It is the beginning of June and I am alone again
Sitting in my bedroom wishing I was anywhere else
And I could use a little magic, a little adventure
A little bit of the way things were back before I moved and everything changed and everything drifted
A little bit of Arizona heat and tired legs
Walk all over creation, push you in a shopping cart
I've gone so pale since I moved here, I hardly get out in the sun
It's not the same without Candlelight Park and my favorite tree and the familiar streets and you
My best friends, oh god my best best friends
I miss that and I miss there and miss us
And time keeps barreling forward
And you're somewhere, not beside me
And my voice is lost somewhere in Colorado

I am losing you
I never wanted to lose you
I am angry I am scared I and waiting
Waiting waiting for the axe to drop
I am trying to act tough
I am trying not to care
I am trying to brace myself
Cut things off early,
Let's not drag this out any longer
I can't take another drawn-out heartbreak
Wondering over and over if it's okay,
If it's okay to talk to you,
If it's okay to love you anymore

RIP MY HEART OUT OF MY CHEST
I DON'T WANT TO BE SOFT ANYMORE
I DON'T WANT TO LOVE YOU
DEEP, DEEP LIKE THE OCEAN
COVER MY SKIN IN SCAR TISSUE
AND DRAIN THE ROSEWATER FROM MY EYES
IT HURTS HURTS HURTS AND IM SO TIRED
TIRED OF CHASING MY TAIL AND CHASING YOU
FOR ANY SENSE OF COMPANIONSHIP, OF CONNECTION
BECAUSE I CAN'T STAND TO BE ALONE IN THIS WORLD
AND I THOUGHT MAYBE WE WERE SOMETHING GREAT
I WANT TO FORGET THE WAY MY SOUL LIGHTS UP WHEN I MAKE YOU LAUGH
I WANT TO BURN EVERY MEMORY
I WILL REMIND MYSELF THAT YOU DON'T NEED ME
I WILL TRY TO DO THE SAME
I WON'T SPARE A SECOND GLANCE TO THE STREETLIGHT
I WON'T EVER BE THIS RAW AGAIN

I wish I hated you from the start
I wish I couldn't feel love at all
I wish it didn't overwhelm me
But God, it's so overwhelming
Tear out my feeling,
Rid me of empathy
Take every memory
Go on and destroy me
The base of my being
The intensity of everything
It's so overwhelming
I'm so overwhelming
So take it apart
Tear it to pieces
Throw it away
Distribute the ashes
Of every love
That I've ever lost
'Cause I'm feeling so lost
I don't wanna be lost
I want to be free of this, of me
I'm so overwhelming
So go on and destroy me

I'm so tired
I don't have pretty words for this
No poetic way to say
I wish you'd tell me to *******
If that's what you're feeling
Tell me if you don't care
If I am a pest to you
Because I can't stand not understanding
But I will continue to give my whole heart to you
Until you refuse it
I don't know how to love you any other way

I will likely get lost in the idea that
Maybe, you could love me
And we want similar things for our futures
And that's so hard to find
I will likely get lost in the thought
Of you and I living out of campers and driving from concert to concert
And we both carry ear plugs just in case the other forgets
I get so star-eyed so easily,
So dizzy,
Dizzy on the thought that maybe I don't have to be lonely,
So dizzy that I forget for a moment the things you do that leave me clawing at my skin and pulling out my hair

Maybe we will go to school and get an apartment and grow together
Maybe I will learn your boundaries and your pick me ups and your favorite foods
Maybe you will care enough to do the same

But I will remind myself
I do not love you​
I do not love you
I do not love you

I am aware, logically,
That when Winter comes and all things die,
The numb cold of snow will eventually clear
And the flowers will bloom
And my plum tree will bud and provide fruit.
Spring will warm all of creation once more,
Rain will wake my skin.
But today all is frozen,
Iced over and silent with​ no growth to be found,
And logic aside,
This feels
Eternal.
I cannot feel the sun that does not warm my skin.
I cannot taste the rain that does not touch my lips
And the flowers that have not yet regrown
Show no signs of life, here.

lie to me
make my soul glow
i am freezing cold with nowhere to go but into your arms
so if you would
just
hold me

today will begin and end and not be missed
which is to say, i've been wasting time again
when i swore to hold on to each second
when i took the sun in my hands and slipped it into my pocket
the problem with carousels is that they move in a circle
twinkly circus music and fun aside
we end where we began
rising and falling
but never really progressing
i will tell you recovery isn't linear
but keep quiet the question
of possibility
listening to the twinkly circus music
rising and falling
coming back around to the beginning

