we really want
Let us seek what we desire and refuse to stop
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