Love me in the summer when it's easy and we can chase the nights down wherever they may lead
When we can waste our afternoons lazy and warm in park fields on picnic blankets
Love me with the reflection of fireworks in your eyes, caffeine and alcohol in your veins,
Tell me you wish the plants would grow right over us,
Swallow us up into the ground so we could be beautiful too
I'll give you everything,
Anything,
Be up for any adventure
I'll love you like I can't think straight
Like the sun's in my eyes and I'm driving blind but the wind feels too good to stop
Even though it's dangerous
Even though we could crash
Just promise me you'll love me even when January comes
And we're standing under gray skies
I'll bundle up in you
Hold you close
We'll still see our breath
But we'll be warm like summer

another recovery story
another story about the kid who killed himself
that isn't really about the kid who killed himself
but the things he left in his wake
i hate stories like these
stories about suicide
never quite sit right in my stomach
i think i just want the story
where the kid gets better
where the kid stops hurting
but doesn't just, stop
and it's not some other kid that saves him
some angel who finds it in their golden heart to love the broken boy
but so much love
an all enclosing embrace from the universe around him
from the people he needs and has been reaching for
his friends stop laughing at those jokes and his mother starts to understand that screaming can be so, so quiet
and when he says he doesn't want to be alone
he isn't
and when he says he needs someone to hold him down so he doesn't float away
the world cradles him gently
and when he needs to cry
he can
and it doesn't feel like knives and empty and drowning
and the kid gets better, slowly,
the kid gets better
the kid can get better, right?
if all he wants is for the hurting to stop
can the kid get better?

I don't want to be the way I am
And that's saying something
Given that I'm many different ways
Sometimes my throat closes up and I can't speak and I want to hide deep deep under ground
Disappear with every embarrassing tic
Shaking in place
And sometimes I don't ever shut up
And sometimes I'm joking
And sometimes I'm screaming
Bruising my own skin and pulling out eyelashes
Body made of lightning
Shaking in place
I hate the way I am
When my thoughts are going a million miles an hour and I get overwhelmed with the sound
I hate the way I am
When my processing is low and I can't understand and everything slows down
I jump emotional extremes and identities
Putting on masks and playing games
Like it's Build A Boy Workshop
Tell me who you want me to be
Because this isn't who I want to be

imagine if you were born at the beginning of time
imagine if you had the whole beautiful world placed in your hands like soft clay, ready to and waiting to be molded
imagine that you were the first domino to tip, the beginning of the chain reaction

i think about this a lot
i think about the big beautiful world in all its glory
i think about the big beautiful world and what we've done to it

imagine that you could look up at night and see the stars before light pollution, before air pollution
imagine that you could see every animal that has since gone extinct
imagine every life and every glimmer in your hands, watch them die faster than you can keep track of
would you do anything, everything to prevent it?

we are just here
we are just... here
we created society and money and the concept of purpose
hand to the throat, grip tight, contribute to society
you owe corporations for the air you breathe
it is up to me to decide if you are worth basic necessity
burden
free-loader

imagine
you could just
live

Don't touch-
Don't touch the live wire don't touch-
Don't touch me don't touch me don't TOUCH Me
I am a Live Wire
I am made of fire and thorns
With lightning in my veins
And trembling in my hands
I will rattle unstable
Reaching out for a tether to the level-headed world
And wondering what it's like to not be made of
Fire and Thorns and
Fear and Anger and Electricity
Really, truly, I am soft
They say I Lash Out but I am soft
Like flower petals
Like down feathers
Like memory foam
You could press against me and leave imprints
But I will not let you hurt me
Don't hurt me
Don't touch me
Static Electricity
When I'm angry, or scared,
Cornered and baring my teeth
You will watch me,
Tense,
And not dare to approach me
So as not to be shocked
You will not hurt me
You will not touch me
You will not try
And I will ignite again

or maybe*
I'll pack it all up like I've said
Take my dreams on the road
Spend my life alive
Just driving to the future
Wherever my art may lead me
Run laps around the coastline
And memorize the feeling
Of your hand in mine,
Racing off to some new adventure,
Lost on purpose

the world is just starting to seem real
clay in a firmer state
studier but harder to mold
and i am still trying to shape it in my hands
without getting it under my nails
... something,

something under my nails
clambering for something to hold onto
anxiety racing, scratching, life catching up to me
why am i bleeding
why am i bleeding
this is supposed to be freeing
i guess i just
pick one of these lines
deeply clawed into my skin
paths like addict,
wash up,
footstool;
lives carefully planned for me since birth

i played trumpet in junior high
so that must mean i'll be a paralegal like my mama
regretting my love choices
regretting my life choices
wasting away at a job i hate
doing work i don't get credit for
destined to fade away lonely

but then again i've got my dad's bad habits
and twice his screaming spirit
so maybe i'll spend half my life in a bottle
and the other half trying to chase the dreams that i ****** away in my twenties

maybe i'll run all over creation
trying to be something bigger
someone stronger

yeah
that sounds about right

Pack it all up
Condense life to an old RV
Paint the sides
Redo the interior
Drive and drive and drive
Wherever the job takes us
New place, new project
Live life like a roadtrip
A constant vacation
Have adventure at our fingertips and in our veins
Play every song
Watch every sunrise

Won't you come fly?

I will dye my hair red and blue and bright neon green
Tattoo flower petals over my scars
Rip up the flooring
To every house and every apartment
and every run down trailer I've ever lived in
Anything
Anything
To feel whole
And alive
I will reinvent myself
I will forget my name

so the question is
will you miss me
and all the mess i make?
i know i expect too much.
i really wished for the warmest of welcomes.
i leave
with
the most bittersweet of goodbyes
knowing not
if i'll return,
and if i do
if it will matter?
there sits that question-
will you miss me,
or did my return
destroy the nostalgia:
the thin thread
connecting you and me.

it's always too much
and it always overflows
I am so afraid

oh god let this fix us
i can already feel the adrenaline racing
getting close to you is a near-death experience and i'm living for the rush
like this will be the shock that sends us back to life
it's been years since i've heard your voice in person
and i think i might overdose on 4 days after 4 years
i think i might be a little too high
i think this will probably go wrong and tear me down
prove me wrong prove me wrong prove me wrong
oh god please let this fix us
1 2 clear and we have a pulse again
you can do anything anything anything just don't hurt me
don't hurt me

hold me close
precious thing
breathe me in
like fresh air
something that you've missed for years
something that you need
hold me close
hold me tight
tell me that I'm beautiful

lie to me

cross legged in my bedroom strumming uselessly at an instrument i only barely know how to play,
crying "make me feel something good" to my bedsheets like a secret, like a prayer
and everything is still, so still
silent besides the strumming
waiting to hit the right chord
so i can write the right song
that doesn't feel like desperate noise
just something to fill the dead air
the only things moving
are vibrating strings
and trembling fingers
and i want you
to light me up
like Christmas Eve

Over 18,100 words
Have not been enough to teach me
That you cannot force unwilling feeling into words
Lightning can't always become poetry
I am angry
And it lives inside me
Refusing to leave
My tired bones alone

I miss you
Your warm existence
The way I could read you
Know your genuine smiles
I miss you
But I don't miss the anger
I don't miss you screaming at me
For not letting you die
I don't miss the blame
I don't miss the fear
But I hope you're okay
Still wish you were here
I will be here if you need me
Though I know this will just hurt me

I read your name and it makes me a moment to register the word
Those letters in that string
Still tied, tightening, around my heart

hard of hearing
bleeding out
taking pills
in excess
hearing voices
seeing things
unreal sounds
playing games
different face,
different name,
different hair,
never the same
afraid of stale water
afraid of change
keeping distance
finding blame
i'm sure some of it is true
i'm not a good storyteller after all
just a chameleon
self defense mechanism
stumbling through all the fog
when i was little i changed myself every time we moved away
i had determined that life was a game and i just had a bad hand to play
i learned how from a very young age to start bluffing and counting cards
when your identity is molded from ways to avoid pain you start to forget who are
don't raise your voice here
2 parts delusions 3 parts fear
please believe me, i love you
please believe me i do
please believe me i'm drowning
you don't believe me, do you?

don't have a second to waste,
projects piling up around me.
it's that time of the year I guess –
busy busy busy –
but it's good,
less time to think,
less time to dwell,
and I'm determined to stop dwelling,
start living,
taking in the air around me, fresh or not,
breathing it like I'm addicted.
start smiling,
because I've got my headphones and my sketchbook and that's all i need.
all i have to do is stop waiting for more,
stop waiting for the world to catch up with my thoughts and give me something new.
im so in love with adventure that i waste my time pining over it
instead of going out and finding it.
i wanna make every day an adventure.
learn a new word, listen to a new song, find a new fleck of color in your eyes.
i wanna laugh without feeling ashamed and love my friends like they deserve.
ive got projects piling up around me
and i think
this could be a new day,
so im pressing start.
let's go.

I will spend all day reading poetry books
Like somehow the words will snake into my skin
Like this will speed up the process of learning to articulate my racing thoughts
I will read and read and read
Pretending that I can absorb art
Just as quickly and restlessly
As I put it out into the world

I am the wrong kind of "sad"
Or, rather, I am NOT sad
I don't think I've ever BEEN sad, the word "SAD" is hardly in my vocabulary at all
It's not loud enough
My words are made up of screams, but my voice is not commanding
I have far too much to say but I can't phrase it in a way that makes you want to listen
I can talk all I want about car crashes and crescendos but it will go in one ear like a tantrum and go out the other like a suicide note I've rewritten twenty times to not sound like too much of a burden
I have the kind of voice that makes everyone else in the room stop talking
Not because they are interested in what I have to say but because "*******, does this kid ever shut up?"
I have the kind of voice that confuses you
Telling you how venom burns in my veins and I can't stop looking over my shoulder like I'm telling you about my favorite movie
No matter how hard I try I've never gotten the hang of expression
I'm the wrong kind of "sad"
I have to get the words out of me, bleed myself dry before I can sleep and all you will receive are stains that I will cry when you can't read
Creating more stains
I don't know how to organize my thoughts
It's so loud in here I can't think, except for when it's silent
And then I can't think anyway

All I want is to be able to tell a story
But every time I try I cry at the happy parts and grin through the tragedies and the meaning gets lost
I constantly try to tell you what I am and how this feels but the English language is so full of ******* words like SAD
I am not SAD
Some days the weight in my chest develops its own force of gravity and everything around me is ****** in and my chest feels like it's about to burst
Sometimes you say the wrong thing or nothing and I have to hold my breath and think about anything other than the sickness that settles into my stomach
My sadness doesn't translate well for an audience
I don't have any good stories
I've never been arrested or gone streaking or done much of anything that involves leaving my bedroom
I tell myself that I am a creative but I'm just making this up as I go along hoping to stumble across a point because I feel worthless again
I must be alive, I guess
Pain does not make someone an artist
Pain makes you crumble and sometimes some people are just really good sculptors but I have a tremor and I think I'd probably just cut myself open on the tools
Again I tell myself I'll write something worth reading
Again I lose the point and get dizzy from bleeding

i disappear
into drawstring pants
with the drawstrings cut out
and the tee shirt i wore
for two days
before i was brought more clothes

paper shirt paper pants
see through when tight
and bright yellow non-slip socks

if i try
i can easily return to that place
the white lights
the pills in dixie cups
the isolation room with chalkboard walls

i can return
anytime
to that post-attempt numbness
just shuffling along
destination a to destination b
"okay everyone,
it's time for group"

watch the yellow socks move along
forget you're controlling them
forget your feet are within
forget you exist
it's almost peaceful

i don't want a valentine
i want all-the-time
i want midnight late night laughing too hard to go to sleep
i don't want some gesture card
i want to touch your heart
let me breathe my intensity your way without you running away
hold my hand in the long dark hallways
i want your love forever and always

you're safe you're safe oh god thank god
i haven't seen a word from you since the day you hated me
i was so afraid, my dear, that i'd killed you in trying to keep you safe
but even though i didn't Lose you
i've lost you just the same
you feel that i betrayed you
and i don't know how to make it okay

I shake when I think about us
When I think about how much more I need you
than you could ever need me
When I think about the defeat in your words
And how our hearts can hold so much
But yours just can't seem to hold
mine

if time keeps bringing us back together
lifetime after lifetime like you say
then time just must be out to **** me
cause oh god, you break my heart

I am afraid to sleep tonight
While the hands hold to my mind
While the cold embraces me
While he waits to haunt my dreams
And every eye that burns my body
is Wide Open
Staring
Waiting

We all have demons
mine just so happen to have
FACES
and
LUNGS
and
HANDS.
An eye watches me
disembodied
floating a little way from my face.
I can feel something
living in my neck,
and it curls around my spine,
unsettled.
THE EYES THAT LIVE IN MY SCALP blink,
constantly blink.
it aches.
they blink together to some unknown metronome.
I try to ignore THE HANDS that grab at my head and shoulders,
gripping the sides of my head,
pressing into my temples.
My demons loom over me and BREATHE,
Cold gusts,
So cold..
I tremble in fear of the man who travels through dreams
and wonder how much HE KNOWS
and wonder if HE CAN SEE ME now
and is he GOD or DEVIL?
for now he is my DEMON
and on the back of my neck
I feel his EYES.

being a siren's exhausting
i never stop making noise
blaring in hopes that you'll hear past the monotonous droning and pinpoint my voice
i know it just sounds like more warnings
like a storm now is starting to move
I'm a human tornado, a thunderstorm waking, an uprising cry you can't soothe
if you listen I promise there's words here
if you listen closely you'll hear past the whine
the siren is blaring and blank eyes are staring
"I don't know if I'll make it this time"

i swore to myself
id never be like my father
wouldnt follow my brother
grow into soiled shoes
but promises aside, i still find myself
laying in bed on a friday night
wishing i had fewer emotions
less expected of me
and more
***

I cave.
I smile.
I walk away
With no comfort,
Feeling no more certain of anything
Than I had felt before,
But I can't
demand we talk about this,
can't demand
anything from you.
I'm too afraid
of confrontation
that leads to loss.
you are
the last precious person,
so I cave.
I smile.
"it's okay"

what the **** is this, anyway?

I promise
I'll try
to reprogram myself
not to love you anymore,
but i don't know where we stand,
or what's allowed,
or what will push you further away from me,
so tell me what to feel.
ive always said id do anything for you.
say the words,
I'll turn away,
but tell me how it's gotta be
because i don't know if i can keep it up,
loving you wholeheartedly, halfway,
putting all my effort into repression, uncertainty,
only honest when i spill my soul into words you don't read -
you won't read this.
listen.
i love you to the very tips of my fingers
but i don't know if it's okay anymore-
just, please.
tell me what to feel.

hey, so,
are we cool?
ive written this before,
written confessions about the meaning behind it.
hey,
are we still close?
because you mean the world to me, id pull the moon out of the sky for you, do anything for you,
and i think at some point you felt that way too
except im not too sure
you've never been great at showing it
and even then
it doesn't matter anymore.
hey, like,
not to sound irrational
(i am)
but are you sick of me?
because everyone is eventually, and it's okay,
ive seen this coming
but if you're gonna shoot me
just do it already.
uh... hey.
i love you.
...but are we cool?

i want to go through and clean things up
scrub the blood off the walls
clear the smell of rust and loneliness from the air
i am not the intelligent author of prose, no,
but the emotional rambler with a vocabulary made up of
screams and metaphors
i want to bare my soul
to you, who may actually understand what it means to be bare
but i fear we don't speak the same language
every word i write
every entry laced with desperation
and yours, introspection
i am too self-critical to be self-aware
but tell me
if i write with the tantrum honesty of a child
will you understand?

We play our game
Electric connection, power lines for veins
I'm on my knees, I'm at your feet
You can walk all over me,
I'll be your footstool, your side table,
I don't care,
I'll do anything for your attention
Throw love and money and gifts your way
Show you art, writing, anything for praise
Dedicate a thousand songs to the memories
I'm such a sucker
You're not even playing me
I'm playing myself
This is solitaire
Some ****** card game and I don't have the right hand
I'm chasing my tail to amuse you
Make a million excuses just to talk to you
Drink up your one-word answers
It's my own fault, really
This isn't "our" game, it's my problem
Imprinting and holding so tightly,
Desperate to have you by my side
So you're my star, my angel –
When will I cut the ****?
This isn't healthy
I shatter every time you get bored of me
Crumble before your eyes like my spine just left my body
Too afraid to tell you that it's killing me
Because you're here, now, and I'm so scared to lose you permanently
At least when I play my game you come back to me
*(I don't blame you
All I ask is please
Don't say anything
You don't really mean)

i am tired of feeling this way
& tired in general,
wondering if this new therapy will really help me
and if i process these memories what happens when I experience more?
because I will experience more.
I have a habit of being left behind.
the vibrations switch from hand to hand.
she says I might dream about it –
I don't wanna dream about it –
I don't wanna think about it –
don't wanna feel it.
I don't wanna feel it anymore.

I'm so exhausted of trying to stand on ground that constantly trembles,
shakes with tremors like my hands
like when I'm anxious
like when I think of you
I'm so exhausted and my legs are about to give out
I am crying, clutching onto anything I can for balance
and the earthquake grumbles to me
says to give up
says I was always going to fall through the cracks

I wanna read your mind
look into some crystal ball, see all your thoughts
I am not good at deciphering meaning or feeling
every word blazes neon, colors flashing
I can't make it stop or slow or clear to see a color I could find meaning in
I sit cross-legged on the floor and look up at the neon lights
the rapid blinking raises my heart rate
I should look away
but I am determined to read the sign

I'll cradle the nights
you'd think they'd be less long and lonely with all the stars by my side
but the stars are friends and I'm afraid to reach to the sky again
reach up, let the moon brush my fingertips
I'll care for the nights
nurture them with dreams and sighs
let them drink up the wist
I'll handle the moon
take care of the sun for me